Tonight’s post category comes from my stomach. As a good American, fast food has comprised an unhealthy percentage of my diet since I was young. I have eaten at almost every fast food place you can think of and, over the course of the years, I have developed a list of items that I will order every single time I’m at a particular place. Tonight I’m discussing my favourite ones. If I could put these together as a Frankenmeal, I would. I suppose this is possible nowadays with Doordash but I refuse to use Uber and Lyft and any of those services that pay their workers shit while avoiding providing them health insurance.

As I mentioned in the first post, the plan is for this to be an ongoing off-season series on Saturday nights in which I present to you my five favourite somethings and then you comment and tell me:

• How I’m wrong
• Your Top Five
• Suggestions for the next top five list

Without further ado, I present to you my Top Five Items to Order at Fast Food Places!

1 – Mountain Dew Baja Blast Zero (Taco Bell)

The colour of it makes it seems like it’s a mixture of antifreeze and Blue Curaçao. However, the taste of it is amazing. I even have my dad hooked on these.

The thing I love the most is that the name is the flavour. It’s not “pineapple-coconut” or “cherry” or “blue raspberry”. It’s fucking “Baja Blast”!

The other thing I love is that it is only available at Taco Bell. They have an exclusive deal with Mountain Dew. I think you can buy cans or bottles of it somewhere but they’re extremely rare. The rarity gives it value. “Caché”, if you will.

Pros:

It is fucking delicious.

There is no other soft drink like it.

Cons:

The only place you can get it is at Taco Bell.

2 – McDonald’s French Fries

There are rumours that McDonald’s French Fries taste so good because they are fried in beef fat. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I do know that McDonald’s French Fries are the gold standard for fast food French Fries.

As a Wee Balls coming to the US from México, McDonald’s was the ultimate symbol of America. Even to this day, if I’m traveling anywhere around the world, the sight of the Golden Arches brings a piece of home to me.

Like most things in America, you don’t want to know how they’re made. You just want to know that they’re consistently delicious and they’re there for you any time you want. And isn’t that a metaphor for happiness in America?

Pros:

Best fries in the game.

I don’t know how they do it, but they’re perfectly salted.

Cons:

It seems the Woke Police have decided that McDonald’s French Fries are not good for you and have forced McDonald’s to reduce their sizes. STAY OUT OF MY CHOLESTEROL-CLOGGED ARTERIES!

3 – Jack in the Box 2 Tacos for 99 cents

This is another one from my youth. Quick story time: When I was young and we were fresh-arrived to this country, my family and I went to San Diego for a weekend getaway. On Saturday night, after a long day of sightseeing, my mom had a craving for tacos. Unfamiliar with our surroundings, we saw a Jack in the Box and saw the poster for the 2 for 99 cents deal.

Sold!

As you can probably guess, my mom was extremely disappointed. She said, “These aren’t tacos!”

Indeed they are not. However, they quickly became a family favourite. No, they’re not Mexican food. They’re their own thing and they’re delicious.

Pros:

Delicious and cheap.

Available anywhere at any time.

Cons:

Do not expect them to be real Mexican food.

4 – In-n-Out Double Double Animal Style

You’re probably familiar with the “secret menu” at In-n-Out. The animal style burger is different from the regular burger in several key ways:

• It has grilled onions.
• Mustard is applied to the patty and then the patty is grilled.
• Pickles!
• Lots of secret sauce.

This transforms the regular In-n-Out burger, which is already pretty good on its own, into something you crave repeatedly.

Seriously, I try not to eat red meat very often. When I do, though, and I want a burger, that’s the burger I get.

Pros:

Tastes so good, makes you want to slap yo momma!

Cheapest of the “best” burger places (looking at you, Five Guys and Shake Shack!)

Cons:

There is always a line at In-n-Out. Luckily, it usually moves pretty fast.

5 – Popeye’s Chicken Sandwich

The one that started the craze and spawned so many copycats. Seriously, it’s like everyone has to have a chicken sandwich on their menu!

But Popeye’s is the original and still the best. The chicken is juicy and perfectly fried. The pickles are the perfect complement. The bun by itself is soft and fluffy and delicious. Together, I can see why it was impossible to get one a few years ago when they first came out.

This sandwich has stood the test of time and it’s still amazing.

Pros:

Healthier than a burger. Barely.

Cons:

I always end up wanting to order desserts at Popeye’s when I get a chicken sandwich, but they keep rotating them and they don’t always have the ones I want!

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What say you in the comments?