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Thursday Night Is For Feeling Lonely I Guess Open Thread

Horatio Cornblower

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Just stumbled by here and realized that the CFL East preview, lovely as it is, has been up there an awfully long time, with no comments for 4-5 hours. This place is as empty as the spot where Greg Abbott’s soul is supposed to be. Poor thing never had a chance. Thoughts ‘n prayers, I guess.

I checked the posts, saw nothing pending, and figured I’d step in.

The Yankees are playing the Rays right now. I know because the Yankees put something on Twitter saying that instead of the game they and the Rays would be using their channels to talk about the effects of gun violence in this country. I thought this was remarkable, (others in the comments had a, shall we say, ‘different’ reaction), and wanted to check it out. Instead I’m watching a baseball game. At least the Yankees are winning. Maybe I got the date wrong. Anyway, while I was watching I saw a cop duck out of the way of a foul ball without even leaving his folding chair, if you’re wondering where the next head of the Uvalde SWAT team is.

Other Sports today:

Red Sox battle White Sox for supremacy in the laundry room

Rangers play Satan’s Ball Sweat in the NHL play-offs

ESPN2 shows Women’s NCAA Softball.

Phillies vs. Braves

In case you missed it, and judging by the ratings you did, the USFL reruns Generals vs. Gamblers on one of the lesser Fox channels.

FS2 showing Canadian Championship Soccer. Montreal v. Forge FC. I’m sure Litre can tell yo where Forge is. I know where Montreal is.

Get to commenting.

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Brick Meathook

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1
TheRevanchist

Good job, Oilers. Calgary just wasn’t good enough.

0
Dunstan

That is a total bullshit call.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I had the complete opposite reaction. Thought it was pretty clear he moved his foot in a kicking motion right at the end.

But I’m rooting for total chaos, so I may be biased.

0
Dunstan

That’s not a kicking motion. That’s the old 1980s rule where directing the puck with your skate was illegal. The entire point of the new rule was that unless you’re lifting the skate off the ice, it’s fine.

Gary Bettman wants McDavid in the final, or at least in the West final against Colorado. The fix is in.

0
Senor Weaselo

“Goals? What’s that?” -The New York Rangers, while in Raleigh

3
Sharkbait

Sigh. Rangers in 7

Peter Karmanos should burn in hell

2
Horatio Cornblower

Evergreen

1
Gumbygirl

Gumby and I are having rainbow sherbet because we are five.

7
ballsofsteelandfury

For dinner, right?

1
Gumbygirl

We had breakfast for dinner. Sausage gravy and biscuits with fried eggs on top.

3
Senor Weaselo

Hell yeah for brinner!

2
Sharkbait

Oooo I have moose tracks ice cream. That’s gonna happen.

2
Gumbygirl

.

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1
Gumbygirl

That’s more sophisticated than rainbow sherbet. You must be six!

2
herodotus450

Just remember sportsfans, if Calgary wins we can take credit because Johnny Gaudreau is American, and if the Oilers win we can take credit because the concept of oil-based boomtowns is also American.

4
Dunstan

Typical American, making everything about you.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Both goalies are gonna use this break to get aloe on the back of their necks for the sunburn they’ve got from the red light constantly going on.

1
Dunstan

Andre Racicot nods.

0
WCS

Bananacakes! Git yer fresh bananacakes here!

2
herodotus450

This Calgary-Edmonton I call it Catelyn Jenner Brett Favre because there is no D.

5
ballsofsteelandfury

What a game. What a series.

0
Horatio Cornblower

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good ma…

Wait, are we not doing Car Pool Karaoke?

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[arrives at Whataburger] – Coach Reid

4
Senor Weaselo

[arrives at Whataburger, missing at least two doors and a front end] -Britt Reid

7
Senor Weaselo

NEVER.

2
Dunstan

BANANACAKES ALERT IN ALBERTA.

I REPEAT, POTENTIAL BANANACAKES SITUATION. PLEASE TURN YOUR TV TO HOCKEY AND AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS.

4
Horatio Cornblower

I was going to make some tea and get ready to go to bed, but I think I’m just going to pour a bunch of bourbon in a tea cup and stick this one out.

Last edited 3 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
3
TheRevanchist

Hockey during GSW hoops time? This better be important.

0
Horatio Cornblower

This Flames-Oilers games has more Oily Flamers scoring than Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show Memorial Day Butter Wrestling Tournament.

6
Gumbygirl

That’s a banner!

1
litre_cola

Bananacakes engaged.

