2021 Balls’ Bowl Breview: The Second Week

So, the Bowl matchups for what King Hippo affectionately calls JV Footy came out and I was perusing them and had some thoughts. Ergo Ipso Factum Testiculum, here we are.

There are a grand total of 44 (FORTY FOUR!) bowl games this year, so I am breaking them into pieces because I am lazy and you do not want to sit through 44 game previews/thoughts all at once. This is Part Tres. Let’s get right to it:

Monday, December 27, 2021

Quick Lane Bowl in Detroit, MI

Nevada vs. Western Michigan

11:00 AM Eastern, ESPN

This game starts at 8 AM Pacific?!?! What the fuck, people? And, if I’m not mistaken, Western Michigan is pretty darn close to Detroit, right? Hippo’s already bet half the money he won from Northern Illinois on Western Michigan…

Also, Quick Lane is apparently a tire and auto center. I’m glad they went with an ironic name since there is no quick lane anywhere in the continental United States.

Military Bowl Presented by Peraton in Annapolis, MD

Boston College vs. East Carolina

2:30 PM Eastern, ESPN

Jesus, here we go again. Peraton, in case you were curious, is a defense contractor. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I really wish I was working today instead of having this shoved down my throat. I’d rather watch Big Gay Al’s Fabulous USO Show with ten thousand naked floppy dicks than this bowl game.

Tuesday, December 28, 2021

TicketSmarter Birmingham Bowl in Birmingham, AL

Houston vs. Auburn

Noon Eastern, ESPN

As long as it’s not Ticketmaster, we may be okay here. As many of you know, I am two decades into my personal boycott of all things Ticketmaster. I can claim victory in my personal boycott of Blockbuster Video (RIP). I am making great headway in my boycotts of Uber, Lyft, Doordash, and any and all delivery services that screw the restaurants they deliver food from by taking away their profit margin. They will be sorry they crossed my path very soon.

For God’s sake, people, pick up your damn food or patronize a restaurant that delivers themselves.

As for the game, it’s a decent matchup, I guess.

SERVPRO First Responder Bowl in Dallas, TX

Air Force vs. Louisville

3:15 PM Eastern, ESPN

You ready for more slurping of the cocks of the Authoritah?

Fuck that shit.

Now, let me say this. I know a lot of cops and I know a lot of firemen. They do a very difficult job and help the helpless and for that they should be commended. I’m in a fantasy football league with a few of them and we’re on very friendly terms.

Every single one of them cheats on their wives and girlfriends, does illegal shit that they know they can get away with because of their position, and have a superiority complex.

So, there’s that.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl in Memphis, TN

Mississippi State vs. Texas Tech

6:45 PM Eastern, ESPN

Here comes more wrapping-yourself-in-the-flag-to-sell-shit!

It kinda sucks that it’s a good matchup so I would ordinarily want to watch this game, but I may be forced to watch it on mute while having something else on the second screen to distract me when the flag-waving commercials start. And they will be RELENTLESS.

How can we say we are truly free if we are subjected to this kind of crap without any other option? Exercise your liberty and watch something else.

San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl in San Diego

UCLA vs. NC State

8 PM Eastern, FOX

With Jack Murphy Stadium being renovated (It will always be The Murph and anyone that says different is wrong), the game is being held in the Padres’ home in downtown San Diego. I hear lots of good things about that stadium. Hopefully one day I can catch a game there.

At least they didn’t move the game to Carson like poor SDSU had to do all year.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: North San Diego County is heaven on earth. Let’s hope UCLA doesn’t shit the bed. Hippo, you interested in another Capitol Cabaret bet?

Guaranteed Rate Bowl in Phoenix, AZ

West Virginia vs. Minnesota

10:15 PM Eastern, ESPN

It’s a guaranteed rate, but of what? A guaranteed rate of acceleration like gravity? BTW, have you all heard that now they are saying that gravity is caused by time?

Yes, I know. I get a lot of weird YouTube suggestions and I follow some very weird rabbitholes.

The concept is that time is dilated by extremely large objects. No, I will not be making a dick joke about my own penis and how time goes by really quickly when a woman is near to it. The reason is that I can’t figure out if that means my penis is small or large.

