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It’s Friday Morning And I Have Opinions!

scotchnaut

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There’s nothing going on but the ever-thirsty content monster’s appetite must be slaked.

Newsy Notes:

-Big Ben has confirmed that he’s retiring (as much as he’s able to, using the English language) by saying that ‘all signs point’ to the Monday Nighter being his last home game. Gumbygirl looks forward to the Mason Rudolph Era.

-Kyle Pitts is only 128 yards away from breaking the rookie tight end receiving yards record. While not a big fan of Pitts, I’m a huge not-fan of Mike Ditka and Pitts will replace him in the record books. [takes a deep breath] I have to acknowledge that Ditka piled up those yards in a 14 game season back in 1961. He must have been an incredible weapon that vaulted his team to a great record! [Ron Howard weighs in] They were 8-6.

The Hall of Fame Finalists were announced today! Here’s my completely unbiased assessment of each candidate-

Andre Johnson:

-He piled up some serious numbers while playing for the Texans. IN!

DeMarcus Ware:

-He played for the Cowboys. NOT IN!

Devin Hester:

-A great home-run hitter and difference-maker as a punt/kick returner. As a wide receiver he was a joke. A severe lack of imagination on the part of the Bears coaching staff prevented him from reaching his ceiling as an elite gadget guy on offense. NOT IN!

Patrick Willis:

-A smarty pants guy that got in and got out as quick as he could with his mind* and body intact. NOT IN!

*to be determined

Sam Mills:

-Watch the NFL Films bio. It’s insane to me that a guy that size could play 18 seasons of pro football. I look forward to the next 5’9″ middle linebacker that gets to 4 Pro Bowls. It really pains me to say this. NOT IN!

Zach Thomas:

-A ‘tackling machine’ so-called because the defense was designed to funnel runners towards him. Couldn’t cover wr’s to save his life. NOT IN!

Richard Seymour:

-Don’t recall much but he played for the Pats. NOT IN!

Jared Allen:

-My lasting memory? It’s a pic of him smiling away beside the corpse of a Grizzly Bear he had shot. Small Penis Alert! NOT IN! (see what I did there? Damn, I’m clever)

Reggie Wayne/Torry Holt:

-Both these fellas were early beneficiaries of offenses that were ahead of their time. Can’t punish them for that and their numbers do dwarf those of their peers. That said, 20 years from now, folks will second-guess their inclusion. SHOULD BE IN!

Ronde Barber:

-Above average corner in a defense that was crazy dominant for a few years. NOT IN!

Bryant Young:

-Dominant defensive end/tackle that had a few good years. NOT IN!

This was fun to write!

Fight me in the comments.

 

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Gumbygirl

I want The Rapist to retire after getting sacked 17 times on Monday Night Football, and on his way out, trip, fall, and land on Rudolph the Racist Reindeer in the tunnel, crushing him to death. For the HOF, Johnson, Mills, Holt, Wayne, and Boselli.

3
scotchnaut

Central Michigan cheerleaders wearing windbreakers and track pants. You knew what you’d have to do when you signed up for this. Now, show me your hairy legs damnit!

3
Redshirt

They’re from the center of the Lower Peninsula of Michigan and they’re in Texas just a stone’s throw from the Rio Grande. This should be shorts weather to them!

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King Hippo

Man, that Tranny Bowl yesterday really makes today’s cis-action pale in comparison.

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scotchnaut

That is a well-constructed joke. Are you a mason?

1
Redshirt

I thought of a good joke, but after seeing the reaction to Dave Chappelle’s joke I decided to transition to another comment.

2
Redshirt

(shows one minute game recap and sponsor spots; live shot shows field view of a cart speeding towards to an injured player)

“Why is that guy dead? We’ll tell you after thi-”

(cuts to commercial)

1
Redshirt

Oh, crap. Its the Punter/Kickoff Specialst.

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King Hippo

I’d vote YAY on Mills, Holt, Wayne. That might be it.

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litre_cola

Mills, Holt, and Wayne represented me in my indecent exposure case that night in Key West. Everyone else was naked.

3
yeah right

Sam Mills for sure. That linebacking corp that the Saints had with Mills and Swilling and Ricky Jackson was insane.

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King Hippo

Also agreed.

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scotchnaut

Looking at the qb’s that made the Hall and played a significant part of their careers in the 70’s it’s no wonder that Namath and Stabler got in-there was so little to choose from. The way I see it, only Staubach and Bradshaw deserve it and it’s a long way down from there. Griese was a competent system qb, Fouts was a ‘compiler’ of stats and didn’t win anything-same goes for Tarkenton, who I think was rewarded for his longevity.

/makes Ken Anderson’s case all that much stronger

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King Hippo

Agreed.

0
Redshirt

The NFL Hall of Fame is based more on perception than actual talent and stats.

Joe Namath & Ken Stabler: Clutch QB
Bob Griese: QB of the Undefeated Dolphins
Fran Tarkenton: Led his team to 4 Super Bowls
Roger Staubach: Super Bowl winning QB of America’s Team
Terry Bradshaw: Four-time Super Bowl Winner

Not to say all these players didn’t deserve to make the Hall of Fame, but it does allow for snubs.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Namath and Griese no, (Griese in part because of his goddamn son), Stabler and Tarkenton I think are borderline but can’t get exercised at anyone who voted for them, Staubach and Bradshaw definitely.

