A mediocre preview for a mediocre team: The Miami Dolphins

In case you didn’t hear, former Dolphins coach, Brian Flores, accused the Dolphins  of telling him to tank shortly after he was hired in 2019, with Dolphins owner Stephen Ross:

“Allegedly offering Flores $100,000 for every loss that season. Flores says that as the team won games late in the season, Dolphins general manager Chris Grier told him Ross was ‘mad’ that the on-field success was “compromising [the team’s] draft position.”

Fuhrer Goodel did an investigation and to the surprise of no one, the NFL found no evidence. Of course the NFL found nothing because it would open up a can of worms for the league and make too many people question the integrity of the game. The thing is, I have no reason to believe Flores would lie about something like this because it confirms what most of us know; teams tank on purpose.

While we know teams tank, seeing these words printed out in the media makes it appear official in a breaking the 4th wall type of way. The fact that a coach could have financially benefited from throwing games makes me even wonder what is the point of not only supporting the Dolphins, but also the NFL.

Sticking with the Dolphins, this accusation has cleared up why the Dolphins cannot cultivate and maintain a winning culture over the past 20 years. Miami coaches who should have been fired midway through their first season– because you wouldn’t even trust them to watch the lint falling from your toes let alone something important– getting to hang on for more than a season, now makes sense. This is literal match fixing and no one important seems to care. How many Dolphins coaches have been asked to tank for money in the past and how many of them took the money and another season as the coach in return for complicity? Is Flores the first to turn down this offer? Considering Flores has now been labelled as hard to work with, and even incompetent coaches like Gase has found other jobs since working for Miami, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the first. Furthermore, the fact that we even have to ask these questions is more than enough reason to just pull the plug on them. No one will notice or care.

In addition to match fixing, Miami can’t even properly cheat as we recently saw. This team is so god damn incompetent, they got caught tampering 3 times, resulting in them losing their first round pick next year. That’s OK, I’m sure this mediocre team won’t miss the playoffs, making that first round pick valuable, he writes sarcastically.

In regards to the Tom Brady incident, the tampering began with Bill Belichick accidentally texting Flores instead of Brian Daboli about Brady’s situation. The rest is history. PETA should be protesting outside of Gillette Stadium because the only people that abuse Dolphins this badly are the Japanese and Seaworld.

Obviously the rest of the league tampers. But the Dolphins are so bad at it, the NFL had to fine them a first round pick. Fuhrer Goodell said “The investigators found tampering violations of unprecedented scope and severity.” In other words, while Goodell expect teams to cheat, this epic bedshitting of cheatery was so embarrassingly bad and noticeable, the NFL had to step in and punish the Fins. Fuck this team.

But to make this worse (for me), the botching of acquiring Brady lead to him signing with Tampa, who are owned by the parasitic Glazers. I mention the Glazers because they happen to own my favoUrite lesser footy team, Manchester United. To keep Timmy B happy, they decided to pay extra attention and splurge on players that would help the Bucs win the Owl. Do you see where this is going?

Since Brady has signed with Tampa, the Glazers have become significantly more cheaper with Manchester United and have actively sabotaged deals to prevent good players from joining the club. For example, last week, it was revealed that before Thiago signed with LiVARpool, he had a 4 year deal set in place to join United. In NFL terms, signing Thiago would be like having your team go from Chris Conte to Tyrann Mathieu; a pretty significant improvement. At the last second, Avram Glazer stepped in and demanded Thiago only sign a 3 year deal or the deal was off. The next day, Thiago signed with the Bin Dippers.

Currently, United is in last place and in relegation zone hell.  Before the season began, their odds of being relegated was 250/1. As of August 16th, United are now 22/1 favoUrites to get relegated. All this because THE FUCKING DOLPHINS DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY FUCKING CHEAT!
/breathes heavily into a brown paper bag.

Prediction:

Despite being popular with the players, Miami fired their best coach since Shula because he wouldn’t tank. They’ve replaced him with a football nerd who wants to show how smart he is by complicating every play. Goodie, he’s another Adam Gase.

Mcdaniel just spoke at a press conference where he said “The tight end position in general is a work in progress because we’re undoing a bunch of technique that they’ve been used to their whole football life.” I’m not sure what that means, but from how things have gone so far, I won’t be surprised if McDaniel will have the Tight end throwing or punting or some weird shit that won’t make any sense.

Supporting the Dolphins feels like you’re in the movie Groundhog Day because they’ve been repeating the same 3 season cycle for the past 20 years. We’re back at the part of the cycle where Miami will miss the playoffs, but be just good enough to miss out on a top 5/high valued pick; which won’t matter because they don’t have a first rounder.

Expect them to finish 9-8 and miss the playoffs again. Through no fault of his own, Tua will get unceremoniously released or traded and will become an all-pro next year; in lets say, Pittsburgh.

Fuck this team.