This year’s NFL draft runs from April 29-May 1. I’m assuming that it will done remotely again, but don’t care enough to look it up, so we can look forward to more shots of Jerry Jones making surprisingly good choices from a supervillain yacht. Since I’m the resident DFO draft expert, (i.e. only one willing to type this stupid thing up every year ), here’s 2021’s mock draft. Team needs were shamelessly stolen from this guy, who should not be held responsible for what I did with that information afterwards.
1. Jacksonville Jaguars
Record: 2-14
Top Needs: QB, TE, DL, S, OL
The pick: Let’s not waste any time here. The Jaguars needs a quarterback and Urban Meyer needs a kid who’s young and dumb enough to not realize who totally full of shit Urban Meyer is. Clemson QB Trevor Lawrence fills both bills, and he’s going to be the pick here.
2. New York Jets
Record: 2-14
Top Needs: QB, CB, OL, Edge, TE
The pick: The consensus here seems to be that “with the second pick in the 2021 NFL Draft” somebody will draft BYU QB Zach Wilson. It’s a bit more of an open question as to whether that somebody will be the Jets. The Jets took Sam Darnold with the 3rd pick in 2018, and while Darnold accomplished little other than eating all of the paste in the training room since, he was also saddled with maybe the worst coach in the NFL in the unbelievably creepy Adam Gase. Gase is gone in favor of the absolutely terrifying Robert Saleh, who is also the first Muslim-American head coach in NFL history, something that I’m sure won’t result in any unfortunate remarks on Jets Twitter this season. Saleh was the 49ers defensive coordinator, so it will not surprise me at all if the Jets decide to see what Darnold can do with better coaching, move this pick and drop down a few slots to take one of the top CBs, which will also have the likely added benefit of screwing over the Cowboys, who really need one. But regardless of who makes this pick, (probably the Jets; let’s face it, Darnold is Leinart 2.0), it’s going to be Zach Wilson.
3. San Francisco 49ers (from Miami, via Houston)
Record: 6-10
Top Needs: QB, CB, DL, OL, TE
The 49ers mortgaged the next couple of drafts to move from 12 to 3, and they did not do that to draft a cornerback. Nope, handsome Jimmy G is on borrowed time in San Francisco, and the 49ers are looking to draft his replacement here. The only question will be which of the top remaining Top 5 QB prospects will they take: North Dakota State’s Trey Lance, The Ohio State’s Justin Fields, or Alabama’s Mac Jones? Through a simple process of elimination, I say it’s NDSU QB Trey Lance. That process of elimination is that you’d be out of your mind to trade away the better part of two drafts to take an OSU QB, (seriously, they try to take credit for Joe Burrows in that list, that’s how bad OSU QBs have been in the NFL), and I just don’t believe that Mac Jones is a good enough QB to be taken this high. That leaves Lance going to San Franciso, which sounds like a coming-of-age movie you’d be uncomfortable watching with your grandmother in the room.
4. Atlanta Falcons
Record: 4-12
Top Needs: EDGE, CB, OL, S, QB
The pick:
Look, I refuse to do any research on what the Falcons are going to do when I can just cruise over the the fan page with the best name in sports, The Falcoholic. They, in turn, basically turned to Todd McShay. The consensus seems to be Kyle Pitts, TE, Florida. Pitts doesn’t meet any of the needs listed above, (way to go, Dan Parr), but as we saw last year, the Falcons don’t necessarily draft for need. Or well. The Top 3 QBs are going to be gone by 4, and there are questions, (at least in what I laughingly call my mind), about the remaining two, so either the Falcons stay with Matty Ice for another year and give him the best pass-catching prospect in the draft, to go with Calvin Ridley and the remains of Julio Jones, or they trade down. I figure the shiny-object appeal of Pitts is too much to resist.
5. Cincinnati Bengals
Record: 4-11-1
Top Needs: OL, EDGE, WR, TE, DT
The pick: Unless the Falcons screw them over, which is very, very possible, or unless Mike Brown sells this pick for a handful of magic beans, (also possible), the Bengals will take Oregon T Penei Sewell, the best available OL prospect, here. They seem to have their QB of the future in last years #1, Joe Burrow, and unless they like their QBs with scrambled knees, (Carson Palmer’s ears start burning), they need to do something to bolster that Polish submarine of a line they ran out their last season. They haven’t done it in free agency, so far, so it looks like the draft it is.
