A very DJ TAJ Saints Preview

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Or if you will, Drew has gone to heaven.

For years now you’ve bitched and whined he’s too old, you opined, he’s too slow, he can’t throw for shit! Well now smartass he’s gone, hell he may call one of this year’s Saints games on T.V. but he ain’t coming back to play, EVER!!

Drew Brees is gone? Oh Christ what have I done?

Well smart guy, now what?

So Tasty Tay Tay

For 15 years the Saints have not had a quarterback issue because quite frankly they have had one of the top five players who have ever donned the logo. What did he leave behind, Taylor Swift and the mighty one, who by the way Dave Mustaine hates..

We have Tay Tay? Can’t you just hear the crowd chanting, Tay Tay, (Don’t you just get goosebumps when you hear that?)Tay Tay, please some loathsome creature strike me dead and eat my soul.

Dear God I hope I die tonight so my corpse can be found in my shit stained undies.

What? There’s reason to hope? You take me for a fool?

All hope has vacated the world, only despair and the rotting stench of death remain.

Fuck the Packers!
What?
I felt like it.

Let’s start with the hope, we’ll get to the smell of the rotting flesh in a moment.

For 4 consecutive seasons New Orleans have shown signs of life on the defensive side of the ball. Dennis (are you sure that’s the same guy?) Allen has figured it out, well sort of. Top 10 in 2 major categories, points allowed and yardage given up and top 5 in two others including rush defense and passing (you sir are a lying fiend) yards. And crap, top 10 in crushing the air out of fools by sacking that ass.

Look, more hope looms on the horizon. Number six in the league in both rushing offense and scoring, but this is where the beaver gets bounced off the bed.

Fell all the way to number 19 passing and only number 12 overall on total offense, and that was with Drew. Why yes you’re right he has sucked for years, God bless and keep him safe forever.

When Taylor played we fared no better, actually worse in passing under his command. Now he fights for the starting job with, dear God I can’t believe I’m saying this, Betty Rubble.

What’s the worst that can happen?

15 years with Jesus Christ at the helm now we are down to Taylor Swift versus Betty Rubble? Sweet baby pumping Jesus, someone nail me to a cross.

Yes we do have one of the top 5 receivers in the league if and when he removes said head from said ass and shows up. I love me some Alvin now, and you are scared to death of him and I know because I can see the fear in your eyes, good luck chasing that guy down. Great special teams play and we don’t turn the ball over, well, not too bad last year.

What’s that nasty smell?
That’s our pending season, and thanks for asking.

It pleases me mightily to say emphatically and with a certain clarity of mind that Atlanta is going to suck! Man doesn’t that just sound good, like angels singing “Fuck the Falcons”, heavenly.

Carolina? Who did they get? Can that dude even play? I’ve seen his acting and it was horrible. I did not believe for a second that he was Tinky Winky (you’re scaring me) the purple teletubbie.

Which brings us to Tampa Bay. Hopefully each and every one of you remember the first two meetings last year, 34-23 week one and in week ten in their dojo a 38-3 romping.

Yes I remember how the season ended, Drew (God bless him) killed us with one of the worst games in his career. Once he came back from the injury you saw a dead old man looking for a place to fall.

Here let’s try a metaphor “Father time built a wall that the best thing to ever happen to the Saints organization ran face first into” Clear enough for you?

If I knew what the dirty word they are doing at quarterback I could feel a whole lot better predicting the future. This is my fifth (or is it sixth?) year writing this silliness and each time I have predicted 8-8 and I’m going to do it,,,

What?

Oh crap there’s 17 games this year, dear tiny penises that means we are going to be under 500? And there’s that constant abhorrent rumoUr floating around that Aaron Rodgers is going to play in New Orleans next year.

I’m now going to put those besmirched undergarments on my head, lie on the floor in the corner and weep.

I’ve got it, I’m going to hire myself a beautiful gun moll, maybe Barbara Stanwyck and have her go into the quarterback’s room and kidnap both Taylor and Betty giving Ian Book a chance,
How can it be worse?

That’s a big gun Babs.


My job is to titillate and confuse, how did I do?

Sometimes my stupidity flows well and sometimes you end up here.


If I offended any Falcon fans, good (get bent) or Betty Rubble fans, you are so right, R.I.P. Betty, R.I.P. and Tinky Winky? Mad respect bro.

I would just like to say I’m so sorry Drew. I love you and I will miss you forever.

Boire du sang en enfer

So this whole madness thing is not far from truth. These last 18 months have given me the fear, so in self preservation I talk to “somebody” .

Yes I bugged out.

The “somebody” taught me something (You better already do this, Doc I know you do) called diaphragmatic breathing, and the shit works!

The waiting room was full of sweaty swine smelling of the fear. The fat one over there has no mask, a chin diaper will not do. I was afraid of the vibrations.
“How can I do this lunacy”? I ask my over anxious mind. I waited outside until they forced me into the mouth of hell.

First thing they do is test my blood pressure, it was high. No shit. Have you seen the horror show that is the waiting room? I say wait, give me a moment.

I did the breathing thing, it worked. Checked my blood pressure again and she said and I quote “ You have the blood pressure of a high school kid.”

Look, I know I know, hippie bullshit!

Try it next time you are stuck in traffic and some sack of ass cuts you off, breath in, hold for a moment, purse your lips and expel gently. Picture yourself relaxing?

Feel it?

Breath in, or you can always get the shotgun and kill all the whities you see.

D J Taj 8-2021