Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on [in bed].
Robert Frost
Would like to try to live life in bed, but would want to maybe drag bed bed to a beach or three.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
Nicole Brown Simpson [ from the mock draft of people to live longer]
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Oh do I need a reason? OJ probably fades to oblivion or just reprises his shitty acting appearances and more importantly THE KARDASHIANS NEVER BECOME A THING
BrettFavresColonoscopy
I’m here trying to play Candyland and BFC is playing 3d Chess.
LemonJello
Yeah, this is genius.
Horatio Cornblower
THIS GUY ME I CALL HIM DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE HE’S HERALDED AS GENIUS BY DUBIOUS AUTHORITIES ON THE MATTER
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Redshirt
Found a funny;
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
rockingdog
Gumby and I got our second boosters today. Feeling bionic as fuck!
Gumbygirl
Here comes the new shit
Gumbygirl
THIS COUPLE THE GUMBYS I CALL THEM A SATURN V ROCKET AT AN ALTITUDE OF 38 MILES CAUSE THE SECOND STAGE BOOSTER HAS ENGAGED.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I actually watched some of the Generals/Gamblers game and wow that crowd made one of my baseball games look well attended. The quality of football was….middling to ok? But why the hell would anyone sit outside in 100 degree heat to watch middling to ok football?
BrettFavresColonoscopy
I saw a few minutes of a game involving Birmingham, the alleged home team for the league. I noticed that the fan count seemed to be in the hundreds rather than the dozens.
And then I changed the channel.
Horatio Cornblower
Last funny;
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
rockingdog
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Good news: Daughter graduates college tomorrow
Bad news: She plans to become an elementary school teacher.
Gonna try to talk her into a safer profession, like lion tamer or Rae Carruth’s baby mama.
SonOfSpam
Children are slaughtered in a Connecticut school.
GOP: Well, see, this is what happens in states with gun control.
Children are slaughtered in a Texas school.
GOP: Well, see, this is just about mental illness.
Everyone else: So, can we have Medicare expansion and more funding for mental health?
GOP: Hahahahaha no.
Dunstan
So my understanding is that the United States actually needs to make abortion illegal in order to replace all the children that are going to be lost in elementary school shootings?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Eldest granddaughter is in high school.
The Wahini is in middle school.
Youngest right is in Kindergarten.
I’ve got a solid cross section to say to them that the current Republican base as it stands has done literally NOTHING for you except make it easier for children to acquire assault rifles when they turn 18.
They’ve taken away your rights as women. They’ve stonewalled any attempts at gun control while padding their fucking pockets with NRA money.
They’ve done everything they can to ensure the climate is systematically destroyed.
All while preaching God and how they’re pro-life.
This next generation WILL BE INFORMED and if I have anything to do with it they will be very pissed off.
Maybe my job is to stay here and keep fighting.
I can get used to that.
yeah right
Don T
At my daughter’s high school graduation thinking about the children in Texas who will never make this walk.
“School shooting? I think you mean ‘very late term mass abortion.’ ”
And that’s how I got kicked out of Karl Rove’s house.
herodotus450
GOP: “It’s not a Gun Problem; it’s a Mental Health Problem.”
Me: “Fair enough. How are you going to keep the mentally ill from getting guns?”
GOP: “Why would we do that?”
Me: “You guys are mental.”
Redshirt
Well, if you think about it, they need the mentally ill votes.
ballsofsteelandfury
That would explain why I drifted away from the tent/asylum.
Redshirt
I find interesting it’s the “FUCK YOURE FEALINS LIBTARDS!!11!!1” crowd that is always the most angry and upset about everything, literally all the time. These are the same types who say we can’t make gun control a political issue, while simultaneously making literally every single topic imaginable political.
Just something I’ve noticed over time.
WCS
Gumbygirl
Gumby and I are having rainbow sherbet because we are five.
Gumbygirl
For dinner, right?
ballsofsteelandfury
What a game. What a series.
ballsofsteelandfury
What a man, what a man, what a mighty good ma…
Wait, are we not doing Car Pool Karaoke?
Horatio Cornblower
[arrives at Whataburger] – Coach Reid
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
[arrives at Whataburger, missing at least two doors and a front end] -Britt Reid
Senor Weaselo
This Flames-Oilers games has more Oily Flamers scoring than Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show Memorial Day Butter Wrestling Tournament.
Horatio Cornblower
“I saw a cop duck out of the way of a foul ball without even leaving his folding chair, if you’re wondering where the next head of the Uvalde SWAT team is.”
/standing ovation
*in spirit #tired&lazy
Don T
I feel bad for Dallas. They are not even remotely competitive in this series.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Wait, it’s already the NFL play-offs?
These blackouts just keep getting wo…
Oh, the Stars. Never mind.
Horatio Cornblower
One of my great regrets about never finishing the Dak Prescott’s Summer of Maturity series is that I never got to the part where Eli gets a leech stuck on his weenie.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
The people that sold us this house did NAWT clean out the shower drain before they moved. For shame.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
litre_cola
I think you should go all in on the tread title, no qualifiers.