6. Miami Dolphins, from Eagles
Record: 10-6
Top Needs: WR, EDGE, OL, RB, LB
The pick: There’s some thought that the Bengals could further forsake Burrows’s long-term ability to walk and take him at #5, but Sewell seems too good for that to happen, so Joe’s former teammate and favoUrite target, LSU WR Ja’Marr Chase plummets all the way to…exactly one spot lower and goes to Miami here, to be paired with DeVanta Parker and give Tua Notevengonnetryandspellit an excellent pair of targets to miss.
7. Detroit Lions
Record:5-11
Top Needs: WR, LB, S, CB, OL
The Pick: The Lions probably made their best move when they finally fired the in-way-over-his-unshaved head Matt Patricia. Of course, they followed that up by hiring Dan Campbell, who apparently has a thing for biting off kneecaps. Holy shit, that is just completely unhinged. The Lions also traded away Matt Stafford, a competent QB saddled with (at best) semi-competent coaching and front-officing, for Jared Goff, a less-competent, (but younger!) QB bolstered by competent (at times) coaching and front-officing. So yeah, Flint will see clean water before the Lions see the post-season. They’d love to draft Chase here, which is likely why Miami traded with Philadelphia to get in front of them. if they’re hell-bent on getting a WR, I will hazard a guess that they will take Alabama WR Jaylen Waddle here. Waddle’s teammate, Devonta Smith, is probably a better choice given Goff’s less than dynamic ability to throw a deep ball, and Parker being an excellent route-runner rather than a burner like Waddle. Two things argue against that, however, the first being that Parker weighs 175 lbs. and is likely to get murdered in the NFL, and the Lions have done the right thing when drafting a WR exactly once, and that guy retired early.
8. Carolina Panthers
Record: 5-11
Top Needs: QB, OL, CB, WR, S
The pick: If the draft has played out the way I have it so far, (which it will almost assuredly not), the Panthers will find themselves sitting here looking at both Ohio State QB Justin Fields and Mac Jones being available. Fields has been falling lately, and Dan Orlovsky found himself in trouble recently for saying that Fields was falling because “people were saying” that Fields lacked the necessary work ethic to make it as an NFL star. Of course, those people are probably teams like the Panthers, who are hoping Fields will fall to them at 8 instead of going in the top 4 or 5. And guess what? For purposes of this mock draft, it worked!
9. Denver Broncos
Record: 5-11
Top Needs: QB, OL, LB, DL, RB
The pick: They’re gonna take Alabama QB Mac Jones and Hippo is gonna throw a bottle of pills right through his TV. Book it.
10. Dallas Cowboys
Record: 6-10
Top Needs: CB, OL, S, DL, LB
The pick: The Cowboys have an apparently healthy, and now grossly-overpaid, (and good for him), Dak Prescott back, which addresses the main reason their 2020 season fell apart. The other reasons is that their offensive line is old and creaky, and their defense couldn’t stop anyone last year. Like, at all. A lot of people like Patrick Surtain II here, but lately Jerry Jones has been making some surprisingly sound decisions, and I’m going to go with my favorite nerds over at Walterfootball and say that South Carolina CB Jaycee Horn is the better prospect, and that Dallas takes him here.
11. New York Football Giants
Record: 6-10
Top Needs: EDGE, OL, WR, RB, DT
The pick: OK, listen Gettleman. For the last two years you’ve been laughed at and insulted, probably deservedly, for spending high picks on a QB and OL, both of whom you could have gotten at a much lower position, and their results, while not horrid, haven’t exactly proved that you were right. Don’t screw this up again: If Micah Parsons, LB, Pedo State, is available here, you take him. Parsons sat out last year, (S-M-R-T, smart, is what that is), and has some “character concerns” related to, as near as I can tell, beating up another Penn State student, (kinda bad, but the kid did go to Penn State, so he probably had it coming), but the Giants achieved their greatest success with noted character-enthusiast Lawrence Taylor playing linebacker, so I don’t think this sort of thing is going to give the Giants pause. And while I’m the first to criticize NFL teams’ willingness to overlook everything short of cannibalism if it’ll win them one more game, I’m not sure one fight when you were 17 is that big a deal. I mean, it’s not like the guy has 37 massage therapists or anything.
