Still waiting to hear from Scotchy, but figured I should barf this up just in case (It’s at least a START, fatty! – Karen C.)
Bengals (+1.5) at Bears
What a Brave New World, Bearistocrats! have sucked and fucked their way to not even getting the “standard 3” home to Team WKRP. I’m not complaining, mind.
Texans (+13.5) at Browns
Look, #ThePauls always give the Andy Reid Chefs fits. But I’m not sure they should be this heavily favoUred over a college team, or even the Falcons.
Rams (-4) at Colts
Whaddya know, RRRRRRRRRAM IT!! goes all in to shed their emotionally/intellectually stunted QB, while the Fat Humps go out and acquire one. Ships sailing in opposite directions.
Bills (-3.5) at Dolphins
This line sure doesn’t reflect Week 1’s harsh realities, given that the LOLfins beat Belicheat on the road, whilst BUF lost at home to the putrid (at least in my headspace) Yinzers. But I ain’t betting it.
49ers (-3) at Eagles
Lots of small road favoUrites = very narrow survivor pool trees. If TB or GB lose, half your pool goes down. Perhaps MOAR?
Raiders (+5) at Steelers
Like I said, PIT ain’t no good. But neither are That’s Rikki’s Raiders – and I am especially skeptical coming off an emotional MNF win.
Saints (-3) at Panthers
This seems like a sucker line, given how Sean Payton owns the Black Panthers. Who also acquired an actual ret….Special Young Mani to play QB. I feel less bad about mocking Touch of Downs given that he’s an anti-vaxxer weirdo.
Broncos (-6) at Jaguars
Oh my cats, is I ever worried. Doing all I can to break the likely hex (coming off road win, JAX looking putrid, weird atmosphere, historical bogey side, etc.), posting the good luck pic of me cat and favoUrite shirt, actually putting my Chubb on (I shall spare ye that picture), drinking coffee from Donks mug. And I even bet $50 on Jaguras ML.
Patriots (-6) at Jets
I almost forgot this’un, which would be bad, given the number of supporters in the Clubhouse for each. Neither squadron had a positive start, but everyone expects the Jest to continue Jesting. I dunno, didn’t even consider NE for survivor.
That FG miss could allow LOLfins to commit yet another turnover!
Well go for a brisket injury into a fumble
That is the first time I have heard someone use the phrase “pulled up lame” to a person rather than a horse
They Shoot Tyrod Taylors, Don’t They?
so you dont watch SEC football
I have pulled up lame hoisting my lard off the couch.
Yesterday I pulled my right tit muscle trying to catch my phone when Gumby tossed it to me. I’m one step from the glue factory.
Washington Glue Factory
When Taylor clearly hurt himself running for the TD, I told Mrs. In TX he was injured.
The announcers calling the game legitimately couldn’t figure out why Taylor wasn’t starting the 2nd half. Incompetence, thy name is Gumbel/Archuleta.
Buffalo needs to rein in Brokeback. He’s back to rookie season brain.
This game is….not good. Like Jets bad.
To be clear, I’m watching 4th and 5th graders.
it would 100% apply to Bungles/Bearistocrats!
Not a good day to be a starting QB
Davis Mills has entered the chat.
Jeff George stares at phone intensely
The phone is nowhere in his field of view as he stares down the sofa
Just got back from spending two-plus hours on a Memo To File and associated file backup. From what Mr. Nel tells me, NYNURZ! have been…less than impressive and should be down by at least 17. Looking forward to seeing the second-half clusterfuckery.
That’s Good Husband Hustle, he tracked your side EVEN THOUGH his P*ts are also playing.
slap his ass for us. HARD!
It is, isn’t it? (And, we don’t get the P*ts game, so there’s that.)
Ukrainian cursing lesson
“Pizda rulu…”
“Something bad is happening.” Literally means ‘cunt to steering wheel’. Try driving down the freeway using your crotch, and you’ll understand.
I am deffo gonna start saying “cunt to steering wheel” now.
It will make our lives richer and more fulfilling
It is much better for my building aneurysm to NOT have fantasy score pages open during play.
Just closed all my FF windows
I did this around 1:35 EST.
I try not to look until the Sunday afternoon games
HAWT TAEK – whoever has Cooper Kupp is going to win your league. Period, end of.
Gumby has Stafford. He is quite happy so far.
Somehow Bills-Dolphins is on Fox and we get stuck with Matt Millen.
I have more jokes about the Jets but when I start to get into Rumi and Warren Jeffs territory, I’m getting too esoteric for my own good.
You have to consider your audience. Some of us haz the Dumb.
I spelled consider wrong, thus proving my thesis.
