So very little happened this week – wasn’t it nice to spend a relaxing Sunday with our good friend, FITBAW?

[Closed captions for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Reverend E. Mayhem presiding]

There weren’t exactly any epic games early, so let’s start with one of the best coaching jobs you will ever see – Matt Rhule of the Black Panthers.  His charges went into Kansas City…and played to win, not lose respectably.  Even though…that’s what they ultimately did.  With about 6 minutes left in Q1, they faced 4th and 3 at the KC 9.  I’m not sure any other coach in the league even thinks a decision is to be made.  But Rhule didn’t hesitate, they called a great route for Christian McCaffrey…7-0, Charlotte.  They would later try a surprise onside kick [surprise onside kicks! Each more surprising than the last!] and even designed a perfect play to get 7 more yards (with just 5 seconds on the clock) before trying a Hail Mary FG.  But the Chefs (also well-coached) broke the pass up, and Slye was wide from 68.  [Andy Reid was, of course, wide from all ranges]. Chefs survive, 33-31.

I have been…perhaps a tad dismissive regarding Buffalo in recent weeks.  [SAY IT!]

But “Good Brokeback” [resurgent MVP candidate Josh Allen] re-surfaced this week, and brought the defense along for the ride.  [Four Russell Wilson turnovers- two interceptions, two sack fumbles. One in the Buffalo end zone, two deep in Seattle territory. If DC Leslie Frazier doesn’t get another head coaching job this Spring, we riot]. Russell Wilson still made some plays (duh, is what he does), but the SeaTruthers never got closer than 27-20 -and even then, it didn’t feel that close. [Wooooo!]  Perhaps Seattle is the side we should be issuing “January Wet Fart” warnings for? [Or maybe the Bills are JUST THAT GOOD! WOOOOOOOOOO!]  Anyway, 44-34 is your final from WNY.

Donks WOO!! [Woo!] fought back after – again – digging a deep-ass hole.  Some delicious Q4 yardage/score padding made it 34-27, but they failed to convert the onside kick.  The “50 seconds of desperation” drive [also referred to as “Prom Night”] resulted in zero yards, so 34-27 it stays, Falcons win their 3rd.  [Booo, although Georgia gets a pass right now]. Still, it’s vital to keep the big picture in mind.  These are valuable reps for Horse Cock Lock [Drew Lock] and his young receiving corps.  Judge [Jerry] Jeudy finally broke out a bit, and KJ Hamler definitely has something.  It’s a 3-5 with PROMISE – unlike the “3-5 with elderly roster and no cap room” Falcons.

DonT’s Glorious Tits [Titans, although I’m sure he has excellent taste in ladyfriends as well] kicked in the Bearistocrats! teeth, despite doing next to nothing on offense.  Chi**** did manage two garbage time scores, to save a little dignity.  You might see Foles’ final passing line and think he is once-again tumescent.  You would be wrong.  24-17, Tennessee.  Speaking of Bearistocrats! – put a pin in this delightful comedic tidbit, as Gilbert Gottfried will feature again in this week’s column:

Frank Reich’s Humps [Colts] had a really good gameplan, and frustrated the shit out of Lamar! and pals.  Balmer [Baltimore] had like two first downs the entire first half.  But Lamar! didn’t make the big fuckup, while Indy did – a Q2 Jonathan Taylor fumble that went for 6 the other way.  Humps only led 10-7 at the half, and it was their turn to be stymied offensively the rest of the way.  Gus and Lamar! each ran for a score, and a long Justin Tucker FG ended the coring [typo or commentary on the thoroughness of the thrashing?], 24-10 Ratbirds.

If one is drafting in the 6th round, one might ask the Jagura front office for advice.  First, Minshew Mania.  Now, Niiiiiiicccccce Beaver alumnus Jake Luton.  [He went to Oregon State, mascot- The Beavers. Also:]

Yeah, it was just the 500s [Houston Texans] at home – but 300+, 8.0 YPA, and two scores (one rushing)?  Pretty damned good for a green rookie.  They couldn’t hit the 2 pointer to send things to OT, so Romeo Crennell collects his 2nd interim win.  27-25, HOU.

Redacteds and Gigantes [Washington “Football Team” and New Jersey Giants] figured to be a Very Sad Affair, and it lived up [down?] to the hype.  Fitting for the NFC Special Needs Division [East], the 1-win team defeated the 2-win team, on the road.  Bury My Ankle At FedEx Field reads the epitath for Kyle Allen’s career.  It was basically DAK!’s injury, but perhaps even more grotesque.  But yeah, that “turf” is just fine and dandy per The Shield.  Jeebus.  Anyway, it’s nice that Prior FedEx Victim Alex Smith is able to walk again – that said, he has no place on an active NFL roster.  Los Gigantes forced a total of 5 turnovers, and it’s hard to lose under such circumstances.  Even if you’re Los Gigantes.  23-20, fin.

Operation Hide the Dingleberry [“Captain Dingleberry” Kirk Cousins] has a 2-0 record, as Minny handled Fat (no #NuAIDS) Stafford and the Fuck Lions, 34-20.  Our intrepid Captain only threw 20 passes, but was very efficient in doing so (220 yards, 3 scores).  Remember how we all cut “breakout” TE Irv Smith?  OY.  Matt Patricia continues to force feed the corpse of Adrian Petersen, who most assuredly did NOT have a “revenge game” against the Purple folk.  Matt Patricia can get right fucked. [Dude’s gonna get punted tomorrow. $10]  Oh, and Dalvin Cook remained an absolute beast.

