Good morning. Whoever had “Week 4” (is it 5? Maybe it’s 5), in the “When Will Horatio Forget To Have The Mock Draft Ready To Go First Thing In The Morning?” please go to the window and collect your winnings.
I meant to get this done last night, but Mrs. Horatio had some ideas about other things she wanted to get done and, well, that took precedence. And I’m happy to report that the new paint job in the kitchen looks very nice, and blends well with the new cabinetry.
I have two topics to consider today, one from RTD and one from BFC. Because this is a rush job I am going with Rikki’s; BFC’s is very good, but I need to put some thought into my pick and I don’t have enough time to both think and get this thing posted ahead of my 10:00 am conference calls.
Rikki suggested “Plants”, which is both a solid topic and one where I can make my first pick with ease. Rikki gave me the topic and some examples, but didn’t say which he would pick first, so I’ll be making the first pick.
The humble tomato. Tastes good, and it’s the only thing I’m consistently able to grow in what I laughingly call a garden each summer. At least high enough to the point that the groundhogs can get to them early each morning and eat them right off the vine. Last year, (drought year in CT), I actually had better luck with peppers, but that’s the first year I had any success with them, so tomatoes it is.
The rest of you are on the clock. The rules are 1) is it a plant? and 2) do you like it? It does not have to be edible. Many of you are thinking of the same plant right now, and I almost took it first just to avoid the rush, but I don’t use that plant and therefore thought it would be too mean. First come, first served.
No commissioner this week as I’m down to 3 minutes left.
Rice, Rice, Baby. I’ve heard that a large segment of the world’s population eats that stuff up. For the sticklers, I’ll take Biryani.
Jimmy G to Rikki’s Raiders.
3 years, $67.5 million, $34 guaranteed
Don’t know if this warrants a run through the Clubhouse with a Raiders’ bandana…
Woo hoo! Handsome Jimmy in the (That’s My Raiders! shared) house!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d681GuMZj6Y
Purple Haze. It lights up my brain. Excuse me, while I kiss this guy.
Apple tree, since HC is being all power crazy I’ll go with a Gala
My boys love the most expensive ones-Honeycrisp and Fuji. Wonderful.
4th pick: Meyer Lemon
Very on-brand!
The humble onion. It’s in everything, and makes (almost) everything better. Raw, cooked, caramelized…
Damn fine satirical newspaper as well.
https://www.theonion.com/
Someone’s been watching Top Chef…
Robert.
Mostly for his work with Zeppelin, but his solo stuff is fine too.
Oh fuck off.
He was going to be my last pick.
Springfield Nuclear Power is still on the board.
Wait, we can draft people? Awesome! I need a bunch to pick my cotton! I’ll start with Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III.
Mt cat has told me that I will draft catnip or he will sing the song of his people outside my bedroom door at 3:48 tomorrow morning.
He’ll do it, too.
He’ll do it whether you pick catnip or not. Cats are assholes.
4. Cotton. Can’t go many places without clothing, so while you poor saps are running around without any pants on I’ll…wait…NO!
Not to get all sappy but I’ll take the Crimson Maple because it reminds me of my aunt.
Red bell peppers
I will go with the Lime tree/plant. Delicious, with many uses. I’ll trade with LemonJello for some of his blue agave.
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Deal.
Citra Hops
Apparently the key ingredient to the Treehouse Julius and Julius-adjacent beers. I will literally be drunk, but not with power, with these under my control.
Aloe.
IS IT MEEEEEEE YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?
Jesus Christ.
I mean, he was on a rudimentary tree at one point but I don’t think that should be a legit pick.
He only took three days to bloom, too.
That’s good propagation’!!!
No, that was BFC. What, do all Jews look alike to you?
Do I look like JK Rowling?
3. Orchids, specially the one that gives you the vanilla bean. Flowering and has flavoUr, score!
3rd pick: Blue Agave
Damn, I was hoping that would slide a little farther.
I asked my wife about this mock draft and I’ve got a list longer than my arm. I’ll also take rhubarb. Grows everywhere and a childhood treat was dipping the end in white sugar. (have I mentioned that I grew poor?, yet again)
The leaves are good for your other hobby, just not a quick
Rhubarb salsa is sooo good
You and Yeah Right should work out a trade agreement.
I am a plant killer. Black thumb of death. But I love me some fleurs. Since we are approaching le printemps, let me have all of the daffodils!
My wife said that’s fine as long as she can have her trilliums.
I don’t know what they are, so sure!
