I have never actually seen the movie Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead, but I’ve always liked the title. I think it has something to do with a guy being chased by the mob. I’m guessing they’ve tracked him to Denver. Other than that not sure. It’s probably not a comedy.
It did, however, give me the idea for a draft topic when I was really stuck for one. I had a bunch of ideas that just weren’t coalescing, (and yes, I’m aware of the “best place you’ve thrown up” suggestions, but on the odd occasions I threw up somewhere interesting I was generally too drunk to remember it.
So this week you’re picking two things. The first is the city/town/village where you’re spending your final day. Assume you’re not terribly upset about it. Maybe it’s like a Logan’s Run thing, but above ground, and with intact cities. Maybe you’re going to prison. I don’t know, just go with it. The second thing is the thing you would most like to do in that city for your last day. The world is your oyster, for 24 hours. You can make multiple picks, even using the same city, so long as the activity is different. You may also pick the same activity multiple times but in different cities. A city or activity is not off the board when it is picked, only that particular combination. The city has to have existed at some point, but it does not have to exist now. You want to go to Troy and tell the Trojans to give that wooden horse a good shake, that’s up to you.
Balls I’m just going to take ‘anal’ and ‘every organized municipality ever in existence on this planet’ off the board and give it to you.
Your host, of course, can only be Andy Garcia, from Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead
He’s not having a very good day, probably because I made him be commissioner for this draft.
With the first pick of the draft I am going to take Chicago, where I will spend the entire day exploring the Field Museum, the aquarium, and the planetarium in that science triangle they have over by Solider Field. It counts as one activity because you can walk to each one from the other, something you should keep in mind when making your own picks. Can you do it on foot? The pick is good! Do you need some sort of mass transit assist? The pick has been Blair Walshed.
Yours in the comments: 
“You just be logged in to vote”
I WROTE THE FUCKING ARTICLE!!!!
Final pick, I’m going to Australia to finally catch an AFL game live, drinking my face off, getting into a fight with a kangaroo, and then getting shot down by Cate Blanchett.
Oof! A walk through Central Park, a tour of MOMA (maybe the Guggenheim-the last time I was there they had a display of Wassily Kandisky’s works-fuckballs, his paintings are fascinating!)
Ok ala YR and others, I’ll do DC, walking the monuments (FDR is my favorite, you can tell the others), going to my favorite haunts, having dinner at minibar, and having intimate times* with my wife.
*3:1 odds I get turned down
I’m staying home, smoking weed, listening to music, and chilling with Gumby and my cat. Just like pretty much any day. And I will be on here with yinz too!
If it was my younger self it would be playing pickup basketball on an outdoor court for a few hours and then head to a patio and drink beer with my old restaurant buddies. I’d be tired, fulfilled, drunk and laughing my ass off.
Being with my loved ones and eating Krispy Kremes and 40 different flavors of fudge till my pancreas gives out and the sugar crystalizes in my blood to kill me. (Was not allowed to by 3 pounds of fudge yesterday- they even had almond joy fudge!)
This is a lot less Warhammer-intensive than I was anticipating.
At my office 👌🏼
Too bad about Henry Rollins.
Pompeii, the day the volcano erupts.
Have a nice pasta lunch and for a tip tell the restaurant staff they might want to get to stepping. Then see a volcanic eruption up close.
You should check out the brothels, I mean, when’s the next time you’ll be in Pompeii?
Judging from history I’ll probably be there a while.
Scrimmaging with the Bears, I may get my ass kicked but I won’t have to live with the next day’s soreness, and then I’m gonna get fucking hammered with the team.
“Have that new guy brought to my chambers tonight, after dinner, Jeeves.”
-Virginia McCaskey
Tranquility Base. Working on my golf swing.
That’s not a city yet, and when it is you’ll probably need a Tesla passport.
Appeal the ruling of the Commissioner on the grounds that an Unincorporated Area meets the requirements of a city in regards to its geographical location, or in this case lunagraphical.
Appeal is denied on the basis that I don’t understand most of those words, and also that I can’t really hear anything over the rumblings of Mt. Vesuvius. I’m sure it’s nothing though. Just give it a few minutes to quiet do
Tough but fair.
Gumby wants to go to a drag brunch in Palm Springs on his last day. He also told me he wants to dress like Elvis while we’re in Vegas.
Mess with Gumby and take him to a drag brunch on a random weekend!
