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[Interior mid size sedan: A mother and her 13 year old son are inside]

Jesse: “Gee whiz, Ma I can’t believe you’re taking me to the Cowboys Halloween party you really are the best mom ever I tell everyone at school that I have the best mom ever and I oh gee whiz this is so great Ma thankyouthankyouthankyou!”

Ma: [laughing] “Dial it down there Big Guy. Yes, we really are going. Now don’t forget your promise to me.”

Jesse: “Heck no I won’t forget Ma I’ll clean my room do my homework clean up after the dog and wash the dishes every night I’m going to have the best grades in the whole school too you’ll see oh geez this is awesome Ma thankyouthankyouthankyou.”

Ma: “Alright alright. Relax. Now are you sure you’re ready for this? It’s supposed to be kind of spooky.”

Jesse: “Gee whiz no Ma I ain’t scared it’s supposed to be awesome Christopher at school went last week and he said it was awesome and I can’t wait this is so great Christopher said he saw DAK there can you believe it? I love Dak ‘DAKDAKDAK!’ He’s my favorite player you know and wow is this great.”

Ma: “Well, here we are.”

Ma: “Look I see the line over there.”

Ma: “What the Hell does that sign say?”

Jesse: “Oh boy oh boy let’s get in line this is awesome!”

{one hour later}

[Interior: Dark cavernous room. A quiet swishing sound fills the area.]

A soft light illuminates what appear to be vehicles of some sort.

[a booming voice fills the air] “YEE-HAW! Welcome to Jonestown!”

Ma: “Jonestown? What the fu…”

Jesse: “That was Jerry Jones’ voice Ma that’s why it’s called Jonestown I’m sure hey here comes our car let’s hop in!”

[they hop in the car as the lights dim]

Booming Voice: “Let’s make our first little ol’ stop to see everyone’s favorite running back as he visits some of his loyal fans.”

[The vehicle rounds a corner as a lighted stage comes into view. An animatronic version of Zeke Elliot and someone with their back turned appears]

Zeke: “How many cats you say you had?”

Rearview of man in shadows: “Just the one. Little Emily Butter-whistle Waffle Toaster.”

Zeke: “You didn’t have no cats.”

Shadow man: “But I do. I showed you her litterbox.”

Zeke: [brushing off cat hair] “You didn’t have a cat.”

Booming Voice: “Yee-haw! Ain’t he just a card though? Dad gummit I love ol’ Zeke.”

Ma: “What the actual fuck was that?”

Jesse: [gasps] “Geez Ma, you said the big dirty word I never heard you do that before what is it why did you say the ‘F’ word are you scared?”

Ma: “That was some fucked up shit is why I said it. What the hell did I get us in to?”

[the lights dim as the car continues on]

Booming voice: “Ain’t no visit to Cowboys Country complete lessen we pay a visit to one of our OG Cowboys Hall of Famers.”

[vehicle rounds a corner as another scenario comes into view. The lights brighten]

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Booming voice: “Well I’ll be horn-swaggled that’s our old friend number 88 Michael Irvin. Let’s see what he’s up to.”

Michael Irvin: “Hey there! Welcome. What the hell you got on your head? You can’t come into Cowboys camp looking like that. Sit down, son. Looks like you could use a haircut. Your cut is all jacked up. Lemme give you a real skypiece. Have a seat right here.”

“Now I’m a scissor man, myself? You like a scissor cut?”

{editors note: Never forget that 

Michael Irvin Stabbed a Cowboys Teammate Because He Had to Wait for a Haircut!}

Ma: “Why the hell are you a fan of this team again?”

Booming voice: “Ha HA, that old Michael Irvin was a real cut up wasn’t he? Our next stop takes us here.”

Booming voice: “Yessiree our boys used to call this place the ‘White House’. How about we take a quick peak inside.”

Ma: “Oh the fuck we are. That’s enough! Stop this damn thing.”

Jesse: “Geez Ma what’s wrong are you scared what’s going on why don’t you want to look inside the White House?”

Booming Voice: “Hee-Hee just funnin’ y’all. Our boys don’t need you peaking in on ’em while they’re ‘at play.’ And now, the time y’all been just waitin’ fer. Let’s pay a visit to ol #4 hisself.”

Jesse: “Oh geez oh man it’s gonna be DAK I just know it he’s my favorite player you know Hey DAK are you there?”

[the vehicle rounds a corner as the lights come up]

DAK!: “Mpgffghmmph”.

Jesse: “Look Ma! It’s DAK!”

Ma: “I’ll be damned. It really is DAK. You know I’ve never understood why he wears that can on his head. Let’s ask him why he wears that.”

Jesse: “Hey Dak! Why do you wear that can on your head? Are you scared of concussions? I like it but Ma wants to know why you wear it on you head can you show us why?”

[DAK! removes helmet]

DAK!: “DAK! DAK DAK DAK!!!”

[screams fill the air as the lights come up]

“Yee-Haw! Ain’t I fuckin’ Funny!?!”

[Twenty years later]

[Establishing shot outside of a creepy insane asylum]

[interior. A figure is seated in a wheelchair while wearing a straight jacket. He rocks slowly back and forth with his eyes closed]

Man in wheelchair: “Oh geez Ma what was that please make it go away don’t make me open my eyes I want to go home what was that MA I want to go home please don’t make me open my eyes I’ll be good I’ll do my homework I’ll feed the dog please Ma please Ma…”

{fin}