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It begins! Holy shit we did something on time. Usually we stretch these previews into the 2nd week of the season. Anywhoo it starts today and we have;

Personally I believe the early one will be the best of the Saturday.

Are you up yet? I would bet a lot of money I am, Decilitre has seen to it that I am always up. Mrs. Cola had a night out last night and lord knows I have had more hangover days than her so it’s Dad duty for me today! Shall we begin part 2? We shall. The same [DFO] Lumineers are coming to you with their highly biased takes about nonsense.

Liverpool

King Hippo – Jesus Tapdancing Christ, how did their Shite nil – Everton 2 pants shitting at Anfield not cost these dickasses Shempions League?  I hate everything, but especially these vile motherfuckers.  Schadenfreude at their expense is the only Lesser hope that I have left.  Predicion – 4th.

Balls – Liverpool fell from grace last year after having a glorious year before.  I say they come back strong this year to contend.  Note that I said contend.  I don’t think they will win.  Predicción – 3rd.

litre_cola – I have too many friends who are Liverpool supporters so whenever they win I’m reminded that I support a small club with a lunatic Director of Football who would rather be on tv for the family’s wrasslin show. This offseason the worst rumoUr that I had heard is that Canadian star Johnathan David may be sold to them from Lille. The reason? Lille may have won the league last year but they ain’t got no money and PSG is going to murder everyone (Especially now). As a Canadian Liverpool hater this transfer would truly suck. I have 0 issue with Alfonso Davies playing for Bayern as they are one of the less evil superclubs in Europe.

VVD is back on defense so that should give them a boost however I think that Mo Salah is in the declining years of his career. He will be back to Italy in no time. They have Robertson and the man who I belive could steal my wife with a wink and a caipirinha, Alisson Becker. So Swarthy.
Prediction – 3rd

Horatio – At the risk of pissing off Hippo, I don’t mind Liverpool, primarily because when they lose I get real enjoyment out of watching Jurgen Klopp suddenly forget how to speak or understand English. He’s fooling no one and it’s such an obvious troll job, but goddamn is he committed to it. Jurgen’s “English as a second language” antics aside, he’s a very good coach and Liverpool is a strong club. I think they come back stronger and healthier than last year, but I also think it won’t be enough to over come the duo from Manchester. 3rd place, with some spectacularly petty interviews sprinkled in along the way.

Wakezilla: The Scousers, mainly through the media’s dick riding, are an unlikable bunch. During their championship run, the media was begging for the Scousers to be the GOAT. They failed spectacularly. Then last year, we saw one of the worst title defenses in history as the Bin Dippers dropped 30 points. It got so bad that people began looking forward to what excuse Klopp would use as to why the club was failing. The rain was too much for your team, Klopp? Good thing it hardly ever rains in fucking England.

Unfortunately, near the end of the season, Liverpool went on an insane run to secure a top 4 spot. With Virgil returning and assuming he’s fine, the Scousers should cause problems to the title contenders.

Prediction: Since Villa isn’t looking to sign anymore players that’ll make them a legitimately scary team, I’ll replace them with the Bin Dippers and say the Scousers get 4th and Villa gets 5th. With that said, this Scouser side is getting pretty old and no new replacements are coming. Klopp’s lack of rotating players is tacking its toll on the Bin Dippers. This is a problem because as we saw last year, they are 3 injuries from looking like Newcastle. This year or next year might be the last run of this core group before they drop off the face of the earth.

Man City

King Hippo – Don’t really love their unimaginative transfer targets.  If they end up with Big Rom instead of the half-ded Harry Fuckface Kane?  They’ll repeat.  But, I suspect they go the predictable route, and then play him too much.  Predicion – 2nd.