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King Hippo

Torry Holt is a superb human in addition to the best “WRU” graduate (ie, NC State) since Philly’s Mike Quick.

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Horatio Cornblower

The NFL Hall of Fame has the dumbest set up. First, it’s a popularity contest to a greater degree than any other HoF, with the nominees, (except for former commissioner’s who all get in with a nice hand job from the writers), having to be vouched for by one writer. Second, they apparently limit it to 8 guys a year, but also say that at least 4 have to get in, which is bizarre.

Secondly, and this is more important, because there’s a cap on how many can be admitted each year, guys who played less glamorous positions, (think the lines) (no, different lines Mr. Irvin, now put that down), get screwed every year while the press rushes to admit the likes of Eli Manning, (NAWT a HoFer!) (but will get in anyway), while the likes of Joe Jacoby or Tony Boselli get shuffled off for another year.

I’d submit that they should do something like have a cycle, where each year the votes focus on a different position. One year, QBs and RBs. Next year, OL and DL/LB, next year WR and Secondary. You’d have to figure out where to put punters and kickers. They don’t deserve an entire year to themselves, even if someone like Ray Guy absolutely deserves to be in.

Anyway, that’s my soapbox for the day.

5
scotchnaut

I’m with you on Eli-he just doesn’t pass the eye test as a worthy player but his supporters have plenty of ammunition aside from the 2 Super Bowls. He’s a .500 qb (exactly!) at 117-117 but Jurgenson (69-71-7) and Namath (62-63-4) are in with losing records. As for his 336/244 TD/INT split, well I thought he’d set a new record but Favre had 336 in his career. And look at Namath’s godawful number of 173/220 as well as Stabler’s 194-222.

1
Redshirt

Yup. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve started to hate the HoF announcements because I know popular players will make it over worthy players.

1
Horatio Cornblower

I don’t think Namath belongs anymore than Eli does, but I do have to concede that Namath and the Jets beating the Colts probably made the Super Bowl what it is today, and therefore he gets a huge boost for “Fame” on an otherwise mediocre career.

Your names also bring up another great point, the difference in eras. Jurgenson’s numbers look terrible, but in that era the QB simply wasn’t called on to pass all that much. Even Favre’s numbers come up short, (Deanna Favre joke goes here), compared to what today’s QBs put up.

I’m not a fan of using wins and losses to measure a QB. There’s so many other factors that go into a football team winning and losing it’s just not fair either way. So I measure ’em by height.

0
scotchnaut

So I measure ’em by height

Doug Flutie just put you on a list

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think Hester makes it, fwiw

2
Cecil Rhodes

Andre Johnson too. The stats that he put up, considering the “quarterbacks” he had “throwing” to him, are quite remarkable.

4
Horatio Cornblower

Johnson, Wayne/Holt, (only one will get in this year, for…reasons, I guess), Mills. Then a player like Boselli from an older list gets cleaned up to make 4. That’s my guess anyway.

Of that list I’d vote for Johnson, Wayne & Holt, and Mills. I’m inclined to vote for Seymour as well, despite him being a P*t.

0
Cecil Rhodes

Good day, imperialists! I have offered my thoughts on this year’s hall of fame class below:

Andre Johnson: He was indeed a fantastic player for that squadron from the Republic of Texas, but I cannot overlook how uncivilized he is. NOT IN!

DeMarcus Ware: My word, couldn’t his parents have simply named him Marcus? Far too uncivilized. NOT IN!

Devin Hester: Faster than a gazelle in the open field, but far too uncivilized. NOT IN!

Patrick Willis: Stronger than a Rwandan gorilla and smarter than Paul Kruger. However, still far too uncivilized. NOT IN!

Sam Mills: Look, if we are inviting the vertically challenged to the hallowed halls of footballing, I fail to see how Wayne Chrebet has not been voted in three times over. NOT IN!

Zach Thomas: A fine example of Anglo-Saxon fortitude! IN!

Richard Seymour: I fail to see the rationale for nominating this especially uncivilized player. NOT IN!

Jared Allen: A tremendous hunter-gatherer who would be an excellent fit in the Rhodesian parliament! I should hope that he would want to become the new Minister of Taxidermy! IN!

The Other Four Players: You must be joking. Too uncivilized. NOT IN!

2
Horatio Cornblower

I’m seeing a pattern here.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

The ghost of Jerry Richardson nodding along in agreement whilst masturbating?

2
Senor Weaselo

My fourth-favorite bit from Wonder Showzen? (Wait, lemme check: RPS with God, What is Heaven?, Brains vs. Muscles… yeah, I think 4th.)

0
scotchnaut

Rutgers!

/I’ve never said that before…

0
SonOfSpam

Kirk Cousins got the plague, so Vikes will start Kellen Mond at GB. Neat.

0
SonOfSpam

May actually be Sean Mannion starting. Not better.

0
yeah right

Nope. Mannion’s got it too.

This would be the perfect time to sever ties with the idiot quarterback. May we never see his Royal Hesitancy and .500 record in a Vikings uniform again.

4
SonOfSpam

Agree totally about moving on from Cousins.

(I read that Mannion has a decent shot of being activated off the list in time)

0
yeah right

At this point maybe just see what the rookie has. Another lost season in an ocean of them.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

As a Bears fan, fuck Mike Ditka

1
scotchnaut

For the love of God, please wear a condom!

3
Horatio Cornblower

The only thing I appreciate about Ditka these days is his dedication to showing his ass on absolutely every occasion he can.

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