INT. HOME OFFICE IN EVIL LAIR I MEAN WELL-APPOINTED MANSION – DAY

An older man is seated behind a large mahogany desk, his hands idly (and expertly) manipulating an ancient puzzle box while he stares at the ceiling. 

The intercom buzzes. MARK DAVIS punches the speaker button.

MARK DAVIS: HI I’M MARK DAVIS!

JANET: [via intercom] Coach McDaniels is here, Mr. Davis.

MARK DAVIS removes his white baseball cap and his expression changes.

MARK DAVIS: OKAY GOOD SEND HIM IN TO PLAY!

MARK DAVIS pulls open a drawer in his desk and sets the puzzle box inside.  He removes a Tonka truck and sets it on his desk, then closes the drawer.

— [door flies open] —

MARK DAVIS: [pushing the truck back and forth] HI I’M MARK DAVIS!

JOSH McDANIELS: Um, yes, Mark.  Thanks for seeing me.

MARK DAVIS: IT’S FUN TO SEE PEOPLE! I LIKE THAT WE GET TO SEE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY.

JOSH McDANIELS: About that…Mark, I have some news.  I hope it’s not upsetting to you.

MARK DAVIS: [looks apprehensive]

JOSH McDANIELS: I’m going to have to resign as head coach of the Las Vegas Raiders.

MARK DAVIS: IS IT BECAUSE OF ALL THE LOSING? I TOLD YOU IT’S OKAY TO LOSE AS LONG AS YOU TRY HARDER THE NEXT WEEK. AND THEN KEEP TRYING HARDER AND HARDER UNTIL WE WIN AND THEN KEEP TRYING THAT HARD FOREVER.

JOSH McDANIELS: I’m…not sure I’ve managed to communicate that to the players very well. We seem to be on the opposite trajectory, even though I’ve explained it to them repeatedly in terms [clenches jaw] even a fucking five year-old would understand.  [relaxes] But no, that’s not why I’m resigning.

MARK DAVIS: ARE YOU FINALLY GOING TO GO COACH THE COLTS LIKE YOU PROMISED TO DO FIVE YEARS AGO?

JOSH McDANIELS: Ha ha ha ha, no.  Though Jim Irsay did tell me all was forgiven after last week and made me an offer.  Take a look.

JOSH McDANIELS holds up his phone for MARK DAVIS to see.

MARK DAVIS: WOW THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY I CAN’T PAY YOU THAT MUCH MONEY.

JOSH McDANIELS: It’s not about the money.  Well, it’s sort of about the money.  Part of the offer I’m accepting is for them to buy me out of my contract with the Raiders.  So you’ll actually be saving some money here.

MARK DAVIS: OH WOW YOU ARE GOOD AT SAVING MONEY ARE YOU GOING TO WORK FOR A BANK?

JOSH McDANIELS: Ha ha ha ha, no.  Though an investment firm named FTX did make me a very generous offer. I don’t know the ins and outs of cryptocurrency at the moment, but I guess they figured I was smart enough to learn on the fly.  See?

MARK DAVIS: BITCOIN? I DON’T THINK I HAVE ANY OF THOSE KIND OF COINS IN MY BANK.

MARK DAVIS glances at a large pink piggy bank on a shelf behind him.  JOSH McDANIELS follows his gaze.

JOSH McDANIELS: Are those…teeth marks?

MARK DAVIS: [under his breath while still turned away] Yes, thank you ever so much Coach Reid. [turns to face Josh] I DON’T KNOW WHAT BITCOINS ARE – ARE THEY LIKE COOKIES?

JOSH McDANIELS: It’s just “bitcoin”, you don’t have to use the plural form…

MARK DAVIS looks at him blankly.

JOSH McDANIELS: …never mind.  Bitcoin are basically electronic money. You can spend them on fun things that are…hard to obtain using regular money.

MARK DAVIS: LIKE ITCHY AND SCRATCHY MONEY BUT ON A COMPUTER.