Balls – I do love me some Pep.  He tried to get Messi but wasn’t successful.  They won the EPL yet lost the Champions League to Chelsea and I’m pretty sure that will burn him up.  I think he’ll put all his eggs into the Champions League basket and let the EPL slide.  Of course, it won’t slide too much because that team has talent.  Predicción – 2nd

litre_cola – I think Jack Grealish transferred here (he did) and he’s a supreme knobend as we’ve alluded to before. Will Harry Kane get here? Probably, money talks. This team is a likeable group of mercenaries as opposed to  (however the Greaish thing…) , Man U, Chelsea, and Liverpool. Phil Foden looks like a NED (Non-educated delinquent) but man can that kid play. I am starting to wonder if  Kevin The Broom is on his decline and will head off to retire by playing in Serie A for awhile. He does seem to get owies a lot which leaves a big hole in the middle when he is contributing offensively like he has in the past. That being said the Liam and Noel Gallaghers are by far the deepest club in the world and are an embarrassment of riches. I would actually like to see Man City B in the Prem and see how well they would do.

I’d wager top 10. The Pep engine just keeps on going. Prediction – 1st

Horatio- They got Grealish, who does his best work from the mid-field forward and his worst in the parking lot. They’re the favorites to get Kane as well, although I personally think that Kane stays in Tottenham, because Man City already got Grealish and they already won it all last year, so wy would they break the bank and get Kane, too, who sort of does the same thing Grealish does, only better? Oh, because they’re owned by an Abu Dhabi oil consortium with more money than they know what to do with? I guess Harry Kane does make sense then. With Kane or without I think Manchester City is clearly top-2 in the Premier, and probably first, if only by a hair over Manchester United. I’ll wager a tuppence that they repeat as champions.

Wakezilla: To quote a Manchester United Chant: “The city is yours. The City is yours. 40,000 empty seats, are you fucking sure?”

Man Shitty doesn’t have any fans. Don’t believe me? Here is a look at last season’s EPL parade.

Here’s a picture from last Saturday’s game:

This is how many fans turned out for Manchester City in a Community Shield match. In fact, that’s literally every single Man Shitty fan that actually exists. It must be hard for a team that has been around since 2009 to build a fan base. That’s pretty underwhelming and pathetic considering that Man Shitty almost won the treble last year and are poised to win again. Especially since Man Shitty broke the record fee for this guy:

Jack Grealish.

But maybe the fans of this oil club just wanted to show up for the meet and greet to show their support for Drunk Jack. On Monday, Jack Grealish was introduced to Man Shitty fans today. Look at this turn out!

Fun fact: While that looks like a couple of dozen people showed up, the people not wearing City’s blue kit are the owners of the vehicles Drunk Jack hit while on his last bender.

The latest news about Jack Grealish is that he changed his hairstyle. Even that is hurting people:

 

Folks, Jack Grealish really is a piece of shit.

With the signing of Drunk Jack, Pep has now reached just under a billion spent under his time as Manager of Man Shitty. He may break this mark by the time you read this.

Update: City came close to breaking the billon spent under Pep by almost signing Messi. However, Messi said that he wanted to win the Champion’s League, which automatically disqualified Man Shitty.

You know what? Fuck this Oil rich club. Their only rival is renewable energy and human rights. Wanna know why Qatar got sanctioned a few years ago? It’s because Man City’s Emirate owners got jealous that they were awarded the World Cup. So they had a plan to sanction Qatar so that the World cup would be held in throughout the Gulf countries and not just Qatar. What an asshole.

Prediction: There is such a thing as being too stacked, which City definitely is (think about those early aughts Real Madrid teams). I think this is the year where Pep loses control and suffers from all the egos he has to juggle (we were seeing/hearing stuff near the end of last year). As a result of mismanaging egos, the environment of Man Shitty will become toxic and City will finish 3rd in the Prem. Pep won’t get fired because he’ll win the Champions League, and get another couple hundred million dollars to spend in the off season.

Manchester United

King Hippo – “Man Untied” sounds like Tobias Funke’s follow-up to “The Man Inside Me.”  I am digging this (likely accidental) typo.  But seriously, who would have thought that it would be THESE GUYS to have the patience to let someone build a new project from the ground up, mostly the correct way, and actually see it through?  They are also avoiding really stupid transfers.  Ole will make his “Disappointed Dad” face much less this season.  Predicion – 1st.

