Place: At the beginning of the Ninth and Final Circle of Hell

Time: Two minutes after TWBS got the shit scared out of him by the loudest ass hockey horn he’s ever heard.

TWBS: Ok, so if they’re not towers, what are they?

The duo continue walking and finally TWBS can see out of the mist what they are:

TWBS: Holy shit, dude! Who the fuck are those guys?!?

BALLS: Wait, I’ve got something for this!

Balls fires a finger gun in the air

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXKMMbtu85M

TWBS looks at him with a blank stare.

TWBS: I don’t get it.

BALLS: That’s The Pixies, man! Nimrod’s Son? From their debut EP? The same band that sang Here Comes Your Man? Opened for The Cure?

TWBS continues to look at him with a blank stare.

TWBS: Why is the song all country-like and shit?

BALLS: Wha…I just… Oh shit! I forgot you have no musical taste!

TWBS: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I HAVE EXCELLENT MUSICAL TASTE!

BALLS: Sure, buddy, of course you do. Whatever you say.

TWBS: Fuck you. Anyway, why are we walking straight towards them?

BALLS: We don’t really have a choice. Those are giants and we’ve got to hitch a ride on one of them so that we can get onto the Lake of Ice called Cocytus.

TWBS: Moar like COCKYTUS, amirite?

Balls ignores TWBS’ high five attempt as they near Nimrod.

Nimrod: Raphael may amech zabi almi!

BALLS (to Nimrod): Listen, you blathering idiot! Keep blowing on your little tiny dick horn when you get angry ok? In case you forgot, it’s around your neck just hanging on your chest so pretty like your father’s testicles!

TWBS: Dude! Are you sure you want to be such a dick to him?

BALLS (sighing): Do you remember where we are? You can’t be nice here. Besides, we are in the lowest level of hell, where those that committed treachery against their kin, their country, their guests and hosts, and their benefactors. Up to and including God.

TWBS: What did Nimrod do?

BALLS: Oh, not much. Basically tried to turn his people against God and claimed everything was his doing so that he could rule his people tyrannically. Oh, and as punishment, God made it so the one language everyone, and by that I mean the entire world, spoke was split into dozens and then no one could understand Nimrod’s own language and words for the rest of time.

TWBS: Damn.

BALLS: Yeah. Don’t fuck with God. You’ll see a little bit later how well that worked out for those that dared to fuck with God.

The two continue walking and pass another giant.

TWBS: Who dat?

BALLS: That’s Ephialtes. He also tried his luck against God. You can see how well he did.

TWBS: Where’s Briareus?

BALLS (shocked): You know who Briareus was?

TWBS: I’m not the uneducated redneck you think I am.

BALLS: I never said you were.

TWBS (looking at Balls sideways): Well you can stop with the NC State jokes, buddy boy! Now, where’s Briareus?

BALLS: He is actually a little further down, but we’re not going to get a chance to see him as Antaeus coming up here should be able to deliver us onto the icy lake.

TWBS: Bummer! I wanted to talk to him, too!

BALLS (to TWBS): I’m sure you did. Hold on. (to Antaeus): Hi! You, who once captured a thousand lions for fun and who, if you had chosen to fight, would have surely delivered victory to your brothers in the Great War, please don’t make us go to Tityus or Typhon. This man here can make you famous! Can you take us down?

Antaeus holds out his hand and the duo climb aboard and descend down to the icy lake. Once safely on the ice, the giant turns away from them.

TWBS: I thought you said not to be nice to anyone here! And how the fuck am I supposed to make him famous?!?

BALLS: Dude, it was a ruse. A cunning attempt to trick him. It worked.

TWBS: I’ve seen Clerks. I know what a ruse is.

As they walk the icy lake, they see figures submerged in the lake with only the shoulders and heads above the ice. Their heads are bowed down so that they can look at themselves in the clear reflection of the ice. They look immensely sad and their tears freeze on their faces.

BALLS: See all these people in the ice?

TWBS: Yes.

BALLS: We are in Caïna. Those you see here betrayed and murdered members of their family.

TWBS: Oh. OH!

BALLS: Yeah.

TWBS: So?

BALLS: If that’s what happened, then yes.

TWBS: Wow. This is… This is not good.

Balls and TWBS continue walking towards the center of the lake and soon see a lot more figures sticking out of the ice. Their faces are purple from the cold.

TWBS (shivering): Dude, it’s fucking cold down here! What the fuq? I thought hell was all about fire and shit!

BALLS: It’s all about extremes, man. Extreme heat or extreme cold, it all hurts. There is some fucking PUNISHMENT going on down here!

TWBS: Who are these new people we’re passing through?

BALLS: We are now in Antenora, where those that betrayed their country lie.

TWBS: So, mostly politicians?

BALLS: Yeah, pretty much.

