Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your Host, Doug Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between Doug Fecal, Jack Handey, Balls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the fifth edition of a potentially recurring irregularly scheduled Random Thoughts with BFC!  Now also (occasionally) in open thread form! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open attempt at an advice column.

• As many of you know, Litre is a generous man prone to shipping gifts of booze and Big Turks (more on those in a post to come soon) around the globe. In an attempt to return the favor, I trusted those global shipping professionals at FedEx to get some ‘Murrican goods up to Canadia.  Let’s recap the journey (thus far) shall we?
  • Packed up the goods in my own box, hobbled my way down the block TO A FEDEX STORE and said “I would like to ship this to Canada please.”
  • The very qualified employee brought me some forms for international shipping, which I dutifully filled out, and then asked me to confirm that she had the right name and address after I had handed her a piece of paper with those items on it. Readers–the information was not correct.
  • After three (3) corrections of the information I handed her in writing four (4) minutes prior, we finally had everything set, so I paid this person in American dollars (via plastic) and went about my non-merry day.
  • So then three (3) days later I checked the tracking number and much to my surprise, the package was stuck in Maryland because it was “missing paperwork.”
  • I DMd FedEx support and they helpfully instructed me to submit the missing paperwork. When I replied that I have no earthly idea what paperwork would be missing given that I went through a process with an allegedly trained FedEx professional to prepare a shipment to Canada, they said I needed to talk to FedEx international customer support. Apparently this was above US FedEx Twitter ‘s pay grade.
  • Literally 30 minutes later I was told I hadn’t provided enough detail on the package contents for the paperwork to go through to Canada. So I elaborated upon said contents “candy and gifts, some glassware, etc” and was told they’d pass that information through and route the package along.
  • Three (3) days hence, I checked the tracking number again and lo and behold, no movement.
  • Then suddenly, the package shows as routing back to me in DC.  What. The. Fuck.
  • Oh but it gets better. I spent another 30 minutes on the phone with FedEx after they said it was returned to my house…and it was nowhere to be found.
  • Turns out they “returned it” to someone else within a mile or 3 of where I lived. Super fucking helpful. Oh and at no point did they acknowledge they fucked anything up on their end. I didn’t have the right paperwork. /dismissive wanking motion
  • Later that day, I missed a call from a strange number and then got a text from someone saying “you don’t know who I am but I got a package of yours sent to my house. Opened it up because my name was on the outside and found your phone number on the paperwork. Btw, those peanut butter cups have seen better days.”
  • So I guess Litre is going to have to wait longer for his care package and FedEx is even worse than Dok’s cursed UPS. Fuck those companies hard.

• My biggest issue with this season of Only Murders in the Building is that Cara Delevingne isn’t hot enough to make that relationship believable.
• It’s been said plenty elsewhere but the NFL is a bunch of cowards for letting DeShaun Watson off with a slap on the wrists instead of a season or two suspension. Oh, and yeah, he should be in jail.
• Once we get past the HOF game, the preseason features a LOT of Friday and Saturday games. Why?  Just fucking why? Don’t we have better things to do with our weekends? At least in theory?
• H/t Horatio, but fucking A:

The Bears opened a goal-line drill with a botched snap followed by a false start.

— Kevin Fishbain (@kfishbain) August 2, 2022

• I’m taking a vacation starting tomorrow night, so if you read another one of these before the ides of the month, then it means my insomnia followed me across the Atlantic.
• Speaking of, I had a really good thought for a nugget I wanted to drop into this column while I was flying last night but my brain flushed it. Maybe because my flight scheduled to arrive just a little before 1am was on track for arriving closer to 2am.
• A hearty FUCK YOU to Alex Jones whose trial is going so poorly that his own lawyer opened the door for the January 6th committee to get his cell phone records.  May he
• There is football tonight, so this shan’t be the open thread this evening.  You’re in good hands with scotchy tonight, as long as you know how to read hobo markings but don’t leave any of your own.
• I think that’s it for me for now.  Miss me.