Did you all miss Wild Card Weekend Quotables? Yeah, that’s right. I de-platformed the NFL for adding two unnecessary teams to the playoffs. You know what the NFL needs to do to make the game more interesting? Rip off that salary cap, let Elon buy the Chargers, and eliminate shoulder pads. I mean, the Browns were already in the post season and this is the year the Shield decides to start handing out Golden Tickets? That’s for the birds, man.
But, like all good protests, this one has come to an end without even the threat of change — hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if they put anyone with 6-wins in the playoffs next season (plus losers bracket games!). Anyways, as always, DTZM’s oppressive word count standards have been met so I’ll be over at Parler (did they ever get back up? Don’t know/don’t care.) and you can enjoy your Division Round Quotables submissions below.
Let’s see… One logo per turnover, check.
[…] Don’t forget to add your submissions to the Quotables thread […]
“Yeah I know, we all do, Blax.”
-God
This is a blatant attempt by the NFL to curry favor with the Biden administration by instituting Sharia Law a few days early.
Completely unrelated question to Dunstan – Stateside (either the “MURRICA,FUCK YEAH!” or the Canuckian variety is fine), does filing a civil lawsuit (for let’s pick completely randomly – discrimination and unfair dismissal among a couple of others) that has outright lies and fabrications count as perjury?
Technically the filing of the complaint would generally not be perjury. Most complaints are not under oath. This will no doubt vary by jurisdiction, of course. There are some very specific types of lawsuits that would have to be under oath, but they’re the exception not the rule at least in California. And sometimes people choose to “verify” their complaint, usually if they’re seeking immediate injunctive relief, though usually it’s better to just submit an affidavit or declaration separately.
Of course, there are plenty of other potential consequences for knowingly filing a false complaint in court. Sanctions under Federal Rule of Civil Procedure 11 or similar state court rules. A civil action for malicious prosecution. Professional disciplinary action against the attorneys. Etc.
But I have to say that all of those things are pretty rare. People threaten sanctions, malicious prosecution, etc. all the time, but those threats are rarely successfully carried out. Bar associations seem to spend all their time dealing with lawyers who pilfer trust funds or completely neglect a client, rather than ones who file questionable pleadings or motions.
Oh, I should add that of course, as a lawsuit proceeds, at some point even before any trial somebody’s going to have to sign some discovery responses or submit an affidavit or testify at a deposition, and all of those things are under penalty of perjury.
But, as was pointed out many times during the Clinton impeachment, prosecutions for perjury in a civil case are incredibly rare. Once upon a time we got a federal judge to warn opposing counsel that he was considering referring the guy’s witness to the U.S. Attorney for prosecution, and even that was like a bomb going off.
I’d assumed that from the moment you file the paperwork, that basically has the weight of a sworn affidavit or outright lying on the stand. At any rate, the legal team for our company got everything sorted out quickly (in fact quickly enough, that I wasn’t even informed after the fact XD), which apparently tends to happen when you can just provide an HD video (with audio) that not only the dismissal process wasn’t violent (or racist AND homophobic) on our end, but that the “poor, poor plaintiff” threatened with physical violence (well, rape and murder) 😀
Edit: Apparently the last part is about as illegal here as it is Stateside
I mean, courts don’t take to it kindly. A few years ago I pointed out that the opposing party’s amended complaint contradicted the factual assertions in its original complaint. (This isn’t automatically a bad thing, you’re allowed to correct mistakes or update to reflect new information, but it does kind of require an explanation.) Opposing counsel tried to argue that “well, the complaint wasn’t under oath,” which… did not get a good reaction from the judge.
But generally speaking, courts hate “litigation about litigation.” They want cases off of their docket, and don’t want to spend time decided whether somebody lied in a case that’s otherwise been resolved. I kind of wish it were otherwise, because it creates some bad incentives, but there it is.
I also understand it because in most cases, somebody is convinced that the other side is committing perjury. I don’t come to that conclusion quite as often, simply because I know the power of the Constanza Rule (it’s not a lie if you believe it) — lots of people are able to convince themselves of something that isn’t true.
Plus there’s also the first rule of a happy and successful marriage that’s also applicable to the courtroom – “Don’t lie, it’ll only make things louder and more unpleasant later” 😀
Also (applicable to marriage and court), the truth is easier to remember.
Jared’s greased hands sponsored by Vick’s VapoRub
How fucking hard is it to get the whites white. Just take some fucking bleach, it’s RIGHT beside the washer and fucking put some in when you wash the uniforms. Fuck
“.. then I’ll paint you with the team colours and take pictures of you once done”
What a heauxmeaux.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The 4-H Club at Andy Reid’s high school DEFINITELY called him “Kid Cud Eat”
You know, the first time I read that, I interpreted it as him eating a “cud” like he was a cow. It works either way!
That’s what I was going for. The cow thing. Quotables is complicated.
Oh, ok, because the second time I read it, I thought “I’m an idiot, it’s supposed to be pronounced ‘Kid Could Eat'”
Shit, that’s better.