THURSDAY NIGHTS ARE FOR BEING LONELY IT IS A CERTAINTY
ThurberHerder
It’s nice you’re here, handsome stranger! (I assume everyone here is handsome, why the hell not?)
Gumbygirl
Also safe to assume each of us is strange
Dunstan
THESE GWS GIANTS I CALL THEM A YOUNG GIRL BLEEDING THROUGH HER PANTS BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CLOSE OUT A FIRST PERIOD
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Temptation (Whore) Island is on and someone just got shot down in flames. I don’t exactly know why, but I’m pretty sure the guy put his man parts in another girl’s lady parts, and his supposedly committed lady was not part of those parts. There are a lot of moving parts here, some of which were clearly moving together when they should not have been.
Anyway, I was trying to find the hockey game.
Horatio Cornblower
My handsome boyfriend and I are waiting to rock out to War at Morongo! We are early, for once!
Gumbygirl
Awesome! We won’t tell Gumby!
Mr. Ayo
He’s our favorite, don’t tell your handsome boyfriend.
Horatio Cornblower
It’s a tossup between Litre and Fronk as to who gets the Gently-Used Fleshlight. I’ll let each punter state their case in the comments and the people will decide.
/runs into clubhouse and grabs fleshlight
I got the Champion right
/runs away giggling
litre_cola
I can say with a clear conscience that I meant to put Norwich in last place.
I cannot, however, say that I had any idea where Leeds or West Ham would wind up, or for that matter where either Leeds or West Ham actually is.
Horatio Cornblower
Well, duh, West Ham is to the west of Ham.
Dunstan
Which just coincidentally is centered in the Reid compound.
Mr. Ayo
“Reid compound” is, coincidentally, what ER doctors now call pediatric fractures caused by drunk drivers.
Horatio Cornblower
THIS BATHROOM BREAK I JUST HAD I CALL IT A LATE-TERM ABORTION BECAUSE THERE’S NO WAY IT WOULD BE LEGAL IN MOST SOUTHERN STATES.
WCS
Gumbygirl reminded me of the one and only time I had food poisoning-join me, won’t you, on this journey.
If memory serves correctly, I was taking my first vacation in two years. I grabbed some McDonalds for the 6 hour drive to my destination. A bubbly stomach manifested itself 5 hours into the drive and I barely made it to my hotel room. The next two and a half days was a sweaty, poopy nightmare the likes of which I’ve never experienced since*-I nearly passed out a few times. What a shitshow. Ha!
*I would wish this on my worst enemy, btw
scotchnaut
My only food poisoning experience happened back when I played college golf. There’s a course in Billings Montana that I definitely left a mark on twenty two years ago. I wrote about it a long time ago when I had actual aspirations of being a writer. Here’s an excerpt.
“My coach must have had a losing night playing cards with the other coaches the night before, because suddenly there were all five of us guys crammed into one room and the nice restaurant he’d promised our post-practice round meal at had been downgraded to a Golden Corral. I fell asleep not feeling right at all. Must have been something I ate.
The tournament started the next day, I warmed up great and managed solid pars on the first two holes when it hit. It felt like I was being repeatedly kicked in the gut. I barely made it to the bushes when the vomit started to flow. Yup, it was food poisoning. I was on hole-three of thirty-six for the day and I could barely stand. This wasn’t going to be a good day at all. Pretty much every other hole we played, I would honk in the weeds. We finished the first 18 and as we were checking our cards I was shocked to see I had managed a 73. I signed my card and handed it to Montana-Western’s coach who handed me a bag lunch in exchange. The second that turkey-on-a-roll hit my gut it was on its way back up again. We still had 18 holes to play, and I had no way to refuel. “You okay man?” Western’s coach asked as I shook my head.
“How’s my score matched up with my teammates so far?” I asked.
“Yours is the second lowest round carded on your team,” he replied. “One of your guys got D-Q’d though. Are you sure you’re going to make it?”
“Got no choice now, if we don’t post a tournament score, we can’t go to the Regional. Going to have to gut this one out.” I wish I had felt as confident as I wanted to sound.
Round-two wasn’t much better than round one. Although about six holes in, I was able to keep a little Dixie cup of water down. My drives were getting weaker, my vision was blurry. I felt like I was turning into a 90 year old man. Montana-Western’s coach rolled up again about eleven holes in to the round and stuck a bottle of Gatorade from his team’s own stash into my bag. “Just try it, see if you can keep it down. Some of the other coaches and I are taking bets on if you’re going to finish.”
“How are my odds?” I asked weakly.
“Well, I’m pretty much the only one banking on ya.”
“What does my coach think?”
“Don’t know. Nobody’s seen him since the first round.” He replied.
Come to think of it, I hadn’t seen hide or hair of my own coach since the driving range that morning. Glad to see he cared. Maybe I should have played for Montana-Western. “I’m so taking this program over after I graduate!” I thought as I took down a baby-swallow of Gatorade.
