Good evening, sassy lads and lasses-this tilt doesn’t look that promising as it would seem that both teams are headed south this year standings-wise, but it’s still footed ball and we have to keep the eyeballs in shape once the real thing starts in three, three(!!!) weeks from now.
Newsy Notes:
-Jacoby Brissett is the starting QB for the Browns for the first 11 weeks of the season! This is why hard work pays off, guys. By the way, his record as a starter is pretty much exactly what you thought it was, 14-23.
-Qaron Rodgers whined the other day about the wr’s on the team ‘dropping passes and running wrong routes’ (I sense a season-long theme here) or somesuch. So today they were hauled into a meeting with His QBness and some coaches, told to sit in a corner with their tails between their legs and their hands under their bums. The main gist of the get-together? “Be Better!”
-Dawson Knox’s younger brother Luke, a footballer at FIU was found dead yesterday. He was 22. That sucks.
-“Well, The Pills Are Still Working”: Jim Irsay was caught saying that he thinks the Colts can get to the Super Bowl with Matt Ryan at qb. Jim, take a look around-you’re still in the talent-rich AFC, buddy.
To The Game!
Bears/Seahawks:
-The rookie Kenneth Walker has a hernia but it’s not the sports kind (maybe more of a sedan? sees long hook extending from off-stage) so he may be able to go by week 1.
-Drew Lock tested positive for The Covid so it’s all never-was Geno Smith, baby. Right up until it’s Jacob Eason. DK Metcalf was seen waving a white flag.
-No wonder Vegas has them winning just six frickin’ games.
-Eberflus’ name reminds me of those nose irrigation thingys that are advertised constantly. “Do It For Your Health!” Gah.
-Backup to the backup Bears rb Trestan Ebner acquitted himself quite well last week vs the Steelers, averaging 6 yards a carry and scoring a receiving TD. That kind of production makes coaches think twice before giving you The Turk on Cutdown Day.
-Fields put up a 4/7 for 48 yards last week which is the average-est stat line that someone could put up in the preseason.
Work ya magic, hooligans!
I love that this thread is up to almost 200 comments and less than 10% have anything to do with tonight’s game.
Preseason football is the worst.
The game was unwatchable. That first drive was enough to show how crappy these teams are going to be.
Dok should look up the 25% “Chicken Tax” imposed in 1964 by Lyndon Johnson and still in effect. Chickens are why there are no Volkswagen pickup trucks in the U.S. market.
I saw that. They had to be classified as, “ tiny little European wuss wagons”.
Tough to compete with Sam Elliot dropping a ton of bricks on a super duty with that name.
I didn’t know I needed a sitcom with The Joker as a Suburban Step-Dad. Not bad, 2022. You sure do know how to throw a curve ball:
Harley Quinn 3×06 HD “The Joker Intro” HBO-max – YouTube
I’ve been blown away by how great Harley Quinn has been.
Agreed. The first season was just fan fiction. The second season was good story.
This season, they’re just showing off.
Only if Kevin James is the lead and Leah Remini calls him fat in a Long Island accent. I would sign up for that streaming channel in a heartbeat.
Oh that’s a wonderful series! Between that and The Flight Attendant, I’m really impressed with Kaley Cuoco’s ability to move on from Big Bang Theory
She’s gotta lay off the seal hunt, though. Those folks make a living off that and it’s a traditional livelihood. Not like grinding meat through Bovine University. But yeah, her tits look good.
Aaron Boone is getting grilled at the post-game presser, having followed a stirring come from behind walk-off Grand Slam with a (checks notes)…9-2 LOSS!? and he is clearly uncomfortable with the questions he’s getting, and just as clearly as no answers for them.
Aaron Boone and his unpunished steroid using brother can rot in hell
I’ve saw Bret Boone play for five years. If that was him on ‘roids, he should demand a refund.
They were not back. Alternately they were back… to late June/July/August.
I’m trying to find a song I heard on the radio the other day. It’s something between Play that funky music and Ice ice baby. It’s a song you’d like at a party but you wouldn’t want it to come on if you had playlist going with friends.
Almost pump up the jam but not as much of a workout song as a lift the mood at a pool party thing.
It’s not the tune you’re looking for but it fits the criteria.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4gU74gMbp0&ab_channel=Jbs2a
That is really close. I almost thought it was the one. It’s going on the list.
Most of the time my friends have a rule about not letting me play the music so I’ve been finding these upbeat enjoyable songs to play for those times when they let their guard down.
“OHHH!” — Andrew Dice Clay, cashing royalty check
Jump Around? Bust a Move?
