Welcome to Week 8.  Perhaps not the most banner of weeks, but it’s nice that we’ve made it this far (knocks on wood) with minimal disruptions.

[Closed captions for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem presiding]

We can deffo has some surprises early.  What the fuck got into those plucky LOLfins?  [Defense and special teams realized that with Fitzmagic shelved, they were gonna have to stand up and pull a miracle out of their asses]. They sure as hell turned back the clock (topical!!) on Baby Buster [Jared Goff]  to his rookie form, and the genesis of his nickname.  Tua’s debut?  Well, he didn’t really have to do much, with the aquamarine defense carrying so much of the load.  [And he didn’t, going a Trubiskyesque 12-22 for less than 100 yards.] RRRRRRRRAM IT!! Finally cut the margin to 28-17 in Q4, but too little, too late.

MOAR surprise fuel – 1-5 Minny-SEW-ta went into Lambeau and kicked some teeth in.  Or more specifically – Dalvin Cook 28, Bay of Green 22 (score very deceptively close).  Hide the Dingleberry [Kirk Cousins] turns out to be a fine strategem, after all.  At least this go-round.  Equanimity St. Brown is really, really bad. [Equanimeous Tristan Imhotep J. St. Brown, whose younger brothers Osiris and Amon-Ra play wideout for Stanford and USC. Their father is former Mr. Universe John Brown, not Bills Receiver John “Bleeding Kansas” Brown]

To the amazement of all, the Jets scored.  THREE TIMES, in the first half!  [J-E-S-T JEST JEST JEST!] Unfortunately for them, all FGs.  And Patrick Mahomes plays for the other team.  Mecole Hardman goes off, after we all cut him (hangs head in shame) because 2020 will be that way.  35-9 was the final, they even covered that ridiculous 19.5-point spread. [Le’Veon “Chocolate Diamonds Are Just Subgrade Brown Diamonds” Bell got “revenge” against his former team to the tune of 38 yards from scrimmage. For reference, that represents a little over 1.3 yards per million dollars he made from them. This is apropos of nothing, I just love pointing out that if the Jets were any more godawful self-destructive they would have a VH-1 Behind the Music about them]

One no longer has to even pretend to believe in Believeland (aka #ThePauls) [aka #Hardland, aka the Factory of Sadness, aka Cleveland].  Coming off a miracle Battle FOAR Ohio win…they shit the pitch at home.  To the fucking Raiders.  Baker Mayfield was under 100 yards prior to (futile) garbage time.  16-6, Vegas.

Did you know that Detroit has scored first every week?  Coked-up Red Zone Guy [Scott Hanson, who is apparently not related to To Catch a Predator’s Chris Hansen] is pretty good with tidbits like that.  But the Humps [Indianapolis] ran train on them after that first TD, winning 41-21.  I read on Rotowire that today would be the Taylor Swift Derby of sorts, named after the two 1^st round rookie RBs who were finally emerging and getting most of the touches.  Until yesterday, when Nyheim Hines, Kerryon Johnson, and Jordan Wilkins combined for 4 scores.  TE Trey Burton also ran two in.  Fantasy FITBAW is a recipe for madness. [Hines is my new favorite running back. Twice, he executed a twisting cartwheel flippy thing that would have attracted Bela Karolyi’s attention, except that 200 pound men in pads are harder to psychologically abuse than 5 foot prepubescent girls]

For a second, it looked like we might have to erase those obituaries for Cam Newton and Grumblelord, as the power-running P*ts drove the field in the last few minutes, down only 3.  [Spoiler alert: NOPE!] But then Newton fumbled near the Buffalo 10, and their season/dynasty ends at 2-6.  [BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA] Bills 24-21 winners [WOOOOOOO], but they looked shaky again. [DOOOOON’T CAAAAARE]  Hard to see them doing much in the playoffs, at least in their current form. [Meh. They’ve already gone through more personality changes this year than a tween. Offense will revive soon]

Hard to say what killed Baltimore MOAR – the avalanche of stupid penalties (still, HAIL BLEERGH [Hail Bleergh!]), or Lamar!’s back breaking turnovers (one run back for the first Yinzer TD).  That is the recipe for losing to a grey-dicked QB who no longer has the use of his passing arm.  Ratbirds got inside the 10 late, but failed on 4^th and short (and again on the not-quite-Hail Mary final play).  28-24, fin.  I guess the road to the Owl goes through Western PA, after all. [Oh god, we traded BradyMania for this?]

Week after week, the Cardiac Tits [great punk band, but also Tennessee] perk up at the end.  But Burrow dug them (get it??) too deep a hole this time.  31-20, Striped Pylons.  Let this be a harbinger for Tuesday – despite losing Ohio, go on and get the big, more meaningful win shortly thereafter.  Diamond Joe WOO!!! [WOOOOOO!]

Something had to change in Donks-land.  Mindful of my outsized role in the turning of the universe (obvs), I swapped out my usual navy shirt for my long-sleeved, mango Superb Owl 50 SHEMPIONS one.  [Solid choice, though perhaps questionable from a fashion standpoint]  Unfortunately, it did not heal the myriad Denver ded.

