Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 5, 2022 Season

So, what did everyone think?  Seems like the day really peaked early (apparently Q-aaron had a bitchy little fit in the locker room, even), then quickly ran out of steam.  Or maybe my hellscape nightmares are just beating me down.  Who fucking knows?

That said, nobody remains winless (seems early for that), not even the teams that don’t exist.  Perhaps our DUUUUUUVVVVVVAAAALLLLL enthusiasm was a bit overdone?  Or do the 500s just really have their number?  Really, it’s a 9-game winning streak.  Absurd.  Prison Girlfriend had an absolute mare, and Boris was right to warn of fearing “Chalk James Robinson.”  At 1-3-1, Houston is seriously back into the Surly Duff division race.  13-6 was your final.

Because Hippo is stupid, Hippo worried about starting a team defense against the high-scoring No-Fuck LioUns.  As that sentence hints, the “No-Fuck” is back, as the throwback uniformed P*ts got the 29-nil clean sheet, complete with defensive TD.  The Lost Zappa Brother completed 17 of 21 passes, which is basically a Grumbelord wet dream.  Especially if his mom is hot.  Baby Buster’s balloon bursts.  Yeesh.  They will need that upcoming bye week.

Why didn’t I lead with the London fixture?  Fuck if I know.  Bay of Green was rolling like a Burning Man attendee.  20-10 at the half, and it seemed like it could/should/would be worse than that.  Sure, Saquon made a few nice runs, but it was Dimebag and a bunch of practice squadders in the passing game.  If I told you Saquon would get banged up in the second half, you’d likely turn off the TV (if it wasn’t MANDATORY).

Los Gigantes won the second half, 17-2.  That lone Packers score came after a late defensive stand and a game/clock management masterclass by Daboll.  He did NOT risk handoffs, or having the ball stripped.  Shit, most coaches in the League don’t get that risk factoUr, even when they can bleed the clock completely dry.  Instead, three “mini-delayed” kneeldowns, and we have 15 seconds left, from the 3.  My favoUrite aspect then became the intentional safety, where they INTENTIONALLY got a holding penalty, buying the safety taker another second or two.  You don’t take any advantage for granted, however small.  I loved it.

But wait, now a TD beats you?  Who fucking cares.  Chaos is your enemy.  A forced fumble, a blocked punt.  After the free kick, the Packers had 7 seconds to work with.  From their own 40 (which got worse once they false started).  Absolute BEST case scenario is a quick slant to around midfield, an a Hail Mary attempt.  Instead, GB tried a 65-yard Hail Mary (yeah, Rodgers has one of those in his career, but you are talking a 1 in 1000 chance).  A world of difference from giving the Packers the ball back down 7, but with the ball on the plud side of the 50 and time for an additional play or two.

Most coaches don’t even THINK of that maths/game theory.  Daboll does and acted on it.  He is the coach of the most fraudulent 4-1 team in quite some time, which bodes very well for the future (when he has some talent to work with).  27-22, Gigantes.  Well fookin’ done!

The post-Charmslinger SeaTruthers aren’t much good, but you can’t say they are boring.  Another week, another shootout, another “Geno for MVP” meme tweeted (one assumes).  Alas, backup/gadget QB Taysom “Magic Undies” Hill ran for three scores, and threw for another.  HOLY SHIT.  10.7 YPA from Geno, still won’t overcome that.  39-32, Saints.

Karma for the attempted murder on Tua?  League grudgingly tightens the concussion protocols as a result, and the first “victim” is….Teddy Ballgame.  He had a scary head owie last season in Denver, I really worry about him (he’s a really good dude, by all accounts).  Anyway, K State rookie “I Fucked Ted” had to come in cold, and despite having a chance to take the lead (missed FG at 17-19) – the wheels came off the jalopy in Q4.  Jest 40, LOLfins 17.  Joisey B improves to 3-2, somehow.  Actually, maybe we do know how – Breece Hall is a monster, even if Michael Carter vultures him repeatedly.

As to the protocols, there is a simple way to alleviate the moronic pressure to keep injured players in the game – expand the damned rosters, already.

Fuck whiny bitchass MRSA Dreamboat, and fuck the officiating crew working that 21-15 “win.”  I shall mention them no further.

Was there a sense of wonder in Yinzburgh, with Uncle Jack (committing to the bit my wearing what looked like “Mickey Mouse hands” gloves) taking the reins.  Kid’s first start is in WNY, poor bastard.  Brokeback accounted for 4 TDs and about 2,000 yards in the first half, coasting to a 38-3 Bills Mafia win.  Only two fights made the 2nd half notable in any way.

