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Hello, friends. It’s another High Drama Tuesday in the National Football League, and yours truly has some thoughts. Yes, I am still dead, but my head’s cryogenic storage pod only gets NFL Network and the Oprah Winfrey Network, so watching Urban Meyer threaten his handpicked staff with death for incompetence and disloyalty is the closest thing to porn available. My three cents:
-I don’t understand why the Raiders fired Jon Gruden. What are e-mails made of, really? Electrons. And because of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, we can either know what the emails said or where they were sent, but not both. So who knows if Gruden really sent them?
-Mac Jones is still the most boring QB pick from last draft, running what is as close to a Trent Dilfer caretaker offense as you can get in today’s pass-happy NFL. That said, he’s a little more aggressive than I expected…
-Tyler Murphy is having a great year in Arizona, but I don’t think he’ll do well in the post-season Ten fumbles, all recovered- not sustainable…
-What the hell do you mean it’s “Kyler”? Isn’t she a Kardashian?
-I once met Demaryius Thomas. Damn shame that a bloated gasbag like me lived to 87 while a nice kid like that was gone so soon…
-“Mac the Spork” maybe…
-I can’t stand all these taunting calls. Thank God these refs weren’t running CNN when I was on, otherwise I probably would have been flagged for pissing on Jerry Seinfeld…
-How’s that Adam Gase fellow doing? I always liked him…
-Speaking of exits from New York, I think soon-to-be-fired Joe Judge has gotten a bad rap during his time with the Giants. Sure, he’s another failed Belichick wannabe-tyrant with no respect for his players. And yes, he’s managed to piss away historic weaknesses in his NFC East opponents. Wait, what was I saying?
-Speaking of other exits from New York, I first learned what “road head” meant during a traffic jam on the old Tappan Zee Bridge…
-I looked it up on Urban Dictionary from the back of the car on my assistant’s Smart Phone. Perverts….
-Did I ever tell you about Nancy Reagan though?
-Trevor Lawrence might be reconsidering his decision to enter the draft early, given the difficulties he’s having in Jacksonville. Then again, would he want to go to Detroit?
-Gary from Pocatello, hello?
-COVID continues to dominate the news cycle, with eight Cleveland players joining the three who missed last week’s game on the COVID/reserve list. Famous COVID mutual respecter Odell Beckham Junior is also down. Goes to show, you just can’t trust RNA viruses these days…
-Urban Meyer is also getting a raw deal. In my day, it was considered only polite to greet a lady by sticking your finger in her fanny…
-Did I ever tell you about the time I met the Queen Mother?
-I don’t understand this Run Pass Option. Make up your mind!
-SPORK! Get it!?!?
-It’s time for Ben Roethlis…Rotblis…it’s time for Big Ben to retire.
-Matt Nagy needs to call it a day. Or maybe he needs Andy Reid to call it for him…
-Gary? Gary, are you there?
-Have you ever really considered salami? Like, reeeeeally pondered it deeply? Weird food. Why would you put tiny watermelons in a sausage?
-Are we really going to play 17 games? Inflation is out of control…
-Gary, if you don’t start talking in the next three seconds, I’m going to fuck you up worse than any of my eight marriages…
I AM FUCKING INSANE.
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