Seriously? No one has taken coffee? YOINK
Edit: okay, apparently this was picked while I was checking previous picks, so fine, I like tea better anyway!
Dinner is about to show up, so for later picks just give me whatever giant trees are still around, baobab, redwood, that sort of thing. Or maybe fancy woods like ebony or mahogany.
Don’t even talk to Mike before he’s had his morning coffee!
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Beefreefer did take coffee but, as commissioner I have, arbitrarily and completely unfairly, changed the rules so that people can draft specific breeds of plants. I am also, in true worship of the Chaos Gods of Old, applying this to all plants.
Is this fair? No. Will it be fun? Also no. Will it enhance the draft? No. Do I think it’s funny and therefore doing it anyway? Oh yes.
In that case, sticking to tea but green tea specifically
Yes. “With power”
I’ll go with the producer of (almost) everyone’s favorite alkaloid stimulant: The coffee plant.
Specify a breed of coffee.
I am clearly drunk with power.
Juan tells me that only Arabica will do.
(& his donkey says “Buenos Dias”)
No Kopi Luwak?
A true hero
BUTT-HEAD: Uh…you have a masturbation helmet?
BEAVIS: I mean it’s a football helmet. But, you know…safety first!
3. Cacao Tree. If there’s a single thing I’ve learned in my 45+ years on this planet it’s that women love chocolate and would push their own mother in front of a bus just to get some. And if I control the chocolate supply, they will love me, too. Or at least pretend to like. They will talk to me, at the absolute minimum, which is already a big step up.
You and I need to talk about chocolate cocaine.
I eagerly await the day CRISPR tech allows humanity to produce a plant / yeast strain that produces ALL TH’ DRUGS.
As long as there is still non-chocolate cocaine around so it’s not ruined for those of us who aren’t huge chocolate fans, like Ben and Jerrys got ruined
Ben & Jerry’s put cocaine in their ice cream!?
I wish! Nah, it’s all just chocolate and child labor
Silly, silly man. Wrong, of course. Women don’t ” love” chocolate. Women “need” chocolate. For many scientific reasons that your poor dumb brain can’t possibly comprehend, so I’ll use simple words. It keeps us from killing you.
Here’s your chocolate, ma’am. Now if you wouldn’t mind releasing the gentle pressure you’re applying to my jugular vein with a straight razor…
I’ll take watermelons. Easy peasy and they grow like crazy.
Eggplant. Often overlooked versatile veggie.
I’m trying to grow eggplant right now but none of the seeds are germinating.
Have you tired unplugging them and then plugging them back in?
/is not good at growing things.
Sometime I’ll do the rough equivalent – stir the ground back up. It doesn’t usually help, though – if they’re duds, they’re duds.
When I retire I’ll give growing from seed a try. For now I buy small plants at this super garden center near us. A 6 plant flat of eggplant costs under 3 euro and yields a good 20-30 euros worth of eggplant from August until early October.
How are you germinating them? The wet paper towel method has always worked best for me
I just put them in the ground. I don’t think they’re viable; I got them from a guy who took some stuff off my hands via Craigslist and they were a bit of a bonus, so I’m not expecting too much.
I’ve done the paper towel thing with cannabis and it has always served me very well also.
Cantaloupe. Biddybiddybop. Nothing better if you catch them at peak ripeness.
A few years ago we rediscovered the joy of cold canteloupe on a hot day. It’s so good.
With smoked ham it’s sensational in season. Procutto Melone is a summer stand by. Whoever figured out that salty-sweet combo was pure genius.
Yes, delicious! These sorts of simple small plates are the best
I will go with the closest known relative to Cannabis, the humble hop vine.
OK, when we get to hops I am going to make an executive ruling that you can draft a type of hops, but not all hops with one pick. We should probably do this with things like corn and wheat, too, but corn and wheat don’t really affect my beers, so I don’t care as much.
Beefreefer has first choice of a specific hops.
East Kent Goldings. YUM.
There it is!
We’re opening up corn and wheat to specific breeds as well. Get those heirloom breeds in there people, and let’s get weird.
I will grant veto power to RTD on the first corn breed if he wants it, same for BFC on wheat. C’mon people, I want to see some Neolithic stuff in here.
I do not care for this development. It’s like if the NFL allowed teams to clone players (which they most certainly will, once the quick-grow technology becomes available).
NO CLONES!!!
Just absolute chaos in the garden draft right now.
Same with reefer? If so, I want DJ Blueberry short.