Just three in the late window, “highlighted” by the undefeated Yinzers [Steelers] travelling to Dallas.  As (I believe) Horatio said earlier – this would have been quite the matchup.  In 1976.  But in the Year of Our #NuAIDS LAWD 2020, it “features” journeyman/comedian Gilbert Gottfried [Garrett Gilbert] making his first career start. In doing so, Gilbert became the 4th Non-Gendered Cowperson starting QB in so many weeks (or maybe is 4 in 5 weeks, I ain’t looking that shit up).  To a nation’s shock, Gilbert threw a TD and generally moved the ball well.  After a trick punt return gave DAL an instant RedZone trip, their early lead extended (cue Jimmy Johnson) to 13-nil.  But a gimpy The Ben [Roethlisberger] found a wide-open James Washington.  13-6, because they missed the extra point.  Then, quite naturally, nailed a 59-yard FG at the halftime gun (after missing from 54, but can’t decline a false start penno – guess the “crowd noise” must have covered up the whistle?).  So…13-9.  But could the medical staff shoot up Mr. Rapey [still Roethlisberger] enough to play the 2nd half?

Uh, yes.  Yes, they could.  Yet, Q3 belonged to the Non-Gendered, who were inches away from a potential knockout blow (at the Yinzer 20).  Cap’n BlueBunny [Dallas coach Mike McCarthy] chose to go gutless, kicking a FG for that mythical “two score lead.”  Which means next to nothing, with an entire quarter and change still to play. [And the Dallas “defense” being who they are this season]  The Ben predictably got 6 for his charges, and lo and behold-  19-15, with over 14 minutes still to play.  Because they fucked up the extra point AGAIN (this time, a block).  Another long kick return followed, but Gilbert tossed a pickerception on 3rd and goal.  Nobody wanted to win this fucker.  The Ben fumbled, but defensive holding bailout BLEERGH [penalty].  Coach Epps [seriously, Mike Tomlin is Omar Epps] then went the coward route, kicking a FG on 4th and 7, with just 7 and change to play.  Dumb.  But 2-for-2 on FGs, 0-for-2 on XP.  19-18, N-GCp.

Said cowardice could have been fatal, but for a bailout, roughing BLEERGH.  It would have been 4th and 10, and punt time.  Instead, The Ben found The Juju Bee [JuJu Smith-Schuster] for like 50 yards (and it should have been 20, as the refs AND the replay booth missed a sideline touch).  Two plays later, Ebron vaulted over the safety for a 24-19 lead.  The deuce failed [TRY SOME FIBER!], so it was “do or die” for Gilbert.  He die.  Amazingly, Yinzburgh STILL fucked up the 4th and 1, then let Gilbert get across midfield, with 30 ticks left.  3rd and 10 conversion, then easy quick out, so you get a semi-Hail Mary from the PIT 23.  But Yinzers hold on, and go to 8-0 for apparently the first time in EVAR.

Clippers du Merde [Shit Clippers, aka Chargers] hosted the Vegas Raiders, in one derpy-assed fixture.  Still, you feel bad for the SoCal fans who could not attend.  You know, Raiders fans.  I paid very little attention to this, outside of not-SD continuing to draw up scoring plays for RBs liken Kalen Ballage and Gabe Nabers.  Yes, that is a real name.  This time, the Clips at least didn’t blow a huge lead.  They were behind almost the entire way, instead!  [Progress!] Final drive by Herbert was decent, but not quite enough.  Two end zone shots (inside the 5) at the death, can’t complain about that.  But losing the last play score on a replay bobble?  Poor bastards.  31-26, Vegas.

Coked-Up RedZone Guy thinks that Quardinals/LOLfins was the first NFL matchup between two QBs wearing #1.  Amazing to me to think that both of these squadrons seem plausible playoff participants [expanded bullshit playoff inflation]- but ’tis true, and was actually a really good game.  Tua looked much better than on his debut.  [Faint fucking praise] Extends the play well (duh).  In a game of fine margins – Jason Sanders hit from 50, then Zane somehow was SHORT from 49.  34-31, LOLfins get the yuuuuuugggge road win.

Good late window.  And no matter how bad Monday gets…Diamond Joe is still the President-Elect.  HUZZAH! [HUZZZZAH!]

/now, over to the good Reverend!

[38-3 Saints over Buccaneers. Tom Brady, apparently worn out from 14 days of constant media fellatio, ended up throwing for 209 yards, no touchdowns and 3 interceptions. Antonio Brown had 3 receptions for 31 yards in his much-ballyhoo’d reunion with Tom Terrific]

[Apropos of nothing, here is famous author John Scalzi’s recipe for Schadenfreude Pie.]

[Fellow geriatric Drew Brees also threw for less than 225 yards, but 4 of his were touchdowns. Michael Thomas emerged from the doghouse as the lead Saints receiver, though that only amounted to 51 yards. Taysom Hill had more rushing yards than Alvin Kamara.  The Saints were working with short fields most of the night.  New Orleans jumped out to a 28-0 lead halfway through the second quarter and the rest was an extended live-action rendition of the Simpsons’ “Stop, stop! He’s already dead!” gif.]

[So in conclusion: Congratulations to America for deciding not to commit political suicide by choosing the doddering centerist white guy instead of the insane cockweasel orange guy. The fact that this qualifies as Hope is perhaps the most DFO thing ever. Goodnight, and BLERGH bless].