12. Philadelphia Eagles, from Miami via San Francisco
Record: 4-11-1
Top Needs: WR, CB, OL, LB, DL
The pick: I don’t understand the Eagles trading down and out of a reasonable chance at either of the top 2 WRs, but they’re apparently such a mess that they felt the extra picks were worth it. Smith is still available, and the Eagles still need a WR, and their fan base will probably go (more) insane if they don’t take him, but Smith is also still 175, and I’m just not sure you spend a #12 pick on a guy who’s primarily a route-runner, (albeit an excellent one), and therefore likely to get snapped in half by someone like Micah Parsons. I think that the Eagles figure that they can go 7-9 and win the NFC East, (they’re not wrong), with Hurts at QB, then use all the draft picks they have next year from the trades this year to do something about their awful offense. This year they take Alabama CB Patrick Surtain II and move on.
13. San Diego Chargers
Record: 7-9
Top Needs: OL, CB, TE, S, DL
The pick: The Chargers real need is apparently a good trusts and estate attorney, but barring that they seem to have struck gold with Justin Herbert last year, and they need to protect him at all costs. Please see Burrows, Joe, for the argument as to why. Northwestern OL Rashawn Slater makes sense here. See to it, Spanoi, or hear the sounds of femur drums in the distance.
14. Minnesota Vikings
Record: 7-9
Top needs: OL, EDGE, S, LB, QB
The pick: There’s a lot of talk about the Vikings going defense here, specifically an edge rusher, but a (very) little research shows that they signed a CB and DT in free agency, and have Daniell Hunter and Michael Pierce coming back from injury to bolster the line. The names that I keep seeing associated with Minnesota and the edge position all seem big on potential and “room for growth”, which doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you should focus on at 14 when your most pressing need is the offensive line, and USC OL Alijah Vera-Tucker is sitting right there. Not anymore he isn’t. Yoink!
15. New England Patriots
Record: 7-9
Top needs: QB, WR, CB, LB, DL
The pick: I am delighted to highlight that Patriots here in their rightful place, right in the middle of the pack, but let’s not get used to it. They spent a fortune this offseason, bolstering their defense and adding two good tight-ends, neither of whom has allegedly shot multiple people. They still have a huge hole (grumble mumble your mother’s a huge hole mumble grumble) at QB and, unless they can move way up in this draft, they aren’t going to fill that here. What suspect will happen is that Grumblelord will send a 2nd and a 4th to San Francisco to bring Jimmy G back to the welcoming arms of the Patriots fanbase, and then he’ll draft Alabama WR Devonta Smith as the heir apparent to Julian Edelman. Jimmy and Devonta will then team up to bring New England 4 Super Bowl titles in the next four years, because existence is pain.
(most people seem to think New England will somehow get Mac Jones, but I like this draft result better because it involves Hippo destroying furniture)
16. Arizona Cardinals
Record: 8-8
Top needs: CB, WR, OL, S, RB
The pick: I’m going to give the Cardinals something that I probably shouldn’t, and that is being smart enough to do the right thing and draft Va. Tech CB Caleb Farley here. The top 3 WRs are gone by now, they signed JJ Watt and Malcolm Butler, (thereby winning the 2017 Super Bowl), and they lost Patrick Peterson to the Vikings. Butler is no one’s idea of a long-term solution at corner. Farley, on the other hand, is considered as perhaps the top CB in this year’s draft, but he sat out this year and just had a second, albeit minor, surgery on his back which resulted in his missing his Pro Day. He and his camp claims it’s minor, (because what else are they going to say?), but it involves a herniated disc and two surgeries, so some questions seem justified. That said, the Cardinals are the same franchise that took Josh Rosen with a first round pick, so at least this admittedly risky pick has a legitimate upside.
