Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Who, being loved, is poor [in bed]?
Oscar Wilde

Any love is good love.

As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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Penn State/Utah-abusing 12 year-old boys vs. abusing 12 year old brides. Who Ya Got?
scotchnaut

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USC just blew a 15-point lead in four minutes.
WCS

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“Hey Jude” is the “Seven Nation Army” of Lesser Footy
King Hippo

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Heisman winner, USC quarterback, and inevitable NY Jets draft bust Caleb Williams just broke his throwing hand.
WCS

AND THAT’S WHY YOU OPT OUT!!
Horatio Cornblower

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The Cheez-It Citrus Bowl? I believe these end of the year football games have lost their way.
scotchnaut

The only thing less appetizing I can think of would be the Colgate Citrus bowl.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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I trust Lea Michele trying to interpret Trent Green’s driving directions more than I trust SKOL in a road playoff game.

Apologies, yeah right
WCS

I’m not saying that the 12-4 Minnesota Vikings are frauds, I’m just saying that the 6-10 Raiders have a point differential that’s better by two full touchdowns (-5 vs. -19).
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“Cameron Rising” (the Utah qb) sounds like the title of a radical re-boot of the “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” movie.*

*directed by Tarantino, because why not?
scotchnaut

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When I was in high school, my older sister’s boyfriend was the tennis pro at Latrobe Country Club, which was Arnie’s home course. The courts were clay, so they had to be watered frequently. We used to get really high, and run around on the course at night while the courts were getting watered. That was way more fun than actually golfing.
Gumbygirl

I was an assistant tennis pro, or as I preferred to be known, an “ass pro”
Dunstan

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As usual, 37 is right

Don T

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https://twitter.com/bearsaremean/status/1610111889949839363/photo/1

The entire account has since been deleted. As I imagine his employment with ESPN will be tomorrow, if not before.
Horatio Cornblower

That’s a troll account. The real guy is in XM Radio and not ESPN radio.

I actually feel bad for the radio guy. His life is going to get tough.
JustStopDude

If only Twitter had some sort of way to tell if accounts are authentically who they claim to be, like some sort of ‘verified’ checkmark or something
Doktor Zymm

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Cincinnati https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/14.0.0/svg/1f494.svg on Twitter: “#Bills Damar Hamlin’s Community Toy Drive GoFundMe has a $2,500 goal. It now has over $245,000 raised in the last hour. https://s.w.org/images/core/emoji/14.0.0/svg/1f499.svg Donate here: https://t.co/dUuvtdC9sU https://t.co/5AQTYu6jvi” / Twitter
Redshirt

$905K as of right now [Jan 2 at 10 PM].
Petronel

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The highlight of the game:

NFL: “The players will have five minutes to warm up until we resume play.”
Buffalo Bills & Cincinnati Bengals: “Oh, go play with yourselves!”
Redshirt

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I was going to post this as a joke but now it’s a warning.

Redshirt

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Fuck alllllll the way off skip.

No doubt the NFL is considering postponing the rest of this game – but how? This late in the season, a game of this magnitude is crucial to the regular-season outcome … which suddenly seems so irrelevant.

— Skip Bayless (@RealSkipBayless) January 3, 2023

Sharkbait

Hunting Skip Bayless for sport should be legal in all 50 states and however many provinces Canada has.

I’m just going to assume the Mexicans would be fine with it as is.
Horatio Cornblower

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If goodell doesn’t cancel this game, even the devil will reject his soul
jjfozz

He’s got about 10 minutes to do the right thing, before Booger goes medieval on his ass, live on air.
King Hippo

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Kudos to McDermott and Taylor agreeing to say “Fuck Off!” to the refs/NFL saying, “we’ll give you 5 minutes to get your shit together”.
scotchnaut

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Roger Goodell right now, referring to the players:

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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CNN just cut to Kevin McCarthy bitching because he just realized that having a political party made of selfish immature assholes isn’t a good thing.

If I was the Democrats, I would nominate Pelosi again, just to spite them
Redshirt

I would have presumed that during the first vote every Democrat would vote for Pelosi, just in case enough of the R’s vote “present” for her to get a majority of the valid votes.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Honestly, I’d go with Hillary Clinton as Speaker just to see if MTG’s head would explode like the Scanners movie.
Redshirt

I always figured it would implode, as there’s nothing up there, like a deflating balloon.
Game Time Decision

How dare you!

