While taking a diversity webinar unmuted (Ed.’s Note: WHY?! ffs…), DFO was coerced into broadening its serial killer voices beyond Northern Ontario. Theodore J. Kaczynski killed three and injured 23, and is currently serving eight life sentences at the—

Ted Kaczynski: Is it necessary to list my achievements? My ideas on the destruction of the world through technological advances and other forms of, quote, civilization stand on their own. Accolades or recognition as a prophet do not bring me any joy. Besides, heh, mass death by pathogen and human delusion is all the merriment I can take without dulling this crucial message of doom and call for rejecting unnatural quotidian fare that our technological and oversocialized—you are capitalizing terms, yes?

Door Flies Open: [fiddles on laptop]. Tch, it’s on Tract. [changes dictation setting while talking] Jesus Christ this guy… Do you think I’m an amateur?

Ted Kaczynski: Mm. The most obvious MIRAGE of the Technological Society is the utter blindness to Natural boundaries inevitable to the Human Body. Instead of marveling at an Anomaly, the three-minute Mile wrought the Arrogance of Limitless Development and the Folly of scarfing dozens of Hotdogs per minute. Such reckless consumption of sandwiches—

Door Flies Open: [grits teeth] No sndwch tlk. Let’s avoid controversy, OK?

Ted Kaczynski: Did you send Gifts? I requested Mandala outlines and Charcoals.

Door Flies Open: I sent something to the commissary.

Ted Kaczynski: What?

Door Flies Open:

Ted Kaczynski: Feh. I told you no Pornography. I am dismayed. But the 17-game NFL Regular Season makes me angry. It’s Unnatural. Abhorrent.

Door Flies Open: Think the players will get injured?

Ted Kaczynski: Buh. Is indoor plumbing an affront to Humanity’s essence? How I yearn for a simpler Time when hurling feces was the height of Discourse. But no. I do Not worry about player Health because the NFLPA deemed fine and dandy giving the League the unilateral option to add an extra game to the regular season schedule. Which you should put in Italics because I was being Sarcastic. See? I can be personable.

Door Flies Open: 

 Ted Kaczynski: It is utter Folly to think that arms-length negotiations between two self-interested parties would yield mutually acceptable results when you consider that the modern Dynamics of NFL Business are geared toward keeping complacent only dues-paying veterans playing on their second, third, or over contract while colleges continue churning out concussion fodder on the cheap who have no say whatsoever at the negotiating table!

Door Flies Open: The plan is to eliminate a preseason game and add a regular season game. Roger Goodell said that such change keeps the current 20-game window, and since the stats shows that there is a higher rate of injuries in the preseason, an extra regular season game would make the game safer.

Ted Kaczynski: And that shows precisely why Logic and quote, Reason are but mesmerizing tactics used to pacify and ultimately enslave humanity by taking an intractable morass and producing an Acceptable Perspective that is only an Illusion as phony as quote, honor among thieves and ephemeral as Jet fans’ offseason optimism. How many byes are there now?

Door Flies Open: One.

Ted Kaczynski: HAHAHAHAHAHA. The Fantasy Football Industrial Complex is the new Trilateral Commission. How long until Draft Kings develops its Space Laser?

Door Flies Open: In three years, through a joint venture with Barstool. So you’re unconcerned with player health. What is your gripe then?

Ted Kaczynski: Mm. I would have to say… It’s aesthetic.

Door Flies Open: 

Ted Kaczynski: The change to 16 games in 1978 and the addition of teams until the current total of 32 distributed in two 16-team conferences, wrought an absolutely perfect schedule: 16 games in which 12 are inside the conference (half of those are divisional games), and the other four games are against the teams in a division in the other conference. Such symmetry used to bring me shivers of joy in those moments of fugue when my Natural Mind wandered idly through the sultry Valleys of abstract thought.

Door Flies Open: How about 17 being a prime number? Kinda neat.

Ted Kaczynski: Let me collect my Thoughts and search for precise Euphemisms so as to spare your feelings of self-worth which is based on how others accept you because you are an Ovesocialized twit. Very well, here goes. You’re a goddamn vulgarian.

Door Flies Open: 

Ted Kaczynski: 17 games guarantee that no team can finish the regular season at 0.500, unless they have a tie. Half of all teams will play 9 games on the road. The extra game will be against an opponent in the other conference, which lessens the impact of division games for playoff implications while maintaining the stupid seeding that awards home playoff games to the team that tops the NFC East.

Door Flies Open: I do regret that the 17 games regular season ruined the design of the best shirt in history.

Via tigerdroppings.com

Ted Kaczynski: Your shallowness is staggering.

Door Flies Open: I dunno. An extra week of games does not make me feel bad. At all.

Ted Kaczynski: And you don’t feel bad about being indifferent? You’re a monster!

Door Flies Open:

All gifs via giphy.com.