Are you ready for a great year? It’ll be kinda difficult to top last year although as a Giants fan I can see some areas for improvement. Each team is facing questions as the season opens so let’s do a wee bit of that for the intros.
To The Games!
Saints/Falcons:
Will Jameis Winston be able to cut down his interceptions again this year? In seven games last year he only threw 4! He usually runs at a 1/1.5 per game rate. It looks as though Michael Thomas is a game-timer leaning towards starting although I’m sure he’ll be on a snap count-as are all players that are composed of balsa wood. Will he make it to the end of the third quarter? Will Drake London win Offensive Rookie of the Year? After Pitts there’s nothing to the Falcons passing game.
Niners/Bears:
When will The Unloading of Jimmy G finally occur? Will Lance get pulled if his play turns out to be sloppy? Camp observers say that rocket of an arm has a barely-functioning guidance system. Will the Bears offense be watchable?
Steelers/Cincy:
Will the Steelers wait until after the bye week to run The Pickett Fence? Oh wait, that’s a Hoosiers movie reference. I’ll leave the Pickett’s Charge jokes to you Civil War fans. The Bengali’s o-line has been addressed-will it be a cohesive unit though? Experience tells me these things take a bit of time. Is Cincy’s wr corps the best in the NFL? I lean towards ‘yes’.
Eagles/Lions:
Are the Eagles going to continue their slap-happy, run-all-day ways? Will Miles Sanders ever be a real threat to cross the goal line? Dan Campbell still has the hearts and minds of his players-will this actually translate into wins though?
Pats/Fins:
Does any fantasy fella want any part of New England’s O? I vote “No!”. Will they be able to improve on their 2-7 record in Miami? What will a Mikey McDaniel’s O actually look like? Is Gesicki on the outs?
Ravens/Jets:
Will Hallmark create another sub-genre, this one being “Gently Aging Cougar-ish Women That Chase After Football Players”? My erect nipples indicate that I would watch the hell out of that. Will Flacco put Hippo to sleep mid-game? You know the answer. Outside of Bateman and Edwards, will anyone catch a damn ball?
Jags/Commies:
Is the Meyers addition by subtraction gambit gonna lead to some W’s? How many gallons of sewage water will pour onto fans this week? What will Snyder charge per gallon?
Browns/Panthers:
Are you nuts? Picking McCaffrey first overall? Just throw your draft away, why don’t you? The Browns have some fantastic pieces of talent sprinkled throughout their roster but don’t you feel that The Watson Debacle has cast a shadow over the organization?
Colts/Texans:
Will Ryan have a career-rejuvenating year or will the wheels fall off? Their is no in-between. Will my prediction of Davis Mills throwing 30 TD’s bear fruit? Botanists everywhere hold their breath.
That’s the early games. Do a thing with your digits down below.
In important news:
https://www.tweaktown.com/news/88364/elon-musk-agrees-chess-champion-cheated-used-anal-beads-for-comms/index.html
Tee Higgins is HeadDed. No flag, of course.
Hippo!
ticker cant decide how bad the bears are
Infinite Bearistocrats!
No, that’s right Terrible Bears Defense…
KHuntDOWN!!!
Okay, a seven point lead should be more than enough for SF to lock this one down. I’m changing the channel to PIT/CIN.
insurmountable lead in sf/chi
San Francisco LOVES when they get to rough up some wet bears.
Pretty rare FOAR a Twink to be a top ,, ppl forget that
Cincinnati back… on their heals
Deebo has six.
Wooooooooo Najee!
Annual reminder that Coach Epps is a goddamned genius
And a handsome and stylish man!
if he can get a decent job out of Trubisky he deserves coach of the year
Inshallah, homey
Touchdown Fins defense!
I haven’t seen a strip like that since the last time I went to the Spearmint Rhino
Ingramdown! for the Fins.
TJ Watt appears to have eaten his Wheaties today.
The Bears didn’t get proper consent from the ball before that last play
Oh hell yes TJ!
Bears Coach staff
“Let’s run the ball”
“But sir it hasn’t worked yet”
“Exactly…. The defense won’t expect it!”
So Fox’s broadcast is just including the score bug and occasional stats about this particular game, but no scrolling league scores or fantasy stuff. I gotta say, I really prefer it. I can look all that other stuff up elsewhere; don’t need it cluttering up the screen.
