The DFO Euro 2020 (In 2021!) Preview: Belgium (pronounced bell-jum)

From what the others are saying, this year is supposed to be one badass year for summer sports. There’s soccer stuff and such, but let’s let our standard introduction for this piece be the testimonial.

We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:

Copa América
Euro 2020
Concacaf Gold Cup
Tokyo Olympic Games

But, more importantly, we also have the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest every July, 4th, because we love that shit.

And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020!

Yes, it is 2021 but they decided to keep the name, ok?

From now until the tourney starts, we’ll be giving you previews for every country in Euro 2020, DFO-style, of course. We will also provide previews of all the Copa América countries as the Copa América starts on June 13, 2021 right after Euro 2020 starts.

Euro 2020 will be broadcast in English on ESPN in the United States and on TSN in Canada. Univisión has the Spanish language rights in the US and TVA has the French language rights in Canada. I don’t have the handy schedule imbedded because I have no idea how to do it nor interest in figuring it out.

The team we are here to promote, praise, and poke fun at for having the worst waffles is Belgium!

What is a Belgium?

Belgium is a small country. How small is it? It’s so small that it doesn’t even have it’s own language, but chooses to use German, French, and Dutch as it’s languages. Most likely, this is in hopes that the other countries around it do not choose to invade this place. Seriously. It has a king, and some very weird system of government that is actually a multitude of governments that just choose to live peacefully. Pretty sure the national defense fund is just a bunch of sticks and rocks and white flags. The most they can hope for is that someone invades Luxembourg first, so they have time to get out before they are next.

Belgium isn’t actually that small. They have 11.5 million people. That’s a lot!

The cities are something to see when you visit. There is Bruges, with the Belfry that started construction in 1248 and ended 200 years later, Brussels, the capital of Belgium and the worst sprouts ever, Antwerp – a fashion-forward, art deco, medieval town, mostly known for the diamond cutting and dealing & Ghent… another town.

What about that soccer stuff?

Well, yes, they do love their soccer. It’s the only thing that Belgium-ish peoples can agree on. The team is called the Red Devils, and they are apparently not bad. In 2018, they were ranked first and finished 3rd in the World Cup that year. Based on my research (google search while drunk at 2 a.m.), this team has a good chance of winning and should be one of the most exciting teams to watch.  They have this one middle fielder, Kevin De Bruyne (MF), who plays for Man City, and another dude named Romelu Lukaku who plays for Milan (though for how long, as they need to pay this man, but may be lacking the cash).  Both are not household names in the US, but I assume they are in foreign places, as they are some of the best Belgium has to offer.

But how will they stack up against Man U?

Fuck if I know. I don’t watch soccer enough to explain anything to you. Ask someone who from cares!

Here is their schedule for the Euro:

Belgium-Russia 6/12 Noon PST

Denmark-Belgium 6/17 9am PST

Finland-Belgium 6/21 Noon PST

Reasons to root for Belgium?

Beautiful medieval towns

Not a terrorist organization

Most major markers around the country are in four languages (American being the 4th)

And Citizen Dick is really big in Belgium.

Reasons to root against Belgium

Suspiciously German/French/Dutch/Flemish thing going on

Still has a king

Brutal slave labor in the Congo during it’s occupation by Belgium (10 million dead)

Worse than US in gender equality

In Conclusion

This team ain’t bad. They will put up a good fight. But don’t bet on them. Save your money for a lap dance or an order of fries, maybe some Eggo waffles, which are the superior waffles.