Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
My plan was to have some goof on New Year’s resolutions and have y’all vote on it, but from just reading about last night’s game, I’m not in a jokey mood. Hoping for a full recovery for Damar Hamlin. 2023 is off to a shitty start.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
If you have two friends in your lifetime, you’re lucky. If you have one good friend, you’re more than lucky [in bed].
S.E. Hinton
So, friends with benefits?
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
The only thing I have to do today that requires leaving the house is driving 5 minutes away to pick up a prescription, but I am having a hell of a time motivating myself to do even that. I think I’ll just do it tomorrow.
Doktor Zymm
“I’ll take care of that.””
— King H., NC
WCS
It’s birth control, which unfortunately does not have any fun narcotic effects
Doktor Zymm
true, but I don’t want to be birthin’ no more babies neither!
King Hippo
Hackett got the axe! Let’s ride!
Mr. Ayo
“A bag of urine will be the head coach for the remaining games. We feel that this will be an ever-so-slight improvement and we welcome that.”
-Denver Front Office
scotchnaut
My brother is dating a woman who’s children are friends with a very good, (also large), D-1 football player. He just entered the portal and is at their house, watching football and getting tons of texts from coaches trying to get him to come to their program.
I’ve offered him $40 and a 4-pack of beer, (to be downgraded to a 3-pack if he doesn’t answer quickly), to join the Fightin’ Horatios.
This recruiting stuff is tough!
Horatio Cornblower
Still pissed teleportation or at least affordable high speed flying cars haven’t been invented yet
Doktor Zymm
THESE THINGS FLYING CARS I CALL THEM “FETCH” BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Not my dog, just a funny image
Brocky
Fun fact, the breed evolved that way so the wind will carry the dog to new areas and expand its breeding territory
Doktor Zymm
JJ Watt is calling it quits after this season.
So I’m guessing Steve Keim is drafting up a 4YR/$56MIL contract extension for JJ.
blaxabbath
Pretty sure the only thing Steve Keim is drafting up right now is a list of people he needs to make amends to.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Worth noting that the Bears did in fact tie that franchise record [of 8 straight losses].
Next, they’ll try to break that record!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Is BC Dick courting that Jamaican girl he was perving hard on at the bowling alley? Spicy!
Gumbygirl
tWBS, in an ethereal voice coming from everywhere and nowhere “SHE’S MINE”
SonOfSpam
I just ordered some Gamay from wine.com’s year end sale, so that’s a very timely tip!
Doktor Zymm
I ordered a bunch of stuff actually, with discounts I ended up getting 18 nice bottles for only ~$280, my wine rack is gonna be overflowing!
Doktor Zymm
Nothing like a woman with an ample rack!
Dunstan
“You said it.” – Andy Reid, thinking of ribs and lamb and more ribs
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Is tonight going to be the saddest night in Cardinals talk radio history?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Why? Is the Pope finally cracking down on the whole kiddie touching business?
litre_cola
BC Dick dropped the bowling ball yet again… smh
scotchnaut
Just got a text back. “Is it Tuesday already?”
litre_cola
Just saw Horatio’s comment about Warhammer, you were short a few pages, and the charts, and the YouTube videos, and (is quietly chloroformed by wife to shut me up)
ArmedandHammered
Have you ever been out at a bar with your [spouse/partner/SO] and they go “wow, it smells like someone took a shit in here” and given that you’re the one who just farted, you have to decide whether to fess up or say “I know, right?”
Me neither.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Another one bites the dust
Gumbygirl
“But not all encyclopaedia salesmen Russian oligarchs are successful. Here is an unsuccessful encyclopaedia salesman Russian oligarch.”
“I think there’s a lesson there for all of us”
BeefReeferLives
It’s a laundry festival today. I lead an exciting and often dangerous life! Here’s a joke from Gumby:
A man went to the ER with 25 plastic toy horses in his rectum. Doctor’s described his condition as “stable.”
Gumbygirl
Have week off work and so does family. In hindsight, I should have not said anything, and left each day for 8 hours.
Redshirt
“I’m going to become the Grand Kleagel!”
Ole Miss: Build Your Legacy
Horatio Cornblower
I looked really fast and thought that said Grand Kegel.
Sharkbait
You ever attempted a grand kegel? I gave it a shot once, I still have the scar
Alex_Demote
I have no clue what I just introduced myself to by reading this [Wumbo Wednesday] but GO MALLARD WOO
Alex_Demote
Still more clear than anything the Hippo writes, but nowhere near as fun to read as what the Hippo writes.
TheRevanchist
We need Rev to start translating my columns again, for the new dude!
King Hippo
Well, I just got an invitation in the mail to join the AARP.
Looks like it’s going to be a hard liquor night.
Dunstan
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
The Raiders’ quarterback mess is their worst Carr situation since Henry Ruggs.