17. Las Vegas Raiders
Record: 8-8
Top needs: OL, S, LB, DT, CB
The pick: Jon Gruden gets paid $10 million a year to go .500. Just wanted to point that out.
The Raiders traded away 3/5 of their offensive line, (or the entire line, if they were based in South Carolina), this off-season, so I would think they’d be looking to address that right off the bat. The top three OL prospects are long gone by this time, but here we find Va Tech OL Christian Darrisaw ready to step up. There’s a lot of talk about the Raiders addressing their truly terrible defense here as well, but I just can’t see getting ready of 3/5 (1 Georgia voter) of your offensive line and not intending to fill that gap either cheaply through the draft or unconstitutionally through legislation that is clearly targeted at minority voters.
18. Miami Dolphins
Record: 10-6
Top needs: WR, EDGE, OL, RB, LB
The pick: Assuming Miami followed my impeccable wisdom and took (scrolls up) Ja’Marr Chase with the 6th pick, they’ll be looking to address their defense here. A lot of people are talking about Michigan DE Kwity Paye here, and I like it as well. In addition to it making sense, Paye has an inspiring story as the son of an immigrant mother who fled war-torn Liberia in search of a better life for her children, something that half the population will probably boycott the Dolphins for after they draft Paye. In addition, Paye first committed to Boston College before throwing them over to go to Michigan, and I am a fan of anyone who rejects Boston College.
ESPN just did a story on Paye, and goddamn, I want this kid to make it big.
19. Washington Watchmacallits
Record: 7-9
Top needs: OL, LB, TE, DB, QB
The pick: This seems like a good pick to get moved, as Washington’s main need, OL, seems to have exhausted the top prospects by now, and the remaining ones all seem to have question marks a little too significant for this high of a pick. Some folks are delusional enough to think about Kyle Pitts going here, and these are the kind of people I would very much like to call me about purchasing the Brooklyn Bridge from my family trust. For the sake of filling the space, however, let’s say Washington makes a bit of a reach and takes Oklahoma State OT Tevan Jenkins. Jenkins, in fact seems to be picking up a lot of positive press lately, and I may move him up a bit in Version 2.0.
Truly something for you to look forward to.
20. Chicago Bears
Record: 8-8
Top needs: QB, OL, WR, DB, EDGE
The pick: It’s the Bears, so whatever they do it’s going to be wrong. Here’s a selection of proposed trades that would result in the Bears moving up far enough to draft Fields or Lance, neither of which is going to happen, or swap spots with the Jets and wind up with Darnold, which I can see happening because it makes a little bit of sense and because it’s so fucking dumb that it’s absolutely something the Bears would so. If Fields slides past 8, or Jones past Denver, I could see the Bears start sniffing around for a more realistic trade up, but the idea that they’re getting into the Top 5 is about a realistic as Ryan Pace being named GM of the year. It does seem like this pick will get moved, but I’m not doing trade so for the sake of the argument I’ll have the Bears address the offensive line here and take Alabama OL Alex Leatherwood (NFL All-Name team right out of the gate), but maybe at 23 instead of 20.
21. Indianapolis Colts
Record: 11-5
Top needs: OL, EDGE, TE, CB, DL
The pick: So many OL guys are off the board already that I don’t see the Colts taking one here. There haven’t been many edge rushers here, and Todd McShay, who gets paid a great deal more than I do to write these things, says that edge is the biggest need for the Colts. Let’s assume* Todd’s right, in which case the Colts will take Pedo State Edge Jayson Oweh.
*This where I point out that I went 8-32 in last year’s draft, (arguably 10, if you give me credit for saying that New England would dump their pick and saying it would be hilarious if Green Bay took Jordan Love), and Todd, well, didn’t.
