I’m ready for more-let’s dig in.
Jets/Browns:
If Cleveland wins their home opener they’ll be 2-0 for the first time since Islamic fundamentalists tried to bomb the World Trade center for the first time. Symmetry! Those that invested a high draft pick in Breece Hall might not have been happy with his mere 12 touches. Might be a while before he dominates this timeshare, if he does.
Commies/Lions:
It was just the Jags but Wentz went for 4 TD’s last week. (accompanied by the usual 2 INTs, of course) Might Dotson be the real thing? If so, the one-two punch of he and McLaurin might provide a wee bit of hope for a certain kind of Sewage Water Sucker.
Bucs/Saints:
According to TMZ, Brady is being cock-blocked in New Orleans and at home these days, though in different ways. Tom must hate that Saints D almost as much as he despises tomatoes. (can’t help throwing a little nightshade at him)
Panthers/Giants:
CMC owners weren’t happy with the paltry number of touches their guy got last week. Don’t worry though, as the losses pile up and his job starts to slip away, Rhule will no doubt over-use him to the point of breakage. Ta Da! Speaking of, Injurious Toney (stolen) tweaked a hammy on the plane trip back from Tennessee last week. Saquon looked like his old 2018 self for the very first time last week. The Burst is back, baby!
Pats/Steelers:
Tomlin is somehow going to get the Steelers above .500 this year, isn’t he? Well, if it part of that journey includes a win over New England today, I’ll be booking a first class ticket. Keep those Bellini’s coming, good sir!
Colts/Jags:
A small part of me cheers for the Jags simply because I hate that festering wound of a human by the name of Urban Meyer. However, there’s no stopping JT today-his ypc average vs. Jack Town is a gaudy 6.8.
Fins/Raven:
I do like the way new coach MacDonald carries himself and I do like the play-calling that was done last week against the Pats. Seems like Waddle has been replaced as The Target Monster by Tyreek, targets being 12-5 and all. Though I would think that it somewhat evens out as the season progresses. Say a prayer for Gesicki’s fantasy relevance-he just isn’t a good fit in this offense.
Apparently there’s an in-house Derby in soccerland going down this morning. Enjoy.
Dakota Jeebus safety dance? YA!
Detroit offense is gashing the commie D. Having trouble finishing drives though. There’s dick jokes in there but its probably not worth the trip.
Lions stalled in the redzone like a Ford Malibu on I-75
Pats D against Bollo del Verdad, my only good play of the week
Najee with a grand total of 2(!) yards rushing.
I took the Stillers & the 3 at home. Seemed smart at the time…
https://youtu.be/aICejwy7AlM
Saw a commercial for LiquidIV. It’s got ‘lectrolytes in it!
So last week I had success watching games via an emulator with NFL+. This week, watching on my actual phone, the app seems to think I am not on a phone and refuses to play local games. I still get the national game, but nothing else.
Moral of this story: Rip off the NFL however you can, because being dishonest is so ingrained in their culture that it’s the only way shit actually works
https://twitter.com/brandonleuschel/status/1571530270721077248
I’m just gonna say it: we need more drone strike on NFL tailgate parties.
Ew. Yet another reason to never go to Cleveland.
Me, relaxing for a few moments before having to get cleaned and dressed up
stranger, knocking on my front door: “Hi, do you know anything about these cows in the road? I don’t want anyone to hit them.”
Me: “Yeah, they’re my asshole neighbors and they’ve been on the loose for 6 days now. I will pay you $100 per animal you hit, then represent you for free when you sue him.”
You get to use the Andy Reid Defense, and lots of free ground chuck!
“And to celebrate our win we’ll co-host a big ass BBQ. You in?”
May I suggest some add-ons for your next automotive purchase?
Ref for Yinzers-Pats is a land shark.
/taps earpiece
I’m sorry. “Land Clark.” The referee is “Land Clark.”
Clarknado!
yeah, Balls is deflowering me roughly in Vodka league. OY
Theme song for the matchup.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2twY8YQYDBE&ab_channel=TalkingHeads
I have to say this-I think maybe Daboll could hold his own against Andy in a rib eating contest. I think he could at least make it to the top of the fourth hour.
I would pay to see this.
Mike McCarty looks like he could stack some bones as well.
“Bone Stacker” must be his gaming handle.
On-line Rando: “You rack up those kills, huh?”
Daboll: “Yeah, kinda.”
Dimebag is who we thought he was. But I guess he at least no FUMBRE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sjrGqUtNto&ab_channel=AmericanSpyFox
Awesome?