TWBS and Balls move along even closer to the middle of the lake. They soon see more sinners frozen in the lake, but this time their faces are raised up high. They are continuously crying and their tears freeze their eyelids shut.

TWBS: What’s the deal with these ones? Why are their heads held up instead of facing down?

BALLS: Well, we are now in Tolomea, named after Ptolemy. Ptolemy had his father in law and others killed while they were dinner guests. Hence, this is where those that betrayed their guests and/or hosts are punished. Their pain is made much more intense because of the frozen eyelids and the continuous crying.

TWBS: That’s pretty fucked up right there.

BALLS: Yeah, right?

TWBS: Mind if I talk to one of them?

BALLS (laughing): Sure, why not? Fucking talker!

As they walk, one of the souls starts screaming at them.

Rude Soul: You assholes that have been assigned to this circle! Break this ice off my eyelids so that I can get some relief! At least until the tears start flowing again!

TWBS (to the soul): Tell me who you are and, if I don’t help you, may I go down underneath this lake!

Rude Soul: I am Jimmy Fallon! I am the one that got the Tonight Show after Jay Leno. I am here because I have betrayed my guests!

TWBS: Wait, aren’t you still hosting the Tonight Show?

Jimmy Fallon: Ah, but it’s a strange quirk of this particular circle and of Tolomea itself that whenever the betrayal takes place, a demon takes possession of the body for all the years it has left while the soul falls straight here to suffer in pain.

BALLS and TWBS (in unison, nodding and looking at each other): Makes sense!

TWBS (walking away and NOT helping Jimmy Fallon): Ok, thanks for the info. Later, sucker!

Balls walks quickly to catch up to TWBS, who is walking faster now.

BALLS: Nice!! I’m so proud of you! That’s the way to be a proper asshole to these people down here!

TWBS: Thank you!

BALLS Vexilla regis prodeunt Inferni.

TWBS: What the wha?

BALLS: No Latin? Ok. It means that we are getting close to seeing the King of Hell, Lucifer himself!

TWBS: Like on Fox?

BALLS: No, not like on Fox. Get yourself ready. This is not going to be pretty.

Balls and TWBS continue walking along the ice until they see a large figure out of the mist.

TWBS: Is that a windmill?

BALLS: Uh, no.

The wind gets stronger and the mist goes away and they soon discover that the source of the wind is Lucifer’s wings. He stands with half his body sticking out of the lake. The giants that Balls and TWBS saw earlier would be about the size of the duo when compared to him. He’s fucking massive.

The head holds three faces for a total of 6 eyes, 3 noses, and 3 mouths. In each mouth, Lucifer is chewing on a sinner. From all 6 eyes, tears constantly drip down and mix with the neverending blood of the sinners.

The middle face is bright red while the one on the right is a blend of white and yellow while the one on the left is black.

BALLS: So…. whatcha think?

TWBS: Dude!!

Balls: The one getting crunched on in the front face is, of course, Judas Iscariot. As you can see, his head is inside the mouth and the legs are sticking out like celery sticks in a Bloody Mary.

TWBS starts to throw up a little.

BALLS The sinner getting munched on in the left face is Brutus while the one on the whitish-yellowish face is Cassius. I’m assuming you know who they are, right?

TWBS: The Assassination of Julius Caesar. Yeah, got it.

BALLS (beaming): Ok! You wanna talk to anybody?

TWBS (sick to his stomach): Dude! This is disgusting! And sad!

BALLS: Lucky for you, that’s the end of the tour. Unfortunately, there’s no gift shop. Also unfortunately, you’re not going to like how we need to get out here.

TWBS: At this point, I don’t care. I REALLY don’t want to be here anymore.

BALLS: Ok, go piggyback on me and hold on to my neck.

TWBS: GAY!

BALLS: Do you want to get out of here?

TWBS: Yes.

BALLS: Then don’t be an ass.

Balls walks right up to Lucifer’s body and waits for the wings to flap just right so they don’t hit them and then proceeds to scale down Lucifer’s back using his hairs as one would a ladder through the frozen ice down into the lake.

BALLS: You alright there?

TWBS (scared): Why are you touching him? Eww!!

BALLS: It is the only way.

The two continue climbing down until the thigh begins. Then, Balls makes a right turn and reaches a rocky crevice. He begins climbing it.

TWBS (softly to himself): What the?!? Why are we climbing? Are we going back to hell?

BALLS (hearing TWBS): Just hang on. There is no other way.

As Balls and TWBS get to the edge of the rocky crevice, Balls puts TWBS down. TWBS looks up and sees Lucifer’s legs stretching out as far as he can see.

TWBS: Wait! What happened to the ice? How are his legs in the sky?