At 24-3, it looked pretty fucking dire indeed.  CBS then eerily – on multiple occasions – noted that Clippers du Merde [Chargers] were the first NFL team to have blown three 16+ point leads in a row.  Thanks to a delightfully stupid, blatant PI, Horse Cock Lock [Drew Lock, I presume?] went from having one shot from the 18, to one shot from the 1.  BIG FUCKING DIFFERENCE.  Great play-action, Lock kept his head while rolling out, and he found KJ Hamler, who got one blessed cheek down in bounds.  This was the SECOND one cheek = two feet score of the HALF for the Donks.  [At least the NFL got the relative value of butts correct, Rex Ryan’s opinion notwithstanding]. Not-SD then got a fruitless BLEERGH on the winning extra point, then prissily tried to start a fight.  All very amusing, because your final is Donks 31, Clippers du Merde 30. [Wooooo!]

This made Hippo very, very happy indeed.  [I, for one, welcome our new mango-jersey overlord] Also, BOLTMAN!

Breesus [Drew Brees] is well-known for his struggles with natural grass (PHRASING!), especially when weather is involved.  Thus, many (Hippo included) were wary of this blustery November trip to Chi****, without his two top WRs.  And for most of the day, this was a mutually horrid display on offense.  Breesus got his shit mostly together, and hit Taysom of the Magic Undies [Mormon Taysom Hill] for a seemingly insurmountable 23-13 lead.

But somehow, someway – despite multiple derpings – Big Dick Nick [Foles] got his charges on the outer edges of FG range.  And somehow, someway – Cairo Santos was GOOD from 51, and we get Extra Time at the Soldiers’ Field. [Matt Nagy feels vindicated in his Ahab-like fixation on kickers]

N’Awlins got the ball first, but stalled after a killer holding BLEERGH and Payton getting cold feet on 4^th and 2 from the CHI 45.  Foles then converted a yuuuuugggge 3^rd and 15, and you could see where this was going.

Except the Saints rose up and held the Bearitocrats! to minus-4 yards the rest of the possession.  Now, a nation’s hopes and dreams turned to Glorious Draw.  Why should WKRP [Cincinnati] and the Iggles have all the fun?  Que lastima [“what a pity”] we got a winning FG by Lionel Hutz.  [Wil Lutz]. 26-23, NO.  Sean Payton coached this’un pretty shitty, complete with kicking said FG on 1^st down (35 yards is fairly easy, but not automatic) rather than bleed down the clock from 1:40.  I mean, you could still kick on THIRD down, so protected against a bad snap.  But under no circumstances should you make it even theoretically plausible for Chi**** to win the game.  Shit, the draw might be enough to earn you the 1^st seed in the playoffs, it has meaning. [Also, Bears wideout Javon Wims tried the “tap a guy on the shoulder then suckerpunch him when he turns” trick. Turns out it doesn’t work so well when the other dude is wearing A FUCKING FOOTBALL HELMET].

Tomsulas [San Francisco] away to the SeaTruthers [Seattle] seemed likely to be the match of the day.  I kind of still believe(d) in Janeane [Jimmy Garoppolo], certainly against this dumpster fire secondary.  One also expected Russell Wilson to come in furious, after the meltdown in the desert.  But Janeane was awful, and left the game in Q4 for Garbage Time Mullins.  SEA let off the gas enough that Santa Clara ALMOST got within one score, but was inches short on the 2-pointer.  A bad onside kick, followed by one meaningless TD for each squadron, and 37-27 is your final.  The other half of the Owl Road likely goes through the Land of Fish Tossing and excellent, heroine-inspired music.

Nice sideline – each late window fixture involved a fight.  Various levels of intensity and fun, but 3-for-3 is pretty damned good hustle.  Hippo APPROVED!

Apologies in advance, but Hippo ain’t watching the SNF puppy abortion, nor the Dreamboat slurpfest on Monday.  Seriously, no flexing out of PHI/DAL, with the Non-Gendereds down to a third string QB that I don’t believe is even real.  FUCK OFF, NBC.  Play us out, Rev!

[So! Here we are, a late night slapfight between two teams for the “lead” in a division that would be fighting relegation in a just and fair league. Philadelphia is “ahead” in that they are 2-4-1 as opposed to 2-5. You know what they say- in the land of the blind, the one-tied man is king!]

[Sorry about that].

[At halftime, this has been the Thursday Night shitshow we all feared. The first four drives were field goal, fumble, fumble, punt, which is just a beautifully NFC East microcosm. Dakota Jeebus Wentz has two INTs and one touchdown, while Dallas is depending entirely on Greg Zuerlein and Philadelphia’s fear of retaining possession. On the upside, Zuerlein hit a 59 yarder to remind us why he was called Legatron in St. Louis. Not enough to make this bearable, but I remain at my post.]

[The second half is just brutal. Iggles start off with another turnover. Dallas resolutely refuses to capitalize with a missed field goal. Traitor Primarch and feel-good story of the season Travis Fulgrim is the only one having a good game. Seventh-round rookie QB and candidate for county treasurer Ben DiNucci fumbled and the Iggles did not shit themselves returning it for a touchdown. Then there was some sort of safety.  At this point, it’s just painful to watch even for a Dallas-hater.

I’m outie, bitches. Don’t forget to vote.]