Balls – This seems like the right time for United to win again.  They’ve been building for the last few years and this year should bear the fruits of their labours.  Of course, I could be wrong, but this just feels right.  Predicción – 1st

litre_cola – How do you know if someone is a Man U fan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

As [DFO] can appreciate, the first ever club I hated was Man U. Their fans were 100 times worse than any other club back in the day when Scholes, Cole, Becks, Stam played there. I did a lot of travelling back then and the joke held weight as supporters of any other team wouldn’t say anything about their side unless asked. Whereas Man U supporters were in full kit wanker mode just telling how they would let Becks shag their missus while they went for a pack of smokes. Unlike the gentlemen above I do not see it being a Championship season. There still is something amiss in Manchester and I do not trust their chemistry, seems like there are too many dickheads and Ole can nae control the egos. Prediction – 4th

Horatio-Whatever Wakezilla says is correct, and I predict they finish 2nd.

Wakezilla: There is a lot going on behind the scenes at United that makes a fan sick to their stomach. For the sake of brevity, I’ll just keep this part focused on the pitch. The fans and the club have a complicated relationship. Figuratively speaking, it’s a marriage where the club (the husband) keeps cheating on the wife and asking for forgiveness later. Well, after the European Super League debacle, there were massive rallies to try and get the Glazers out (or seek a divorce where the husband loses everything). What happened next was United’s apology to the fans.

In short, the apology to the fans was on par with the cheating husband taking the forgiving wife to IHOP, and while saying he’s sorry and giving her gifts she has wanted for years (a RW, a CB, an AC who specializes in set pieces), he’s also getting the number of their MILFY 20 something year old Latina waitress near the women’s washroom, and ignoring what the wife really wants, monogamy (or in this case, but not limited to: a CDM and selling off a bunch of bad contracts; we’ll ignore fixing the dilapidated Old Trafford stadium, the human rights issues and debt issues in this preview).

For the first time in two years, United decided to spend money in the Summer transfer window and it was underwhelming.

FOR FUCK SAKE! IT WAS EVIDENT FOR EVERYONE WHO WATCHED THE GAMES THAT THE UNITED PLAYERS THAT PLAYED IN THE EUROS AND COPA AMERICA, PLAY SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER WHEN THEY ARE WITH  A COMPETENT DM. WHY DIDN’T THE BOARD BUY US A DM, WHICH STILL REMAINS OUR MAIN FUCKING PRIORITY, YOU CHEAP MOTHER FUCKERS?!

All week, I’ve been hearing United was in the top 3 bids for Leo Messi. Well, if we’re in the top 3 for Leo Messi, THEN WE HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY 2 OR 3 ELITE DMS, LET ALONE THE ONE THAT WE NEED TO WIN THE PREM!

Prediction: United is ONCE AGAIN STUCK WITH MCFRED, so, United is going to finish 2nd. If, and this is a big if, United somehow decide to sign a DM before the window is over, like, Wolves’ Neves, then they should have the horses to take the title, even if Rash is going to miss the first 2-3 months. But I don’t want to go on a massive rant about Rashford just going for surgery on August 10th, when he should have gotten it before last season ended, and definitely before the Euros.

Newcastle

King Hippo – What I said FOAR Burnley?  Also applies here.  A skidmark that just won’t wash out, no matter how much bleach you use.  Predicion – 16th.

Balls – I’ve mentioned this before, but I have a soft spot for Newcastle because they used to be sponsored by Newcastle Brown Ale and that was the beer of my underaged drinking days (because I was CLASSY like that!) and now the beer not only doesn’t sponsor them anymore, the brewery is not even in Newcastle anymore and there is no real reason for me to like them anymore.  But I’ll still drink the beer.  Predicción – 15th

litre_cola – I know I hate Fulham’s director of football but these Geordie supporters would be happy if Mike Ashley was ISIS’d in the town square. They’ve always hated that guy and always will. It does seem to galvanize them as a community, hell when murdery Saudi guy was going to buy the club they thought that they would be the next Man City. Alas, killin journo folk etc (allegedly) is frowned upon and the sale was blocked. It has given me joy each time the Magpies have been relegated but they belong in the Premier League, but always in the bottom so I can laugh at their fans agony. Prediction – 14th Praise be to our Saudi overlords

Horatio-If I remember my ‘Sunderland ‘Til I Die’ correctly, Newcastle is Sunderland’s archrival, although since Sunderland is now in whatever they call the rung below the rung below the Premier League, and Newcastle is in the Premier League as I type this, it hardly seems to be much of a rivalry. While Newcastle is good enough to be in the Premier I suspect it’ll be a fight to stay there. Like Balls I have fond memories of drinking Newcastle in my younger days, although my more recent experience with it is that the beer’s not as good as the team, and that’s not saying much. Should have stayed with the old brewery. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that Newcastle battles relegation all season long, but eventually finishes 17th to barely scrape by.