I’ve never done this before but I will be tracking mock 2023 drafts throughout the season.
It’s always so nice to take a few moments and just bask in the glory of Trubisky running majestically through the defense.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzRE2rUw3cc
My favorite sports quote of all time was when someone said Bernie Kosar ran “like a giraffe on Quaaludes.”
If CBS was going to broadcast shitty football the least they could have done was put on CLE-NYJ. At least that would be amusing. This is just dull.
bi-curious #ThePauls swinging back towards Chubb this week. DAMN YEW says the KHunt owner
Even with those killer WRs, Tua is just a wet bag of shit
I was gonna reserve judgement for a few more games but he doesn’t look very good.
Another Giants D turnover. I haven’t seen them swarm tackle like this in years.
Got the yard mowed and an AC out and cleaned for storage for next year, with a good 15 minutes to watch sportsball before having to get out of here.
I am moving with the sort of efficiency Mrs. Dr. Deadly Esq. (ret.) is going to demand of Rikki about 8 minutes into the 4th quarter of the early games.
Whoa. You didn’t get your wife to do it yesterday?
/damn right, I’m milking my recent surgery
Pop a pill every time Los Gigantes do a good!
Wink Martindale asked the crowd to make some noise for the game-reminded me of this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXvrWeQU0g&ab_channel=CNN
when ah say WHITE, u say MAC!
Is Freiermuth a German name? If so, you’d think he’d avoid wearing the number 88.
perhaps he’s Austriian instead?
Chuba can has boo-boo
LOLfins
they’s suffocating on the beach this week
To follow up on my joke from Thursday night:
If a QB someone completed a 99 yard touchdown pass to himself, would that be the most fantays points one could get as an individual on a single play? I’m not counting bonuses for going over a certain amount of yards in a game, just 1 play
Money league opponent left Dobbins in his lineup WOO!!
/hoping he forgets to sub out Kittle too
//watch him beat me 7 on 9
Oh that’s annoying. “The never been beaten in history Washington Commanders”
If only a name change wiped away history there would be a lot of people headed to the courthouse. Or moving to Scotland where you don’t have to do anything other than start calling yourself something different to legally change your name
if the commies go 2-0, y’all might get an Uncle Joe pic in the morn!
pre-kick pee time, HAIL REDZONE
fed the cat, back at 0:08!
Cue triumphant Redzone music!
https://twitter.com/iarentspartacus/status/1571124052059881480?s=20&t=LcrRPTILLjjaR7QjrukbQw
The traditional strip tease of mourning?
You’ve got to WANT it!
If you’re a monarcho-necrophiliac, you’ve waited a long time for this moment.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME VACUUMING?
Right before kickoff, LOVE THE PASSIVE AGGRESSION HUSTLE!
Cowboys dont play until 1:30
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dtyY38QEOOM
https://twitter.com/landbutcher/status/1571151757476253696?s=20&t=LcrRPTILLjjaR7QjrukbQw
This state is fucking embarrassing. This is actually in my district. Even though she’s a Utah R, I think she’s gonna get waxed. This is fucking cringe.
That’s fantastic. She got more rhymes than a Target’s got moms.
mmmmmm, yoga pant-wearing Target moms
Oof! Gabe Davis unlikely to play?
I’m going to cook my pot roast for 9 hours instead of 8, because I am a rebel!
You roast that pot or pot that roast however you want!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31A6RjOxE74
I too lead a reckless life. 3 minute egg? Try 4 pal…
Whoa. Don’t chicken out at 8 and a half. Push that limit!
Morning Lizard People
Sure is nice to get back to a regular Football Sunday pattern again.
I am going to miss the early games this week, have to pick up my kid at the Verona airport. Late games are past my bedtime over here so let me know what happens. I will keep my eyes pealed for Juliet.
Or one of the current family members
Mama mia!!
BRETT: Fetch me my longsword…
DEANNA: [snickers]
Her parents hired a really bad au pair
It’s a tad windy down here. But the emergency plan is working great. The FF lineups were checked and the power generator will debut around 3:30 PM, to catch Red Zone when it starts to get intense.
Let’s see, 12 M, time for… Bake and nap!
Will do.
Stay safe
HQ is on the yella part surrounded by green. Like Dustin Hoffman said in Wag the Dog, “This is nothinG”
Who is this bitch?
Or dick.
damn Libtards!
Fiona
[Edited for DFO]
[Via my cousin, which = full frontal + shit grammar]
Odd game day since my team doesn’t play until tomorrow. I can accomplish many errands, make my weekly vegan soup AND enjoy the games as a random fan.
