Your Very First Sunday NFL Football Open Thread

It’s been tough to make predictions in this most unlikely of football adventures this year but here’s one I feel I can safely offer. The entire NFC East will lose this week, allowing the mighty New York Football Giants to maintain their stranglehold on the division lead. Easy Peasy.

TO THE GAMES!

Saints/Falcons:

Fantasy owners looking to Kamara to win them some games down the stretch have been ambushed by The Taysom Hill Factor. Three targets in two weeks? Adding insult to injury, he’s been out-snapped by Lat Murray 34 to 25. ATL has been enjoying a prolonged ‘dead cat bounce’ after the Quinn firing-their D has gone from surrendering 32 points per game all the way down to a much more respectable 20.

Lions/Bears:

Truth Biscuit gonna have himself a game? Over his last four vs Detroit he’s had 3 TD scores each time. The secret behind his success was the Lions not disguising their coverages at all. Since-fired Patricia used little to no motion pre-snap so Mitch was able to go to get the ball to his first read. It’s hard to imagine that the Lions would be able to change things up so quickly. Your sneaky play just might be Darnell Mooney who is playing off Jeff Odukah-the latter has given up the 3rd most yards receiving despite missing 2 games.

Browns/Titans:

Since the Titans acquired Desmond King they have been PFF’s highest-graded coverage unit. Their run D remains a work in progress though. They’ve allowed the 7th most fantasy points to rb’s and struggle when opposing O’s give them a taste of their own Derrick Henry medicine. “Oh, oh. That’s Nick Chubb’s music!”

Bengals/Fins:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, if Fitz is under center, start your Devante Adams.” He gets a silly 40% target share when the bearded Harvard is in there and there are far more shots downfield. Tua is a gametimer and Flores insists if he’s ready to go he’ll be in there. At 7-4 the Fins need to take care of business here because they have K.C, N.E., L.V. and the Bills the rest of the way.

Jags/Vikes:

Minny has the 25th ranked run D and is the only team to allow 100 yards to Zeke. That bodes well for rb Robinson because The Giraffe leaned on him plenty last week to the tune of 27 touches and a ridiculous 97% snap share.

Raiders/Jets:

The Jets trajectory is such that one can get a ‘Lawrence’ jersey in green and white on eBay. They do have the league’s 4th best run D but that’s because everyone passes on them. That said, Vegas will no doubt give rb Booker (Jacobs is injured) 20 touches because Gruden will always Gruden.

Colts/Texans:

Rook Taylor was finally tearing Indy’s  RBBC asunder when he got Corona-ed. So does he immediately return as the main guy or are fantasy guys back to square one again? Many are lamenting the absence of Will Fuller but the Texans are more likely wishing that cb Bradley-Robey was on the field. Without him Houston has gifted 196/2 to Adams and 146/1 to Chark. Hear that, Michael Pittman owners?

Do you have a prediction? Let’s hear it.

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Don T

TEN’s 3rd down D is as sturdy as the Iraqi Republican Guard (2003)

Redshirt

Well it took nearly 30 years, but the Bengals incompetence finally got an opponent pissed off.

Senor Weaselo

So Senorita Weaselo’s acquaintance either tripped or was pushed onto the subway tracks and crushed her foot. So she’s dog sitting and I’m with her on weekends like I normally am.

Last night we attempted to bake an apple pie which was going mildly swimmingly although we were inadequately kitchen equipped until we turned on the oven and got the smell of hell.

Glue trap in the broiler, with dead mouse. Pie was placed on hold, a kind of pie-atus.

Gumbygirl

Extra protein!

Doktor Zymm

Um. Skipping over the wtf subway bit, how did y’all not know there was a glue trap IN THE OVEN?

Dunstan

Given the “inadequately kitchen equipped,” I’m guessing this acquaintance never cooks.

Doktor Zymm

Still, either acquaintance put the glue trap in there and forgot about it, or it’s been in there since before moving in

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Something’s rotten in Denmark/that apartment

Gumbygirl

Chuckie’s getting a little red. Hate to see him upset.

Gatoraids

Director of the Cove is the Bengals special teams coach

King Hippo

Dolphin/Bengal Slap Fight!!

Doktor Zymm

They prematurely ejected

Redshirt

A Bengals coach got knocked to the ground.

Senor Weaselo

Don’t you fucking do this, Jets.

King Hippo

Narrator – The Jets fucking DID this.

Dunstan

The Jets can pack a lot of derp into five minutes

Sharkbait

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Redshirt

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Doktor Zymm

To be fair, Las Vegas never would have succeeded as a city without affordable mass Jet travel

Redshirt

…and Bengals just lost their 2019 1st Rounder.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have to keep reminding myself that I am NOT a fan of the Raiders anymore.