Don’t want to get into Dennis Miller territory
Nailedit
-Lambo
Hahha
Sadly, game not in Denver, or we could be all like In-com-PLETE!!
Has football always been this boring? I seem to remember liking it
Yes. It’s just got slightly more action than golf and baseball
Gamble more.
Tell me you’re not drinking without saying you’re not drinking. Or are a Bears fan.
That’s Not Deebo Samuel, Jeanine
Just one game, all they have to do is stagger just one game’s start time and then we wouldn’t all be subjected to the virtual lobotomy that is halftime studio shows/reports.
stagger ALL start times! Give one game to 4 different networks each Sunday afternoon.
Just start 1 game on Saturday at midnight and have them play one game after the other until midnight on Monday.
I would happily do ALL THE TRUCKER SPEED
When are the London games?
Bears: “We’re gonna limp into halftime with an impotent 2 minute drill.”
Bengals: “No, we’re gonna limp into halftime with an impotent 2 minute drill.”
Bears: “NO, we’re gonna limp into halftime with an impotent 2 minute drill.”
Redshirt: /racks 12 gauge
Boom boom click clack. Vroom!
hahaha Gruden
BLEERGH FEASTS IN YINZBURGH
The Soviet missile-defense system and conspiracy theorist favorite, The Russian Woodpecker!
I haven’t seen a Mac outduel a Mormon since “Dolemite vs. Joseph Smith”
Burger is 75 cents a pound. I want to go to there, I did the fugly clothes, hair, and cars before, I can do it again!
Digital Pan and Scan Alert! Digital Pan and Scan Alert!
Calling… Brick Meathook maybe? Someone at least.
Digital Pan and Scan Alert! Digital Pan and Scan Alert!
Tim PatrickDOWN WOO!!!!
/started him in DFO league
//please don’t look at rest of my lineup
It has come to my attention that I am really bad at FF.
The trick is to never play fantasy football.
But that’s like not gambling because one will only lose money!
Yes. Yes, it is.
It is not a skill-based game
Have RedZone as part of my tv thingy now, Holy shit, how much coke is the host on?
You may have noticed how Hippo always called him Coked-Up RedZone Guy
It legit is like cocaine.
I just figured it was a euphemism
Yes have some
Robert Saleh actually is a progressive type of Muslim: only white men can’t drive under his system.
I am confused by the Iggles
So are they, it seems
What in the fuck was that playcall???
the kind that makes you wonder who is shaving points
Remember when Josh Norman was not-terrible?
Zach Wilson gets intercepted in the Red Zone more than Hamas missiles.
Somehow less accurate, too.
I’ve got the 49ers game or the Raiders game to watch. This just feels like a waste of time.
Damn. That’s a tough choice. I guess you’re better off watching the Raiders, but oof either way.
Watch the Raiders game with SAP on! The announcers will make it seem much more exciting.
The Raiders have badly missed two tackles on JuJu. It’s like he’s the napkin that Andy Reid used at breakfast, by which I mean “covered in grease”.
*Smothered in butter sauce
How many placements would Gay kicker need to make before he becomes a distraction?
Is Mayfield gonna RG3 his shoulder?
We can only hope.
NYC: Halal food carts, Haram quarterback play
“that…catnip…was…some…good…SHIIIIT…”
4 more Tom Brady horcruxes to go
They’re all QBs
I miss ’em, they DIED
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf4d7VxcQ30
Quarterbacks committing seppuku left and right here.
Qb apocalypse week
I can’t remember whether I took an edible, this means I took an edible.
Thanks for reminding me.
Yea but it’s not working because you didn’t take enough. Better finish the other half of that brownie
This…tends to happen with pills, too
/but I take another just to be SAFE
I’m holding off until after I make my soup. Too much chopping, I don’t need any extra protein in there.
Another ded QB WOO!!!!
We’re losing a QB roughly every 8 game minutes
Zach Wilson takes inspiration when it comes to the special underwear he wears. Not Mormonism but Marv Albert.
Zach is still disappointed that the NC-17 Bad Lieutenant DVD he worked so hard for turned out to be Region 2 only.
Region 2 is also what I call Keitel’s scrotum
and yet the BEN keeps on keeping on
A fitting end for Red Rocket, injured while “skipping” out of bounds. GET A SOUL, motherfucker.
Mayfield hurt
Carson Wentz not good.
So much for the wrath of Dalton revenge game. Red dead redemption denied
JALEN2JALEN!
Dalton dead
Bengals just injured the Bears starting QB, ensuring that the Bears will win now
Fun fake fact: The NFL never meant to penalize taunting, an intern misheard their discussions around penalizing the formation of tontines between players and transcribed it wrong. Tontines continue to be a popular way for retired NFL players to fund their healthcare at the expense of their CTE afflicted mates.