That’s the way I read it.
Future generations will parse and study Quotables like we do Shakespeare’s sonnets.
“Now, children, tonight’s assignment is to write a Tony Dungy parenting joke in iambic pentameter.”
Well, this:
So much for progress on inclusive hiring in the NFL (theundefeated.com)
is certainly depressing. Kind of messed up when Roger Goodell is supposedly one of the “good guys” on this issue.
It doesn’t help that the way they’re trying to get people to interview non-white coaches can be easily misconstrued by mouthbreathers as “diversity hires” and that (ungh, sorry) those coaches are always falked in terms of skin colour or now (thanks to Robert Salah) religion that only get (and keep) a job, because “DUH CHECKBOXES!”. Throw in a couple of high-profile flameouts without context like Hue Jackson (incompetent ownership not knowing when and how to step in) and Anthony Lynn (FUCK YOU, SPANOS, also needed more time at coordinator) and the public perception becomes that non-white coaches aren’t hired for their skill AND have more job security than Whitey McWhiteface the VII (whose family history in the sport dates to before the forward pass resulted in a witch trial yet hasn’t been more than assistant jockstrap dispenser), yet casually ignoring the Gases, Kotites, Belichik disciples (outside of Flores and Vrabel for now) of the world that get a chance after chance to get back on top
Yeah, your last bit especially is a key point. White coaches who fail get multiple chances; it’s much harder for others. The fact that anyone is considering Josh McDaniels is astonishing to me: he comes from a “coaching tree” that has produced mostly disappointing head coaches, he flamed out of his one prior head coaching gig, that shit with the Colts has to be considered some kind of character/judgment issue, and to top it all off this year has raised serious questions about whether he can put together a decent offense unless he has BOTH Brady and Belichik.
Meanwhile, Jim Caldwell had a 36-28 record with the fucking Detroit Lions (who then regressed under a Belichik disciple) and hasn’t gotten another head coaching job. I know he’s had health issues recently, but before that he interviewed for head jobs, including the Jets job that went to Gase.
McD getting another look is at least somewhat understandable*, because in theory a lot has changed since the Detroit clusterfuck and he could actually be decent to good now**. Fatty Matty on the other hand was a car crash waiting to happen, given the overall perception that the Pats won despite his defence and not because of it and with the “successess” his defences had almost always felt like Our Grumblelord and Saviour forcing in-game adjustments on the pencil. In fact, sideline shots/mic’d up segments/america’s game documentaries always seem to show that he’s trusting McD with the offence, but is repeatedly hovering around the D and special teams and doing in-game adjustments and breakdowns. In fact, the Lions should’ve noticed that at the time when it seemed like both OC and DC were about to leave, basically no one was wishin’ and hopin’ that we’ll retain Matty…
Edit: I initially thought Jim Caldwell was an exagerration, but after looking up his post Lions career elicited an audible daaaaaaaamn from me – he barely got an AHC/QB coach (aka training wheels) for Flores in Miami. Not ideal, mate, not ideal at bloody all
*although after the stunt he pulled with the Indy job, I’d be wary of signing him… and I still like the guy
**the last couple of years aren’t too indicative of his skill, because Brady was definitely on a sharp decline that limited what would work… even without the patchwork at OL and guards, while this year the limited training time, cap hell-induced further dearth at WR (coupled with our legendarily shitty drafting at that position) was … sub-ideal. Honestly, if I were a franchise in no fucks given mode (ie the Browns post HJ or the Jets … post Namath XD), I’d be inclined to give him a season or so to sink or swim, BUT with a veteran GM to ride herd on him
So the NFL coaching carousel is like the AFC Divisional Round: Browns will be allowed to participate because of an old Steeler, but will not advance.
“Hey Drew, how did you get a jumpstart on your retirement?”
“I went to Jared!”
This is good
Just moments after being born, the baby deer must get to his wobbly legs or else risk being eaten.
“Venison legs? I feel very conflicted right now….” — Andy Reid
You mean I don’t have to go start my winter job as the waving man in front of dealerships this year?
He’s smiling because he knows Pat Mahomes doesn’t have AFLAC
Indeed — Allstate ain’t health insurance!
Still better than listening to Joe Buck
I WAS TOLD TOM COUGHLIN WAS BANNED FROM THE STADIUM
“Aw, shit, now they have to play Chad Henne”
–Chad Henne’s mom
This wins.
This jacket comes with a free giant ugly birthmark you can stick on your face
The curse of Nathan Peterman persists
“Which defensive back am I making my bitch on this play. Oh, hey, gurllllllllllll.”
Mahomes taking “Trent Green Day” just a little too literally
He can’t throw the high five and catch the high five
“That’s not where the magic happens”
–Taysom Hill
“Papa John! Papa John! If the TB12 diet allowed me to eat pizza, it would be Papa Johns!”
*Suitcase of money is left in Brady’s locker*
#CancelCulture clearly doesn’t work
These back room casting couch videos lose something when its all done over Zoom.
Which one is stepsister and which one is his mom?
/asking for a friend