More like bust a move but a white guy or guys most likely. It was the radio though so they could be any colour of flesh. It was reasonably popular and I think 80s or 90s. I’ve been combing through the radio stations precious playlist and I’m stumped.
Maybe this is it?
I would know that one. The true answer hurt me badly.
Aw, beans! Thanks but I’m lost on this one.
It’s not the tune you’re looking for but it fits the criteria: Part Deux.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPz16LHTtpo&ab_channel=StitchVideoz-2-Productions
This one sounds upbeat, but the lyrics tell a different story!
https://youtu.be/DhKHAopx7D0
DOUBLE SHOT!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=is83WB7Ue1Y
Sweet mother of Mary. It was good vibrations.
I hate marky mark so much. My shame knows no borders. No barriers could contain the bursting liquid disappointment flowing from me.
Goddamnit. I’ll talk to you dames and fellas after my bowling league starts.
https://twitter.com/MySportsUpdate/status/1560312120788533251?t=FxfaVh9JxdegidAtr5oVlw&s=19
Throw the whole organization into their burning river.
“Honestly, they’re too toxic even for me.” – the Cuyahoga River
“Taint no big deal.” — Deshaun W.
There’s a tariff-quota on anchovies! Just like Futurama warned us!
Von’s was out of anchovies today. Pissed me off.
I need to start incorporating anchovies into my cooking more. I did a couple times a while ago and theyre so good.
I’ve got way too much anchovy paste because I fell in love with it. Damn! It brings salty umami to the party in a way that nothing else does.
It really does. I’ll get some next time, they didn’t have them in any form. Not even the canned rolled ones with the caper in the center!
This scene kills me every time I watch it. Never fails.
A stellar film. Worthy pseudo-sequel to Animal
house in my mind.
If all us commenters joined hands and reached down into the wormhole that Dok is in, we might be able to pull her out of it.
/I volunteer to be the Team Leader
Oh but you want your American anchovy fisherman to be shut out by the Norwegians and their cheap, angry labour? Next thing you know you’re getting fake anchovy paste mixed with lead and kerosene and the old anchovy farmers knocking at your door for a handout.
I don’t know what I believe in anymore.
I don’t know what I believe in anymore
“Have I got a class for you!”
-F. Nietzsche, professor, University of Basel, 1869
I don’t know how to eat those. I love canned fish, oysters, etc. But I don’t really get anchovies and won’t eat them straight.
I’ve eaten them on top of a saltine.
SODIUM OVERLOAD!
DeeJay Dallas is kicking ass right now and later tonight will be spinning tunes at The Patriot Club featuring tunes from the likes of Lee Greenwood, Randy Travis, Brooks and Dunn and Lonestar.
That is some quality jokery!
Is he going to hell later?
He’s a Randy Travis fan. He’s on a first class fan boat to heaven.
Isn’t he the guy that Michael Strahan said RIP to on Good Morning America, amd he wasn’t dead? Oopsie!
Oh hey, this one is interesting, I think Trump has been violating import laws:
46. Obscene, Immoral or Seditious Matter and Lottery Tickets.
Section 305, Tariff Act of 1930, as amended, prohibits the importation of any book, writing, advertisement, circular, or picture containing:
• Any matter advocating or urging treason or insurrection against the United States,
I’m looking for the porno lottery tickets.
You can only import those from Canada
Manitobans were making runs to the Northest Dakota for powerball tix
Like Manitobans need an excuse to leave Manitoba
I get that these are backups. But I no think either side’s starters are much/any better.
Scotchnaut mentioned Ticketmaster down below, so I thought I’d pass on something I heard this week: a decent proportion of the bullshit “fees” and “convenience charges” get passed on to the artists. So basically Ticketmaster is there to absorb any bad publicity for jacked up prices, kind of like Roger Goodell does for the NFL owners.
Not sure if this is at all true, of course.
That’s a load of bullshit.
“Vehemently agrees.”
-Pearl Jam
Nailed It!
— B. Walsh
“Bicycles cannot be admitted unless they meet regulations issued under the Federal Hazardous Substances Act”
Well fuck, there goes my plan to import bicycles made of opiates. Sorry Hippo.
Has their been a big issue with smack bikes? To be that specific. It’s not like if they didn’t have it spelled out someone would think it’s ok to bring in a schwinn made of oxy.
There. Good gravy. I’ve had too much to drink.
It’s the thought that counts!
I laughed out loud.
Wifey: “What’s so funny?”
Me: “Uh, you wouldn’t get it.”
Wifey: [currently stewing a little bit]
Scotchnaut: One of my friends has an opiate addiction and we laugh and laugh.
