DFO Insider: Reboot

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you came here looking for the Ultimate Roger Goodell Mixtape, stay tuned – we’ll be publishing it next week to coincide with the draft.  In the meantime…let’s check in with our two favorite sleazy Hollywood producers…

INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY

A sleazy Hollywood producer sits at his desk, looking frustrated.  He is alternately glaring at his laptop computer and his cellphone.  Another sleazy Hollywood producer strolls into the room.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [takes off sunglasses] What on earth are you doing cooped up in here?  It’s such a lovely day outside!

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: [still glaring at his computer] I’m on the phone with Dreamhost support, trying to get our server issues sorted out.

RTD: [not listening] Cool, cool…wait. [gets excited] Did you say something about a server?  Did Vespertine finally get their waitstaff vaccinated?

DTZM: What? No, I’m talking about our computer server.

RTD: Oh.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY sits down on the sofa, and then lays all the way back. 

DTZM: And if you want to be able to sit down in restaurants, you should get yourself vaccinated before you complain about anyone else.

RTD: [begins idly tossing his phone to himself] It’s been less than twelve months since I took that dose of hydrochloroquine; I don’t think I’m supposed to get vaccinated again this year.

DTZM: I…you know what, never mind.

DREAMHOST SUPPORT: [via speakerphone] Thanks for holding.  Now you said you’ve tried turning it on and off again, right?

DTZM: [exasperated] I already told you, the server is not in my office.  It is located in your facility.

DREAMHOST SUPPORT: [via speakerphone] Right, right, of course, so sorry about that.

DTZM: Now if you don’t mind giving me administrator privileges for the server, I’d be happy to do that myself remotely…

DREAMHOST SUPPORT: [via speakerphone] Hmm, I’ll have to check with my supervisor on that, let me put you on hold again.

DTZM: No, I was being sarcastic, don’t…[is put on hold]…DAMNIT NOT AGAIN! These jerks at Dreamhost are more useless than the brakes on Britt Reid’s car.

RTD: Speaking of dreams, I wanted to tell you about one I had last night.

DTZM: [begins tapping his keyboard] Kinda busy right now…

RTD: …and I’m not entirely sure it was a dream, I mean I might have been awake and just thinking about stuff, you know?

DTZM: Sure, sure.

RTD: So anyways, there’s this planet.  Like, Earth, but Super-Earth.

DTZM: You mean, like a planet that has super powers?  Didn’t Marvel do that with Galactus?

RTD: Galactus wasn’t a planet, Galactus was an entity that ate planets.  But no, I mean a Super-Earth, as in a planet that’s a bit more massive than earth.  Higher gravity, thicker atmosphere, that sort of stuff.  Not dramatically different, though.

DTZM: Okay…

RTD: Now imagine humanity has discovered this planet, this Super-Earth, and it’s, like, fifty light years away.  It looks pretty sweet, it’s got a breathable atmosphere and a carbon-based ecosystem.

DTZM: Intelligent life?

RTD: Not even remotely.  It’s got oceans but basically nothing in terms of land-based animal life.  Basically like Earth during the Carboniferous period.

DTZM: [frowns] That’s when everything was covered with trees, right?

RTD: That’s right! But it’s a big planet so it’s got plenty of other terrain, too.  So Earth sends out a ship with a few humans in order to colonize this planet.  Cold sleep on the way there.  But of course when the humans arrive and are defrosted – and this is key – all they have is that ship.  That’s it.  They don’t have any raw materials at all.  They’ve got all kinds of information about everything, and some seeds and a few tools and stuff, but that’s all.

DTZM: This is the future, don’t they have, like, lasers and stuff?

RTD: Not really, no.  Anything they want, they pretty much have to make from scratch.  If they want, say, to build a house, they’re gonna need to cut down a bunch of trees and cut it into lumber.  But to cut it into lumber they’re gonna need a sawmill.  So they’re gonna have to forge a bunch of saw blades and stuff.  Which means they have to go even further back and start prospecting for ore before they can even think about processing it into metal they can use to make saws, and screws and nails and pipes and stuff like that.

DTZM: That sounds like an awful lot to do.

RTD: It is, it is.  But the point we come in after a lot of that industry stuff has gotten underway.  So your accessible level of technology is somewhere along the level of Victorian England, even though the knowledge of technology and technological possibilities is much, much further along.  They just don’t have it yet.

DTZM: And so what’s the actual story?  And who is the protagonist?

RTD: It’s a sort of police procedural.  See, when you’ve got fifty people on a spaceship, you don’t really need a police force.  But give yourself a village of five hundred folks, you’re going to have to start thinking about it.  Get up to five thousand, and it’s pretty much a necessity.  So the protagonists of the show – I’m thinking a Mulder and Scully type pair – are this society’s first example of detectives.  And they investigate the kinds of crimes that would show up in this sort of society.  Murder, theft, sabotage, that sort of stuff.

DTZM: Do they have computers?

RTD: Not personal ones, no.  They have a centralized information repository they can go to – the computer from the original colonization ship, and they’ve got books – the printing press is pretty well established by then – so they’re aware of modern crime-solving techniques, but there’s a lot of stuff they simply can’t do because the technology base isn’t there to support it.

DTZM: Nothing like DNA testing?

RTD: Nothing like that, no.  Maybe some rudimentary chemistry, like blood type, but that’s about it.

DTZM: Maybe introduce new technologies as they go?

RTD: Yeah!  And it covers the development of crime-solving techniques, plus the legal issues that evolve in a developing society.

DTZM: So…Law and Order on another planet.

RTD: Better than that.  A reboot of Law and Order.  All the way back down to the true basics. Doesn’t get much grittier than that!

DTZM: Huh.  Well, set up the typewriter.  It’s not like we’ve got much else going on.

RTD: What’s going on with That’s My Raiders, anyways?

DTZM: It’s completely stalled at the moment.  We’ll probably do a “very special episode” about Mark Davis’ tweet but that will be a one-off thing.

RTD: They’re really written themselves into a corner with that whole Guardians and Galaxies thing, haven’t they?

DTZM: They sure have, buddy.  They sure have.

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