1
Dunstan

THIS DILLON DUBE, I CALL HIM THE UNITED STATES, BECAUSE HE JUST AMBUSHED YAMAMOTO

1
WCS

How is that not a porn name and/or strain of weed?

0
Dunstan

Eh, he’s like a 4th-liner.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Dammit. I’ve been sitting on a “Looks like the Flames got Yamamoto again” joke, but the narrative didn’t let me pull the trigger.

Unlike that time the US Navy caught up with Yamamoto’s plane.

1
Senor Weaselo

Have the Woodball Cowboys considered rebounding?

0
Brick Meathook

This is merely an academic exercise. I think a real bucket-list item would be to kill another human being. Just one. I think you should wait until you have an incurable disease, and you have to stand a jury trial and see what happens.

Now this can’t be just anybody, and certainly not an innocent bystander, which rules out all but about ten people on the whole planet. It has to be somebody who is a threat to everyone, some one who needs killin’.

Who would that be? Hitler? Too late, he’s already dead, killed by a guy also named Hitler. Putin? He’s bad but he hasn’t started mass genocide quite yet, so maybe table that idea for a bit; plus you’d never get close to him.

It has to be poetic and meaningful, so poetic that even opponents would have to admit to the perfection of it.

I think I have an idea. Again this is merely an academic exercise.

The perfect poetic killin’ would be to shoot the head of the N.R.A., in the head, right between the eyes, during his speech on the podium at a national N.R.A. assembly, right when he makes a big dramatic point about gun rights. POP. Right between the eyes, from 500 yards away. If you had shot Charlton Heston when he famously held up his rifle and said to take it from his cold dead hands – POP – as you wish sir, right between the eyes, a famous dramatic actor like Charlton would appreciate the drama with his last earthly thought.

One shot, one kill. Even the N.R.A. fanatics would have to admire the marksmanship. “Dang, that was some good shootin’” they would all say to each other. To make it even more perfect, you should prepare for at least a year, joining the N.R.A. and taking as many marksmanship classes as possible. You want to good – N.R.A. good.

After the one shot, set the rifle down and walk away. You’ll probably get caught, so just surrender peacefully. At trial, don’t take the Fifth and remain silent; get up on the stand and testify. But don’t answer questions, just make one single statement:

”Yeah I did it. Nice shot. What of it?”

Case dismissed.

6
ballsofsteelandfury

I like it.

1
Dunstan

Look, I’m just saying… (glances at Secret Service agents browsing DFO)

Donald Trump is speaking at the NRA convention.

5
ArmedandHammered

Do not make that POS a martyr. That narcissistic asshole would even enjoy hell if he thought that people were still worshipping him after death.

2
Brick Meathook

In this scenario,Trump wouldn’t count. It has to be the head of the N.R.A. The fact that Trump was sitting next to him and wasn’t worth a bullet would be even more perfect.

The worst thing you can do to Trump is to make him the second banana.

Last edited 3 years ago by Brick Meathook
3
Dunstan

It’s a fair point, but…

How about the NRA president is killed, Trump has a heart attack, and dies in the hospital from a COVID infection?

1
ArmedandHammered

He would zpin it that his awesomeness deflected the bullet, and the Evangelicals would say it was God’s will he was untouched.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, none of this “it’d be better if he lived” nonsense. Fuck that. The world is better off with him in a coffin.

2
Gumbygirl

With a stake in his heart, just to be sure.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Gumbygirl, pictured here on vacation in Scotland

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUlj48Rvp1c

1
ArmedandHammered

That is funny.

Last edited 3 years ago by ArmedandHammered
0
ArmedandHammered

Cut off the head, bury the body neck first in a narrow hole 12 feet deep, fill with concrete, as for the head, place it in a cess pit where all toilets empty directly on it.

0
ArmedandHammered

Actually I want him to have a full blown stroke while speaking at one of rallies, with the nonsense he speaks all the time, no one could tell the difference, and then he has the longest loudest wettest shart in history, and keels over dead in to the pool of shit that ran down his legs.

1
Gumbygirl

Go out with a bang. Why the hell not?

1
Brick Meathook

No, the beauty here is that you don’t go out. You quietly surrender and stand trial. The goal is to be let off with time served.

Also, the rifle should be donated to the N.R.A. Museum, as an example of a “real fine shootin’ weapon.”

1
Dunstan

I would suggest one additional statement.

“Q. Did you enter that building intending to kill the NRA president?
A. No, I assumed that a good guy with a gun would stop me.”

