Fellow DFOers, you know how pop culture is all about the 90s right now? Well, this Miami Dolphins team is starting to remind me of the 90s Dolphins: They’re actually good!
For the first time since the Taliban was firmly in charge of Afghanistan, this Miami Dolphins team looks like they could do some damage.
Turns out the Taliban are fans of the Dolphins too and are ready to turn back the clock to when they were a force.
Offensive line: “Life is Like a Box of Chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.”
The Dolphins improved last year at the O-line, going from last to 28th. That’s actually a decent jump when you consider that the line had 3 rookies start as regulars last year. If Jackson, Hunt and Kindley can all improve–and considering how poorly they were ranked, that wouldn’t be hard to do– the Sky’s the limit for these Notorious BIG lineman.
QB: “Just call him star 69 because this season is going to be nice and will likely not be detected.”
Just like the 90s, the Dolphins are going to rely heavily on their QB, Saint Tua, to take them to the promised land. After 2 years of straight tanking to ensure they drafted Tua, Dolphins fans finally saw Tua take the field. With last season being best described as “she ain’t pretty, she just looks that way”, Tua has a lot to prove.
Thing is, Tua is a really smart guy and made some pretty veteran savy, in-game adjustments last year. With the playbook opening up for him–and most importantly, with Miami hiring coordinators who worked with and know Tua from before– Tua will succeed and will be as appealing as Johnathan Taylor Thomas to a 12 year old girl in next year’s fantasy football draft.
(For now, Tua should be your QB2).
Running Backs: AKA: Hugh Grant being caught with Divine Brown.
Myles Gaskin and Malcolm “Dont call me Divine” Brown are the main disappointments of the Dolphins offence. Neither one of these guys are the type of back that will guarantee you a yard when you need it most. In all honesty, I wouldn’t be surprised if Coach Flores calls 1-800-COLLECT to find a hard nose back before the trade deadline closes. Gaskins is worth a late Fantasy pick as he can catch the ball out of the backfield. But don’t expect much from him.
Wide receivers: “Go Speed Racer Go!”
New addition Will Fuller, alongside Devante Parker and rookie Jaylen Waddle is a scary combination because these guys are quicker than BORTAC seizing Elian Gonzalez. These 3 are going to spread out the offence, which will make life easier for Saint Tua. From a fantasy standpoint, I’d steer clear of these guys as you never know who’s going to get fed the ball the most in any game.
Tight End: “Good Vibrations”
Mike Gesicki is a very good TE and you should draft him because not only is he poised to have a monster season with Tua using him as a safety blanket, Gesicki is in a contract year.
Defence: “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years”
YES! THEY’RE BACK! LETS GO! LETS FUCKING GO!
Nothing gets me more fired up than when the Dolphins defence is good. I cannot wait for them to make a lot of their opposition players fall and not get up.
The main advantage the defence has over the offence is that the defensive coordinator, Josh Boyer, is returning after a successful first season.
Howard and Byron will have another year of chemistry under their belt. MMM MMM. Brandon Jones is a guy who doesn’t miss tackles, and he’ll be joined by Eric Rowe, who like Sir Mix-a-lot, is a tight end specialist. The linebackers and d-line will have another year of experience under their belt.
Most importantly, this defence is nasty and has a ton of playmakers that can create a turnover faster than UWF President Herb Abrams can outrun his talent that he didn’t pay.
Kicker: AKA: As reliable as a US President bombing Iraq
Jason Sanders returns as Miami’s kicker. He was damn near perfect last season, so, you should be able to count on him for ST points.
To the schedule!
Week 1: @ P*triots:
The great news is that the P*triots are looking like their 90s selves, again; which is total shit! Cam Newton and Mac Jones both suck and the new pieces aren’t enough to do fuck all at the moment. Dolphins win!
Week 2: vs Bills
Wow, for the first time in 25 years, this rivalry is actually going to mean something! Josh Allen has a 5-1 record against Miami, but that dominance is going to change as the Dolphins are a much improved team. Like OJ Simpson, I’m going to take a stab in the dark and say the Dolphins win Week 2’s game.
Week 3: @ Vegas
Just like the 90s, this Raiders team isn’t very good; especially the o-line. This a game where the defence gets under Carr’s skin by calling him a poser, which results in the defence picking Carr off many times, sealing the win for the Dolphins
Week 4: vs the Clots
Once again, like most of the 90s, the Clots are relying on a veteran QB that is past his best due date to win (Hi, Carson Wentz!). This Clots team’s roster looks like a mess and has too many additions. The Dolphins take advantage of the Fat Humps’ lack of chemistry and win the game.