Mrs. Scotchnaut: But…but that’s not funny; that’s horrible!
Scotchnaut: Boy, you’re going to hate the jokes about my hobbies!
You’ll all be happy to know that your “Bearings, ball, 5/8-inch or less in diameter”, do not require labeling with country of origin!
Ditto for your “Glides, furniture, except glides with prongs”. I SEE YOU TRYING TO SNEAK IN UNLABELED GLIDES WITH PRONGS!!
“It’s all ball bearings nowadays.” — Fletch
That’s one less hoop I have to jump through when I build my homemade IED’s.
One great thing about living out in The Boonies is that there are no fast food choices at all if/when you feel lazy or weak.
Since #NuAIDS, my choices this “late” on a weeknight are down to Pizza Hut.
SHAME PIZZA!!!!!
I purchased a “charbroiled cheeseburger” from the Macs on the corner last night.
Shockingly vague ingredients list. Eg “meat patty”.
I added mayonnaise to jack the shame up a level.
“That’s quality self-shaming. I give it 8.5 out of 10.”
-Hippo
Tonight is #BestShame, as I had the crushing shame of WANTING ONE so bad, but I didn’t get the payoff of actually ordering/consuming.
Is that a food cuckolding? Or food masochism maybe? Cause someone ate that pastrami on rye but does it count if you didn’t watch him do it? How does Costanza keep it all in order.
Some local places shut their doors?
/forgot to thank you for advice on keepers. Thank you.
Nah, everything just started closing way earlier and stayed that way.
They close for the whole month of August around here. Some places close all summer.
Wahhh? In the summer? That don’t make no sense at all!
She lives at the centre of “heat death of the universe” though.
110 today, and like a moron I went grocery shopping this afternoon.
probably pretty short checkout line, though!
Nope, packed as usual. But good news, I “saved” almost 50 bucks!
I love that line on the receipt. Feels like I got one over on them.
That’s how you say Pizza Hat in German!
I am within walking distance of Del Taco but rarely visit. And stupid Carl’s Jr. doesn’t send coupons anymore, so they’re in the bad book too.
I just threw some Carl’s Jr. coups in the recycling. And I get Del Taco ones every now and then.
I hope I’m as youthful looking and energetic as Coach Carroll is when everything has passed me by.
yeah…”when” 😀
You forgot POW! BAM! ZINGA!
Counterfeit jerseys sound like another good thing to kick off my smuggling career, after all, I don’t think anyone would be willing to pay for a legit jersey for any of these QBs
Oh I have dozens of them! No customs there!
Thanks to Litre, so do I!
And they’re actually considered a restricted good, so like most cops, CBP are shitty at their jobs
I got one from you. Sherman. Neck hole the size of a sink drain.
Speaking of BC Dick’s playing career, what position y’all reckon he played? I’m going with D-Line.
I know….
Very different position than I did.
Mostly, yeah. O-line in high school too. OLB in college and a bit of TE in goal line.
Only a Lineman would include playing 6 snaps at tight end of course.
If you’ve played at all it’s easy to narrow it down. Litre was a receiver I think but one of the blue collar ones, not the divas.
D-Line is best for channeling RAGE!
I played free safety in high school, but that was only in an ill-conceived 11-on-11 tackle/but no pads or helmets pickup game.
Safeties are good. Smart like a middle LB, not jackassy overconfident like CBs.
White guy, slow, big hands. Yep. Nailed it.
Your long arms too.
Big ass and legs, good quicks, heavy hands and a mean disposition for me. . I loved busting up quarterbacks and tellingtheir o line they were chumps.
Add it together and deci is gonna be a left tackle.
Yeah they are dumb long, people at the restaurant even notice as I put all the plates down.
Don’t be racist. There are lots of fast white guys. That hurdler on your eagles. Jordy Nelson. That little punk who stole my pogs at the 7-11.
Gumby was a guard on offense, and a linebacker on defense. Now he has trouble walking. He went to Dr. Feelgood every Monday after the Friday night lights, and got fluid drained from his knees, and a big handful of percocets.
Oh yeah the bill comes due. My foot is all busted up and my elbow doesn’t work right. Everything else hurts. And I can’t remember a damn thing.
And I dream and think in black and white but that might have been like that before. But I can’t remember.
I remember older guys telling me that a sprained ankle, a wrenched knee, (HA!) a shoulder sprain or other such things would come back to haunt you later on. I laughed it off like the dumb jizzwad that I was.
What did you play?
I also thought I was invincible. Now I sound like Al Bundy when I get off the chesterfield.
