Welcome back to the Beat! This week, I, how do I say this… like Phil Rizzuto’s famous “WW” calls, I wasn’t watching. I had a gig. I know what you’re thinking. “Senor, couldn’t you have had Rikki do this week, or watched on Discovery+?” To the first, yes, but I thought this would be amusing and we know how much commitment I can show to a bit, and to the second, still don’t have it and I’m pretty sure I used my free trial to watch Bounty Hunters last year.

The good news for everyone is expect a shorter article this week. The bad news for me is I normally have my notes to go off and I’ll be writing this blind, and probably chucking a bracket outlook on the bottom. Eh. To the fights!

(Sorry for the improper formatting, we’ll be back next week.)

Blacksmith vs. Malice
Blacksmith: 1-1 (W, JD 3-0 vs. Free Shipping; L, JD 3-0 vs. Shatter!)
Malice: 0-2 (L, JD 3-0 vs. Tantrum; L, KO vs. Jackpot)

This is a win to have any chance of the bubble fight for Malice. Sure, the rookie bot went 3-0 last year, but lost the weapon in one hit against both Tantrum and Jackpot. So it hasn’t exactly showed much in 2021. At the very least, I’d say Malice needs a win and to work for most if not all of three minutes. A KO won’t hurt, but against Blacksmith that would be a tall order.

Blacksmith is in with a win, that much is certain. A loss puts the revamped bot in a more tenuous situation, of course. It might be a crowded 1-2 bubble, and a 1-2 Blacksmith wouldn’t be ahead of, for instance, Lock-Jaw, or (in a loss) Malice. Maybe Kraken or SubZero, who were both top 32 bots last year, but someone’s probably going to be on the outside looking in.

Blacksmith didn’t box rush (I will find some streams, after all) but in the early going Malice looked the quicker of the two, trying to circle around Blacksmith before getting enough around that a hit from the horizontal weapon, even on Blacksmith’s front plow as it re-faced Malice, sent the hammer-saw bot spinning upside-down. Blacksmith was, after a moment, able to self-right as Malice came back in for another salvo, flipping itself in the process.

Malice continued to show aggression, charging headlong into Blacksmith’s blow and taking out what looked like the weapon belt on Blacksmith. We already saw that if Blacksmith loses the belt, a powerless power hammer is just a weak hammer. Also, somewhere, Blacksmith’s fuel line went, because now the robot was on fire.

Malice actually backed off a little bit as Blacksmith, now backed into a proverbial corner, had to be the all-out aggressor, trying to use its plow to break Malice’s weapon and get some semblance of back in the fight. Meanwhile, it wasn’t just the belt gone on Blacksmith, but it looked like the saw was in a weird position. Not that it was mattering much as Malice was tearing into Blacksmith, which, because it’s Blacksmith, means that there were gouges in the armor and that’s about it. And the fire was fairly contained as we moved to the later stages of the fight.

No strategy in the final minute, just good old fashioned toe to toe, nobody backing down. It went to the judges, and Blacksmith would get an aggression and control point in all likelihood, but this seems pretty cut and dry.

Malice wins by unanimous decision. Both bots are 1-2, which is a better place for Malice than Blacksmith.

Black Dragon vs. Claw Viper
Black Dragon: 1-1 (W, KO vs. Icewave; L, JD 3-0 vs. Rotator)
Claw Viper: 1-0 (W, KO vs. Pardon My French)

Hey wait, these two bots fought last year! And it didn’t last long as Claw Viper was a bit too quick for its own good.

This time around, the speed actually was beneficial as Claw Viper got in early for a suplex on Black Dragon! Sure, Black Dragon immediately self-righted, but that’s already better than last year. But the claw stayed up, and while waiting for it to come down, Black Dragon got under and upended Claw Viper. This did unlock the mechanism though, and Claw Viper got another pinch in, though couldn’t get a successful lift, nearly overbalancing.

Claw Viper tried to chase down and got another successful clamp, but again had to let go, instead trying to clamp the screws. Worse, it seemed like the drive was damaged. But Black Dragon couldn’t quite get a good bite and the two bots pushed more than anything, into the short corner. The two bots got out of the corner and all Claw Viper was doing was moving around in circles. Not quite gonna cut it.

