Macro level, this has been a very entertaining season. Hard to predict, which is good for the soul, taking our minds away from the crushing drudgery of everyday life.
Special shout out to the Jaguras and Tits, who fought their asses off Saturday night. This Surly Duff is for y’all.
Speaking of that division, how about those plucky 500s! Hobo Lovie Smith has too much pride to suck for Bryce Young, and Davis Mills decided not to cede way for his successor so easily. Houston led by ten twice, then fell behind, then made TWO amazing 4th and long conversions on their final drive, the 2nd being a Hail Mary TD that went right through the defender’s hands. When someone says “that team just doesn’t know how to win” they mean the 2022 Fat Humps. They go for two, get it and win 32-31. Pick #2 it is, despite the front office’s machinations.
More meaningful to the sane(ish), three AFC teams battled for the 7 seed. New England needed no outside help, but had the toughest matchup (at BUF). Miami was home to the reeling Jets, but had to go with their 3rd string QB. Yinzburgh needed the MOST help, but #ThePauls at home seemed a straightforward ask.
It didn’t go smoothly for anyone. Even after Nyheim Hines ran the opening kickoff back for a score, to delight the Bills Mafia. The P*ts just lingered like the cabbage fart they collectively resemble. But then Hines took ANOTHER kickoff back in the 2nd half, and it’s nigh impossible to survive giving up multiple special teams TDs. Buffalo see-sawed back between 1 and 2 score leads, but won in the end, 35-23. They could still back in with LOTS of help (ie, Fins and Yinzers both lose) but by that point in time…they knew it wasn’t in the cards.
PIT did trail early, and started very skittishly on offense. But Uncle Jack eventually settled down, and ended up with a mostly-comfortable 28-14 win. Good for Coach Epps, who keeps his ridiculous “no losing seasons” alive at 9-8. Not bad after a 2-6 start.
But alas, there would not be a Elite QB performance from Joe Flacco, meaning the Jets would have to win solely with their defense. They ALMOST pulled it off, but Miami got a late FG then safety danced on the final, multi-lateral play of the game. 11-6 gets the Fish to 9-8 and an unconvincing playoff berth.
Miami will have to go to Buffalo next week, for their final beating. Team WKRP will run it back with the 6-seeded Ratbords, after a 27-16 slopfest win against BAL’s 3rd stringers. I kind of have a bad feeling about Cincy now, but hope I am wrong. Lamar! ain’t going to walk through that door, unless I am badly misreading the tea leaves.
SKOL beat the hapless J Peterman/Tim Boyle Bearistocrats! 29-13. Chi**** shall now pick 1st for the first fucking time since 1947, of course at a time when they don’t need a QB. One presumes they will trade down for whoever gets the wettest for Bryce Young, but who knows. These times be weird, y’all.
MRSA Dreamboat played a little to pad his stats, because that’s the kind of asshole he is. They still lost inside Megatron’s Butthole, 30-17. 8-9, and hosting a playoff game. Fuck right off. Atlanta is an absolute hot mess, yet still managed to finish 7-10.
I shit you not – Touch of Downs played the entire game against N’Awlins. His stat line? 5/15 for 43 yards and TWO pickerceptions. The only Black Panther TD was scored by an offensive lineman, recovering a fumble in the end zone. And CAR won the game, 10-7. Steve Wilks almost certainly won’t get the permanent job, but he did some amazing temp work.
Pause for breath, them’s the early fixtures. Maybe slightly better FITBAW overall than expected. I never came close to napping, FFS.
The late Pentabox (h/t The Greatest Living American, who brings us so much RedZone joy) was a little more shit-filled.
Koach Kliff Kanned? I mean, they started well – jumping out to a 7-nil lead on the first play. But Blough was more-expected bleh after that, and Santa Clara would roll to a 38-13 win. Tomsulas thusly take the 2nd seed in the NFC, and will presumably host The Narrative Packers in late primetime Saturday (again, just predicting). At least The Narrative will have to face the hottest team in the NFL, and on the road.
No doubt most eyes were glued to Donks WOO!! closing the season on a high note. 5-12 is still goddamned awful, but (i) it was still against Clippers starters; and (ii) dinged some of the SeaTruthers’ pick value. Charmslinger looked more like himself, improvising several nice plays and showing that he still has a big arm. Maybe somebody can design a usable offense in 2023, who knows. 31-28 good guys, the Clips were locked into the 5 seed and a trip to DUUUUUUUVVVVAAAALLLLL regardless. That will be a fun fucking game.
Talk about minimal confidence – the NFC East has regressed to normal form. Philly had to hold on late to survive the Vertically Enhanced Persons’ practice squad (locked into the 6 seed, so playing for fuckshit – that Most Glorious Draw bought Jersey A a rest week), 22-16. They limp into the playoffs, but at least with the Division and the first-round bye intact. Giants/Vikings is the 6 vs. 3 in the NFC, and will get a shitty time slot (again, Hippo projects).