It is weird how far behind the broadcasts are from each other.
Antenna is earlier than cable/stream is earlier than RedZone. I think the difference is almost a minute!
“Huh, he’s black?”
-Me, every time I see Chase Edmonds
Ravens front office making sure Lamar has a mediocre season by giving him no help of offense.
Only TD passes so far – Dakota Jeebus and Burrow (OG)
justin fields is on pace to get sacked 60 times
“Lucky guy!”
-Joe B., Cincinnati
“You can’t get sacked if you’re on IR.”
-Bengals Offensive Line
Oh, so now the Bengals defense does a Goal Line Stand?
ah, the first nfl on fox injury music jingle
Flacco tackles about like you’d expect.
I don’t think that I can watch much more of this 49ers/Bears game. It’s uglier than a Christmas ham that wished it could become a real boy.
You are being really unfair to Andy Reid
Cincy o-line? Still un-cromulent.
Ironically, it looks like the two home-grown linemen that are trying to get Burrow dead.
Maybe he should take them the o-line to dinner somewhere other than Arby’s.
perhaps the N-GCp had some idea what they were doing, letting Murder Guy go?
“its his first catch of the season”
(was a handoff)
Waivers hint – Taysom Hill may qualify as a TE in your league…
You’re a genius
Lance overthrew a wide open tight end-the camp reports of a lively arm seeking some sort of direction appear to be correct.
When in Chicago…
Scott Frost has been fired. I think 14 mil was the buy out
Can I do the obligatory, “I wish I sucked at my job that much!” comment?
Fuck! That’s $14 million in taxpayer money that could have been spent on conversion therapy!
Is Detroit the only team to score a TD so far?
Oh god, this really is the Mirror Universe.
stillers and commies
Now Taysom Hill.
Empress Hoshi is coming.
I understood that reference. – YouTube
I have food, drink, the wife is out of the house, and the NFL is one. Life is tolerable.
This cocktail I’m drinking has campfire bitters in it. I think I need to pick some of these up…
Ben Shapiro’s wife just ran out onto the field in Chicago. “This is the first time I’ve been wet since college!” she cried as security dragged her away.
Know what I love? Watching FGs and knowing they have no goddamned impact on my fantasy matchups
Before we’re done with your league we’ll turn it into a qb flex. We just have to take baby steps.
Just a routine 59-yard FG in the rain.
name the mission to uranus https://twitter.com/nycsouthpaw/status/1569011802775719938
Charmin
The Red Army pushes back, comrades
Sup. Are the Bears losing yet?
They certainly are not winning
Jesus Christ this broadcast crew on Fox is blind. He bobbled it out of bounds, it’s incomplete. SF shouldn’t have had to challenge that.
I feel like it was dumb to challenge a 4 yrs gain
It was; they shouldn’t have had to.
They should dress McDniel such to make him seem Blacker
Wanna try again, Joe?
First Peanut Punch reference of the year!
That sounds like something Ndamukong Suh would do to someone.
Those unfamiliar Peanut Punch is
1 1/2 ounces Screwball Whiskey
1/2 ounce Chocolate Liqueur, preferably Meletti Chocolate Liqueur
1/4 ounce Caramel Syrup, such as Monin or Torani
1 drop pure vanilla extract
1 1/2 ounces half and half
Caramel sauce for rim
Crushed peanuts for rim
Cocoa for dusting
That’s a “one sip and I’m done” kinda beverage.
So before kickoff I saw a tweet about how horrific the field conditions in Chicago were. Put my 49ers player on the bench and said “hey, I should see if SF’s defense is available, probably gonna be lots of fumbles today”, which I did only to discover that they were not. Never for a single second – and I swear on the dead Queen’s grave this is true – did it occur to me to consider picking up the Bears defense.
She’s not in her grave yet. I think she’s in Edinburgh.
Hmm. I’d swear it on Ivanna Trump’s grave, but I’m pretty sure there’s no actual body down there, just a bunch of classified documents.
I always had a feeling last season was but a dream.
I mean, it’s 5 minutes into the season.
Jaguras AND Fuck LioUns lead. This is not a drill.
This rainy Bears field is not helping the case to keep the team downtown. Their shitty defence just exacerbates the problem.
bear.org, nice.