Doktor Zymm

It takes a couple years, but it does wear off. I only rarely have moments of residual Team fandom nowadays.

Redshirt

Free Runner (n)

  1. Unblocked defender running at the ball carrier.
  2. Defender who got past Bobby Hart.
Gumbygirl

The blind squirrel smells the acorn…

Redshirt

Rudy Giuliani has tested positive for COVID-19. Go COVID-19!

LemonJello

Thoughts and prayers to COVID-19

Doktor Zymm

JUST SAW THIS! GO COVID, IT’S POSSIBLY YOUR BIRTHDAY, GO COVID!

Dunstan

Rudy will be asking the Supreme Court to overturn the results of his COVID test

Doktor Zymm

Stop the testing! Count the negative tests!

litre_cola

Did he get it from the drunk blonde broad?

Redshirt

No, he got something else from her.

Game Time Decision

Bad dye job?

Gumbygirl

J-E-S-T Jest Jest Jest!

Don T

?yeah beybeh overturnt?

Don T

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Doktor Zymm

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King Hippo

Don’t look now, but Taysom’s rushing line is NOOOOIIIIICCCCE

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It truly would be a crowning achievement of the Raiders to blow an eleven point fourth quarter lead to the fucking Jets.

Sharkbait

Unsubscribe

Gumbygirl

Entirely within the realm of probability.

Game Time Decision

Comedy wise YES
Jest having a win NO

Dunstan

Do the ’76 Bucs, ’08 Lions, and ’17 Browns all pop champagne each season when the last team gets a win?

Gatoraids

Pop the balloon on their jenkem stash is more like it

clint greasewood

Warm Schlitz in a brown paper bag.

Doktor Zymm

St. Ides

King Hippo

Sure appreciated that close-up of Becton’s plumber’s ass

Doktor Zymm

The NFLPA is such a shitty union they can’t even get a drawstring into the unis

King Hippo

Touch of Downs INTO THE LEAD!!

King Hippo

Merde, I missed a VegasDOWN at some point

Game Time Decision

Wtf was that TEN? Not even close

King Hippo

BLEERGH, BLEERGH, everywhere-a-BLEERGH

Doktor Zymm

*deep breath* OLD McBLEERGH had a BLEERGH and BLEERGH was it’s NAME-O

Doktor Zymm

Ooops, mixed up my nursery rhyme songs. Oh well.

Game Time Decision

Makes it better

Doktor Zymm

Damn, that doesn’t look like an interception at all! The ball hit the ground before it was in the hands of the Clots

Doktor Zymm

The witching hour is followed immediately by the bitching hour

King Hippo

or in Casa del Buddy – the felching hour!

LemonJello

Bleergh bails out TannyFanny

Game Time Decision

And another flag to get new downs

herodotus450

Cork Cousins would be a good wine brand for Kirk to get into after retiring. If he can get the trademark rights from that Irish fetish site.

Doktor Zymm

He’ll fight for CVS shelf space in the Midwest with Ditka’s wine brand

Game Time Decision

That would also be a porn search term

Mother Puncher

I highly recommend his PMT interview from earlier this week where they just read him all the mean tweets they’ve said about him over the years

Game Time Decision

Interesting song choice of “Naughty by Nature’s OPP” when going to break but nawt after a turnover

Doktor Zymm

How did the Chiefs not trade for Ham?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Sharkbait

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ArmedandHammered

Maybe they were afraid Andy would not be able to focus.

Don T

Just a field goal, 20-point lead
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Doktor Zymm

The Browns won’t make friends with salad

litre_cola

Is DJ Chark even in the stadium?

Sharkbait

Apparently not, and I am not pleased with this development

Doktor Zymm

It’s weirdly appropriate that a RB is named after part of a horse’s legcomment image

Don T

How id that NAWT grounding?

Don T

¡Gracias! Sheeeeeit.

Don T

Whatever happens, methinks I’m getting a visit from the Marlboro Fairy.
Which is summin’ Ah may have been called behind my back.

ArmedandHammered

is that the one where you leave your cigarette butts and the fairy leaves you a helping of lung cancer?

Don T

It’s when the tar discovers more kinda gray alveoli

Don T

Tits showing signs of life.
“Tell me more”
-Russ Meyer

litre_cola

Trubisky nods.

Dunstan

I thought it was a hipster terms for Montezuma’s Revenge

Dunstan

That at least vaguely made sense in my head, where I read it as “Aztec Karma”

ArmedandHammered

I was thinking Aztec Camaro and tried to imagine that vehicle.

litre_cola

Boss Todd is in agreement.