22. Tennessee Titans
Record: 11-5
Top needs: OL, WR, CB, TE, S
The pick: Holy shit, does the entire league need offensive line help? What is going on here? Regardless, there seems to be a consensus that, while the Titans need O-line help more than anything else, there’s isn’t going to be anyone around at 22 worth picking. That having been determined, they’ll likely turn to their second-biggest need, WR, and look to fill that out. There are 4-5 names floating around for this pick, and the one I saw the most, (twice), was Minnesota WR Rashod Bateman. Based on that kind of analysis, I’ll make him the pick here.
I am not going 8-32 this year.
23. New York Jets, from Seattle
Record: 2-14
Top needs: QB, CB, OL, Edge, TE
The pick: It’s possible that this is the Bears picking here, although if I’m right, or more accurately if Parr is right, about the teams between the Bears and Jets also needing O-line help, then the Bears probably stayed put to make sure they got the lineman they need. You didn’t hire Robert Saleh to coach an offensive firewagon, so if the Jets stay here, and if Miami Edge Gregory Rosseau has fallen as some suspect, that fall ends here.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers
Record: 12-4
Top needs: OL, RB, EDGE, CB, LB
The pick: Another team that needs OL help, (although why QB isn’t listed here is beyond me; Big Ben took a couple of big steps back on the field last year), and another team that’s drafting too late in the first round to address that here. In fact, the more I see all these teams that need O-line help in the middle and back end of the first round, the more I think that there are going to be a crazy amount of trades as teams try to get ahead of all the other teams that need the same position. The Steelers could definitely go RB here, (mid-20’s is about as early as I’d go on that position in today’s NFL), but I like this lunatic’s idea of pairing Miami (presumably other) Edge Jaelan Phillips with TJ Watt, and giving The U back-to-back first rounders.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars, from Los Angeles Rams
Record: 2-14
Top needs: QB, TE, DL, S, OL
The pick: The Jaguars got their QB in future Head & Shoulders pitchman Trevor Lawrence, and there’s a huge drop-off between Kyle Pitts, (who is long gone by this position), so I suspect that the Jags will look to the defensive line here. Alabama DT Christian Barmore fits that bill nicely. The Jags are off to a fine start on Urban Meyer’s first season, making it all the more surprising when they don’t play that well and he resigns, citing health reasons, in his third season.
/dismissive wanking motion goes here
26. Cleveland Browns
Record: 11-5
Top needs: EDGE, CB, LB, DT, OL
The pick: Who cares? The Factory of Sadness went 11-5 last year, knocked the hated Steelers out of the play-offs, and they’re picking 26th instead of 6th or better, as usual. Put your feet up on the desk, Browns, and tell Goodell to pick someone for you and you’ll figure it out. This is as good as it’s likely to get for you.
The Browns addressed some of their secondary needs through free agency, and most of the top edge rushers are gone at this point. The Browns move to their third area of need and take Notre Dame LB Jeremiah Owusu-Koramoah.
27. Baltimore Ravens
Record: 11-5
Top needs: EDGE, OL, DL, S, WR
The pick: The Ravens are a hard team to figure. They’re always good, they’re always in the play-offs, and they never quite break through. And I’m not sure that’s ever going to change when their offense seems to be, “give the ball to Lamar and let him figure it out.” Jackson’s great, and a lot of fun to watch, but I’m not sure anything’s going to change in Baltimore unless he has some more options. For all the talk about losing a couple of linebackers in free agency, the Ravens at least look to have addressed some of that with their own signings, and I’m not sure signing Sammy Watkins for one-year was the answer. If I were the Ravens I’d take a stab at getting Jackson some relief and draft Ole Miss WR Elijah Moore. I suspect, however, that they’ll go defense despite my sage advise, and will likely change this in V2.0. But this is what they should do.
28. New Orleans Saints
Record: 12-4
Top needs: CB, WR, DL, LB, TE
The pick: If their top need is really CB, then the Saints will leap over their table, (or click frantically on their mouse, whatever), to take Northwestern CB Greg Newsome, who probably should have been gone already if not for the truly amazing clusterfuck of teams needing OL and/or Edge help. Personally, being familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda, Jameis Winston, and Taysom Hill, I can say with some confidence that none of them is the answer at QB, and that the Saints should give strong consideration to moving that need up on their list of priorities. It would not surprise me if the Saints were to draft Floirda QB Kyle Trask here, and it would surprise me even left if they tried to trade down just a bit to get him a little later, and maybe pick up a late-round pick. I just don’t have the courage to do that quite yet.
