The DFO Euro 2020 (in 2021!) Preview: France!

Bon Jour, Mes Ami! It’s Horatio with your preview for the French Lesser Footy team in the 2020 Euros, to be held in 2021 because of #NuAIDs. Do I know anything about the Euros? French soccer? Soccer? France? No, no, I follow Arsenal so no, and I can find it on a map. So how did this jerk-off get this job? I said I’d do it and no one was paying any attention. It’s a lot like how I passed the bar exam. Anyway, prepare to be dazzled!

We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:

Copa América
Euro 2020
Concacaf Gold Cup
Tokyo Olympic Games
And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020!

Yes, it is 2021 but they decided to keep the name, ok?

From now until the tourney starts, we’ll be giving you previews for every country in Euro 2020, DFO-style, of course. We will also provide previews of all the Copa América countries as the Copa América starts on June 13, 2021 right after Euro 2020 starts.

Euro 2020 will be broadcast in English on ESPN in the United States and on TSN in Canada. Univisión has the Spanish language rights in the US and TVA has the French language rights in Canada. I don’t have the handy schedule imbedded because I have no idea how to do it nor interest in figuring it out.

Today’s team is:

France!

NAWT an unattractive flag!

Also please applaud my restraint in not going for the cheap white flag joke. It was not an easy decision.

Country Fun Facts

Humans have occupied France for at least 1.8 million years. For most of that time they have hated the English. Not without reason.

The name ‘France’ is derived from the Latin “Franci”, or “realm of the Franks”, which is not a promising start to a country.

Nope, not even a little bit. Nonetheless, they persisted

.

Hoo boy, that’s good persisting!

No one on the right side of American politics wants to admit this, but the French were crucial in America defeating England as quickly as they did. I mean, given the problems England was having with supply lines, its own economy, the size of the Colonies, as well as demographic realities on the ground, the American victory was probably inevitable, but it was the financial and military of assistance from France that made it

Oh, right, the Euros thing!

Team Schedule

France is in Group F with Germany, Hungary, and Portugal. At long last, a conflict between France and Germany.

Tuesday, June 15, 2021 – 3 PM – France v Germany – Munich

Saturday June 19 2021 – 9AM – Hungary v. France – Budapest

Wednesday June 23 2021 – 3 PM – Portugal v. France – Budapest

Team Preview / Top Players

France is the reigning, defending, world champion, which I guess means they’re pretty good.

Les Bleus won the Euro in 1984 and 2000. They were runner-up to Portugal in 2016.

The French are led by Antoine Griezmann, a striker with Barcelona, and N’Golo Kante, (have we mentioned France’s colonial past? No? Just as well), a mid-fielder with Chelsea. Also Kylian Mbappe, widely regarded as one of the best players in the world and almost certainly the best player in France, he somehow finds time to play lesser footy while also training for the Olympic diving team with whoever the French equivalent of Greg Louganis is. Seriously, Mbappe is an amazing player, but his diving is maddening.

Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot [Country] Girls”

Today I learned that Eva Green is French!

Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot [Country] Food”

This is Bouef Bourguignon, and I expect to to appear in Sunday Gray tout de suite. That’s French for “soon”!

Horatio, Have you ever been to this country?

Nope. One time Mrs. Cornblower wanted to take me when she came into some money, but I said no because I had law school exams.

Never, ever, go to law school.

Why you should root for this country

You like American independence
You enjoy eating heavy, rich foods
You think you have a chance with Eva Green
You enjoy soccer played at a high-level with the occasional soupcon of highly annoying diving by players that are better than that.

Why you should NOT root for this country

You are German
You realize that you have no chance with Eva Green, but are bitter about it
You are in the GOP and still think “Freedom Fries” is a thing
You enjoy soccer played at a high-level, but the occasional soupcon of highly annoying diving by players that are better than that is too much.

Pronostiquering

SkyBet has them 5 to 1 to win the whole thing, and if not the favoUrite they’re in the Top 3.

I don’t know much about international soccer, but when I see a Group with Germany, Portugal, France, and Hungary, I think “Group of Death”: someone is getting screwed here, and not in a good way. My guess is that Hungary gets curb-stomped while the other three fight amongst themselves as though long-standing territorial disputes have flared up, something two of them should be very, very familiar with. Portugal won the Euro in 2016, (remember 2016? So much fun until November), and France won the 2018 World Cup. Meanwhile die Mannschaft has been die schiesen in international tournaments of late. France is proabbly the best overall team, but Portugal doesn’t suck, and Germany is essentially playing at home in this Group.
I will hazard what is very much a guess that France takes the group with 2 wins and a draw, and Portugal squeaks by Germany for second. France will probably have an easier time out of the group stage, and I will say that they get at least to the semi-finals.

After that? The deluge, of course.