We finally hit the eighteenth hole of the round and thirty-sixth hole of the day. And I had to take a knee to tee the ball up. At that point I felt so weak; I could barely hit the ball across the street. I popped the ball out into the fairway. Thankfully it was a short hole and I only had about 140 yards in. By then a small crowd of about thirty already finished players was surrounding the green. I embarrassingly grabbed a 6-iron out of the bag. Ordinarily that was way too much club for this shot, but in my condition, this was barely going to get there. I swung the club back and threw my hands at the ball. Thinned the piss out of it. That ball barely got three feet off of the ground and landed about twenty yards off the green. Surprisingly, it bounced forward, nearly rolling off the back of the green and left me with about a 45 foot putt back to the front-left hole location. Two putts to go and I can finally lie down. The other two guys in my group, Chad from Rocky Mountain and Colt from Carroll had both knocked wedges to inside four feet. I could barely see the damn hole from that far away. Out of the corner of my eye, I spied Golf Girl in the crowd. I was suddenly overcome by a familiar feeling of calm. Good lord she was beautiful. “Man up dude! Just get it close.” I thought as I jabbed at the ball. “Aw hell!” I hollered, as I saw the ball burn a trail to the hole, “that better hit it, or it’s off the fuckin’ green!” Maybe it heard me, because next thing I knew my ball slammed into the back edge of the cup, hopped in the air a little bit and then settled at the bottom of the hole as a collective shriek went up in the crowd, which to my blurry eyes and ringing ears, looked and sounded like Sunday at Augusta. I staggered forward to snag my ball out of the hole, but Chad from Rocky already had it.
“You are the toughest son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever met.” He said as he handed me my ball.
We sat down at the scorer’s table to sign our cards, when I finally realized after adding up the numbers I had shot a 1-under par 70. My pen had barely finished autographing the scorecard when I blacked out.”
Epilogue: I did take over that team as coach eight years later. Also, I try not to even drive past a Golden Corral anymore.
Col. Duke LaCross
Don T
Now that the season is over, I devote myself to reflection and Series C study. Got my copy of Ultras yesterday so once I finish the book I’m reading now… I’m goin in boys.
2Pack
It is phenomenal.
Your package will be mailed this week. Is there a Big Turk? Oh you know there is!
litre_cola
mmmmmmmmm. Chocolate covered tires.
Horatio Cornblower
Got my booster today. I can now open beer bottles with my mind.
Holy shit boys, Shoresy is so fucking good.
ballsofsteelandfury
“Your mom’s crotch is so swampy, not even Ducks Unlimited want anything to do with her!”
High quality chirpin’ throughout!
Col. Duke LaCross
Gumby sez he’s starting a new business teaching math to short people. The name? Making the Little Things Count.
Gumbygirl
Me when Canada wins the world hockey championship: “Yay! We’re the best!”
Me when Canada doesn’t win: “Eh, it’s a kind of random competition based on which players have been eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs and are willing to go.”
Dunstan
I know this guy fairly well and lets just say sometimes he exaggerates a touch, but this shit right here was madness! Who even knew you could serve a rice and potato dish? Excellent start to finish. Almost popped a boner.
DJ TAJ
lol at “almost”.
Mr. Ayo
The guy has to try harder in the future.
scotchnaut
Clearly the rice isn’t the only thing that needs fluffing, amiright?
… I’ll show myself out.
Dunstan
Here’s a cool mural down the street from my house. And some strange dude I’ve hardly been married to for 40 years AT ALL!
Gumbygirl
Recently* decided to go vegetarian so I had peanut butter on toast just now. Before that I had Popeye’s Chicken.
*I said recently, damnit!
scotchnaut
Just recently heard a great joke.
When someone tries to hand you their baby, say “No thanks, I’m vegetarian.”
Mr. Ayo
I would like to clarify you don’t have to be a vegetarian, or even vegan, to make this joke. It will still work.
Just don’t actually eat the baby.
Mr. Ayo
NOW you tell me.
Dunstan
FOR THE TROOPS!
Mr. Ayo
The Great and Powerful Oz haz spoken!
Gumbygirl
So with spicy food like Yeah Rights curry always go with an off dry white wine with lower alcohol. Think of what happens if you put alcohol on a fire, it grows. So if you have a high alcohol wine with spicy food it will make it hotter. Try Sauv Blanc, Riesling or Gewürztraminer on spicy food. I love Gewurz with Indian Vindaloos!
litre_cola
Think of what happens if you put alcohol on a fire, it grows
/pours a handle of vodka on penis
Dunstan
Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
Oh Jaysus, Gumby’s telling me jokes again. Here’s an example:
“I don’t know why they call it blue balls. A better name would be a cummy-ache.”
That’s fucking genius!
I missed a lot this week, but I didn’t vomit (yet)
que Hippo and Litre with odds on BFC vomiting.
/I’ll take the under, less vomit is always a win
I will go to ridiculous lengths to keep from vomiting. Which is weird, because I usually feel better if I do. I have anti-bulimia.
I almost cheered out loud at the end of Duke’s story.
I’m still cheering for Duke to submit stuff for posts.
he wrote more for the one comment that I have in, like, a year of posts.
Also it was easy to read, and fun
It was cinematic, wasn’t it? I laughed, I cried, I (almost) hurled!
So did he!
Well done everyone!