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Reminder: Swans/Tigers in the wee hours for footy, so get your tips in!

1
ballsofsteelandfury

You know, now that you live in the East Coast, you can actually watch games over breakfast!

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t want to wake up that early

0
ballsofsteelandfury

The game starts at 6 AM Eastern. Shit, I’m at work at 6 AM…

Last edited 3 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
1
Horatio Cornblower

Some times I get up that early and let the cat out. Then I go back to bed until 9:30 or 10.

Working from home fucking rules.

4
TheRevanchist

The Wrexham game this Saturday starts at 4:30 in the damn morning (PST). I don’t know how I will be awake, but I am going to try.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Don’t go to bed.

1
Dunstan

— every date I’ve ever had.

3
TheRevanchist

This may be the better option.

1
King Hippo

The Flamers decided to win an Ice Footy match, and bully for them

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Not so fast.

1
litre_cola

Stupid game, keepin me from sweet, sweet slumber.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

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ballsofsteelandfury

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5
King Hippo

Babu! He remembers me!!

4
WCS

SERPENTINE!

3
Horatio Cornblower

It’s like meowschwitz in there.

6
Don T

“I saw a cop duck out of the way of a foul ball without even leaving his folding chair, if you’re wondering where the next head of the Uvalde SWAT team is.”
/standing ovation*
* in spirit #tired&lazy

9
Dunstan

Are post excerpts eligible for the banner? Because I loved that.

3
Dunstan

So I had some leftover (cooked) ribeye, tortillas, and salsa verde, and I asked myself, “what would yeah right do?”

Enchiladas coming up in 20 minutes….

5
WCS

Two hours later…

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3
Dunstan

That’s not true. There will not be a woman in my bed.

3
Gumbygirl

Asking yourself ” what would Yeah Right do” is always a quality decision.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Gonna be hard to explain to the missus why I quit my job, moved to Portugal, and learned to cook but what the hell, I’ll give it a shot.

5
Gumbygirl

You can take her with you!

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel bad for Dallas. They are not even remotely competitive in this series.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Wait, it’s already the NFL play-offs?

These blackouts just keep getting wo…

Oh, the Stars. Never mind.

3
Senor Weaselo

Hey, they won a game, it’s not like they were the Ice Dolphins.

1
Horatio Cornblower

I didn’t even get the name of the hoops ball team from Dallas right.

That’s now much attention I pay to the Basketball Association of the Nation.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One of my great regrets about never finishing the Dak Prescott’s Summer of Maturity series is that I never got to the part where Eli gets a leech stuck on his weenie.

5
BrettFavresColonoscopy

There’s still time for a reunion summer camp

1
WCS

/Eli dies from fright

The End

There ya go.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Today in the car the song “Forget Me Nots” came on and I busted out the rhymes from the “Men In Black” theme song. Both the Dr. Mrs. and myself were amazed at how well I did. I’d say it was about as impressive as if I’d shot and sank three consecutive NBA-length three pointers.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

The people that sold us this house did NAWT clean out the shower drain before they moved. For shame.

1
scotchnaut

Did you ask the previous owners if they were singers/actors in the musical “Hair”? If not, that’s on you.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s his own fault for buying a place previously owned by Charlie Whitehurst.

0
litre_cola

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5
Gumbygirl

Ugh, gag. Shower drains are the Hellmouth. It is known.

2
Dunstan

It is known, Khaleesi.

One of my shitty high school jobs involved cleaning out shower drains.

1
TheRevanchist

I put my anus on a shower drain in college and got pregnant. True story. Mostly.

5
Horatio Cornblower

Mom?

6
Gumbygirl

Could happen. Are you a seahorse?

0
Horatio Cornblower

Neigh

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sometimes Request Line features a theme that I think will be pretty easy (like last week’s “mothers and fathers”) but doesn’t draw a lot of song requests. I’m hoping this week will turn out to be the opposite, cause I think it’s kind of a tricky one.

1
WCS

How about this one:

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4
Gumbygirl

.

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3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

April Fool’s edition, 2016.

0
Fronkenshteen

Fuck the Carolina cawthorns

3
WCS

Ice Gints are going utter curbstomp the Ice Seething Sources of Horatio Rage at MSG on Saturday. GAME 7s, por favor!

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2
ballsofsteelandfury

Let’s go Battle Of Alberta!!

1
litre_cola

This city is quite optimistic that they will beat McJesus and the team from Dumpsville! They are delusional.

1
ThurberHerder

I think you should go all in on the tread title, no qualifiers.