Wakezilla: This is what season tickets for Newcastle United looks like this year. You have to appreciate the nice touch the club has done by including a tiny, but sharp knife on the right side. That way, any Barcodes season ticket holder that is sick of watching their club spin around in their own shit of constant mediocrity over the past 25 years can finally just end it.

The Barcodes have got to be the EPL’s answer to the Miami Dolphins, right? They’ve been shit since the 90’s, where they had one player carry the team (Marino for Miami and Shearer for Newcastle) and because of commercially successful films (Ace Ventura and Bad Boys 2 for Miami, Goal 1 and 2 for Newcastle), each team’s most popular player is fictional (Finkle for Miami, Santiago Munez for Newcastle).

Callum Wilson and Allan Saint-Maximin are two very talented attackers that the Barcodes will rely on. Some would argue that having these two attackers should result in Newcastle placing higher in the Prem, which is why the manager, Steve Bruce, is on the hot seat.

Newcastle also has Miguel Almiron, whom–in my opinion– became infamous during (I think) matchday 2 of the Copa America, when America’s Fox Sports did a cringe worthy, and quite frankly racist piece, comparing Almiron to Santiago Munez.

Prediction: Just like the Dolphins, it doesn’t matter. They’ll finish middle of the pack, their manager will get fired, rinse repeat. We’ll say 13th.

Norwich

King Hippo – In the dictionary under “yo-yo club” these are pictured.  They’ll win the Championship in 2022-23, without question.  But dunno if Farke will survive this drop.  Predicion – 20th.

Balls – I know this much about Norwich:  They don’t pronounce the W.  It’s a silent W.  Almost like it doesn’t exist.  Which is what this season is going to look like for them.  Predicción – 19th

litre_cola – Fulham has not played Norwich since 2018 since they also are a yo-yo club. I care not to research them and just know their nickname is the Canaries. Since I do believe Fulham is coming back up this season. I will delve in to the owner a little bit more. She doesn’t strike me as a Marge Schott or a Georgia Frontiere Prediction – 19th see ya in 2 years fuckos

Horatio-I remember their bright yellow-and-green kits from 2019, along with a delightful story a DFOer had about an Australian lass coming out to greet him wearing only that shirt. Alas, Norwich, like memories, doesn’t last forever and they won’t last in the Premier either. 20th.

Wakezilla: At this point, Norwich should change their names from the Canaries to the Yellow Yo-yos because they get promoted and demoted every other year. Funnily enough, Tim Krul, Max Aarons, Todd Cantwell and Teemu Pukki are all ballers in the Championship. So much so, Luton Town manager Nathan Jones dubbed them the “Manchester City of the Championship” because of their dominance. Unfortunately for Norwich, they sold off one of their impact players in Buendia and never replaced him.

Prediction: The Yellow Yo-Yos are getting relegated. I have them in 18th, only because they’re getting Billy Gilmour and Pierre Lees Melou on loan. Ironically, enough, had they not sold off Buendia, Norwich would have probably stayed up. The other reason I see Norwich getting relegated is because they change their style of play in the Prem. They go from playing like Man Shitty in the Championship to clinging onto dear life in the Prem. It’s not compatible to success. See you in 2 years, Norwich.

Southampton

King Hippo – Even more so than Team White Lives Matter and the Barcodes, these rancid arseholes will cock tease us with possible relegation, then escape the final week.  Predicion – 17th.