29. Green Bay Packers
Record: 13-3
Top needs: CB, DL, OL, LB, WR
The pick: I hope you like cornerbacks, because the back end (waits patiently for the Aaron Rodgers jokes to die down) of the first round is going to be full of them. The Packers have cornerback as their top need, and here’s fast rising Georgia CB Eric Stokes to fill that need.
30. Buffalo Bills
Record: 13-3
Top needs: EDGE, CB, TE, RB, OL
The pick: It’s happy days in Buffalo, or as happy as things can be in a failing industrial city whose current main export i “gray”. The offense is clicking and truly fun to watch. Their defense was very good last year. They’re in a position to have some fun with this pick and take Najee Harris, RB, Alabama, giving Josh Allen someone to hand the ball to when he gets bored throwing it to Stefon Diggs.
31. Kansas City Chiefs
Record: 14-2
Top needs: OL, EDGE, CB, WR, TE
The pick: We should probably add “designated driver” to list of needs for Kansas City, but I don’t think you can just draft them. You have to rely on a general awareness of your own well-being and the well-being of those around you, and it’s pretty clear that the Chiefs don’t give a shit about that. Turning to what they do care about, winning at all costs no matter what sociopath you have to hire to do it, they have needs on the line, (like everyone), and off the edge, (like everyone), and at CB. The Chiefs people seem to think they’re going O-line no matter what here, so I’ll pluck Liam Eichenberg OT, Notre Dame from the list of names, but truth be told, the Chiefs can go to hell.
32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Record: 11-5
Top needs: EDGE, OL, RB, WR, QB
The pick: Oh god, who cares? I guess they need DL help, and I’ve kept Washington DL Levi Onwuzurike off the board until now because didn’t want to spell his name. It doesn’t matter though, because no matter what happens Brady is going to weave his dark arts and get to the Super Bowl again.
[…] Check out some actual draft coverage in Horatio’s First Mock Draft here […]
I’m not really sure why Aaron Rodgers is hosting Jeopardy! but:
(1) he’s a better choice than Dr. Oz; and
(2) it gave us this moment:
https://twitter.com/i/status/1379189000716574729
With Unfrozen Caveman QB headed to Carolina to gift NFC South nickelbacks with interceptions galore . . . . and with Matty Stafford headed to LA to get sacked in sun . . . and with the less than fully mature Haskins being the option when Ben inevitably breaks again . . . and, finally, given that the Steelers have all the infrastructure in place to deal with a QB accused/guilty of the sexual assaulting in various degrees . . . then why not trade for noted backrub enthusiast Deshaun? Only question is whether Texans wait for Ben’s bones to shatter mid-season to extract max trade value or they ship him now to get farther away from those goldurned Texas process servers (you know, before we get to a roster cap’s worth of allegedly wronged massage therapists).
/not proud of myself
This may very well happen.
Do you think the Ryan Brothers are feeling a little threatened now that there’s a new Coach Horny in town?
<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>Please welcome Coach Horny to FIU as our new special teams coordinator! <a href=”https://twitter.com/hashtag/PawsUp?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>#PawsUp</a> https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/13.0.1/svg/1f43e.svg I <a href=”https://twitter.com/hashtag/PantherPride?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>#PantherPride</a> <a href=”https://t.co/Biuv5fwgCY”>pic.twitter.com/Biuv5fwgCY</a></p>— FIU Football (@FIUFootball) <a href=”https://twitter.com/FIUFootball/status/1379114812794417153?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>April 5, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>
“You can’t coach horny, it’s just innate.” — Wilt Chamberlain
“You can fuck right off, Wilton!”
-Nate Thurmond, triggered
Too bad Mistuh Richardson had to leave The Plantation, otherwise could have made some great (ok, terrible) Jerry’s Kids jokes.