SonOfSpam
Oh great, another fat balding guy who needs glasses. I frigging told you guys we were going to need name tags around the clubhouse but did anyone listen to me? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, and now we don’t know where half of us are half the time, other than “probably drinking while not wearing pants,” which doesn’t really provide a location, now does it?
Oh hey Al, nice debut.
/slaps closest balding fat guy with glasses on the ass, hard.
Horatio Cornblower
Welp, Pele is ded
King Hippo
Brazil will hold a country wide minute of silence which will also be their first minute without criminal violence in 30 years.
ArmedandHammered
How much extra time will be added to the minute of silence?
LemonJello
“Eight minutes” – 2022 World Cup referees
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
🚨🚧Extra Surly Al Michaels Alert🚧🚨
Don T
It’ll be nice watching Lou Dobbs get beat up for three hours.
SonOfSpam
Derp
2Pack
These corners get more handsy than a Hollywood producer holding auditions for a Disney Channel show.
TheRevanchist
“Ha ha ha, good one!” – the Nickelodeon executive who hired Dan Schneider
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
“Bro, let me know if you’re running low”
-Andrew Tate, filming a video where he blasts Ryan White
SonOfSpam
Maybe he’ll hide the pizza box next time.
Sharkbait
Greta Thunberg should make a point of showing up at his trial, then get kicked out by the judge for being unable to suppress her laughter.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
If Vrabel had any spare DBs, he’d be cutting Avery on the sidelines right now.
LemonJello
“At least Avery would feel something”
-D. Carr, blasting Dashboard Confessional from his ironic Walkman
SonOfSpam
Ugh. You throw that away, dummy!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Spur
If you’re a defender and you might have committed a penalty, the smartest thing to do is to throw up your hands and immediately look at the official, he’ll never throw a flag then!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
WCS
I see the IMPORTANT questions have not been asked yet.
How do you get your gf to do anal?
ballsofsteelandfury
Anal isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, butt if you’re looking for advice for yourself: find out what her ass likes to eat, and cover your dick in that before initiating sex. This will be irresistible to her rear end, and you will reap all the benefits.
Alex_Demote
Longtime caller, first time listener here.
Can the Jaguars beat the Titans and get into the playoffs? Thanks. I’ll hang up, take the radio apart and then put it back together while the next batch is cooking in the bathtub.
DDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!1!!!eleven!!!
LemonJello
I always assumed that Blaine Gabbert as The Flow was satire, but apparently it’s very real.
We’ll get more details today, but Bucs quarterback Blaine Gabbert was one of the first to respond on his jet ski Thursday evening when a helicopter went into the water off Davis Islands. All four aboard survived, with Gabbert’s help. https://t.co/DkWVPe9XNc
— Greg Auman (@gregauman) December 30, 2022
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Oh, SNAP!
BeefReeferLives
/incoming Dad Joke Alert
Me: “What did you do in Sudbury?”
Son’s GF: “We watched the new Avatar movie.”
Me: “Just curious-what does popcorn cost these days, like $15?”
Son’s GF: “We didn’t buy any popcorn.”
Me: “So you just rented it? How does that work?”
scotchnaut
Bad news: I slipped in stealth vomit
Good news: I did not fall and only got some vomit on the sole of my shoe
Doktor Zymm
When I was in seventh grade at Holy Trinity school, I was loitering in the bathroom with my best friend Amy. A nun who’s name I can’t remember vomited in the hallway in front of us, and our teacher, an enormously fat and viciously mean woman named Blanche Lawler, came running out of the classroom, I guess to help. She fell with an almighty thud that shook the entire building, as she slid in the puke, into the bathroom where we were dying of laughter. I am sure that’s the main reason I’m going to hell, but it was worth it. We called her Blanche the Avalanche after that. She fucking hated us.
Gumbygirl
I’m sure every prospect just loves being compared to Jamarcus Russell.
Mr. Ayo
Guy got $70 million (I think abut half guaranteed), and didn’t have to stick around long enough to get CTE. You ask me he’s a fucking genius.
You ask his professors at LSU and you’ll get a different story.
Horatio Cornblower
Found a funny:
Taco Bell is the only fast food place I roll up to with no ordering game plan. I just let the menu speak to me. The Bell will tell me what I need. My mouth may be moving but I am just the instrument of a supreme design.
rockingdog
Which states are the worst food states? It seems like most places have a pretty good selection of regional specialties.
Doktor Zymm
Wyoming
Spur
Real states only please, we all know Wyoming doesn’t exist
Doktor Zymm
“System needs an update? Ah, what the hell, the game hasn’t started yet and even if this thing takes forever I’ll only miss a few plays…”
[forty-three minutes later]
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
“When reached for comment, Tua expressed relief that he can’t remember anything that happened in 2004 as it was an uneventful year for him and not worth remembering.”