That head is filled with the most unholy concoction of bile, excrement and pus that’s ever congealed in one place!

Good day, sir.

I said GOOD DAY!
LemonJello

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There goes sum sound plannin right there dude…

2Pack

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This was a great read, thank you for such a thoughtful writeup [ on Damar Hamlin by Alex]

Human perception of and response to risk is such a strange thing. I think we all feel a little guilty when something like this happens, since we, as fans, are essentially asking the players to take these risks for our benefit. It’s not a logical response as it ignores the agency of the player in accepting those risks, as well as the role of the league in managing risk, but it’s probably also a good thing as it means we’re more than willing to support risk mitigations like having emergency medical staff and equipment on hand.

We could actually do with a bit more of that in other high risk jobs that don’t benefit from the visibility of sports, or even with less acute situations within sports, like CTE.

In this case the medical personnel did a fantastic job and has given Damar a solid chance at a full recovery. Hopefully he’ll be well enough to come off sedation in time to watch the Bills in the playoffs 🙂
Doktor Zymm

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Redshirt

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On a lighter note, Christian Eriksen, who fully recovered from his on-field cardiac arrest, was born in a town called Middelfart
Doktor Zymm

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Speaking of balls rolling down things, let’s talk about my throat. No, wait, that doesn’t sound right. Ah, what’s the worst that can happen? Not like anyone will notice, eh Rumpelstiltskin?

/lo fives dwarf

So I’m at the dentist today for my semi-annual cleaning. The hygienist is busy so the dentist does her thing first. She pokes around, gasps, then says, (and you have to do this with a significant Slavic accent to really get the full effect), “do people tell me you have bad breath?” To which I, who do not want to anger a woman who has two fingers of one hand on my tongue, (and not in a good way), and is holding a sharp metal hook in the other, do not say “has anyone told you your bedside manner sucks goat balls?”, but instead say “nough, na reewy” because it’s hard to form words when your tongue is being held by someone else and moved side-to-side while that person peers down your throat with a headlamp.

“You have cryptic tonsils!” she says, in a manner I can only describe as ominous wonder.

“Uh gots crptuh wha now?” I manage.

“Cryptic tonsils!”she replies, this time oddly delightedly. She then explain that tonsils have folds, or “crypts” in them, and that as we get older they get either bigger or just more prone to getting bacteria and food bits in them, which in turn can lead to sore throats, (don’t get them unless ill), and/or bad breath, (which my wife, who would not hesitate to say otherwise, says I do not have), (my mother said the same, as I took her to dinner after the dentist, and she was in fact very angry that anyone would even suggest that her little boy has breath that smells of anything other than roses and angel’s wings. I am 53 years old), and she then proceeds to use what I can only assume was a vacuum cleaner and a dental mirror to hold my tongue down and remove what I will admit were disturbingly large chunks of…something(s).

This was arguably worse than the cleaning, even if it didn’t involve having your gum lines scraped out with high pressure water. I am also pleased to announce that I have a surprisingly responsive gag reflex for someone who went to an all-boys Catholic high school.

I got home and checked the mirror and there is a surprisingly large hole in one of my tonsils. I just filled it with some chocolate ice cream.

Anyway people, apparently we should all be gargling more in order to prevent these build-ups.

This has been “Modern Dentistry With Horatio”, a feature that will never recur.
Horatio Cornblower

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Hey how long is pumpkin pie good for in the freezer? Trying to see how much time I have after I wolfed that down.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think it starts leaning evil after the 15 day mark. That sorcerer behind the dumpster at the Tim Hortons in Blind River has never steered me wrong.
scotchnaut

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Best MILF Movie or Limited Series [category for the AVN awards]

[starts hyperventilating] – Zach Wilson
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Best Cuckold Scene – Kevin McCarthy and the 118th United States Congress
Redshirt

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That Damar Hamlin charity ahas now [Jan 5 at noon or so ] raised over $7 million. There are a lot of good peeps out there.
TheRevanchist

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Don T

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I received a notification from the ESPN app about something Stephen A. said.
Most
Satisfying
Uninstall
EVER
Don T

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Canada now stretching their despair into a four goal lead vs the Americans. This is really hard to watch.
scotchnaut