First pick, I’ll stay home. Playing all six Bach Sonatas and Partitas at Carnegie Hall in the afternoon, which I think afterwards your soul does ascend to heaven automatically, then catch a Yankee game with friends where something historic happens (the good kind), then drinks at Martiny’s (pour one out for Angel’s Share but this is the spiritual successor), then spend my last hours with Senorita Weaselo and family.
Dublin, where I’ve brought a pint of Guinness and am getting my flithy mitts all over the Book of Kells
2nd pick:
Blowing Rock, NC, drinking myself into a stupor on good bourbon just as the sun goes supernova.
Blow Rock?
Palm Beach, FL. Making s’mores over the smoldering ruins of Mar-A-Lago while Trump cries like the whiny bitch that he…hold on, the Secret Service is calling me again
“You’ll give us a head’s up before that ‘accidental fire’ starts, right?”
-Secret Service Detail
Las Vegas getting a message from JLH.
As you can probably surmise I am dead set on checking out with my mug buried in a warm rack. I’ve had enough adventure in my life, screw going out that way.
Me: Quiet resolution and completion of life.
2Pack: Going out with a bang.
What will the message say?
/ducks tomatoes for repeat pedantry
https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/lamar-jackson-announces-he-has-requested-a-trade-says-ravens-not-interested-in-meeting-my-value/
I wish him nothing but the best in NFC, far away from the AFC playoffs.
Was Kayne also running the Ratbirds front office over the past season? Is that what happened to them?
Bora Bora. I’m eating raw fish, enjoying rum drinks, and not being bothered.
St. Simons Island, GA. Drinking a lemonade and watching the sunrise.
Yachats, Oregon. Reading while staring over the Pacific.
Was thinking about spending my last day in Houston, but I think like 500 other guys have already done that.
https://youtu.be/EuvlVo1QdLU
Next pick, making those nerds build me a time machine so I can go kill Hitler, preferably during Oktoberfest so I can have some good beer before and after.
If Andy Garcia has a problem with this, I suppose I’ll settle for Oktoberfest in the present, but I’ll need some other activity to make the beer even more satisfying.
“Are there hobos in Germany?”
-Anonymous, Parts Unknown, Canada
If you can travel to Troy to get a massage from Helen then you can travel to Munich and wipe out Hitler.
Munich with Katerina dancing to the umpha band until we collapse on a chase lounge in a dark corner.
Since it’s my last day, I don’t want to waste it traveling. I’ll stay here in LA and have a Langers pastrami sandwich for breakfast, walk over to Filipes for a beef dip- in reality I would probably get the lamb dip- and some cold ass beers. Wait a bit walk up the street to Yang Chow and finish the day with an order of slippery shrimp.
Realistically can be walked too.
/ really need to get downtown more often
I’d go back to Monte Carlo.
For my activity, I would want to try racing a car through the mountain tunnels (I walked these, and they were incredible).
Napoli swimming with Marika.
/smiling with a boner
Draft is over. 2Pack wins.
Since it’s my last day (not that any of us are allowed to die, without proper approval from DFO), I want to go wherever there’s all the illegal drugs that are available and try them all
I’ve never done any, and not even sure of what to list here to even try. I guess I’d start with cocaine, meth and heroin, and then go from there.
WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I haven’t tried meth or heroin, but I would definitely splurge for the good cocaine. It’s worth the difference and a little goes a long way.
Or take a hit of LSD and watch the sunset at Venice Beach. Stay until you are escorted from existence.
I’ll take Paris and going through the Louvre. So much to see, and even without all the artefacts, the place itself is a work of art.
Last day, going out in style:
Riding a B61 down onto Putin’s Black Sea getaway in Gelendzhik, Krasnodar Krai, Russia.
I love this pick. Hold on tight.
Here’s my ride to the drop off point:
I’ll go with scotch tasting on Islay. Did you know you can walk from Ardbeg to Lagavulin to Laphroaig? Because I’ve stumbled between them and would do it again, watching the sunset from the docks there, drunk and happy.
Do you prefer scotch to bourbon? Scotch is good, but I can’t do the super peety ones (is “peety” a word?).
Peaty is, and I love that shit.
It’s called museum campus, not science triangle.
And being right all the time would only be part of my last day, so I’m going to mull over this.
Do I look like I need pedantry on my last day?
This is easy.
Amsterdam and what Horatio said.