Captain Dingleberry started the game 16 for 16, staking the Vikings to a 21-3 lead.  Over a team that doesn’t believe in the forward pass.  At home.  But lo, Dingleberry and Pals are who they are, and somehow Chi**** took a 22-21 lead in the 4th.  But Cousins actually made a few tough plays with his legs, and completed enough passes to get the decisive 8 points at the end.  I am never gonna be able to trust the Vikes, even at 4-1 with Justin Jefferson in full beast mode.

DonT’s Tits perked up a little more this week, overcoming their own offensive derpitude and some really bullshit officiating.  Despite having first and bullshit goal from the 2, Dakota Jeebus would not accept the gift.  A 3rd down, hideous pickerception seals a 21-17 loss for the Commies.  I dearly love lose/lose trades like the Humps/Commies QB shuffle.  Also, someone in your league will pick up Dynami Brown off waivers.  He won’t catch another pass all season.  El Tractorcito?  He tractored.  DUH.

Words fail to describe the stupid chaos in Believeland.  Ultimately, it was #ThePauls who Pauled last/best, losing at home 30-28.  First, Jacoby Brissett forced a bad red zone INT – when a FG takes the lead.  Sure, you try for more, but you have to be smart with it.  Brissett wasn’t.  But trying to run the clock out, Clippers du Merde faced 4th and 2 from their own side of the 50, with like 1:14 left.

Yeah, sure.  Your defense had given up 28 on the day, and your QB is your best player.  But it’s 2 YARDS, not feet or inches.  And CLE was out of timeouts, and much more comfortable running the ball.  You give them the ball inside their 20, with 65-70 seconds?  That’s got to be at least 80-85% odds of winning.  4th and 2 is basically a coin flip.  And the pass fell incomplete.

But instead of getting 7-10 more yards and spiking the ball, #ThePauls tried a deep shot on 2nd down.  Which really fucked them over, as they could no longer run a play in the middle of the field, short of the marker.  You won’t even get the FG try off.  So, they basically throw the ball away on 3rd and 11, and settle for a 54-yard kick.  Which sailed wide right.  Which would have been good from closer in.  Some fucking dumb shit, or anti-Daboll, there.

Late window was hilarious, with away support at least a strong pluarilty in LA (Cowpersons), CLT (Tomsulas), and AZ (Iggles).  I get the latter two, but FFS – RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! just won a fucking Superb Owl?  What MOAR does Los Angeles want?  Were the Doyers playing or sommet?

Baker, Baker, the Turnover Maker.  Oy.  Will somebody please put Matt Rhule out of his misery?  This is just cruel now.  Deebo finally went to the touchdown place in Q3, which my poorly-managed fantasy side (Dave Gahan’s Collapsed Veins) appreciated.  Black Panthers defense really is at least competent, but this team is doomed and needs blowing up.  Just nothing works, offensively.  37-15 is your final, with PJ Harvey mopping up.

I still can’t believe the post-Week One evolution of the N-GCp.  A team that I thought looked doomed, even before ol’ Ham Head broke his thumb.  They’ve run off four on the spin, with impressive road victories against the Giants and now the defending Owl champions.  Aside from WAS, everyone in the Special Needs Division looks like a contender.  22-10, comfortable ‘Persons win from start to finish.

Speaking of contenders, take a bow, Philly.  5-0 will keep you in sole position of first place, even if not by a comfortable margin.  Some lousy/soft defense allowed Kooky Koach Kliff and his Quirky Qards to get back into it, tied at 17 with 9-ish minutes to play.  You like Old School FITBAW?  Watch that soul-killing Philly drive.  They faltered inside the 10, settling for 3 – but thanks to Wee Kyler not understanding the rules (sliding a yard short of the first, then spiking it to set up 4th and 1, forcing a missed placement attempt with 0:22 and a timeout still in their pocket), 3 would suffice.  20-17, yet another roller coaster ride in Glendale.  Looking for tarnishes on Philly?  Hurts rushing 15 times is very not sustainable.  But I suspect management understands this, and will adjust accordingly.

Last but not least, the battle for 3 wins and AFC North (temporary) supremacy.  Tis a Clubhouse Derby, with our beloved/angry Italian in one corner, and sage, reformed Republican magical pony in the other.  Don’t ask me to choose!  Cincy didn’t start playing until the back half of Q2, and after that we mostly got a slugfest.  Pretty good game, at least in the even quarters.  Neither team could get a stop late, with Balmer winning on a placement kick, 19-17.