The people who guard the rainbow don’t like those who get in the way of the sun.

-Terry Pratchett, Going Postal

Let’s jump right into it, boys and girls! It’s turned out to be a Busy Day for a non-descript Tuesday in March.

The big news (until FIVE FUCKING SECONDS AGO) was that Atlanta Falcons star wideout Calvin Ridley has been suspended for at least a season for gambling on NFL games. One of the most talented and (cue Euphemism Button) enigmatic young receivers in the NFL, Ridley (note to Hippo- did we settle on “Chronicles of Ridley” or “Believe It or Not” as a nickname?) bet on games last November while away from the team.  He is actually suspended indefinitely but may apply for reinstatement after a year, a la Josh Gordon.

For his part, Ridley copped to it on The Twitter, though managed to piss people off while doing so, saying “I know I was wrong But I’m getting 1 year lol”.  For the three of you who read this website and are not lawyers, this is the part where a criminal defense attorney gives up.  You pled guilty, which was probably a good move. But then at sentencing you show no remorse and basically say you’re gonna fuck the Parole Board’s mother.  He has the right to appeal by tomorrow, but if that’s not successful, he has basically dared Goodell to extend that suspension. This came on the heels of another tweet:

“I bet 1500 total I don’t have a gambling problem”

Now, I understand I am old-fashioned when it comes to the Tweets and the emojis and the using numbers for letters.  But sometimes punctuation matters. What he MEANT was that the total amount he wagered was $1500, and that such a piddling sum meant that he is not addicted to games of chance.  For want of a period, however, most of America read this as Ridley offering to bet anyone $1500 that he doesn’t have a gambling problem.  Which would have been a Giant Reproductive Organs move right there.

Ridley is an interesting case.  He is undeniably talented. He got well-deserved plaudits from a lot of folks for coming out and saying he needed time away from football to deal with mental health matters.  The general idea is that we should de-stigmatize mental health issues.  But now that’s going to be overshadowed by how he chose to spend part of his time on mental-health recovery.

Frankly, this was inevitable and (assuming the gambling wasn’t part of a mental health-related episode) the punishment justified.  As soon as American professional sports got (openly) into bed with sports gambling, it raised the specter of gambling subverting the play on the field on an institutional level.  Gambling, points shaving and throwing games have always happened, from the Black Sox to Hall of Famers Alex Karras and Paul Hornung to Tim Donaghy.  But they it was always with a Harumph and stern assurance that professional league sports had Nothing to Do with such Dirty Business.

Now, questions are being asked.  The Powers That Be in each league are SUPER sensitive to any hint of corruption of the product on the field.  This is their new cash cow, but it could come with hoof-and-mouth disease and kill the whole herd.  So when an appropriate (non-star-QB) target came up, Ginger Spice pretty much had to put his biggest hammer down.  And it was the biggest hammer, as far as I can see in the CBA- the only longer bans in modern NFL history have been for players who were sent to prison.

And I say “Kudos!” to Goodell for once.  This calls for extremely severe sanction. The amount can’t matter for policing the game.  Whether you bet on your own team can’t matter for policing the game. It’s a hard and fast line.

There’s Fixed and then there’s Rigged.  Fixed gives an unfair opportunity. Rigged dictates the outcome.  This game is hard enough to root for when it’s only subtly fixed.  We can bitch and moan about bad calls, but it’s qualitatively different to only have strong dark suspicions about the league favoring Certain Teams.  When Wes Welker drops a pass from Tom Brady in the Super Bowl, I want to know it’s because God Himself has finally awoken to set the world to rights, not because Wes had $500g on the game. This isn’t just a threat to the owners making money, it is a genuine threat to the future of the game. The integrity of the on-field product is essential to our emotional buy-in. Without that, it’s just boxing- a lucrative but dying sport that is asking to be marginalized.

End Soapbox.

Of course, there has now become Other News.  Yes, Aaron Rodgers is staying with the Packers.  4 years, $200 million, $153 million in “guaranteed” money. Yet more disappointment for the Bronc-

Wait.  I feel a great disturbance in the Farce.  Like a million Donks fans need to change their underwear and have a leisurely cigarette…

Yes, Russell Wilson, the Charmslinger himself, is headed to Denver with a fourth-round pick for a goddawful boatload of picks and players.  Final tally comes to:

2022 First Round (9th Overall)

2022 Second Round (unclear if it’s #40 or #64)

2023 First Round

2023 Second Round

Unspecified 5th Round

QB Drew “Horse Cock” Lock

TE Noah “Ele” Fant

DE Shelby “Cobra” Harris

Early returns are mixed as to who “won” the trade, with the Donks the early favorite.  From Seattle’s side, the assload of draft capital is the obvious headline. However, getting a quality starting TE and DE should not be overlooked, even if this deal essentially demands that Seattle trade for a real starting quarterback or find a new coach.  Pete Carroll has no interest in rebuilding at age 70. Less than a week ago, he stated the Seahawks had no intention of trading Wilson and seemed to mean it. We saw what they were capable of without Peak Russell last year, during his injury (GEEEENNOOOOO) and as it lingered on Wilson’s return.  The entire defense hates Carroll so much they wouldn’t piss on him to put out a fire.  So either they have plans to get a league-average quarterback that Carroll believes in, or GM John Schneider sold Wilson out from under Snarky Pete.  If he doesn’t get someone decent to work with, Pete could walk.  It’s a Golden Age for conspiracy nuts, and he could happily walk away to spend the rest of his life telling groups about how transgendered Ukrainian crisis actors did 9-11.

As to the Broncos, it feels like a Win Now bid to try and get new ownership off to a running start.  Wilson is signed for two years at a reasonable cap number for a star QB.  He’ll have incredible receivers.  And while four top-of-the-draft picks and two legit starters are a lot, they are more fungible commodities than a very good starting QB.  But Let Russ Cook is a couple years in the rear view. Russell is 33, ten years into a career that has seen him take a lot of abuse as a running QB. If he continues on his current two-year contract, it will end with him either being Washed or Cost Prohibitive. And with a new coaching staff in Denver made up of first-timers at almost every position, it’s reasonable to think that teething troubles give them a one-to-two year window (2023-24) for deep playoff contention.  In Peyton Manning Times, that was fine.  But the AFC is a cruel wasteland for marginal teams right now. You’ve got Patrick Mahomes and Justin Herbert IN YOUR OWN DIVISION, to say nothing of the Force of Ultimate Destruction (“FUD”), Josh Allen.  As a future occupant of the CoinButts.com Owner Suite at Empower Field at Mile High at Gmail.com, I’m excited but nervous.

MORE NFL NEWS:

The Chargers’ Mike Williams got Paid.  $60 million for 3 years, $40 guaranteed right fucking now. This was an uncharacteristic Good Move by the Clippers du Merde, not being cheap.  I’m questioning my view of reality.

YET MORE NFL NEWS:

It was the Franchise Tag day, otherwise known as Loving a Player So Much You Fuck Him Over.

Notable taggies:

Chris Godwin (again)

Orlando Brown Jr.

Davante Adams

Cam Robinson

A Bunch of Not-Great TEs Who Will Now Make $10 million

OBSCURE MOVIE OF THE WEEK:

Dragnet!

Dan Aykroyd! Tom Hanks! Christopher Plummer! HARRY FUCKING MORGAN and The Virgin Connie Swail!

It’s a deeply weird movie.  It’s a comedy based on the Platonic Ideal of a straight-laced police procedural from the 50s and 60s.  It’s not quite sure whether it loves its source material too much to tease it, but it’s beautifully innocent in its way.  Also: Goat Skin Leggings!