Through the climb of Ante-Purgatory, about five minutes after the last volume ended

TWBS: Hey, why’d you do that? We could have watched football and had beer and nachos with Gerry Ford!

Senor: As much fun as that would have been we have to move. I know, it’s unfortunate, but we would’ve been stuck reading George H.W. Bush’s memoirs and that would have taken forever. Especially because remember what they said:

Flash back to about 4 minutes ago.

Gerald Ford: It’s a long way up the mountain, and how to get there’s a mystery, as there is no individual path.

George H.W. Bush: But read our lips: You cannot climb up Mount Purgatory after nightfall.

TWBS: I would’ve preferred: “Your long personal nightmare is over.”

Senor: You are still dead.

TWBS: Oh shush.

Flash back to the present.

Senor: And that’s why I said we’d better go then. They understood. It’s not like we’re trying to duck former presidents who we would have never gotten the opportunity to speak to in the mortal realm. After all we’re… ah, crap.

TWBS: What?

Senor: That is a set sun, would you say? And look, it’s like I’m walking into a video game invisible wall, try it.

It’s like the mime in the box bit, except real. They can’t pass where they were.

TWBS: Dafuq. This is bizarre.

Senor: I guess this is our spot for the evening.

TWBS: Another chant. I hope I don’t have to hear any more of these once I get to Heaven. If it’s my kind of Heaven, definitely not.

Senor: If it’s your kind of Heaven the music’s gonna suck.

TWBS: I’m sorry, how can you actually like this—what the fuck is that?

Two angels, clad in green, can be seen in a blaze of light descending from the heavens to the mountain. They both carry swords that even from here look like they need a solid hour of grinding.

Senor: They must be here to protect the mountain from the serpent.

TWBS: Serpent?!? Why would there be a serpent here, of all places? And why would celestial beings have to descend to protect it?

Senor: If it’s the mountain of Purgatory, three guesses about the relation or motive of that serpent. Also considering it would be some sort of scripture-based one.

TWBS: So… devil snake?

Senor: Something like that. Oh hey look! We have company.

TWBS (peering into the distance): And I think I know that guy. IIRC I know him from an alumni event. Hey!

The NC State Alum walks over.

NC State Alum: TWBS? Is that you? Dude, am I—well, I can’t say glad, cause, well, we’re here, but it’s nice to see a familiar face. How long have you been here?

TWBS: This morning, actually. A friend of mine took me through Hell, but then he lied and said he had a thing and left me with another friend.

NC State Alum: Wow, what a dick.

TWBS: I know, that’s my best friend for ya!

Senor: Hi, I’m the other friend who he got left with.

NC State Alum: Hold up. Are you alive in Purgatory?

Senor: Um… yes?

NC State Alum: Amazing! I’m positive that only the dead are supposed to be here but that must make you special or something. Since I’m guessing you’ll be able to come back to the living, can you give a message to my daughter, Giovanna? Tell her to pray for me.

Senor: I would, but I don’t live in North Carolina, the only other people I know from North Carolina or went to school there went to the School of the Arts in Winston-Salem, and she’d have absolutely no idea who I am and block my ass from social media immediately. So, I don’t think it’s gonna help.

NC State Alum: All right, it was wishful thinking I guess. Let’s just take a look at the stars, it’s always a nice night—gents?

Senor: Snaaaaaaaaake!

The giant snake has appeared near them in the mountain and has sensed the trio talking. It slithers over to do… something, whether it’s to attack or to have a more subtle purpose. But no sooner did the cry about the snake go out than the two green-clad angels swoop in. And sensing those, the snake slithered back.

Senor: Hmm. That was pretty cool.

TWBS: I’ve never seen that kind of snake! I know it was dark but those markings are unfamiliar.

Senor: I’m guessing it’s not the pet snake kinda of markings that you’d see in your practicing days, is it?

TWBS: But that was pretty cool. Where’d the angels go?

NC State Alum: They’ve returned to their post at the top of the mountain.

TWBS: Typical. Just enough to show off, but if they really wanted to drive that snake back they’d do so.

Senor: The eternal question. I don’t want to deal with it, let’s go the fuck to sleep. (He turns to the NC State alum.) It was nice meeting you, and sorry about your daughter.

TWBS: Is she still single?

Senor: Dude!

The next morning…

TWBS: Ugh, I had the weirdest dream. A golden eagle came to take me into the air, and… shit, I don’t remember the rest. But it was weird.

Senor: Okay, Frodo. Let’s get moving. After all, that’s (pointing forward) where we’re heading.

TWBS: That cliff? Are we going to have to climb it?

Senor: See there, the entrance? Where it seems disjoined? That is the gate.

TWBS: So what was this the whole time?

Senor: As I said for the late repentants and the excommunicates, they have to do whatever time they have to do, and that’s just to get here. This gate marks Purgatory proper. Now promise me you won’t give a hard time to the gatekeeper?

TWBS: What gatekeeper? Oh, that one. But I’m not sure about the stairs. Why don’t they match?

Three large steps lead to the gates of Purgatory. The first is made of marble. The second, of a dark blue stone. The third is of a bright ruby gemstone color. At the top of the staircase sits an angel, or a saint, or something armed with an unsheathed sword blinding the pair. Right before tWBS and Senor start climbing the stairs he finally stirs and speaks.

St. Patrick, consensus gatekeeper of Purgatory: Top of the mornin’ to ye. But, who are ye?

Senor: Let’s see, he died and was being a dick to St. Peter when trying to get into Heaven, so he sent him through the Dante route, which is how we got here. Original Vergil bounced at the shores of Purgatory so I ended up replacing him, and now we’re here.

St. Patrick: So you are his escort?

Senor: Yes.

St. Patrick: Then you may both proceed.

TWBS and Senor walk up each step. The marble step has an almost mirror sheen; the stone one, cracked by the weight of countless others trodding upon it; the gem-colored one, red as flame.

St. Patrick: Nicholas, would you do the honors?

St. Nicholas of Tolentino, patron of the souls in Purgatory: Hold still please.

He takes St. Patrick’s sword and inscribed seven Ps on tWBS’s head.

tWBS: My face! My beautiful face!

Senor: I don’t know if I’d go that far…

St. Patrick: Take heed that thou wash these wounds within these walls.

St. Nicholas: (to Senor) Or more likely, you make sure he washes them, escort.

St. Patrick takes two keys, one silver and one gold, and using them in that order, unlocks the gate.

St. Patrick: Be forewarned, whoever looks behind may return forth.

tWBS: What does that mean?

Senor: It means don’t look back, Orpheus.

The gate opens with a thunderous roar. And with that, tWBS and Senor walk through the gates of Purgatory.