[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

What the FUCK is UP, you fucking PUSSIES? I’m BOSS FUCKIN’ TODD HALEY, head coach and GM of the USFL’s MEMPHIS SHOWBOATS WOOOOOOOO!!!

You dumbshits probably know me from my NFL experiences in KC as head coach and in Pittsburgh and Cleveland as OC. Fucking idiots to let me go. BOSS TODD KNOWS BALL!

Anyways, the USFL is cool and shit, but since the pay kinda fucking sucks for us, I’m just hear to make a little scratch on the side. Since Jay Leno blew his own stupid ass up a couple months ago and put himself on Injured Reserve… I’M FUCKIN’ TAKIN’ OVER HIS TV SHOW!

Every week, we’re going at some fucking dumbass cars out there. Listen, I’ve seen some fucking turds on the field and in the garage in my day. Remember Brodie Croyle? Remember Tyler Palko? FUCK. Same with the Ford Pinto and the AMC Gremlin. But you guys know this. So instead, for the next few months, we’re gonna go way, way fucking deeper. I fix shit. It’s what I do. I MADE MATT FUCKING CASSEL LOOK LIKE A PRO BOWL QB! So remember, even if there’s a car that appears to be worse than a trash bag full of diseased gophers, BOSS TODD can get your shit squared away. Seriously. Now gimme a fucking smoke. Let’s talk shop.

THE HORSEY HORSELESS

Model Year: 1899

Total units produced: almost definitely zero

Vehicle type: two-“door” coupe, open roof

Engine: unknown

Drivetrain: unknown

Transmission: unknown

Gross weight: unknown

0-60 time: absolutely not

Vehicle cost: unknown

What makes this car interesting? 

Battle Creek, MI has given the world a lot of things, including corn flakes, granola, and some weird religious fundamentalism. With Michigan already becoming the automotive hub of North America even at the turn of the 20th century, it’s only fitting that it would give us an incredibly strange car. Or, at least, the idea of one. The car’s inventor, Uriah Smith, was a Seventh-Day Adventist, making him a contemporary of the world-famous Kellogg brothers.

With the world already grappling with the early advancement in automotive technology, one primary complaint among non-adopters was the fact that early motorcars tended to spook horses quite easily, leading to accidents and sometimes potential deaths when carriage drivers would lose control of the animals. This was, to their credit, entirely valid. Safety was basically nobody’s top priority back then, as it was simply easier to complain about things rather than fix them. Leave it to forward thinkers like Uriah Smith to actually go out and do something about it. Hence the concept of a car with a wooden horse’s head attached to the front of it, which he intended to “disguise” the appearance of the vehicle and keep passing horses more calm.

While this car was for years thought to be an outright hoax and simply just a big troll job on Luddites of his era, research has shown that Smith actually went out and filed for a patent for his design – and it was approved on  April 11th, 1899. It’s 100% real.

What makes this car stupid?

Turns out the entire horse head was a gas tank.

How the fuck do you think a horse would react if it saw one of these bad boys accidentally catch on fire? Holy fuck. John Elway would shit his goddamn pants. I don’t think they even have shrinks for horses. That said, it turns out someone else actually still liked the idea and expanded on Uriah Smith’s initial concepts five years later. In Denver, CO in 1904, one Mr. Henry Hayes received a patent for a detachable horse head that could be mounted on the front of most vehicles. Unlike Smith’s design, Hayes’ horse head contained an oil lamp headlight with eyeball portals, and a lever to open and close the horse’s mouth, which doubled as a horn.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

Take a look at the setup here. Bench seat at the front. That’s easy pants zipper access for DAYS right there, dude. Who gives a fuck that there’s no privacy? What the fuck do you think your great-grandparents were doing late at night after a going to a shitty little “picture show”? Get fucking real. Uriah probably wouldn’t approve, but fuck that guy.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

Fuck horses in general, man. As a former Chiefs coach, pretty sure I’m contractually bound to say that even after getting shitcanned from constantly losing to my AFC West rivals. You can fix this shitty car by not being a fucking wizard-bearded dumbass obsessed with the Second Coming and stupid party tricks. You want a horse themed vehicle that badly? Get a fucking pony car. At least people won’t call you a little bitch for owning one of THOSE. Unless it’s a V6 base model.

OK, that’s it. I’m out. Time to go sign some former Popeyes employees to play D-Line for me with the Showboats. See you next week, fuckers.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.