Yes, but only if Yeah Right doesn’t want it first.
Blue Dream please.
Marijuana. That’s a serious cash crop. I can’t just LEAVE it there.
/Nate Newton has entered the chat
Going to take the humble potato.
/Steal of the draft?
Not in the 1840’s it wasn’t.
found the mick
baked, mashed, for fried for a start.
Can be used to make alcohol
what’s not to like?
Yeah, but can you build a house out of it?
“Sure can!” – Eli Manning, hurriedly building a structure using his french fries before Olivia gets back from the powder room and yells at him for playing with his food.
and if needed to be specific, I’ll take the Russet
The versatile rose can say “Let’s have some sex” or even “Sorry about what I said, let’s have some sex”
Opium poppies today. Opium poppies ta-marr-uh. Opium poppies FOAREVER
Good for putting Dorothy to sleep in the movies or in real life!
Also they’re kinda pretty:
I’d like to thank everyone for graciously avoiding picking the poppy until Hippo arrived.
Who says chivalry is dead?
Gotta admit I was tempted…
You are a scholar and a gentleman.
2. Oak Tree. You want to make casks for your Chardonnay? Fuck you, pay me. You wanna build some furniture, or put in some hardwood floors? Fuck you, pay me. You want a bunch of acorns so you can huck them at your kid brother? Fuck you, Eli. Pay me.
I’ll go with the playful peyote.
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Was thinking of my personal favorite, Psilocybe cubensis, but mushrooms aren’t plants.
2nd pick: Crepe Myrtle
Somebody’s gunning for Best Lawn at this year’s HOA awards.
Wish I could find that image of the Pasadena women that Sarah Sprague used to use for her posts.
I had a bright purple one in my yard in Birmingham, love them!
Rosemary. It’s the herbs and spices folks. Grow those in a planter if you have to. They add extra yardage to any meal.
Fun fact: Andy Reid measures meals in cubic yardage.
I’ll take Sugar Cane, on the same logic as Horatio’s coca pick
Diabetes is a myth.
It’s a reach but fuck it, The maple tree. Specifically the sugar maple so I can have Maple Syrup.
Found the hoser.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3niShPaKFY
I presume that comes with the entire nation of Canada so it’s not really a reach at all.
Banana peppers for second pick. I grew them one summer and want to grow them again.
Grapes. Now I can make wine.
Unrelated, but I’m watching a replay of the US-Mexico WBC game from last nigh and holy shit, they may as well have played that game at the Alamo.
2nd pick: Okra.
Bryant McKinnie’s “running through the okra patch” comment was the highlight of the Vikings’ Love Boat drama.
Also, okra is great lightly fried with some red pepper.
Classic
Zucchini. They grow well for me consistently every year.
The mighty coca plant
Empires have been built because of this plant, and nothing bad has ever happened because of it.
Basil to start. It’s easy and super fresh basil the the best.
Cannot beat it with your fresh tomatoes
Those tomatoes are mine, you son of a bit…
Oh, sorry, thought you were a woodchuck.
Day or two old bread, top with chopped tomatoes, basil, olive oil, salt – toast in the oven for 3 minutes = everyones favor side with nearly any/every meal. Bruschetta
I’ll take green beans. Have actually grown a few.
Barley.
Oh, sure, it’s fine in a soup, and you can make risotto with it, but let’s be honest, this is all about beer and whisky.
1st pick: White Flowering Dogwood
Stinky.
I’m so wrong! I apologize, stately Dogwood. It’s the stanky Bradford Pear I meant. The white flowers threw me off.
Strawberries. Easy to grow and incredible in smoothies.
I put those in planters wherever I have room. Good by us from May to September.
1. CORN!
This gets me a necessary ingredient for tacos (as well as a necessary ingredient to feed the livestock that also have an important role in the creation of tacos) as well as a potential distillate. This is a blue-chip pick that will serve as the foundation of my franchise for years to come.
Solid pick. Like taking a good offensive lineman — doesn’t wow the casual fan, but makes your entire offense better for years.
Protects the QB’s blind side and establishes the building blocks of civilization!
And I’ll take wheat.
https://youtu.be/ONPkddQFtTE
Tomatoes are gross from a texture perspective.
I think we can assume this will be Rikki’s first pick:
https://youtu.be/NfthYLvxVwk
I’ll get things started with an unlikely first pick: The cucumber plant.
The why: because you can always tell your kid to go look for more sprouts in whatever other plants that they’ve wound through, so parents get a 20- minute break from their 4-year olds.