Week 5: @ Tampa
Tom Brady is all that and a bag of chips and Tampa’s defense is pretty tough. Saint Tua has a stinker of a game and Miami gets their first loss of the season.
Week 6: vs the Khannnnnnnnnnnns!
Trevor Lawrence is going to look Heroin Chic–strung-out, half awake, and super unhappy– after this match. Not only is Miami winning this game, you got to ask yourself, will they get 7 picks from the Jags’ QBs?
Week 7: vs the Falcons
Xavien Howard can shadow Calvin Ridley, and Flores shifts his defensive coverage toward Kyle Pitts. That’s all Atlanta has offensively, so no Falcons player will be doing the Dirty Bird on this day. Another easy one for Miami.
Week 8: @Buffalo
It’s going to be a cold game and the Bills will be looking for revenge after week 2’s loss. Like Jonbenét Ramsey, Tua’s accuracy goes missing and Buffalo wins an ugly one.
Week 9: vs Houston
Houston, you have a problem. Bill O’Brien is the most popular man in Miami because the Laremy Tunsil trade changed the Dolphins franchise; putting them in a position to build one of the deepest and young rosters in the NFL. For that reason alone, Miami will do the right thing and beat Houston, but not blow out the Houston 500s.
Week 10: vs Baltimore
I don’t know what it is, but it seems like every game they have against each other, Baltimore beats the Dolphins so bad, you’d think the Dolphins never rewind a VHS tape in their life. Miami losses.
Week 11: @Jests
Unless it’s Zack Morris, any team that relies on a man named Zack is fucked. Easy dubbya for Miami.
Week 12: vs Carolina
Sam Darnold might be starting for Carolina in this match. Miami LOVES playing Darnold because he has no football IQ. This will be a win that’s easier than getting stuck in a Columbia House scam.
Week 13: vs the Giants
Lets be real: For the rest of their lives, Giants fans will be thinking about all the successful plays Eli Manning did while “My heart goes on” plays in the background. Daniel Jones is a turnover machine, which will be to the advantage of the Dolphins defense. Miami wins a low scoring game.
Week 14: Bye week
WOW! For the first time in ages, Miami gets a late week bye. The NFL is actually taking the Dolphins seriously!
Week 15: vs Jests
The Dolphins get the Jets at home in December? Allllllllrighty then! That’s a win late in the season. Yeah, baby yeah!
Week 16: @New Orleans
Famous Jameis is a stupid quarterback. Miami’s defense is going to rough him up so bad, Winston’s going to learn what it feels like when he calls the Tallahasse Police and they do nothing for him.
Week 17: @Los Tits
This isn’t the last game of the season? You’re killing me, smalls! I don’t think Miami can contain Derrick Henry. Titans win.
Week 18: vs P*triots:
As if the P*ts could beat Miami on the road and this late in the season. The Dolphins defence will f*ck up Newton or Mac Jones and Yadda Yadda Yadda, the Dolphins win again.
Regular season record: 14-3, first in the AFC East.
Prediction: Miami wins the AFC East, they’ll win the first round of the playoffs, but will lose in round 2.
Ah, the joys of being a Dolphins fan. We’re now nostalgic for the 90s? A decade when we won a grand total of five playoff games, never more than one in the same year? Hell, the Patriots managed a Super Bowl appearance in the 90s.
Very High Highlights of the 90s:
-The Simpsons (a highlight for humanity, not just the 90s)
-RATM’s “The Battle of Los Angeles”
-Creepy AND Kush widely available
Really Low Lowlights:
-hitman characters in every other movie
-Worst. Band. Ever (Blessid Union of Souls)
-smoking banned indoors
Apparently he’s been doing a bunch of videos on TikTok commenting on current events. He actually has sane opinions on COVID and vaccination from what I’ve heard.
But yeah, I’m sure he’s crossing off more suspects from his list of “Golf caddies who might have been the killer”
Hankering for some 90ies nostalgia? From the author: “Cud has been out-of-print and unavailable to anyone who didn’t possess the original books. Now, you can read it once again, in it’s entirety. It helps if you’re familiar with the social and political history of the early 90s, but not mandatory.
Enjoy!”
(Each cover is a clickable link for the entire issue.)
Poor CTE Dan Marino. Given how many players on those NFL programs likely have CTE and we are now aware of it, do you think those former pros all kind of protect eachother when outbursts such as this happens?
Like they all just swarm the person acting irrationally and tell them to breath purple water bubble gum or whatever?
Theme previews can be a risky thing, especially if you’re going to expand the word count with a game by game prediction string. But this was a good one and, unlike Gaskin, you are a
![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
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