Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 16, 2021 Season

I hope everyone enjoyed their time with family this weekend.  And by family, of course I mean FITBAW!

If we learned nothing else in 2021 (and we mostly didn’t), it’s this – don’t go pissing Joe Burrow off.  Balmer was down to its third string QB, but Josh Johnson played fairly well.  Joe Burrow, though, absolutely carved an injury-ravaged Ratbird secondary into itty-bitty pieces.  525 yards passing, four scores.  It could have easily been worse than 41-21, but at a certain point, decorum kicks in.  Somebody has to be the 7 seed, and it still could be Baltimore.  But I am pretty much over considering them a “dangerous” team come January.

Similar to their divisional brethren, Yinzburgh has mostly kept things together with spit and bailing wire.  Similar to their divisional brethren, they crashed hard into the brick wall of reality this week.  I thought this was a potential trap game for KC, but Andy’s Chefs won 36-10, a scoreline that flatters to deceive.  Very realistically, KC could have kept the clean sheet, and left lots of points on the pitch (missed placements galore).  The AFC road to the Owl will almost surely run through Western Missouri.

But wait, isn’t Grumblelord and The Legend of White Mac right on their heels?  NOT ANY MOAR.  Brokeback QB did his fair share of usual dumbfuckery, but balanced it with key 3rd and 4th down conversions.  Had you heard of Isaiah McKenzie before today?  As a Donks supporter…I have.  He was that motherfucker who fumbled like 6 or 7 punts/kickoffs before finally getting cut.  Today?  He showed how fucking easy it is to do Cole Beasley’s jerb.  11 catches, 125 yards, a score.  Damien Harris scored thrice, but we end 33-21 and it never seemed that close.  A statement win for Buffalo, for sure.  They still need to accept that it’s sometimes ok to run the ball.  Devin Singletary is actually a pretty good player, when they give him opportunity.

Bills have tiebreaker advantage over the P*ts and LOLfins, so it’s a pretty promising 9-6 mark.  Two games off the Chefs, though.

So much talk about #1 overall pick vs. #2, in an otherwise shittastic Jest/Jaguras matchup.  But really…both QBs are #2 picks, if you know what I mean.  The game itself was rather wacky and fun, as late-season “no pressure” matchups often are.  But the winning QB was 14-22 for 102 yards.  Yikes.  Prison Girlfriend came on strong in Q4, but ended up one yard shy of a game winning drive, tossing a game-ending pick with 8 seconds to go.  Jest 26-21 home winners.  And there was much rejoicing.  James Robinson, out of Urban Meyer-induced hell?  Shreds his achilles in his 2nd game, because life is a real bitch sometimes.

Iggles/Gigantes was a hellscape nightmare of a game, but Philly finally put it away after halftime.  Jalen Hurts, though.  He really fucking sucks.  But hey, he’s no Jake Fromm (6/17 for 25 yards and a pick – yes, that’s 1.5 YPA – not even sack-adjusted).  The Giraffe was no better, but at least tossed a TD – one for each team, even!  Philly somehow is 8-7 and very alive for the playoffs.

Fat Stafford got PTSD from returning to Minnesota’s Bird Murder Dome, it would seem.  THREE pickerceptions, including a hideous one that set up an easy, 2-yard TD drive.  That cut the margin to 13-10, but Dingleberry would Dingleberry – and RRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! led coast-to-coast.  It was the first time all season the Vikes didn’t have a 6+ point lead, at one stage or another.  One suspects the wheels might be coming off for Coach Zimmer now.  Los Angeles?  Now in first place in the NFC West.

Poor Detroit.  They come so close, week after week – and always cock it up in the end.  Down 20-13, under 3:00 to play…and they kick a FG on 4th and goal.  But idiocy seems genius, when they force a fumble on Atlanta’s next possession.  But alas, the backbreaking pick was always coming for Unlanced Boyle, and 20-16 it would end.  Now that all his fantasy squadrons are eliminated, ATL finally gets Kyle Pitts involved in the offense.  Not that I’m fucking bitter or anything, you fucking shitstains.

MRSA kicked the tar shit out of the Saddest EVAR QB platoon of washed-up Cam and never-was-or-will-be Touch of Downs.  Losing 32-6 at home is never a good luck, and we’ll see if Matt Rhule gets his third year or not.  I’d bet on “not” at this point, but who knows.

Does Carolina want to trade for a slightly used Drew Lock?  No reasonable offer refused!  Anyway, Denver officially died in Vegas, 17-13.  Bradley Chubb (brilliant self-tipped pickerception that he ran back to the 1, just before half) was responsible for MOAR points than Horse Cock Lock.  Even then, both Denver FGs were from over 50 yards out.  Just a river of liquid shit, really.  No reports yet on Rikki’s bandana and wing-wang.

GLORIOUS SNOW in Truther Land, and of course SEA/CHI was the game of the day, with nothing close to any playoff implications.  It was especially pretty viewing for the neutral in Q1, with snow and wind galore.  It mostly stopped after that, but at least David Montgomery got in a snow angel.  Most of the way, it toggled between a 1 and 2-score Seattle lead, but Big Dick Nick – despite sucking – kept the Bearistocrats! hanging around.  After failing on 4th and 4 (when Foles could have easily run for the first), SEA couldn’t twist the dagger and it would cost.  It looked like another red zone stall (the story of Chi****’s day), but Jimmy Graham caught the obligatory jump ball on 3rd and forever, cutting the margin to one, with 61 seconds to play.  Again, it seemed too early to go for the win, but Nagy said “fuck it, who wants Extra Time.”  And Damiere Byrd made his only catch of the game, and perhaps the catch of the year (seriously, go look it up) for the deuce.  A rejuvenated Bears defense locked down hard on Charmslinger, who could manage only one measly first down.  25-24, with neither team worried about draft positioning (having traded their firsts away).  I had this (and PIT) moneyline bet, and suffice to say, was quite the suckout (PHRASING).

Oh shit, I almost forgot – the Clown Frauds that are Les Clippers du Merde – losing in front of dozens of fans (that could apply to either team’s stadium) to the lowly 500s.  Lots of empty calories for Herbert the Duck, but he needed garbage time just to bring the score down to 41-29.  Say what you will, David Culley’s squadron at least puts in an effort.  This week, that effort was certainly enough.

I am too lazy to look up the tiebreakers, but one assumes that the back end of the AFC and NFC pictures get some clarity next week.  Plus, Miami and the Saints play on Monday Night, in a game that will be meaningful to both races.

I don’t fucking care about the N-GCp and Dacteds’ ded rubber (weird tiebreakers clinched the Special Needs Division for DAL earlier in the day), but there’s a whole Sunday Night thread JUST FOR THAT.