The pain never ends. Life makes sure of that. But sometimes, us masochists go out and seek it.

Like inviting my mother-in-law into the house and having CNBC on every screen, and hearing her zap out.

Or maybe calling up my own mother and saying, “Boy, I haven’t been feeling good lately. My left arm is really hurting.”

The tidal wave of guilt, anxiety, and dread that woman can produce is enough to drive Jesus back into the cave, and firmly roll the stone back in place.

Instead of doing any of that, or shoving hot needles into my pee hole, I sat down and watched movies that are considered “classic” or labeled as “cinema.”

Please, they’re dreck pumped out by “artists” and “actors” who want to “Say something.”

I’ll say something: “You all should be dipped in honey and dropped in a cage full of bears who were recently kicked in the nuts.”

Black Dynamite

Minutes watched: 35

I have always heard of Blaxploitation movies, and figured they were about culture, and provided views into lives and situations we rarely see. Nope. It was painful to watch and to say the movie doesn’t stand up to the test of time is an understatement.

Growing up in Baltimore, there’s always been racial tension – along history of it. But I was lucky enough to have Black friends. (Yes, I know this is the worst thing you can say, but it’s the truth.) Many of them are still friends today, it’s a pity our lives are too busy to hang out like we used too.

I might come across as an unfeeling smart ass, but racism kills me to the core.

The similarities and differences between the two cultures I grew up in were amazing, and intriguing. I was introduced to more than a few parents and siblings, and one or two said something to the effect of, “You’re Italian? I thought you guys hate Black people. Are you in the mafia?”

One thing in common: the dinner table was a place to shout opinions, eat tasty food, and then shout some more. I found that parents were strict and fiercely loving, and family members worked hard, and then worked even harder.

I decided to watch Black Dynamite. Hoo boy, what a fucking mistake. If you can think of a stereotype, slur, or common misconception, it’s in this flick. And not in a way that makes you think. It’s over the top and the acting is horrible. Every character is a caricature.

A quick stereotype checklist

• Angry Black radicals
• Honkies who are clueless and super square
• Mafia guys who are ruthless (and ugly)
• The cop who won’t quit
• Kids in danger of drugs
• Pimps with outrageous names and clothes that defy description
• Drug dealers who say “you dig” in every sentence

Okay, there was some cool karate moves, but when the main actor recounts his experiences in Vietnam, and refers to people as Chinese, it’s hard to take.

In the end, I can see drooling, slavering racists jerking themselves off to this movie and saying, “See there, Billy Joe Bob Jim Boy? I told you they wasn’t like us.”

(NOTE: Tthere were some good boob scenes and towering Afros.)

Eraserhead

Minutes watched: 25

Punch me in the balls and call me Judy. This film eats it raw. Fuck David Lynch. If you took some peyote, grabbed a movie camera, and filmed your fucking toenails for two hours, you would have a better film than this. When you see the worlds “cult sensation” used to describe a movie you’re better off watching John Candy and Dan Akroyd in The Great Outdoors.

Battleship Potemkin

Minutes watched: 5

Propaganda films can be fun to watch. Not this one. The opening scene featured hunky sailors in hammocks – you know those guys in the Navy – being bitched at by a guy with a mustache that would shame Andy Reid.

There’s a violent discussion about the quality of food that features hanging sides of beef with maggots. Why in fuck would you store beef outside? Does that tenderize the beef? Give it that ocean salt taste? I’d revolt over that alone.

The officer who inspects the beef tells the gathering, “These aren’t maggots! You can wash them off with salt water.” Oddly enough, he wasn’t torn to shreds. And eaten.

And in the times we live in: Fuck the Russians, every last vodka-snorting one of them. Except the citizens who are protesting this invasion. They’re okay.

Charlie Chaplin Movies

I tried to watch a few of these, because you know HE’S THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME. Not for this slob. Corny by today’s standards, they were popular 100 years ago when the light bulb impressed the shit out of people.  I knew a girl in college who was a big fan of Chaplin, and I became one for a few hours when I was trying to impress her. That didn’t work. Should you meet a Chaplin fan, shave his head and then shove it into a toilet. It will be funnier than anything in these movies.

SHITBALL MOVIE OF THE WEEK

Crabs!

Time spent watching: 32 minutes

Here is the opening scene: man and woman doing the deed on a beach. A horseshoe crab interrupts the coitus by attaching itself to the man’s face (his character is named Sequoia, he deserved to die. Judging by the actor’s looks and speech, he is a fucking idiot in real life) and eating it, with plenty of blood and gore.

His lady friend finds a rock and just as she’s going to bash the crab, it falls off and SHE WINDS UP BASHING THE GUYS HEAD IN! Righteous. Then the crab eats her face and she’s dead.

Next scene, set to 80s music. A girl is pushing her friend in a wheelchair around town, and those crazy kids are banging into people. One of the people is a priest who yells, “Fuck you kids!” And gives them the finger. Fucking money.

The disabled kid and his gal pal receive a box from Japan and inside is…an energy source that he’s going to use to build a giant robot so he can walk. A laser blast is shot out, and misses the Sheriff, who is on the other side of the barn door. “You almost shot off my balls!”

The duo goes to science class where the hot teacher – hair in bun, glasses, short skirt – is the girl’s mother. They’re dissecting racoons and the animals are just slopped onto dissecting trays and admired by what has to be a roomful of future serial killers. One of the kids barfs.

In the other part of town, a whale washes up and the police guys look at it and decide that something happened.

I enjoyed this movie and lowered by IQ by several points. MUTANT HORSEHOE CRABS FUCKING RULE!