In NHL news, my team just took on a shitty contract because we’re gonna suck this year anyway and they’re giving us a draft pick to do it. So, yeah, it’s going to be that kind of season.
ETA: and the reason we have the cap space to do it is because our star goaltender is going to be out all season, if not done for his career.
This city is sooo happy to have Hubredeau, Kadri instead of Gaudreau, Tkachuk and Monahan’s contract.
You left out Weeger, who’s a nice part of that Florida deal.
I really like Gaudreau and think the criticism of him was dumb, but given the situation the Flames found themselves in, they’ve bounced back well. It’s all well and good for dumb talk radio guys to say BLOW IT UP AND REBUILD, but they were too good to do that easily.
They could easily be the second-best team in the conference (again).
Johnny was a nice guy to serve. Tkachuk was a knob end. Who I will miss is Eric Gudbransen, he and his wife are amazing people.
No team will win if they have a letter on Tkachuk’s jersey. He’s a shit heel who can’t back it up. Lucic he can hide from. Kane gets there playing 1st line and he turns into a church mouse.
Yes, I am sure pre-season eligibility/debuts are 100% puppeteered by God. That’s not at all a crazy thing for a person to believe.
Jesus is a big preseason DFS guy I’ve heard. So maybe!
Boris is our SavioUr! I knew it!!
Import restrictions are legit insane. Did you know there are no circumstances where you can import a made-to-measure suit from Hong Kong without filing for formal entry and paying bond and duty to CBP? And ditto for any quantity of any type of yarn, unless it’s folkloric yarn.
What about marine biology?
Off-the-rack is fine, though?
I guess? Although I don’t know how they can tell the difference, so they’ll probably hold it and charge you warehousing fees just in case.
Who do they think they are, Ticketmaster?
Why don’t you just wear it through customs and declare nothing?
Oh, it’s totally fine to bring it through in luggage, it’s just if you try to mail it that any of this applies. I guess the US government prefers that you travel to Hong Kong to buy stuff instead of ordering online or by mail. It’ll end up being cheaper even taking airfare and hotel into account.
Correct. And if they call you on it, take off your top and say, “See? It’s off the rack!”
Gurl, just stuff those pillowcases up your cooch! Look them dead in the eye and say “nothing to declare!”
‘cept your GENIUS obvs
Oscar Wilde did that, and apparently he was the first person to do that because it wasn’t yet considered a smartass cliche thing to do yet!
I know this, but only from the Kids In The Hall “desert island” sketch.
I am gonna bring back SO MANY TEXTILES from Singapore next week, just on principle. Want me to smuggle in a few fitted sheets for ya?
No, but I do want you to go to the bar of the Raffles hotel, and have a Singapore Sling whilst acting mysterious. That’s a bucket list thing for me, and I don’t think it’s in the cards. Give me a vicarious thrill!
I did that once in 2007, but will happily do it again!
Companies that call their employees “teammates” should have their executives publicly skullfucked.
“Team Leader” is a phrase that has always puzzled and annoyed.
Jesus fuck that drives me insane.
I don’t want you to think of me as a “boss” just because I can fire you because I don’t like the colour of your shirt.
“We’re more like a family. In that there is rampant psychological abuse and unhealthy power dynamics.”
I really wanted to see Flo get with the John guy. I guess her heart just belongs to Progressive.
Is it the Big variety?
The Biggest. And the last.
Nice to see so many ‘Truther supporters wearing Horse Cock Lock’s jersey, even though he’s out with the #NuAIDS.
Strawberry Fields is a (slightly) less shitty Tim Tebow. Could clock his reads with a fucking sundial.
It’s not cool to mock dyslexic people for being unable to make reads.
“Yeah, but how is he at circumcisions, huh?” — Tim T., Phillippines
MAN, I winced just THINKING about a backwards circumcision…
Like they sew it back on?
maybe inside out, too
What the Bearistocrats! WR corps lacks in quality, they make up for in name amusement.
Speaking of-I hope Racey McMath becomes a significant variable in the Titans passing game.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvXRaSvxmqg
RIP
Don’t forget to get your Slayer shirt.
Today I had to fill out a form from Customs and Border Patrol identifying myself as an “importer” because I bought some silk pillowcases from China and customs won’t release my package to FedEx without it. I think I’m also going to have to pay cash on delivery to cover customs fees, even though I’m wayyy under the threshold for having to pay duty. Tell me again how we have free trade and unrestricted capitalism? I should take up smuggling for fun and profit!
hey everybody, Dok is bringing Silk Road back!!!
I think those other places have to agree to the free trade business. You can probably buy anything from Delaware duty free, no?