Balls – They are nicknamed the Saints and they wear red, black, and white, so they remind me of the St. Kilda Saints, which is Litre’s favourite AFL club.  The AFL Saints constantly flirt with being good and eventually go back to their usual spot at the middle of the table.  Southampton has done that in previous seasons, but I think this is the season the luck runs out.  Predicción – 18th

litre_cola – I am not convinced this team even exists. Reality is that they are the herpes of the league. Prediction – Fucking 17th because they won’t go away.

Horatio-Every year I root for Southhampton to get relegated, because the only person I know who rooted for them was a total asshat. And every year they stay up. This year I predict that they stay up but make it interesting, finishing 16th. Feel free to prove me wrong about the staying up thing, Saints.

Wakezilla:

5) This is the superior English Saints Squad:

Prediction: This is a club that should be better than their results and could use more capital, which their owner allegedly has. However, with their current owner looking to sell the club, including taking 50 million off the price tag and selling off Ings, Southhampton might be in big shit this season. I have them finishing in 14th, but if Ward-Prowse also goes, it could be a free fall down to relegation.

Tottenham

King Hippo – Nuno was not a good hire for them.  Better than Mourinho, sure.  But is a very, very low bar.  This team sure needs some fixin, even if the club store has Mojo Nixon.  Predicion – 10th.

Balls – Tottenham has a bright and shiny new stadium which has been used for several big events.  It’s too bad they don’t have a shiny new team to go along with it.  They hired Mourinho which was a bad idea and then fired him and now they’re trying to get back to the Top Six even though they do not qualify for that name on the field.  Predicción – 8th

litre_cola – Distractions? You betcha! At time of writing Harry Kane is in Florida relaxing and will not be listed for the season kickoff. He wants out and is chasing trophies and the almighty pound as he should.

I do like Nuno and I think his style will translate well to the Tottenham squad eventually but not now.. Son is still to this day incredibly underrated but does need parts to shine. Eriksson is gone, Kane will be gone, is Dele Alli still a thing? Looking at the rest of the club it is very underwhelming and he will get very little help. It’ll take Nuno and his Portuguese agent to fill the cupboards for his style and system to full take hold. Prediction – 8th

Horatio-I understand from Twitter that Tottenham is Arsenal’s archrival. If they can’t keep Kane they’re up shit’s creek, and it doesn’t seem like Kane intends to play, despite having another 3 years left on his contract. I probably should have kept track of how I have teams ranked, but I didn’t. Is 12th place still available? Maybe! I’ll put Tottenham in 12th place, but totally renege and move then to 6th if Kane comes back.

Wakezilla: It seems like ever since the Hot Sperms tried to sneak in the European Super league, shit has gone south for them. Most of the summer was spent on people mocking Sperms’ head, Daniel Levy, for getting rejected left right and center for a new manager. Ultimately, Wovles’ Nuno became the manager, which is a pretty solid hire, all things considered.

Prediction: This team is in disarray and their owner is too cheap to spend money to fix things. I think Nuno will work his magic (and perhaps with the eventual aid of Kane), the Hot Sperms will place 7th. But the core is getting older and there doesn’t seem to be impact players coming. The Sperms might drop off significantly in the next couple of years.

Watford

King Hippo – Here comes the part on Sprockets where Hippo tries to remember which slots are still open (PHRASING).  Which is how the Moose Hornets get to be this season’s Surprise Package (PHRASING redux)!  I don’t advise betting on this half-assed prediction, though there is some decent talent here.  Predicion – 11th.

Balls – This team reminds me of the What’s a Dickfor? joke.  What’s a Watford?  To be relegated.  Predicción – 20th

litre_cola – Hippo, I did the exact same thing. Why not the Moose Hornets? A good friend of mine’s father is from Watford. When I was visiting 15 years ago his sweet mother made Pillsbury “Pigs in a blanket” and I devoUred them. We were really high and as a good gentleman I complimented her on them. Well, now I get them every time I come to BC. If he is coming to see me and get drunk in Vancouver, she sends a Tupperware with him. At his wedding she brought me warm ones at the reception. It is the cutest thing and so sweet. Also, I get Pigs in a blanket in Vancouver and Victoria whenever I visit. Go Watford! Prediction – 13th

Horatio-I don’t think I’ve put anyone in 18th place yet, so sorry Watford, you’re getting relegated in the worst way possible. 18th place.