Whatever, hockey’s a dumb game anyway and we didn’t even want to win we were just playing to make you canucks feel better cause our mom made us include you I bet you haven’t even seen a real boob yet
herodotus450

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Canada now clinging desperately to a three goal lead by the gravy of their poutine.
scotchnaut

THIS AMERICAN NET, I CALL IT THE SPEAKERSHIP BECAUSE IT’S VACANT
Dunstan

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If something happens to Biden and Harris, is the Clerk of the House the Acting President or does go to the oldest Democratic Senator as President Pro Tempore.
Redshirt

Alexander Haig’s skeleton comes clanking from his grave shouting that he’s in charge! Until his bottom jaw falls off.
Gumbygirl

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As of a couple of minutes ago I started my first vacation in a couple of years. Tomorrow we leave for NYC, the next day St. John, VI.

Not sure if the place we’re staying at as internet, so if you don’t hear from me for a week that’s likely why. If you don’t hear from me for two weeks it means we flew Southwest.
Horatio Cornblower

Does the dwarf get its own ticket or do you just stow it safely in the overhead bin?
SonOfSpam

Why would Horatio bring him? You can’t have sex in the Virgin Islands!
Dunstan

You can totally soak though
Doktor Zymm

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Brick Meathook

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/Status update on the brainwashing of our youngest son

Mrs. Scotch: “The youngest is not happy today.”

Me: “Huh, wonder why.” [knows why]

Mrs. Scotch: “He said business was slow at the wholesale and he doesn’t have a shift on Friday.”

Me: “SUCCESS!”

tl:dr: Son is pissed off that he doesn’t have to wake up at 4:15am and be a driver’s helper tomorrow. I can’t even begin to tell you how far he’s come from his first few days working for his old man
scotchnaut

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Can we call Sam Howell “Rebecca Malone”?
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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As requested with Kevin McCarthy, from The West Wing episode where the Democratic National Convention goes into a chaotic after multiple ballots with no nominee:

(watching the party embarrass themselves before the world)
First Lady: “What are doing?”
President: “Eating their young. It’s a free-for-all. I think Aaron Burr has 20 votes.”

—————

Bills Mafia and the Bengals Charities are like kindred spirits. First with Andy Dalton throwing a miracle TD in 2017 to get Buffalo into the playoffs and now this. If good deeds are rewarded with Karma, the Bills are due for a dynasty that will make the Patriots’ era look like a decent run.
Redshirt

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Been unavailable so my apologies if the joke was already made by Speaker of the House entry is:

Goddamn. After nine losses, Damar Hamlin is setting up a GoFundMe for Kevin McCarthy.
blaxabbath

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Alex_Demote working in the content mines (artist’s conception):

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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THIS GUY BORISNOW I CALL HIM THE “TUTOR” FOR A STAR ATHLETE AT THE UNIVERSITY* OF NORTH CAROLINA BECAUSE HE DOES LOTS OF HOMEWORK.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He works hard for the money. So hard for it, honey!
Gumbygirl

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I was waiting for my stupid medical appointment this morning and the room I was in was tuned to TSN. There was a long form vid essay on Trevor Lawrence and I thought to myself, “I have no one IRL to share his ‘Prison Girlfriend’ joke nickname with and I was a bit sad.
scotchnaut

I am stealth teaching people I talk to about football irl elements of Hippoese
Doktor Zymm

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My word! How could the National Footballing powers that be make a scheduling decision that favoured the uncivilized native tribes of Kansas! I must inform Captain James Cook that he needs to demand satisfaction!
Cecil Rhodes

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Old-Ass Dad Achievement – UNLOCKED!

I sucessfully assembled and hooked up the 50″ teevee box the kids got me for Shitsmas. I had to swap the location of the “long” and “high” dressers so it would fit. My lower back isn’t too awful happy with me, but (i) I have pills for that; and (ii) I didn’t have to ask anyone FOAR help!
King Hippo

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Pole question. Suicide league, 2k on the line for the winner, 2nd gets 600, 3rd gets 300. 3 of us left. One of the other 3 picked DUVAL this week and is finished. HOWEVAH, the first tie break is picked teams win. I have 3 more team wins than him entering this week, meaning I’m 3 games behind him on the tie break. Knowing he now has an additional 9 wins from DUVAL, I need to pick a team with 4 or less wins AND for that team to win.

