Let’s go to Hollywood, but why?

Marilyn.

I want to find Marilyn

What?

I need to meet Marilyn

Hey dude, I don’t know if you know it or not but Marilyn is dead, 

has been dead for a long time.

I know, I know, just listen to me, you may not believe this but I know where she is.

No way bro, where?

Can’t be sure of anything anymore but if I was of better brain I would most certainly start in Hollywood.

The cool thing about going insane is you can do crazy shit, here I’ll prove it again.

There is fun to be had in the cave of despair.

Gods be thanked.

 I have rediscovered my love of classic movies. 1930’s, 40’s black and white. Dark to light, change the camera angle and change the world.

What is film noir?

 Are you kidding? 

The despair, the shadows creeping into the scene from nowhere, the use of irregular camera shots, behind lattices from outside looking into the mirror. 

The evil intent in that beautiful woman’s eyes? Life changing.

So I don’t know if you know this but I live in Los Angeles, goddamn it.

Which means if I choose to I can go to Hollywood or Disneyland or Hell, all in one day I can.

 I get choice.

 I rule.

Today, I choose Hollywood. Come on, it will be fun.

Let’s get a few things sparkly clear shall we, I am a film director fan first. 

Oh Christ here he goes:

You see, I like to call it the “Titanic” effect. Did you like Titanic? Too bad, I hated it. Hold on now let me clarify. When you’re watching a movie and the story gets in the way, that’s the “Titanic” effect. The movie was well made and quite beautiful. Leo and Kate Winslet were both superb but the rest of the movie was flimsy and awkward at best.

Good direction, bad story, 

Sometimes the story gets right in the way.

Have you ever seen “East of Eden”? Elia Kazan’s directorial masterpiece?

Scary brilliant.

James Dean however?  So-So. He was no Marilyn but the camera did love him.

So today we go on a quest to get the big 8. 

My favorite 4 directors and the 4 greatest actresses of all time, remember I choose.

That face is stunning, Hey wait, where’s Marilyn?

One of the two greats that crossed over from the silent (If you’ve never seen a silent film I want you to go away until you do, loser) era to the “Talkies” of course the other one is the greatest actress to have ever graced the silver screen, the legend herself. Joan Crawford.

I know, Marilyn who?

Of course no list would be complete without

Will the world ever see another like her?

And of course.

She needs no introduction and I wonder what she would have achieved if not taken so young.

Ladies and gentleman I give you Natalie Wood

Took a knee and shed a tear at this one, silly old softie that I am

Of course there are others, Katherine Hepburn, Bette Davis, Lana (so underrated) Turner, Meryl Streep, Shirley MacLaine and nary a mention of Judy ( hardly watchable) Garland or Susan (ick) Hayward.

Better yet did you ever see “Gone with ( at the one hour and eighteen minute mark the greatest “Pan Shot” in the history of film making occurred) the Wind?” Man Vivien (I know, I know and she was GREAT in “Street car named desire”)  Leigh sucked ass, good movie but two hours of her whining sure as hell could have been cut out.

“Hey wait a minute, you said we were going to paying our respects to the one and only Marilyn.” 

Stop it, not Manson but God Damn that video for “The Beautiful People” blew my damn mind. 

It is hard to be clean

Hold on now we need to get to the important stuff first.

So I am just going to save everybody the trouble of harassing me and say the best director that ever lived is:

I apologize, it is the worst image that I captured in case you can’t read it, it’s the great Billy Wilder.

Now before we go any further I wish to register a complaint. It seems two of the greatest directors to ever live are not featured anywhere on these sacred grounds and damn it I demand to know why. If anyone reading (Man are you pathetic) this knows why or if we can make it better I would love to know how.

Neither Stanley Kubrick nor Federico Fellini have a star.

Just let that soak in for a moment.

HERE I’LL DO IT MY DAMN SELF

Obviously the artist is drunk do not try this at home.

 If you have never seen a Fellini film I cast you out, you must now leave and you have been shamed.

So from this point on this is being done under protest. I simply can’t be expected to do a big four if one is not available.

In no particular order I give you:

Shut up you’re not doing this I am

I said in no particular order.

Yes it does say Howard Hawks and you are so right he should be at the very top of the list.

So as I wandered amongst all those stars I wondered why no Ingmar Bergman? 

I had occasion to glance about from time to time and oh the wonders I did behold. 

Hey stupid look down and when I did I saw,

Sadly some have faded over the years, this is the legendary Director John Huston.

I know, I know it was a different time.

Look I’m not judging shit, me? Pathetic little me judging something? I say “ha” to that.

D.W.Griffith made the worst movie to ever be put in front of us, a horrible atrocity for all human beings to try and endure.

That being said, the production values used in “Birth of a Nation” are still used to this day. Camera technique, light to shade? Changing focal points? All still fundamental tricks used in film making right now. Sorry.

Sometimes you just look down and you see the damndest things.

What movie changed your life the first time you saw it more than “The Exorcist?’

And who the hell is this guy?

“Yeah Right” made me sit through both “Kill Bill’s” recently. This guy can make a movie, remember don’t let the story convolute the film.

Sorry folks, most actors I find to be a dime a dozen. So here this is all you get.

The beginning of “Method Acting” some say the end of real “Face” acting

And picked as the “Best” (on some lists) actor of all time,

Look, me neither, just saying what some fools be saying.

So finally it’s Marilyn time, oh boy here we go.

Man I hope she doesn’t think I’m just another tourist .

As I scan my horizons I see that to no fault of mine, Marilyn is closed.

What?

Look at the fences covering the entrance.

I ain’t lying. Oh you’ve never been here? Sorry. 

Looking across Hollywood Boulevard at the world famous, now known as, the “TCL Chinese Theatre. ” You can clearly see fences. 

So I walk across the street and approach said fencing.

Marilyn is right up there, count 5 up than 2 left.

I have been to this theatre at least 6 times and it has never been surrounded by a fence.

Sign of the times? Got to keep the riff-raff out?

 So I lean over the fence and shoot this.

Why yes that is Lana Turner right next to Bette Davis, as a wise man once said “Do sir please suck it”

God damn it we didn’t see Marilyn at all? What the fuck was your point in doing this crap?

That’s easy. I went to Hollywood Boulevard and you didn’t. 

There must be some cool place to explore in your crummy little burg in your corner of hell.

No nothing?

Well here, enjoy this then.

John Lennon

As my journey was ending a strange fellow practically naked ran at me asking what time it was and why does Jesus hate him?

I turned and walked briskly back to my waiting vehicle and just one last time I looked down and damn my eyes for all time I saw a star and I wish I was kidding when I say it was…

Bob Segar and the Silver Bullet Band, thankfully a small dog was busy taking a crap right on it, maybe there is a God.

D.J.Taj 07/21

Mon esprit voit des enfants morts

If I offended any of the Judy Garland, Bob (YOUR NOT WELCOME HERE) Segar fans or the families of William Wyler, Stanley Kramer or Robert Bresson (all three excellent) I apologize but she was pretty unwatchable.

You want to watch a good movie? Try Mike Nichols’s “The Graduate”  the very definition of bad story (hell I’m not sure there was a story) but spectacular filmmaking, best film I’ve seen in awhile.

All four of the actress photos are from movieposters.com

All of the photos you see except one (feel free to guess) were taken by my stupid ass standing on Hollywood Boulevard like a dork. Stepping over people sleeping while urinating on themselves, sounds like fun and I am certain I will be joining them soon enough.

God bless Christmas and Hollywood.