Redshirt
“All I remember is that some doctor told me that I fell down a set of stairs and hurt my back real bad!”
-T. Tagovailoa, Miami Beach, FL
Cecil Rhodes
Newcastle has a player named Longstaff?
Guess we know who Deanna Favre’s favorite team will be if we ever get her to DFO.
Horatio Cornblower
“I’ve already written him up as a wizard character in G&G.” – Hunter Renfrow
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
HAPPY DFO NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
First comments of the year?
FUCK ROGER GOODELL!
Brocky
Plaid cakes achieved
Mr. Ayo
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I see “2022: The Sporting Year of Redshirt” is turning back into the usual “2023: Abandon All Hope, Redshirt”
Redshirt
Dude, we all know the common factor here
Brocky
Megatron’s butthole is appropriately the tails of the commemorative coin.
Mr. Ayo
Wifey: “My mother is getting up there, she’s really showing her age.”
Me: “Relax, she’s only 10 in wailing banshee years.”
scotchnaut
I’m not sure about anyone else, but I am ecstatic that my team has destroyed it’s future and made a serial sex offender one of the richest QB’s in history, for this level of performance.
Illegal touching. At this point Watson is fucking trolling the fan base.
JustStopDude
“I lost my family for this shit!”
You sure did, MRSA Dreamboat. You sure did!
King Hippo
Happy New Year! HTFYDB!?
Me, I just spent a week in New York holed up in a bedroom in the future in-laws house due to a brutal case of travel flu. The most wonderful time of the year, indeed.
Col. Duke LaCross
Looks like Mr. Ayo is going to win the TWBS freezer vodka league. No 2 time defending Spampion.
litre_cola
Spotted this in the crowd leaving the Seahawks game.
Beerguyrob
My oldest is going to the Ravens-Steelers game tonight with his buddies. While I have continued to tell my wife there’s nothing to worry about, I’m worrying quietly so as not to show I have feelings.
jjfozz
Middle son comes home last night with his buddy, who was literally grey. He puked in the toilet.
My niece left her car at our house last night, came back with her friends to pick it up. Her friend proceeded to barf on our front lawn.
Then my oldest rolls in, painfully hungover. Talks to me for a few minutes, calmly walks out of the room. And barfs in the sink.
None of these fucking kids can hold their alcohol.
jjfozz
UNplanned naps are the best naps.
litre_cola
The cop who woke me up in the median begs to differ.
Redshirt
Well, Tawmmy, you’ve won the South with a .500 record (since nobody else seems to have wanted it).
Hope it was all worth it.
Petronel
Eh, families come and go, but getting exposed as a total fraud in the first round of the playoffs is FOREVER!
Gumbygirl
Just got home from Seattle, but stopped for some of their finest burgers along the way.
Beerguyrob
Do they have a special mayonnaise or cream sauce?
TheRevanchist
Big time.
WCS
I found myself on Not Always Right website and am reading stories about good things happing to good people and bad things happening to bad people. In Real Life. I’m feeling a feeling I’ve felt before. Like I just drank a warm hot chocolate with marshmallows after making snow-angels with my family.
Is…is this hope? Is this what hope feels like?
https://notalwaysright.com
Redshirt
Then let me tell you a story. An asshole bought a website called Gawker, and all its affiliates. I had been on those sites for over a decade. I had to quit frequenting that establishment, as it went to shit.
One day, while hating myself on Twitter, someone mentioned this place. Maybe it was Rikki. He’s a good guy.
Then I found you guys and my life has been better ever since.
TheRevanchist
If you have having trouble “loggin in”, once logged in it may say that you are not logged in, at that point, refresh the page. If that does not work, then clear your cache and “loggin in” again.
Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
Steel cage death match: It’s the only way to settle this!
Breaking from Santos camp: George Santos wins Speaker vote but declined to focus on other assignments.
I’m calling it: many Republicans will vote for Not McCarthy so Jefferies will finish with the most votes. Democrats get enough of their voters near the end of the alphabet to vote PRESENT, lowering the threshold allowing a Democratic Speaker in a Republican house.
This here Kevin McCarthy, I call him Frank Lampard because he is a conservative who really wishes it was still 2022.
Kevin McCarthy’s third chance to win Speaker literally 30 seconds into voting:
2023-2025: The Years With No House of Representatives
Just let everybody get a turn as Speaker for a day.
Like it, but how about this. Put the gavel on the Speaker’s podium and open one random door. First person to grab the gavel and call the chamber into session is Speaker de jour.
Le Mans start?
CNN has (relatively) moderate Republican congressman slamming the MAGA-wing
FOX News has FREEDUM CAWKUS congressman slamming ANYONE not in the 19 “Never Kevins”
“You 203 persons should shut up and listen to your 19 overlords!”