Black Dragon wins by KO. Claw Viper’s come a long way. If Black Dragon’s their measuring stick they’re closer, but not there yet. Black Dragon at 2-1 is in.

SMEEEEEEEEEE vs. Gigabyte
SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE: 1-0 (W, KO Deep Six)
Gigabyte: 1-1 (L, KO vs. Uppercut; W, KO vs. Captain Shrederator)

So this is a win and in fight for BOTH bots, which is not a thing you’d expect to say about SMEEEEEEEEEE. But they are 1-0 and didn’t break in half against Deep Six, which is what the populace expected, and wanted. SMEEEEEEE actually put the undercutters as overhead spinners for this fight, to have a better angle to actually hit Gigabyte. It’s also a slightly different setup in terms of number of panels.

But there was not box rush, as it’s probably hard to control two pods to move. So Gigabyte could spin up and we could watch SMEEEEEEE’s harmonic motion in action as Gigabyte hit the middle and bounced off. But Gigabyte also focused on the left pod, trying to disable it. The spinner was quickly disabled, even after trying to hit the top of the shell or the lower parts of the srimech pipe. SMEEEEE’s strategy to control the arena and box Gigabyte in was pretty strong, but Gigabyte was agile enough to get out, and not getting enough recoil from SMEEEEEEE’s spring-loaded middle to bounce off.

Instead, Gigabyte had a decent angle and got under SMEEEEEEEE enough to get the whole thing airborne and flip it over. Though SMEEEEEE could get itself facing front, Gigabyte could keep grinding away at the middle until getting to a pod to take the brunt of the hit, though Gigabyte hit a wall for the first time this fight. But it was still okay.

SMEEEEEEE, meanwhile, had one pod basically dead. Gigabyte went for the other pod and made sure that was dead too, removing a tire and the weapon from that side. And now both pods were dead.

Gigabyte wins by KO. At 2-1, they’ve gotta be in. SMEEEEEEEEEEE is on the 1-1 bubble, but they’re in must-win territory. 1-2’s not going to get them in.

Hydra vs. Glitch
Hydra: 1-1 (L, KO vs. End Game; W, KO vs. Gruff)
Glitch: 1-0 (W, JD 3-0 vs. Ghost Raptor)

We’ve known about this fight since seemingly once anything about the season dropped. Hell, we know that it’s a doozy and both bots get airborne. And we know that this is the Jake Ewert “Now that’s full power!” line fight. (And now for fights I didn’t watch because it’s 3:53 AM and I have to be up at 9.)

And yes, we got to see full power, as in the early parts of the fight Hydra was able to send Glitch skyward. But Jake Ewert pressed his luck, and Glitch ended up getting in its own licks on Hydra. And then a one in a multiple shot, catching Hydra in the flipping arm while self-righting. There goes the flipper. And eventually there went Hydra.

Glitch with a rival to Upset of the Year. At 2-0, win, lose, or draw, they’re probably in. Hydra, at 1-2, is still probably in as well.

Free Shipping vs. Tombstone
Free Shipping: 0-2 (L, JD 3-0 vs. Blacksmith; L, KO vs. Uppercut)
Tombstone: 1-1 (L, KO vs. Captain Shrederator; W, KO/JD 3-0 vs. Mammoth)

The post-Comedy Central scene wasn’t quite the dark times, but I’d say darker that what came before. It was a middle ages for robot combat, because it still existed, but the casual fan would have no idea of these competitions. It’s really only now with the rebirth of BattleBots that some have rediscovered robot combat. YouTube helped as some fights from these other competitions helped show that yes, the sport still existed. And there was a Discovery channel special on Robogames 2011 hosted by Grant Imahara.

In this Robogames period of the 2005 to 2017, there were three bots (okay, four) that stood out in the 220 lb. heavyweight division, the customary prized weight class pre-ABC/Discovery era BattleBots. They were: Matt Maxham’s Sewer Snake, Ray Billings’s Last Rites, and Gary Gin’s Original Sin. Megabyte was there in 2004 and 2005, and RioBotz’s Touro Maximus joined them in that rarified air of perennial contenders as time went on, but these three bots seemed to always be the ones to watch for, culminating in the Big Three sweeping the podium three years straight in 2007 (with Sewer Snake winning), 2008, and 2009 (with Original Sin coming out on top). Last Rites finished 2nd all three years, as according to this Ray’s bot won the Combots Cup three times but never Robogames, finishing as high as 2nd with Last Rites four times and with the super heavyweight Tombstone in 2004.