Turns out, they had the Division part no matter what, as Dallas laid a Very Non-Gendered egg in our nation’s capital. Somehow, the N-GCp managed a TD right before the half (missing the extra point). Good thing they finished that drive, because they never really managed another one (at least of any note) the rest of the way. Maybe the Commies are done for the season, but their 8-8-1 final record is very mathematically pleasing. 26-6 was your final. At least one of Dallas or MRSA has to lose next weekend.
SIGH. RRRRRRRRAM IT!! absolutely had the ‘Truthers dead to rights. But they let them off the mat, time and time again. SEA would doink a FG at the gun (with the game tied at 16), win the toss and go 3-and-out…but still, the choking away would mean our plucky, fucky LioUns would only play for pride on SNF.
Since that is the case (and I filthily would have to ACTIVELY PULL for Q-aron to win)? I ain’t watching a minute of Green Bay’s inevitable win. At least it will keep “Loose Change Pete” (I can’t recall who named him thusly but it’s PERFECT) out of the tournament. But Christ a’mighty, SO MUCH NARRATIVE.
Time for snoozies, and hopefully dream of the Bloodeyes’ JV NFL title that will absolutely not happen.
As always, it is a privilege and honoUr to write for this community.
I enjoyed the regular season. Jax or Justin Herbert going to the AFC Champ. would make me happy.
Turning to topical satire, 👇🏼
For the record: the Superb Owl window was Barbie House-sized, last year.
Keep in mind that after the 2016 season, when the Raiders went 12-4 and Derek Carr had the highest TD/INT ratio of his career and was discussed seriously as an MVP candidate, the Raiders declined to renew offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave’s contract so they could promote this man.
Dean Pees is retiring. And not just to the lavatory this time.
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
Qards fired Kingsbury.
Koach’s Kareer Kaput?
Kingsbury Karr Kareens off Kliff.
Sounds like somebody put on a few pounds….
https://twitter.com/AdamSchefter/status/1612492810002829313
Keim too, apparently. I don’t think they’re firing him outright (i.e. don’t want to get sued) but he’s being put in a basement office somewhere and being told to take care of the roach problem.
Krispy Kreme Kliff?
Bidwill’s sexuality aside, hiring coaches because they are handsome is just bad policy.
I would like to be fired but paid for the next 4 years.
You sure you want all the baggage that comes with living the Kingsbury lyfe?
Or as it’s often said, “Heavy is the head that wears the Krown…”
His house was in Architectural Digest a while back.
Koach Kliff
I enjoyed the night game far more than I expected to!
This morning I had a glorious sleep. I woke up at 7:30, read in bed for half an hour, then went back to sleep and was blissfully aware of sleeping in. Haven’t done that properly for years.
I slept until the phone woke me up at 9:30. Can’t recall the last time I slept in that late, outside of the #NuAIDS weeks where I just slept nonstop.
Maybe there is a gas leak in the clubhouse?
Well, there was some Skyline Chilli in the club house, so that makes sense
@MakeItSnow you should buy this house!
https://www.reddit.com/gallery/107cwqu
This is what I look at when I poop.
The color came out weird. My bathroom is blue, not beige.
Was worried you were headed deep into TMI territory with this.
And with the first overall pick of the 2023 draft, the Chicago Bears trade from the #1 slot to the predraft selection the Giants tricked them into believing is a real thing. It cost them a 3rd rounder and $2M, but they will get an EP credit on Kate Mara’s next movie.
Dave shitting on Aaron Rodgers will never not be funny
https://twitter.com/DrawPlayDave/status/1612315227579875328?s=20&t=P09TDU38X5qYZkp14Q-pGg
Not gonna lie, I was not expecting to see Qaaron Fraudgers taking doody in the face this morning.
That may be the German part of the family he (obviously) no longer speaks with
Oh that is lovely, I am glad this exists
The Lions would have matched up better against SF than Seattle. Oh well, they will be interesting to watch next year as GB goes full up rebuild.
Oh I’m high
[DOOR SLOWLY CREAKS OPEN]
a disheveled, exhausted LemonJello stumbles into the clubhouse
“MEN, OH MEN! I JUST FLEW IN FROM DUUUUUVALLLLLLLL AND BOY, IS MY BANDANA WRAPPED WING-WANG TIRED!”
[DOOR FLIES CLOSED]
“Fine line between c-ring and tourniquet with the bandanna knots those wives tie down there!”
-U Meyer
You are a hard chargin’ devil dog!
So much for narrative. The Fuck Lions managed to knock off the Packers in Green Bay and let the Seahawks in.
This is why you should watch them night games!
No. Just makes me madder at OKC Bomber and crew.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Head Coach is gonna have to get a prosthetic nose after last night.