THURSDAY NIGHTS ARE FOR BEING LONELY IT IS A CERTAINTY

6
Dunstan

Has “lonely” ever been a Request Line theme?

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yes.

1
ThurberHerder

or maybe:

ALL NIGHTS, FOREVER, LONLINESS

0
Gumbygirl

It’s nice you’re here, handsome stranger! (I assume everyone here is handsome, why the hell not?)

1
litre_cola

I am more swarthy.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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5
Dunstan

Also safe to assume each of us is strange

6
WCS

Uh… have you met us?

3
litre_cola

Only 3 for real but I text my imaginary Hippopotamus about futbol most days and an imaginary Californian sends me futbol kits and snacks from Mexico, nothing strange about that at all!

Last edited 3 years ago by litre_cola
4
WCS

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4
Dunstan

Several. Most of whom are still alive.

1
scotchnaut

“I like this guy.”

-The Motels

3
rockingdog

Found a funny;

Field of Dreams is a lovely film about letting your insane husband go in the yard and do his little project

6
Redshirt

If Field of Dreams was made today, it would end with the bank foreclosing on the farm to profit on the dead players. Ray’s family’s home would be demolished as the credits roll.

3
ThurberHerder

I feel like there has to be a movie where the little project by the insane husband is not a good thing. Best I can recall is George Clooney’s basement project in Burn After Reading

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There’s “Take Shelter” though I haven’t seen it personally.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Turns out the Yankees and Rays are using their Twitter feeds to all about gun violence. I am old and took “channels” to mean TV channels.

Soon my children will push me out to sea on an ice floe.

Until they do, however, go follow the Yankee and probably Rays Twitter feeds. The comments are glorious.

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“When you said ‘ice floe’ I thought you were talking about my ex-wife.” – the former husband of the Progressive Insurance lady

1
ThurberHerder

I read an interview with that actress once, she noted that her character was possibly the most asexual being on film.

So you might not be far off

2
Gumbygirl

Besides Tom Cruise?

4
WCS

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3
Dunstan

For what it’s worth, I once knew someone who worked on a film with Cruise, and (unprovoked by me) that was her observation. She didn’t credit the rumors that he was gay, he just seemed to have no sexuality at all.

Of course, it occurs to me that many of my co-workers would say the same about me, and that suits me fine.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

He and Morrissey should hang out.

1
Gumbygirl

I see him as a Ken doll. Plastic and smooth in the groinal area.

1
Redshirt

Note to self: Stay off Yankee Twitter so I don’t reflexly go Pro Gun Chaos.

3
ThurberHerder

Reckon ice floes will still exist in the future? You’re more optimistic than me. Or your timeline is, err, abbreviated.

Maybe my chilldren can scatter my ashes in the desert of Maine

3
Horatio Cornblower

My kids aren’t patient.

1
Senor Weaselo

Oh, is there salt?

0
Redshirt

I hate the Reds. I really do. Can’t be bothered to get a single run when you pitchers throw a no-hitter. Follow that up by throwing a football score on the scoreboard.

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Last edited 3 years ago by Redshirt
2
rockingdog

Hahaha
Reds look rocking scoring all those runs!!!

0
ballsofsteelandfury

So, apparently Andy Fletcher of Depeche Mode has passed away at 60. I really thought Dave would be the first one out of the DM Tontine.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Someone say ‘Tontine’?

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Finally found one that would show up from that episode. Also, Cold War era Mallory Archer could get it.

Last edited 3 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
4
ballsofsteelandfury

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1
WCS

THAT’S A LOT OF SCALPS!

4
Horatio Cornblower

I had just rewatched this last night. Woodhouse added so much to that show.

5
WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

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4
Gumbygirl

Damn shame. 60 is way too young
https://youtu.be/nhZdL4JlnxI

1
Redshirt

Really? No one?!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=C8-B5cyfK6A

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We did in the CFL thread this morning.

0
Redshirt

Must’ve missed it. Sorry

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You’re talking about Liotta, right?

0
litre_cola

Fuck the Forge, fuck the Forge, Fuck the Fooooorrrge,
Fuck the Forge
FUCK THE FORGE.

They are from Hamilton and that game was last night. They got thumped by the MLS side 3 nil.

2
Horatio Cornblower

This post may be worth less than you all paid for it.

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“No, don’t.” – a medieval blacksmith who now has nothing to look forward to but leech treatment

0
Senor Weaselo

-People who get their weapons broken on Forged in Fire

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