It’s very nearly the crunchiest of crunch times now. Can the Bills top off week 16 with a twisting of the knife into the Pats mid-section? I’m guessing pretty much everyone in the NFL-fans, assistants, owners, trainers, strength coaches, beer sellers, ushers, parking lot attendants, ticket-takers, dieticians, public relations types, technical staff, sideline referees, cheerleaders, general managers and a whole helluva lot of other folks are hoping to see it happen. I think.

Fallout:

-Well, league defenders don’t have Duane Haskins to intercept any more. As noted in Hippo’s column, he’s been kicked off the team so that he could spend more time with Desiree, Cinnamon, Destiny, Raven, Trinity, Roxie, Chardonnay, Coco and Capri and wonder, “Just how the hell did it all go wrong? Damn it!”

-Are you-like me-thinking that there should be more coaches charging up and down the sideline, screwing up their faces in agony, berating refs for inconsequential calls and tearing off headsets? Or maybe if just one dude could do all those things constantly? Well, according to rumors a certain Harbaugh is on a few interview lists.

-Speaking of trendy coaching names, Urban Meyer’s name has been bandied about and has been connected to the Lions, Falcons and Jags.

-Incredibly old elf Frank Gore has been shelved for next week having gained exactly 16,000 yards in his forty year career. It will be his third game missed in the last decade and one day (maybe next Friday?) he’ll be able to tell his grandkids that he played back in the day when you had to run uphill both ways.

-Get ready to be familiar with the name John Wolford-he’s half canine, half vehicle and all man. And also the guy that might be replacing Jared Goff next week. He’s not played a single down in the NFL-I guess I just figured out why these retread qb’s like McCoy and Daniels just keep sticking around.

TO THE GAME!

Bills/Pats:

-Buffalo has a bit of work to do-they’re 6-35 vs New England since [in Conan O’Brien Show voice] the year 2000.

-But one of those victories came this year as qb Allen got over the hump, kinda. In 5 games against the Pats he’s sporting an unsporty stat line of 57-113 (50.4%) with 3 TD’s and 6 INT’s. Contrast that to his numbers this year-a 68% completion rate and a 30-9 TD/INT ratio.

-Whomever Bills OC Daboll decides to give da ball (Singletary or Moss) they should have a smattering of success given that the Pats have given up career days to Akers and Ahmed in the last two weeks. In Buff’s earlier W they ran at a 5.9 ypc clip, had 3 TD’s and totaled 195 yards.

-Good luck to Cam tonight in his attempt to conjure something out of nothing.

-The Bills D didn’t start the year out very well which was a bit of a surprise but DC Leslie Fraser, who in his previous three years blitzed at a 23% rate, is now sending in the troops 36.6% of the time. In the last month they’ve given up 20+ points just once.

Have a ball. A coconut ball, preferably.