[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

Just a month and a half out from the season opener against Philly. God, that gets my balls throbbin’. Or maybe that’s just dehydration. Whatever. Feels great all the same. Just as good as takin’ the Sawzall out and cuttin’ the roof off your car in advance of spring coming once again. You wouldn’t believe the pile of scrap I got goin’ in the backyard after all these years. Anyways, you want more shit about something cool? I’m takin’ this for a joyride from the Smithsonian this week. They got lots of shit there, so they can’t even tell it’s gone yet. Let’s rev this bitch up and see what happens.

THE WATERMAN AEROBILE

Model Year: 1957

Total units produced: 5, between 1935-1957

Vehicle type: single-wing, street-legal, three-wheel, three-seat monoplane

Engine: Tucker-Franklin water-cooled four-cylinder, 4.0 L, 225 ci, 120 hp

Drivetrain: FWD (rear-engine mounted)

Transmission: unknown, but likely a three-speed manual

Gross weight: 2500 lbs

0-60 time: unknown

Top speed: 120 mph in the air, 70 mph on the ground

Vehicle cost: $7000 (1957 pricing)

What makes this car interesting? 

Doesn’t a name like Waldo Waterman sound like something out of a shitty TV show? Remarkable that the man with the name in question was not, as it turns out, a complete crank. Born in California in 1894, Waterman became enamored with flight at a young age and spent most of his early life working to catch the attention of early aviation pioneer Glenn Curtiss, and later studying aeronautical engineering at Berkeley. Upon graduation, his Waterman Aircraft Company tried to establish themselves in the American aviation market, but struggled to contend with the sell-off of surplus military aircraft and later with the Great Depression. Waterman’s first plane, the Whatsit, was released in 1929, and it was a failure – as it lacked a tail, it was highly unstable and many models crashed often.

Waterman went back to the drawing board after the Whatsit to revamp into his next model – the one he’d become best known for. Having seen his mentor Glenn Curtiss’ prototype of a flying car back in 1917, Waldo Waterman finally finished the first version of his own variation, the Arrowbile, in 1937. Waterman produced only six total models in the next twenty years – and only five of which were finished. With removable wings and propellor, these compact planes were meant to be sold at a price point suitable for the average consumer. More on that later.

The Arrowbile can be best described as a single swept-wing design; like the Whatsit, it also lacked a tail, as Waterman felt the design would be more compact and also more affordable to produce due to less material being needed. The first few versions were always intended to be sole-use planes, but by the release of his final version in 1957, the Arrowbile – rechristened “Aerobile”, though Waterman hated that new name – there were a few remarkable design choices added that completely revamped the utility of the vehicle.

First, the final Arrowbile could fold its wings back, fitting them flat against the fuselage, rather than having to remove them upon touching down and driving around. This allowed for the car to be properly navigable on the road for the first time, as the switchover from flying to driving became much faster. Second, the final Arrowbile also improved the cabin experience so that additional passengers could be carried.

The Aerobile never did catch on, but you can still check it out the next time you pay a visit to the National Air and Space Museum. Both the Whatsit and the final Arrowbile are housed there and are on display. Waterman never did make it quite big enough – but it’s absolutely fair to say that he invented a true flying car.

What makes this car stupid?

The last version solved most of the steering and handling problems that the previous versions had in the air, which is just as well, as the first few versions were heinously unsafe. Studebaker had been an early investor in Waterman’s designs in the early ’40s and even let him use a couple of their engines in a few models – but they got spooked after a few (non-fatal) crashes at airshows.

Secondly, this car has no brakes… at least, the earlier models didn’t. As roadworthiness was a truly secondary concern for Waterman, the importance wasn’t realized until many years after the fact.

Finally – arguably the most important point of all – the entire premise of designing a cheap, simple multipurpose vehicle for the average consumer in America was entirely impossible for Waldo Weatherman. In the early 1930s, the United States government promised patent and manufacturing support for manufacturers who could sell vehicles similar to the Aerobile at a price point of around $700… and unfortunately he never even came close to matching that. When LIFE Magazine featured the Aerobile in a profile in the late 1950s, it listed the price point at $3000… which was also not entirely truthful, as one could really only get an entire flying car for about $7000 in 1957 money. That’s the equivalent of almost $75K today – and even with the average price of a new car continuing to climb year over year, that’s still entirely out of reach for most families in the US. We haven’t even got to the fuel and maintenance costs, let alone the astronomical increase in insurance rates or the price of flying lessons…

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

IF YOU CAN’T COMBINE THE THRILLS OF GETTING ROAD HEAD AND JOINING THE MILE HIGH CLUB AT THE SAME TIME THEN YOU’RE NOT FUCKIN’ TRYIN’ HARD ENOUGH! Though I bet those Dukes of Hazzard did their best on both counts every fuckin’ time they sent the General Lee aloft.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

THIS SHIT IS FUCKING PERFECT AND YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK FROM THE BACK. I’m gonna go drop some fuckin’ homemade Agent Orange all over the New Orleans Breakers’ practice field in this motherfucker. Then I’ll fuckin’ block the drivethru for however long I fuckin’ feel like it and yell at the teenage clerk the whole time until he becomes a real man. PLANECAR, COCKWEASELS!

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.