Enough Decorum: The Sports That Are Total SH*T

Don T

Don T

Poor choices, mixed results.
¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre!
Titans4Eva
Don T

The club fútbol season is almost done and my TV says there are no EPL games today. However, the Bundesliga wraps up today, but the halftime ceremony at Bayern Munich featured Jerome Boateng with glasses, wearing a Nehru blazer.

Plus, yesterday Derby County defeated Shad Khan’s and litre_coUla’s Fulham 1-0 in the first leg of the playoffs for promotion to the EPL, so perhaps it’s best to regroup. Besides, getting “Wah Wah Zzzzoccer’s boring” crap FROM BASEBALL FANS is starting to irk. So you got it, the gloves are off: let’s discuss the sports that are total shit, which requires some parameters.

 The first: a sport may be shit if it’s not the NFL. From Scripture:

 The mere existence of pro football obviates the need for all other contests of athletic skill, yet these other “sports” (parlor games, really) remain despite their complete and utter irrelevance. Why we abide by such unnecessary, quasi-athletic diversions is a testament to our modern excess. Tunison I.1.1 (A.D. 2009).

Amen.

The second: it’s gotta be sustainably watchable. Which is another thing; we’re not talking about PRACTICING a sport—but watching it slovenly, which is the only way to analyze its intricacies. Now, watchablity. Attention must be promoted from events, not only from the expectation of something awesome happening. A counterexample from a sport that is definitely NAWT shit, boxing: sometimes all that keeps eyeballs on a fight, especially featuring a gifted defensive boxer, is the hope that he gets a haymaker to his fucking domestic-abuser grin.

 

Third: physical contact is un-shitty. If world-class athletes involved in top-level competition don’t get to mix it up–well, I don’t know what to tell ya. Having to deal with an opponent that’s owning your ass at a distance just doesn’t cut it as competitive drama (YMMV). But do feel free to expound on the awesomeness of golf and tennis.

With this in mind, MY shitty sports.

The NBA. Scoring uncalled travel scoring iso play uncalled travel scoring scoring–ugh. It’s cloying pinball shit. Saving grace: playing basketball is fucking great.

Baseball ON TV. Going to the park is great. But Jesus Christ the amount of MLB games just devalues any particular one. BUT, the World Baseball Classic is riveting! I don’t know why [insert screed on U.S. exceptionalism masking deep-seated provincialism]

And… That’s it. Hockey escapes me because I can’t see the damn puck, but the menace is freaking absorbing. And likewise with many other sports I don’t get into because my family wouldn’t stand for more neglect on my part.

To end on a hot taek: the NFL and fútbol. The rest is not worth keeping me in a coma to see if I wake up. And don’t get me started on organ donation. What a scam.

Banner via thepoliticalcarnival.net; gif via giphy.com; book quote from, DUH!, “The Football Fan’s Manifesto”, by Michael Tunison. 

Don T
Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva

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UnsurprisedBrettFavresColonoscopyKing HippoSenor WeaseloInanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli Recent comment authors
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Holy breweries, Batman. Today has been a good day.

King Hippo

Hate that I missed this. BEAUTIFUL HATE!!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Willson Contreas pounding the ball as if it were Mia Khalifa’s ass.

ballsofsteelandfury

@Son of Spam, will you grace us with your presence today?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

For anyone who finds baseball boring I submit for consideration one Javier Baez of the Chicago Cubs who has taken the mantle of Rex Grossman to become baseball’s Sex Cannon.

Take this pitch for a walk? Fuck it! He’s swinging for the fences. Ball hit into the gap for a double? Fuck it! He’s going for third? Caught in between third and home? Fuck it! He’s stealing home. Think he can get tagged out on a slide? Fuck it! He’ll switch arms mid slide to reach the base.

Plus, he’s got all that Latin panache that drives every other team’s fans batty.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Javy makes me squirt.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Your Majesty! Can we get a judgement on NASCAR? I feel it’s total shee-it, unless they had to pick cars off the local used car lot to race – then it might be watchable.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I would watch that…

Senor Weaselo

So… Top Gear challenges?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I would have countered with AFL but I’m too depressed with my Giants looking like a MASH unit with lower kick efficiency.

yeah right

My Dockers beat Saint Kilda! We can build on this.

litre_cola

You and I could beat St. Kilda alone.

scotchnaut

This Ginger Baker doc, “Beware of Mr. Baker” is the boss.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How is Ginger Baker like coffee?

Spoiler

They both suck without Cream

scotchnaut

/watching “Night Will Fall”

The nudity kinda bothers me a little bit.

SonOfSpam

Glad I googled what the film is about before I smartassedly responded.

Probably not a good movie to jerk to.

scotchnaut

Don’t any one of you dare sully The Battle of the Network Stars.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Agreed.
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Beastmode Ate My Baby

We deserved such wonder in the ’70s. Alas, that time has passed and we are now unworthy of such glory.

WCS

What about golf?

/is pelted off stage by a barrage of rotten fruit and large rocks

nomonkeyfun

Does the inherent douchiness of the players impact the shitty/not shitty ruling?

Lacrosse
/ducks many flying objects
You have some hitting, not full on checking (boo), hitting others with a stick repeatedly, balls being flung about at high speed. In person the game itself is easy to follow.

Senor Weaselo

Cons: It’s the national sport of Long Island.

yeah right

Interesting enough I find the pace and “ebb and flow” of soccer to be very similar to baseball. I can be working in the kitchen or washing some laundry or what have you and if a game is on in the background I can pay a nice ambient bit of attention to it.

I grew up playing baseball and I’ll always be a fan.

blaxabbath

I don’t care about hockey but I’ll go to a live game anytime anyone is interested. It’s a fun sport to watch, hockey crowds have a great energy, and the arena temps are always comfortably cool.

yeah right

I’ve always been a boxing fan. I watch a lot of MMA and when it’s a good contest, upright fight it can be riveting. If it’s more grappling or “prison sex” not quite so much. A good, evenly matched boxing match is the peek of sports viewing.

SonOfSpam

The fuck you got against prison sex, peckerwood?

ballsofsteelandfury

BTW, the Sevilla Derby is on now. If you don’t think it’s a big deal when Real Betis and Sevilla FC get together…

And just like that Betis are ahead!

ballsofsteelandfury

Mi amigo, hockey es básicamente fútbol en hielo pero también se meten en peleas y pierden varios dientes. Yo digo que si cuenta…

ballsofsteelandfury

How can you hate a sport that brings us the lovely and talented Elizabeth Lambert?

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SonOfSpam

I have the most confused boner right now.

Senor Weaselo

So does robot combat count?