I have no idea how many times Last Rites and Original Sin have fought. Let’s say “countless times.” Original Sin has usually come out on top, but in their 250 lb. guises as Tombstone and Free Shipping, the song and the strategies basically remain the same. He who controls the horizontal bar controls the fight.

And early on it was Ray Billings’s masterclass in carnage. After all, the lifter nerfs the shit out of Free Shipping. Getting the right angles and timing down pat, Tombstone took down three of Free Shipping’s four wheels. Fight not over, Free Shipping can still move on ONE wheel. Fight definitely not over, Tombstone’s bar went after the third wheel. So it became a pushing match. Normally advantage Gary Gin, but one wheel left’s still gonna put a damper on things. Tombstone actually won the pushes.

And the fight. It’s Tombstone by unanimous decision. At 2-1 they’re in. Free Shipping, a very entertaining 0-3, but 0-3 nonetheless. Can we just let Gary enter a 250-lb. Original Sin? Hell, dock it 30 lbs. for lack of weapon and let it fight at 220. I’d still watch it.

Ribbot vs. P1
Ribbot: 2-0 (W, KO vs. Defender; W, KO vs. Overhaul)
P1: 2-0 (W, JD 3-0 vs. Valkyrie; W, KO vs. Jäger)

Both these bots are in. The question will be in seeding. Ribbot on the strength of two quick KOs could be even in a top 4 running! 3-0 would be a start. The frog is in P1 colors for this fight.

As for 3-0 hopefuls, how’s about last year’s bot number 33? 2-0 and with a win over Valkyrie to boot. A win over last year’s Most Destructive and over a quarterfinalist and this bot’s talking top 8 seed. It is talking a different front wedge with a split in the middle. Interesting concept, no idea if it’ll work.

It was touch and go for both bots in the opening minute or so, but Ribbot’s vertical weapon kept grinding away at the front plow, and persistence pays off, doing more damage to P1’s front wedge and sending it towards the Upper Deck. A couple more hits did the job, just in the nick of time, and good thing too, because Ribbot got stuck in the saws.

Ribbot wins by KO and pulls off the hat trick! I currently have them 5th.

YouTube Exclusive: Captain Shrederator vs. Jäger
Captain Shrederator: 1-1 (W, KO vs. Tombstone; L, KO vs. Gigabyte)
Jäger: 0-1 (L, KO vs. P1)

This might be a win and in fight for Shrederator, and a lose and out fight for Jäger, who has only had the one fight.

Captain Shrederator wins by KO.

Main Event: SawBlaze vs. End Game
SawBlaze: 2-0 (W, JD 3-0 vs. Minotaur; W, KO vs. MadCatter)
End Game: 2-0 (W, KO vs. Hydra; W, KO vs. Witch Doctor)

Well here we go. If this was the final, I’d believe you. Nobody’s looked better than these two. Hell, a good enough fight and they might still get the top two seeds. Winner gets the 1 seed though. Pretty cut and dry. Hell, you can argue SawBlaze has been the most dominant, but End Game’s dispatched of two top foes within 90 seconds apiece.

SawBlaze came with a rush to look for an angle, oversteered, and End Game got under, pushed into the corner, hit with the weapon, and…that’s it, fight over, SawBlaze over and out.

Jamison Go mentioned they could technically get over, but were told to please not do that. That might have to become a thing though, because the new OOTA rule’s sure as hell not enforceable.

End Game wins by KO and claims the top seed in 29 seconds. That’s BattleBots, Suzyn. Because we won’t have baseball.

Sorry to give the bum’s rush and no preview, but it’s late, I’ve played gigs the last two days, and I need to be awake in 4 1/2 hours. Thanks to BattleBots Update for being up already so I can read those recaps of the last four fights and then make them much less funny, but I’ll be honest, I don’t want to know what a Bad Dragon is. We’ll be back to actually watching fights next week!