JOSH McDANIELS: Mmm…something like that, yes.  The coins are mined by what’s called a “proof-of-work” system, and everyone keeps track of which coins belong to who via something called the blockchain, which…you know what? You wouldn’t understand. It’s very complex.  The important thing is that everyone wants them…

MARK DAVIS: LIKE FUDGE?

JOSH McDANIELS: Come again?

MARK DAVIS: EVERYBODY WANTS FUDGE. IN FACT I WANT SOME FUDGE RIGHT NOW DO YOU WANT SOME FUDGE TOO COACH JOSH?

JOSH McDANIELS: No, thank you, Mark.  Anyways…

MARK DAVIS: [punches intercom] MISS JANET COULD YOU BRING IN SOME EVERYBODY WANTS FUDGE?

JANET: [via intercom] Right away, Mr. Davis.

MISS JANET steps into the office and discreetly sets an item down on the desk, which MARK DAVIS tears open and begins devouring.

MARK DAVIS: [through a mouthful of cookies] I SEE ALL THESE JOB OFFERS ARE COMING THROUGH TWITTER ARE YOU GOING TO BE THE PRESIDENT OF TWITTER?

JOSH McDANIELS: Funny you should mention that, because they made me an offer too! Check it out.

MARK DAVIS: WOW, YOU GOT A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF TWITTER AND ALSO MARS?

JOSH McDANIELS: I did!  But no, I won’t be President of Twitter.  I’ll be working on a different kind of Presidential campaign…a real one.

JOSH McDANIELS holds up his phone one last time.

MARK DAVIS: OH WOW THE BIGGEST LOSER I MEAN THE BIGGEST UM I MEAN THE FORMER PRESIDENT! WHAT AN HONOR!

JOSH McDANIELS: Yeah I thought he was banned from twitter but I guess Elon Musk let him have his realDonaldTrurnp account back.

MARK DAVIS: WOW SO MANY SMART GUYS OFFERING YOU JOBS ON TWITTER IT LOOKS LIKE I’VE BEEN OUTFOXED OH WELL ANYHOW I GUESS ALL WE NEED NOW IS FOR YOU TO SIGN SOME PAPERWORK TO TERMINATE OUR BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP. [punches intercom] MISS JANET WOULD YOU BRING IN THAT CONTRACT RELEASE FOR COACH JOSH?

JANET: [via intercom] Of course, right away Mr. Davis.

MISS JANET steps into the office and sets a pile of paperwork on the desk. JOSH McDANIELS picks it up and begins flipping through things.

MARK DAVIS: YOU DON’T WANT YOUR AGENT TO LOOK AT IT?

JOSH McDANIELS: That smarmy parasite? No, I can handle it.

MARK DAVIS: WOW YOU READ REALLY FAST COACH JOSH.

JOSH McDANIELS: I’ve mastered the art of speed reading.

MARK DAVIS: OH THAT IS NEAT CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE CLAIM THEY CAN SPEED READ BUT THEY’RE REALLY JUST FULL OF DOODY! [under his breath]…and don’t realize that they are immediately relinquishing any potential claims they might have regarding early termination.

JOSH McDANIELS finishes “reading” the paperwork and signs on the dotted line, then stands up. 

JOSH McDANIELS: Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but our country needs me to make it great. Again. It’s been an honor.

MARK DAVIS: YOU TRIED YOUR BEST COACH JOSH.  I JUST WISH THE PLAYERS WERE ALL GENIUSES LIKE YOU.

JOSH McDANIELS: Good-bye, Mark.

MARK DAVIS: OKAY BYE BYE FOREVER COACH JOSH.

JOSH McDANIELS exists the office, and MARK DAVIS taps a button below his desk.  A computer screen slides up through a hidden slot in the desk.

— [internet flies open] —

5CHAN GAILEY: All done?

MARK DAVIS: Yes, it went very smoothly.  Thank you for your help.  I’ll have your standard fee wired over immediately.

5CHAN GAILEY: Sounds good.  Oh, I had some expenses on this one. Not a lot, I just needed everything to look authentic. Eight dollars times four for a total of thirty-two.

MARK DAVIS: Ah yes. In that case, is it okay if I pay you by…check?

The two men dissolve into laughter as we fade to black.

—