BALLS: That’s because we have passed the center of the earth. When Lucifer fell from Heaven, he came down this way and was lodged in the center of the earth. On the other side, beyond his feet, is a high mountain formed by his fall. That is our way out.

TWBS: But how the fuck are we getting out?!?

BALLS: There is a cavern here out of which flows a stream that comes all the way from the mountain. We follow the stream and we’ll get to the surface.

TWBS: Cavern? There is a cavern in the middle of Lucifer’s body that trickles water? Are you taking me into Lucifer’s asshole?!?!

BALLS (laughing and looking away): No! Never! Never!

TWBS: YOU ARE!! That’s why you are obsessed with asses and assholes!! That’s why you’re my guide through hell!

BALLS: You know they say that salvation comes through the asshole!

TWBS: No they don’t!! Who says that?

BALLS: Ok, I guess only me? Look, I don’t know if it IS his asshole, but I know it’s our only way out of here, so…

TWBS: Ugh! Fiiiiine!

They go into the dark cavern and start climbing.

BALLS: It’s going to be a long way, but we can’t stop anywhere for rest. We have to keep going, ok?

TWBS: Ok. Just get me the hell outta here!

BALLS (laughing): You realize what you just said, right?

TWBS: Shut up and get me out of here!!

They continue walking and climbing without rest with Balls leading the way and TWBS following behind. Finally, they get to a small round opening. TWBS pokes his head through.

TWBS: Dude! I see stars!

***

Balls and TWBS crawl out of the opening and find themselves back on familiar territory. They are on an island which has a large and steep mountain in the middle. They find themselves at sea level.

TWBS: Where the fuck are we?

BALLS: I’ll let you know soon enough, but do you mind if we rest a bit? That was a long climb and I’m pretty tired after the whole trip.

TWBS: Come to think of it, I’m pretty tired too. Should we sleep on the beach?

BALLS: Yeah, I think that’s the most comfortable spot. You can even move the sand around to give you lumbar support!

Balls and TWBS make little sand beds and are soon lying down in them and looking at the stars.

TWBS: This is nice. Much better than hell!

BALLS: It should be.

TWBS: Where are we?

BALLS: Tomorrow, ok?

TWBS: Fine. Pussy. Good night!

BALLS (smiling): Good night!

TWBS falls asleep pretty quickly and starts snoring. Balls looks over at him and laughs. He gets to a sitting position and then crosses his legs. He clasps his hands together and bows his head.

BALLS (silently): O God:
Ease our suffering in this, our moment of great despair
Yea, admit this good and decent numbnut into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area up there
And Moab, he laidest down in the land of the Canaanites
And yea, though the Hindus speak of Karma, I implore you
Give him. Give him a break.
Baruch Ata, Hallelujah!

Balls then makes the sign of the cross over TWBS and lies down on his sandy bed. He is soon asleep.

***

In the morning, TWBS wakes up. He looks over but doesn’t see Balls.

TWBS (nervously): Balls?!? Where the fuck are you? BALLS!!

BALLS (in the ocean, bodysurfing): TWBS! I’m over here! Get over here, the waves are great!

TWBS: Nice!! I’m on my way!

TWBS runs out to the beach and the two take turns bodysurfing waves better than The Wedge on a perfect day. After a while, they return to the beach and dry off in the warm sun.

BALLS: So, listen. I’ve got a thing and (looks at bare wrist) will you look at the time! I’m running late! So, I guess I’ll be seeing you.

TWBS: WHAT?? You’re leaving me here? Alone?!?

BALLS: Well, I’m a dick, but I’m not that big of an asshole. I’ve got a surprise for you.

Balls looks towards the mountain and points to a tall white figure walking towards them.

BALLS: Take a look!

TWBS (turning towards the mountain): What the? Who the fuq is that???

TWBS looks back towards Balls but he has vanished into thin air.

TWBS: BALLS!! YOU ASSHOOOOOLE!!

TWBS starts to get worried, but then the figure gets closer and TWBS can actually see who it is.

TWBS: Dude! What the hell are you doing here?

***

In his bedroom back home, Balls wakes up. It is 5:30 AM on a Saturday morning. The blonde next to him feels him moving and wakes up too.

BLONDE: ¿Qué pasó? ¿Estás bien?

BALLS: Sí. ¡Nada más tuve un sueño bien extraño!

BLONDE: ¿De qué?

BALLS: Un loco que conocí en el Internet en DFO. Lo llevé en un tur del Infierno.

BLONDE: ¿Y tocabas canciones? ¿Tocaste Depeche Mode?

BALLS: ¡Si, claro!

BLONDE ¡Bien hecho! ¿Podemos dormir más?

BALLS: ¡Si, mi vida! Te adoro.

Balls kisses her softly on the lips and holds her tight against him. As he drifts off to sleep again, he shoots a finger gun in the air.