Also, buying from China is bad, you should support your local silkworms, blah blah GMO blah
Those kids aren’t going to work themselves to death by themselves…
This is entirely imposed by the US government for the sole purpose of being a pain in the ass. There is zero economically valid reason to have import controls on small, personal shipments of consumer goods.
Well you can’t give free access without reciprocation.
What incentive would the sneaky Canadians have for giving up their goddamn dairy cartel if the USA didn’t force the issue? I don’t blame those Wisconsonites for not giving us their milk goods if we don’t do the same.
I’ve never seen a single piece of American-made cheese in my life. Except for those times I was in the States. How ridiculous is that?
Maybe you should have thought about that before burning down our White House.
Well hindsight is 20/20. I have a feeling the Americans just retreated once they saw their “conquest”’would be mostly frozen tundra and mosquito-ridden lakes.
Just how many pillows do you have? Apparently enough to stuff a few suitcases?
Four pillowcases, 2 flat sheets, 1 fitted sheet, and a comforter cover. That’s what CBP is making such a big fuss about. Apparently they all sleep in caves and use rocks for pillows, there’s no other way they could find this unusual.
“Can’t believe you passed up on our ‘buy 4 pillows, get an insurrection for free’ special.” — Mike Lindell
Bowling team names? Not sure if curling is a go but bowling is locked in for me this year.
It’s a mixed league so my choice of “Gutterfingers” is probably not going to pass muster.
My other ideas:
Logjammers
Pinpushers
Easy rollers
Sticky fingers
2 Up the Front, 1 Up the Back?
I let the ball decide what goes where. Only true digital-orificial symmetry will yield the turkeys I desire.
The Ted Strikers?
I’m looking up Ted striker now. If this a reference from after 2004 I’ll need explanations.
Airplane! Damn, I should’ve got that.
Oh, that’s good.
Spare Ribs
— A. Reid
Ooh that’s good. I think I’d get along swimmingly with coach Reid.
Are we doing a fantasy football team names post?
That’s a good idea. Might have to do a ranked ballot or some sort of at-large vote swapping seminar to determine the winner.
I bowl in a Heavy Metal bowling league, we usually go with Bowlhemoth. Pincantation is pretty strong too.
Have you ever heard of Three inches of blood or Zimmers hole?
Now THIS is a story we need to hear!
It’s only Preseason but I see Thursday Night Football is in mid-season form.
So I see while looking up deshaun Watson memes to insult my browns fan friend that he’s dating Mia Khalifa, yeah? And Jimmy boy down in San Fran was dating some other pro whore too.
If you’re an NFL QB why would you romance someone you could book for an hour at union rates? And not have to have your mom watch everyone at Christmas dinner look up her son’s date on pornhub? I’m sure there are filthy women they could date that haven’t had their genitalia inspected at a microscopic level by every Tom, Dick, and Harry in the world.
It’s almost like large men who willingly absorb repeated head trauma for a living…don’t always make the best life decisions.
That’s a good point. I only did it for 10 years but wait. What? You’re right, I should shoot to death all my loved ones right now.
I hear tell a certain Prairie Wino been practically asking for it! 😀
His sister would kill him, leaving her with Decilitre and Oxipug alone.
This is true. You’re safe because I would not hazard a try at her.
My theory would be that you’d like to try out some of the crazy stuff you saw in porn, but you know that a regular woman would be way too skeezed out to do.
Like you could pretend to have her steal some lemons from a tree in your yard or something.
And you know that’s a paddlin’
Could be. But I imagine a lot of the women a star athathete picks up would be willing to do a lot of stuff. Not like those prudes that keep tempting me by wandering the streets alone at night.
It’s a very unsubtle way of sending the message that they are manly and having lots of sex, and btw they are so good at sex that they can satisfy professional ladies because those ladies aren’t dating them because of the money, nuh uh, it’s because of how awesome they clearly are at sex.
I thought it was cause he’s a weird guy and a weird looking guy and now that he’s rich he thinks he can take what he wants but he wouldn’t have to take it if he wasn’t still a weird dude with no social skills.
He looks like a goddamn meseeks. Or maybe something else from that show but same idea.
Seatruthers have Drew Lock and Gino Smith as their QBs? They should be handing out some top quality cannabis at home games
SeaTruthers 6-win projection is proof of just how awful the NFC is.
Are you guarding yourself for the Donks Woo! 6 win season?
#BastardManFishTosser
They never get any respect. I think they projected 6 in ‘20, too.
The talking heads said the NFC was weaker last year, too. Then the Bengals showed up for the longest game in history.
.