Welcome to Hippo’s Nightmare Live Blogging

As you may have heard, Everton are in a scrap for their very survival.  Our heart, soul, and pride have already been rendered like so much hog fat.  There is but one thing left, surviving the death blow.

No matches look larger than “crucial relegation six-pointer” away to Burnley.  Most Bitter Blues realize that we are in neck deep in the shit if we lose.  FUCK THAT NOISE, in my view, we really have to win all three points.  Otherwise, be at the mercy of the increasingly cruel fates.

I will add my instant reactions as the match progresses (with time stamps) in the body of the post.  I used to regularly live blog NC State fixtures this way, as quaint as it seems with modern interbwebs technology.  But fuck it, I’mma give it a try.  If nothing else, it will keep me off the Everton/NSNO message boards.

Opening Lineup Thoughts

Silver lining of all silver linings – Michael Keane’s brain-dead sending off at the weekend means he can’t play tonight.  Not that anyone feels great about the alternatives, but fuck’s sake give us someone else.  And that someone else?  YES!  Youngster and Pretend Everton mainstay Jarrad Branthwaite.  He’s a natural left-footer, and will be hungry as fuck.  Mason Holgate (unless it’s 5 at the back) stays in the DM role.  It’s something of a hybrid 4-3-3/4-1-4-1, the latter also being a mainstay of ELITE Pretend Manager Bernard Gilkey.  Anthony Gordon also replaces Demarai Gray from the weekend, also a very pleasing change.

This might not exactly be a GOOD XI, but it’s very much the best we can do.

GENERAL UPDATE – ETH (Erik ten Hag) to Men Untied.  Will someone PLEASE page Wakey??

First Half

2′ – Wind is going to be a major, major issue.  But Burnley are the long-ball merchants, don’t assume this is to their benefit (unless they just want nil-nil).

7′ – Ugh, we are just so very shit.

11′ – DCL is frustrated, going to go in the book soon (it seems).

12′ – Off a set piece AGAIN, and Everton are going down.

13′ – That absolutely WAS discussed by Evertonians pre-match – who’s this Collins, never heard of him?  Nailed on to score, then.

16′ – Mike Dean awards EVERTON a penalty???  Never in a billion years did I expect that.  WATCH US MISS.

18′ – Richy proves me wrong, despite the run up making me piss myself.

21′ – Key defensive headers by Holgate.  He’s right up for this.

25′ – Explain to me how THAT isn’t penno #2.

27′ – Spot-on asshattery from Team White Lives Matter crowd – boo the Ramadan nutrition break for the Duke of Merseyside.

30′ – Maybe the younger lineup is better able to keep a clean mind – they didn’t shit themselves after the wretched start.

34′ – Maybe Ben Godfrey’s best match of the season (so far).

40′ – Here’s the test of just how bent Mike Dean is.  CLEAR pen.

42′ – Richarlison 2.0!

44′ – Fair catch, Jordan Pickford.

HT – And….big exhale.  WLM 1 – Everton 2.  Still dire, but fighting like scalded dogs.

Second Half

46′ – OK, fuckadoos.  Ain’t won fuck-shit yet.  FInish.  The.  JERB.

49′ – Hippo and Other Hippo have shat enough bricks to build 3 or 4 chimneys.  And FORTY PLUS minutes to go.

53′ – Reminder to Evertonians everywhere – if Richy was a better finisher (PHRASING!), he’d already be at PSG.

56′ – Is it to soon to make an I can’t breathe reference??

57′ – Fuck me, we are going down again.  2-2

59′ – Life sucks, the world sucks, I suck, it all fucking sucks.

62′ – Bicycle kick on target somehow, but Pope stops it.  Dagger.

66′ – Hippo, he gon’ die.

72′ – Godfrey bossing things.  But the final touch is not there, as it never ever is.  Everton, that.

76′ – How shit is Dele, that he can’t even get on the pitch for 15 minutes here?

79′ – Captain Pickford saves the point.  For now.

84′ – Can’t fault Dom’s work rate here.  But nobody looks up to that final bit of quality.  It will be a grock-y Burnley winner, or end 2-all.

85′ – WHAT THE FUCK DID HIPPO JUST SAY?

Full Time (Oh Dear GOD, What Next??)

It’s all over but the shouting.  Everton will go down, EFL accounting rules will mean we implode, likely into administration.  Absolute shambles.