Doktor Zymm

Like a normal Camaro, except made of stone and the altar for ritual sacrifice is on the roof instead of the spoiler

Last edited 3 years ago by Doktor Zymm
ArmedandHammered

Was thinking of the Pontiac Aztec, but I like your version better.

The Maestro

Howdy, folks. Just got home from a nice walk after a fantastic homemade eggs Benny brunch. Considering calling in deceased to work tomorrow so I never have to lose this holiday feeling ever again.

Gumbygirl

I have leftover lemon orzo with spinach and feta. I’m making some bacon that I will crumble into the bowls and putting a fried egg on the top. Sunday brunch!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Darren Waller is single handedly beating my ff team

LemonJello

Did they replace Travis Henry with Buck Henry and just not tell anyone?

Don T

Hehe. Speaking of “Get Smart”, Mel Brooks used to say that Buck only showed up for lunch and receiving royalty checks. That’s top-shelf venom.

Don T

Yes, I’m 85 years old

ArmedandHammered

Loved Get Smart and Henry’s appearances on SNL. The Lord and Lady Douchebag is a standout in my mind.

Doktor Zymm

I purchased and watched all the Get Smart seasons over the course of the pandemic. They’re classic.

Don T

Fo sho. My only regret of separation / divorce was leaving the DVD box set of GS.

Doktor Zymm

The only box set I own is The Prisoner, in general I’m not in favor of storing physical DVDs when I can rip the content and stick it on a giant external HD, but there is something special about box sets

Dunstan

“Be seeing you…”

Don T

Switched back to the TEN game.
Final score: CLE 52 : 27 TEN

rockingdog

found a funny:

Replacing the words “the economy” with “rich people’s yacht money”

-How can we respond to COVID without sacrificing rich people’s yacht money?
-Saving the environment sounds nice but what about rich people’s yacht money?
-Medicare for all would destroy rich people’s yacht money

Recovery Whiskey

Bears going shotgun with Trubisky reminds me of that final scene from Ol’ Yeller.

King Hippo

Should I manage the DFO playoffs, will be solely due to a Mormon and Younghoe.

ArmedandHammered

Mormon and Young Hoe, sounds like a pornhub search to me.

Dunstan

“This fall, on CBS, it’s the new detective drama, ‘Mormon and Younghoe’!”

Game Time Decision

On the means streets of Chicago, of course

ArmedandHammered

Salt Lake City, wants a show for their slightly aggravating streets.

Doktor Zymm

As might be expected in a religious town, if you’re down and out in SLC, it’s pretty wretched. Some serious drug and homelessness issues, and no real social services since, ya know, it’s their fault for being godless.

ArmedandHammered

I had heard that, but it is not like they are ever going to admit it.

Doktor Zymm

Unlikely buddy comedy!

clint greasewood

Beth Mowins making history today as the first women to do play-by-play on broadcast TV. Unfortunately they paired her with Jay Feely.

Doktor Zymm

You know I’m desperate to start travelling again when my 2021 trip spreadsheet already looks like this:

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King Hippo

Opposite end of spectrum? I plan NEVAR to get on another plane as long as I live.

Doktor Zymm

I like feeling superior to birds while drinking and snacking

King Hippo

My cats nodded sagely at that first part.

Doktor Zymm

They likely enjoy it more while they’re into the catnip, which would be equivalent I feel

Recovery Whiskey

Just send that into your airline now and see if they’ll give you points for it.

Redshirt

When this pandemic ends, I’m just going to wonder off into the wilderness, just like John Rambo at the end of First Blood Part II.

Redshirt

Very nice of Cleveland to schedule a cupcake school in 2020. They get a paycheck and the exposure.

King Hippo

I had a long, long dream that I was back in college, and the ex-gf (NOT from college, and we were both our current ages) that put me firmly off people/life was one of my roommates.

I HATE MY BRAIN.

Recovery Whiskey

Counterpoint: REM sleep cycles successfully completed.

Doktor Zymm

The problem is not the dream, it’s remembering the dream. Gotta go back to sleep right after and wipe it away.

King Hippo

I almost NEVAR remember my dreams. Also woke up, pissed, went back to sleep AND RE-ENTERED THE SAME DREAM. Some days, my brain is just really determined to max out the self-hatred.

Doktor Zymm

Damn. And after you gave your brain a nice place to live inside your skull too, what an ingrate!

King Hippo

plus all them lovely DRUGS!

litre_cola

That happens to me. Even with going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, back in the same terrible dream.