Wakezilla: The Moose Hornets are back, and they have a lot of their key players still with the team. After a disappointing relegation in the Prem and starting off poorly in the Championship, Watford punted their manager and hired Xisco Muñoz, best known for his time at Dinamo Tbilisi in Georgia. After his 8th game managing, Watford went on an incredible run, resulting in them finishing in second in the championship, and asserting themselves as a defensive fortress.

In addition to their key players returning, Watford picked up a bunch of continental players with experience in Champions League and Europa league. They also have Josh King and Danny Rose.

Prediction: Unlike Norwich, whom changes up their playing style from attacking to counter-attacking/parking the bus in the Prem, Watford can rely on playing their strong defensive system. As a result, I like Watford to stay up, and will finish 17th (moving Burnley up to 15th).

West Ham

King Hippo – Few sides would celebrate making the Lesser NIT as heartily as Fronk’s Hammers.  But it’s hard to see how they avoid the “poison chalice” effect entirely.  Top half is still really good, given their lack of squad depth.  Predicion – 9th.

Balls – Does the Ham from the West taste better than the Ham from the East?  A certain Dallas Cowboy will certainly have an opinion on that conundrum.  I say this Ham finishes with a nice creamy glaze and a smile all over its face.  Predicción – 9th

litre_cola –  They lost their soul when they moved to the Olympic Stadium from Upton Park. I have wandered around the neighboUrhood in that area and they do not speak English as you and I know it. Geordies become incomprehensible when drunk but this lot is gibberish from the get go. Is every man up there a fish monger who talks in old timey Cockney? I believe so. They have a good side and play just like the ‘hood that they are from, tough, no nonsense, two footed tackles and ugly goals. I think that last year they overachieved but come back down to earth a little bit due to being stretched by playing in Europe. Prediction – 10th. All this being said I will cheer for the Hammers because I like Fronk and fuck the other London clubs.

Horatio-Fronk likes them, and he seems like a good guy. 7th place.

Wakezilla: Rum Ham is a team that made huge strides last year. They have owners with rich pockets, so one would think they would want to take the next step. They didn’t. I hope this alienates the core players and forces Rum Ham to go on sales spree in the Summer, resulting in Declan Rice ending up at United for a lot less than £100 million, those greedy pricks.

Wolverhampton Wanderers

King Hippo – They decided to keep their dodgy Portugeuse pipeline intact, though they will presumably split the talent pool with Spurs now.  Not exactly the best of plans, but still better than Very Disappointing Everton.  Predicion – 12th.

Balls – I really thought the Wolves would be better last year and they disappointed.  I think this year will be more of the same.  I see a slow decline until they are eventually relegated.  Predicción – 14th

litre_cola – I have them firmly in the middle of the table due to them not losing too many guys to Nuno’s move. They just loaned out their Canadian midfielder to Sheffield Wednesday and I haz disappoint as I wanted to see the kid in action. Right! They still have greasy dude Adama Traore, he’s fun to watch! Prediction – 11th

Horatio-I don’t think I’ve put anyone in 14th place yet, (review prior articles? What’s that?), so Wolverhampton get a nice boost to 8th. Is it warranted? Fuck if I know; this is all Litre’s fault.

Wakezilla: It’s hard to believe that 2-5 years ago, I was starting to view Wolves as one of United’s main rival because they would have wars with each other to secure a spot in Europe. After last year and with Nuno gone, it feels like Wolves will begin their descent into relegation. This is especially true because while the turnover rate was small after Nuno left (which may not be a good thing with the new manager and the style of lesser footy he may employ), Wolves look like they signed a bunch of players that are going to be either hit or miss. My guess is miss.

Prediction: Unless Wolves’ scouting knows something the rest of the world doesn’t, Wolves are finishing 12th and will begin their 3-5 year descent into relegation.

***BALLS TABLE***

Because he is always watching. (I am)

Here’s the table showing everyone’s predictions:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsRjQDrDnY8

Everyone has Norwich going down as is custom and here are Fronk’s predictions, with commentary, because we thought they were hilarious:

Give us your top 20 below and Balls will add it to his database.