Wednesday, December 29, 2021

Wasabi Fenway Bowl in Boston, MA

SMU vs. Virginia

11:00 AM Eastern, ABC

I spent New Year’s in Boston one year and HOLY FUCK WAS IT COLD!

This is another one of those bowls where 1) It’s nice to get invited to a bowl but 2) THIS IS WHERE WE GO???

New Ear Pinstripe Bowl in New York, NY

Maryland vs. Virginia Tech

2:15 PM Eastern, ESPN

Remember what I wrote above for the Fenway Bowl? Copy and paste it for New York even though I’ve never spent New Year’s in New York.

I do remember going to somewhere near White Plains in the fall or winter for a family event of a girl I was dating. I remember there was snow on the ground and it was pretty fucking cold. Those are my fondest memories of that trip.

Cheez-It Bowl in Orlando, FL

Clemson vs. Iowa State

5:45 PM Eastern, ESPN

Now this is more like it! A nice warm location with two very good teams at a perfect time in the afternoon!

If I was working this week, this would be the day that I would take off early to go to an “offsite meeting”.

Valero Alamo Bowl in San Antonio, TX

Oregon vs. Oklahoma

9:15 PM Eastern, ESPN

I don’t know how they do it, but Valero consistently has the cheapest gas in the LA Metropolitan Area. There is one really close to my work and it’s hardly ever crowded.

This should be a really fun game to watch considering that both teams lost their head coaches this year. If you are gambling on this game, I think we need to call an intervention.

Thursday, December 30, 2021

Duke’s Mayo Bowl in Charlotte, NC

North Carolina vs. South Carolina

11:30 AM Eastern, ESPN

Well, at least they got the matchup right! I mean, if you’re going to have a meaningless bowl game, you might want to have a state rivalry to throw some meaning into it.

Yes, we need to address the elephant in the room. This bowl game is being sponsored by a company that makes mayonnaise, aka The Devil’s Cum, as some people on this here website have called it. Now, I don’t have anything personal against mayo. For health reasons, I try to avoid it as it’s probably not the healthiest condiment out there.

I am reminded of a girl I used to “date” that was a big fan of swallowing. Just mad for it. She had been in her church choir and her throat exercises gave her special skills which she was very enthusiastic about. I don’t remember if she liked mayo…

TransPerfect Music City Bowl in Nashville, TN

Tennessee vs. Purdue

3:00 PM Eastern, ESPN

Is this advertising a doctor that performs sex-reassignment procedures that are really well done?

/checks Google

Apparently it’s a translation service.

I’m not so sure I would trust a translation service that misses the obvious when it comes to naming their own company. I mean, why not name it “Not Google Translate”? That automatically tells the marketplace that you have a good quality product!

Tennessee has home state advantage. Adjust your bets accordingly.

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl in Atlanta, GA

Pittsburgh vs. Michigan State

7:00 PM Eastern, ESPN

I do love me some Chick-fil-A. I love their food. Their commercials are funny and not really that annoying. Yeah, they’re very Jesus-y and they close on Sundays because Jesus reasons and you know what? In-N-Out is Jesus-y too and they make damn fine burgers and I love them too.

I don’t care what you are or what you believe in. You make a damn good burger or chicken sandwich, I’ll support you. Unless you promote Uber Eats, then to hell with you.

I’ll be watching this game to see how Big Ben’s replacement does in rallying his team from behind. He’s going to be doing a lot of that once he gets to the Steelers…

SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl

Wisconsin vs. Arizona State

10:30 Eastern, ESPN

What exactly are we distributing here?

/checks Google

Apparently, it’s building products. That’s actually a brilliant tie-in with the Las Vegas Bowl as Vegas is constantly building and rebuilding. I wonder if Blax knows them?

The game will be held in the Raiders’ new stadium, which will be nice for ASU coach Herm Edwards as it will bring back fond memories of the NFL. ASU coeds will be well-familiar with the city’s strip clubs, so that will be nice for them. Finally, the Wisconsin fans will be VERY happy to go to Vegas as they will have many buffets to choose from.

***

The bowls continue on Friday, December 31, 2021. I shall preview the New Year’s Eve/Day bowls next time.