Sounds like fun.
I will be around for the early games and maybe the night game. During the late games I will be getting joint b-day dinner for my mother and me with my parents at the Inn at Little Washington, which should be fantastic. They have a farm with all the cute little tasty critters to eat right next door!
Happy birthday
Thanks!
Woooo, another September baby!
Is that a birthday mofongo? Awesome!
That looks amazing
Buon compleanno!
Congrats on your latest lap around Sol.
It may not be the best strategy, but it is very satisfying benching Brady for Wentz of all people. I imagine myself wearing a hoodie and yelling at him to “Sit your Himalyan pink salty ass down and do some kegels, cause you ain’t playing today!”
Not to sound cynical but all this public Tom/Gisele bs reeks of a long setup for, “…and coming this Thursday after the Suoer Bowl is the world premiere of ‘Tom and Gisele: A Reality Corporation”‘c
He absolutely just wants people talking about him. Bitchy little diva motherfucker.
En route to Bora Bora, I have like a 13 hour weekday layover at LAX waiting for my red eye on Tahiti Air. Wife is turning 40 for the trip but I’m just a couple months behind and am surely NOT getting the celebration she is.
As a great writer — which you all already know — I’d like to secure myself a top shelf writing instrument; namely, a pen. I assume LA has awesome independent pen stores. Which should I hit?
Hudson news. I was just there yesterday and they satisfied all of my stationary desires.
I’d like you to do a post about your ambulatory desires.
A “Boots on the Ground” if you will.
Promotional pen. Yoink!
Times like this, I wish I smoked.
Well, you smoked Rum Ham. We’re getting fucking relegated for sure, and it sucks.
Can’t freebase something?
You could fake smoke some candy cigarettes like we did as kids, and light them with pez dispensers, as you do
You have to make a hole for the candy cig in your wax lips first. Then you are glamorous AF!
This seems like someone should have put more thought into it:
https://twitter.com/Lowkey0nline/status/1571488009970716673
I will be away from the football this afternoon as I, (and I am not kidding), attending a ceremony in which my best friend is being installed as the permanent minister for his congregation.
Am I proud of him and all he’s accomplished? Yes. Am I also trying to figure out a way to work ‘Inshallah it shall be done’ somewhere into my remarks? Also yes.
Also I’m missing the Cowboys game, which if we’re being honest is probably a blessing in and of itself.
That’s the great thing about Inshallah, you can use it anywhere!
Well, not in the city of Shallah. They have a very poor sense of humor about that.
If you’re bored waiting for football to start, go enjoy the responses to this VF profile of Democratic consultant Lis Smith.
The dog one is probably my favorite but many others are equally good.
https://mobile.twitter.com/joehagansays/status/1571174884826300418
I heard recently that Marc Trestman was looking into coaching soccer.
https://www.espn.com/soccer/arsenal-engarsenal/story/4749368/arsenals-ethan-nwaneri-premier-leagues-youngest-player-at-15
My word! Should Trestman secure a coaching job, do you think that Jerry Sandusky would be interested in becoming the team’s technical director?
What the fuck, CBS?
Oh, sorry. The red is the Cincinnati-Dallas game, the blue is the Vegas-Arizona game.
Red is obviously Cowboys and Blue is Cardinal [Red]s.
Ah, looking forward to another day of idly watching the games until they reach the fourth quarter at which point the Dr. Mrs. will think of some urgent chore that she needs me to do immediately.
oh yeah, that is familiar (despite my being divorced like 13-14 years now)
Well, at least you know it won’t be vacuuming. That being her wheelhouse and all.
Here’s a phrase that’s worked for me: “Yes, later.”
“Oh but you’d do it so much better….”
“I need to let them soak”
“But they just dried!”
“In air, they need to soak in air first”
Here I am taking an Old Man shit while it’s still dark and I notice the Arsenal game is already OVER.
Fuck, it’s early!
It doesn’t surprise me one bit, my ball-coveting colleague! The King’s Finest do their best work at or just before dawn — just ask the French Canadian generals involved in the Battle of the Plains of Abraham in 1759! A truly decisive British triumph, that was!
This is an outstanding comment.
I just saw that Herm lost to Eastern Fookin’ Michigan last night. Good God, that’s funny.
Great previews as always, scotchy!
Merci. There’s some lookers playing in this Aston Villa/Man City Women’s Super League tilt.
/my heart will always be with Beckie though.
Kaylyn slays them all. Tidy on the ball, too. PHRASING