The first two weeks of an NFL season always seem kind of random to me (even if 2022 has taken that to a way higher level), but Week 3 has always been nut-cutting time.  The 0-2 can get off the mat, the “Week 1 winners that go 1-2” (ahem, cough…Commies) start to look like the clownfrauds we expected, yada yada.

I also had a migraine and my attention span was like 60% (and less for the late thread, because fuck The Narrative).  Caveat emptor, MOAR than usual.

It started like the expected shootout, but LOLfins/Bills Mafia melted into the Southern Florida swampass.  Good, interesting game, but only 7-5 in the 2nd half.  It was 104 degrees on the pitch, and this was a very high-energy game.  Buffalo trailed for the first time this season at 21-17, but had ample chances to win (partially due to BLEERGH, partially Brokeback being a slippery fuck to tackle).  But they stalled at the 2, with a 4th down pass underthrown.  Three runs, and Miami would punt with only like 45-50 seconds on the clock.

Except they rushed twice for -1, then, for reasons unknown to man (or Hippo), the dumb shits PASSED on 3rd and 11.  I guess they thought it was an easy throw to the flat, but half-ded (he left for a series or two) Tua still missed it.  So, a punt with 1:34 instead.  And the shortened long snap would result in Most Glorious Butt Punt.

This link will likely get removed, but you’ve surely seen it by now.  Luckily for Miami, it went out the back for 2.  Which buys you at least 25-30 yards in field position (that’s  gracious, because punts from the 1 are frequently short or shanked), though a FG now beats you.  I was already thinking an intentional safety could be mathematically favourable (though nobody would dare try it).  And it played out that way, with Allen again trying to make magic, but the last Houdini play got stopped in bounds at Miami’s 41, and took a second or two too long to get the spike done.  Bass-o-Matic had belied his name already today, so not like a 60-yarder would have been better than a 15% chance anyway.

Anyway, good game.  Y’all get some IVs going.

Minny/Detroit was similarly fun, but really – the LioUns choked.  Ahead by 3, they couldn’t salt the game away, and faced 4th and 4 from the 36.  They opted for the long FG (should have gone for it), missed, and the Vikes got the winning TD easily.  Dingleberry was awful, but he got second and third chances galore – and finally cashed in.  28-24, bad guys.

DonT’s One Magnificant Tits perked up a bit, at least before Q4.  Emo Carr had some red zone oopsie-doodles, but still cut the 24-13 lead to two with a 4th down and goal TD throw.  But the two-pointer is no good, and 24-22 is your final (after onside kick recovery).  El Tractorcito got untracked finally, and Tanny Fanny didn’t quite fuck things up.  Josh McDaniels is 0-3, which is very pleasing to Donks-ville.  And Hippo, obvs.

Chi**** lost their top RB to injury, and Strawberry Fields was 8/17 for 106 yards and 2 pickerceptions.  He took FIVE sacks.  Yes, that’s just ONE completion more than his sacks+INT.  At HOME, in good weather.

The Beartocrats STILL won, 23-20, and sit at 2-1, somehow.  Jesus, 500s.  I know you don’t really exist, but that’s some bullshit.  In Hobo Lovie Smith’s revenge game, no less!

Another fantasy bonanza for Lamar!, and another Ratbirds shootout.  But this week, they don’t blow it.  What can you say about the (now crippled) Legend of White Mac – he’s no Tua.  I guess Bama fans already knew that?  Anyway, he got gaudy yardage numbers, and a rushing score – but 3 pickerceptions killed their chances.  37-26 Balmer, they get 2-1 to the P*ts 1-2.

I remember absolutely nothing about Cincy/Jest, except that Beatie Mixon did fuckshit.  Life is better when you don’t check fantasy scores.  Workmanlike 27-12 win for the WKRP crew, and they have life again.

Philly tried really hard for the clean sheet, but coughed up a Q4 safety to see their lead sliced to 24-2.  A garbage time TD and failed 2-pointer gives us 24-8, and Dakota Jeebus is back to a turd again.  It’s almost like he’s too old to ever be any better than what he’s been the past few seasons.  Which is, after all…a turd.  Are the Iggles the best team in the NFC?  Surely remarkably good for the Special Needs Division.

I almost entirely forgot about the upset of the day – Matty Ice started with a 4-yard TD drive, ended with a more impressive 76-yarder for a 20-17 win over the Chefs.  Jelani Woods (who????) caught both scores for the Humps.  Prison Girlfriend was a bridge too far, but the Colts’ defense kept Pat Mahomes well in check.  I mean, shit doesn’t have to make sense, let’s just roll with it, eh?

I remember less about Saints/Black Panthers than CIN/NYJ.  But Charlotte’s finest actually WON?  Huh, did not see that one coming.  But in black and white, 22-14.  Bitchin’ Kamara played, but badly (including an early fumble six which I guess was the winning margin-ish.  Baker Baker, the Turnover Maker’s “winning” line would be shocking, had Strawberry Fields not bailed him out.  But 12/25 for 170 (almost half on a 67-yarder to Laviska Shenault running after a short completion – hail to the ghost from waiver wires past) ain’t getting one a 2nd contract, that’s for sure.  Not as a starter, anyway.

4 games in the late window, including the knob-slobbering in MRSA’s Taint.  All that comes to mind is the terrifying, pre-game bee swarm on one goalpost.  Yeah, that will be nightmare fuel for quite some time.  As for the game, Dreamboat and his MRSA-mates finally ran out of their bullshit luck.  Not that the Packers and the zebras didn’t keep Tampa around, lingering like a cabbage fart.  This shitty game was 14-6 for an eternity, until MRSA Dreamboat dinked and dunked down the pitch against a soft prevent.  14-12, but the bitchy prima donna got a DELAY OF GAME on the two, followed by an incompletion and failed onsider.  14-12, Bay of Green and slightly less hated QB.

Falcons/Truthers might have been the most entertaining fixture, because both squadrons are equally shit (but with skill players who are trying).  Both traded turnovers late, with Atlanta holding on for the 27-23 road victory.  That Week 1 Donks loss is gonna keep looking uglier and uglier.

Goddamnit, I knew I should have started Evan Engram.  The Clearisil Kid played, but he really shouldn’t have.  And his idiot coach left him IN THE GAME, down 4 scores with 5 minutes to play.  Seriously, he should be fired before leaving the field, that’s just unconscionably stupid.  Jaguras break a fucking EIGHTEEN GAME road losing streak, beating Los Clippers du Merde, 38-10.  Eat all the shit, Urban Meyer.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! went to the desert, and proved that not all has been consumed by the Chaos Gods.  A very workmanlike, “contain Wee Kyler” 20-12 win.  Fat kicker made 4 placements for the Qards, but the end zone was never sniffed.  Aaron Donald got his 100th sack, and remains a force of nature.

I have developed a nast habit of half-assing SNF, but with my Donks (WOO!!!!) hosting the Tomsulas, I paid as much attention as my feeble mind could manage.  If you really dig punt coverage, it was an amazing first half.  McManus at least got us off the zero, 7-3 at the break.  Q3 was full of fireworks, Janeane scored an Orlovsky, then McManus missed badly from 53.  7-5, seems pretty insurmountable.  We will talk about Q4 on Monday morning, I’mma close the ‘puter down.