Re: The Giants going lb with Parsons
Since they grabbed LT, the Giants have drafted that position in the first round exactly once since and that was 3 years later in ’84. I guess it has to end at some point but I’ll be astounded if they go in that direction. For one thing, Parsons is athletic and the team loves run-stuffing plodders because the entire organization’s mindset is stuck in the-you guessed it-’80’s.
Oh, he’ll probably reach for Leatherwood or Jenkins 9-10 picks too early and then sit back and pat himself on the back. But if Parsons is there he should take him.
One fun thing about being vaccinated is that I can blame the 5G nanobots for every bad decision that I make. For example, when deciding what to have for lunch today a little voice in my head said “Why not make it Burger King? Those coupons won’t last forever, and you can have a nice healthy supper of chicken fried rice with spinach to make up for it.”
Being controlled by corporate interests might be the fodder of a dystopian nightmare, but at least it’s tasty!
Jets have just traded Darnold to the Panthers, so I’ll be revising the Panthers pick for sure.
Shut this site down. It is officially a hazard to people with heart conditions. Goodbye.
They’re just trying to make “Backend Fetch Failure” a thing.
I don’t remember exactly what felching is, but I am probably for it.
Have your wife set you up on Slack. It’s better for your health.
Let’s be honest: The Jets have needs in ownership, upper management, lower management, concessions, coaching, players, grounds crew, ushers, janitorial, etc.,.
I keep reading how the Niners like Mac Jones at #3.
And Orlovsky shoulda just gone Full Campanis and said Fields “doesn’t have the necessities”
The tackle out of Oregon is Penis Youwill and that’s final.
Me when I first moved to L.A.: “Holy shit, it’s an earthquake!”
Me waking up in the middle of last night: “Hmm, guess that was an earthquake. Ok, back to sleep.”
Unless it shakes for a minute or more, I ain’t interested.
-Ed Gein
EDGE:
MIAMI EDGE:
Can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m hoping the Jets trade down and get a stud DB. Give Darnold a shot with (what I think is going to be) a MUCH better HC. Let Saleh build a ferocious defense to lessen his burden, and if, in a couple more years, he can’t turn it around, cut bait. That way if we DO need a new QB, he can be a game-manager with shut down D for his first couple of years. Hell, Buffalo is going to rule this division for the foreseeable future. Grow something good in the meantime.
Who am I kidding? It’s the Jets. They’ll fuck everything up. And I’m a Jets fan, so this comment probably won’t even post.
I am convinced the Steelers are going to end up with Darnold. All of the dumbshittery, without the rapiness. And sad to say, I think it’s a better plan than Rudolph the Racist Reindeer. So I don’t expect them to disappoint me with a first round pick, there’s the bright side!
Schefter just reported a trade to the Panthers for Darnold. Since he’s just a mouth piece for the NFL, it’s a done deal.
I just heard that.
How many levels of hell do I bypass by wishing for Urban’s on-field death due to horrendous Jaguras play?
Also, I’d be willing to take a stab at the Jaguras pre-season
eulogyprimer if no one else wants to do it.“We don’t tell people when we’re going to take a stab at things around here.”
-R. Lewis
Unless you’re in the barber’s chair when I get there.
-Michael I.
“But how else do you call dibs on the pot roast?”
-A. Reid
THIS WEBSITE, I CALL IT ANDY REID, BECAUSE IT KEEPS SAYING TIMEOUT
“The Falcoholic”? I had wondered where Footsteps Falco had ended up.
I will absolutely find and kill you if we draft Mac Jones. Even in the 2nd round.
/is beaten into a pulp by a laughing Horatio
I’m glad they’re not holding the draft in Los Angeles this year. Just look at this wild weather we’ll be having over the next week:
Oh come the fuck on, WordPress. You can’t handle a simple 20k png file?
Let’s try this.
Yes. Much better.
Fast, cheap, visually appealing, don’t bother picking any if you’re a dreamhost customer.
If you’re Horatio-size, sure.
if you click on the image, it comes up clear, just not in WP.
We’re going from a high of 66 today to a high of 60 on Sunday in Big Bear. That’s the kind of extreme weather shift that gets people killed. I am going to Von’s to stock up on toilet paper.