The 3rd dude was tied with the other on the first tie break, so he has many options, with the only available threats to me in the 500s or Chi****.

I’m in the dilemma that I only have either the CLOTS and 500’s to win the tie break and of course they’re playing each other. Note a tie counts as a lose. My only other options are Chi**** and the Cards but those are as out as Strawberry Fields and Kiem on a bender.

So, who do I go with? I’m currently on the CLOTS. Wait, if me and the other guy pick the 500’s I lose even if they win. CLOTS it is.
Mr. Ayo

WCS

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fleshwound_NPG

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Currently at a sports bar in Toledo Ohio waiting to pick up a puppy tomorrow morning. The level of enthusiasm for this game is basically zero except me who went nuts for the defensive TD. The regulars were not amused lol
Alex_Demote

you wearing a TCU shirt?
Gatoraids

Shirt?
Alex_Demote

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Somewhere jeff fisher is fretting about the titans ruining a perfectly good 7-9 record
Brocky

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Interviewer: “It’s third and long-what’s your go-to play?

T. Lawrence: “Well, it depends on the coverage but I usually like the short slant route.”

Interviewer: “OK. Your boyfriend is in the chow line and gets shanked by a dude from MS-13. What’s your next move?”

Lawrence: “Duh. Retreat to my cell and wait for all of the offers to come in. The dude that offers the most toilet paper? He’s gonna be in the lead, btw.”
scotchnaut

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Happy Patriots Schadenfreude Day everyone
Recovery Whiskey

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Tony Romo calls a game like a guy who is describing a game he is watching on TV
Brick Meathook

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These Pittsburgh Steelers, I call them NYC on the early morning of 9/11/01 because they were having a perfectly good day until the Jets crashed and burned
Downfield Matriculator

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I feel like the pantheon needs a new addition called THE NARRATOR who takes actions to support THE NARRATIVE. For example, that dubious offensive interference call on Hunter Henry was the work of THE NARRATOR.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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DEATH AND TAXES BOW TO MIKE TOMLIN’S WINNING RECORD
WCS

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[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!11111!!!!!ELEVEN!!!!!!

[DOOR FLIES SHUT]
LemonJello

In an interesting demonstration of the Doppler effect, the Jaguras bandanna wrapped around LemonJello’s wingwang tended towards a purpley-teal as he ran past!
Doktor Zymm

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Trees in the Ardennes put up more of a fight against the Germans than the pats on that kickoff [NE vs BUF]
Sharkbait

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Here’s an iguana.

Horatio Cornblower

Of note I said “pbthh” to it several times, but without effect. It seems to know nothing of Iguana Mart.
Horatio Cornblower

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P*ts could also back door in, with LOLfins and Stillers losses. At least I think so.
King Hippo

No back door. They win, they’re in.
ballsofsteelandfury

Feels weird for Balls to be saying no to the back door.
King Hippo

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/pokes finger with knife while slicing

Me: [35 minutes and several Kleenexes later] “Well, that blood thinner medication is very effective”
scotchnaut

he died how he lived, wielding a knife
King Hippo

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Folks, I swear to Helix, there’s a man at this wedding and he may be the Jewish Macho Man Randy Savage.
Senor Weaselo

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**scrolls back through this open thread**

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

HOW THE FUCK WE DOIN’ !?!!

also:

**chugs bourbon, changes Jaguras bandana out for AFC South Champions Jaguras bandana**

DDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuVVVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
LemonJello

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Back, what I miss?
Spur

Millions of Boston fans simultaneously saying “well, I’m more of a Celtics fan these days”.
Dunstan

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Scott Hansen ready to shutdown and hibernate in the cocaine vats.
Gatoraids

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So which of our football Gods did Aaron Rodgers piss off
Brocky

Fauci, God of Not Being A Stupid Bitch About Vaccines
Recovery Whiskey

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Rodgers never got his “shot” at the Superbowl this year
Spur

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Zebras have a natural hatred and fear of Lions
Gatoraids

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Hola Kommentariat! Long time no post

I report to you LIVE from the scene of this crime [DET vs GB]. It is cold, I am sober, and the air is thick with stupidity.
NotShogunButShogun

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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