McCarthy has already lost a second ballot.
.
It’s great that the Dems are unanimous with Jeffries, but next round they should all vote for Hillary.
or just nominate “Q” and watch heads explode
It’s too bad it’s not a secret ballot. The results would be hilarious.
There goes sum sound plannin right there dude…
If this is real, it’s spectacular.
FOX News is absolutely trashing the MAGAs in the House after McCarthy becomes the first nominee for Speaker to lose on the first ballot in literally a century.
Couldn’t understand what Ronna Romney was saying due to the side of beef in her mouth.
https://twitter.com/CincyProblems/status/1610342557497659396?cxt=HHwWiMC8pcWBi9ksAAAA
MNF won’t be resumed this week. If it doesn’t happen:
1st Round Bye & Home Field Advantage:
1. Kansas City —
2. Buffalo 1/2 Game Back
3. Cincinnati 1 1/2 Games Back (eliminated from top seed)
AFC North: Bengals clinch division
Nice to think about something as stupid as the playoffs after what happened.
Prediction: If KC and Cincinnati win in Week 18, BUF-CIN is a No Contest. If one loses, it will be made up as it will affect Playoff Seeding and a Division.
At least we now have a policy for mass shooting stoppages.
Like in the documentary “The Last Boy Scout”
Moved on to other things last night after the MNF injury as I could not listen to the ESPN ignoramuses (ignorami?) jabber. Came back just now to find you’ve bannered me for the Paedo State mockery — thanks to the . . . umm . . . academy? Anyway, I can now check this off my New Year’s resolutions and move on to perfecting nuclear fusion, achieving world peace and fooling WordPress into keeping me logged on!
Banner was well-deserved – go get a fucking sandwich.
[slaps Downfield Matriculator on the ass, hard]
I’ve argued my entire adult life that plural should just be a hard i.
Ignoramusi
Cactusi
Billi
Elii
Skii
Dyei
Diei
…
Plural and Ownership: Keep ‘s at the end.
The Billi’s arrival scared the Bengals.
Don’t you mean Bengali?
The last one is unpossible. Focus on the easy ones!
Marty Brennaman: “McCarthy at bat now for the Speakership. Swing and a miss, strike one.”
Joe Nuxhall: “Kevin went to bat ill prepared and it showed with that horrible swing.”
Thom Brennaman: “You know, Dad, that reminds me of a joke.”
Marty Brennaman/Joe Nuxhall: “Shut up, Thom!”
Steve Kornacki: “And there’s a long fly to left by Castellanos…”
Sink barfers are the worst. There’s a perfectly good terlet RIGHT THERE!
Always enjoyed outdoor barfing. No mess, and you’re giving back to Mother Earth.
and Holy shit, I’ve now done 100 of these posts
And every one has been awesome. I look forward to these every week!
That’s more than 11X JPP’s remaining fingers!
A true Centurian. Well done Sir!
2023 strikes again (in this case the drummer, Fred White):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zu9a29UR2dU
for anyone looking to donate, here’s the link to Damar Hamin’s charity’s go fund me:
https://www.gofundme.com/f/mxksc-the-chasing-ms-foundation-community-toy-drive
Edit for clarity to what you’d be donating to
“Don’t even think about it, Mom.” – Eli Manning, overhearing Olivia on the phone with the charity asking if they accept actual toys
“You call THAT a shot to the chest?!”
-Ashlii Babbit
CNN just cut to Kevin McCarthy bitching because he just realized that having a political party made of selfish immature assholes isn’t a good thing.
If I was the Democrats, I would nominate Pelosi again, just to spite them
I would have presumed that during the first vote every Democrat *would* vote for Pelosi, just in case enough of the R’s vote “present” for her to get a majority of the valid votes.
Honestly, I’d go with Hillary Clinton as Speaker just to see if MTG’s head would explode like the Scanners movie.
I always figured it would implode, as there’s nothing up there, like a deflating balloon.
How dare you!
That head is filled with the most unholy concoction of bile, excrement and pus that’s ever congealed in one place!
Good day, sir.
I said GOOD DAY!
Duh, never mind, I forgot Jeffries is her chosen successor.
Gumbygirl’s story about the nun slipping and falling made me think of Norm McDonald saying he gets his comedy “from real life” before telling the moth joke, and made me laugh just about as hard.
I also like Jerry Seinfeld’s “tragedy is when I get a hangnail, comedy is when you fall in an open sewer and die”
He stole that directly from Mel Brooks, I believe.
I am sitting in a parking lot at Desert Regional Medical Center waiting for Gumby’s EGD to be finished. Bored shitless. Thank Dog this post came up! Good morning my darling dears!
Good morning! Is it gloomy and grey out there too?
Ron Howard: It sure is!
It’s beautiful, but it is supposed to get cloudy again tonight.