Yesterday afternoon, while perusing the Kentucky Derby comments and making my own pick to win, (can’t believe Emmitt Smith let me down like that), I noticed Dunstan suggesting, possibly without even knowing it, a draft of fictional animals. Goddamn! I thought, that’s not only a great idea but it’s way better than the one I had.
Worst Songs To Get A Lap Dance To, and I will be using that in the future and the first pick is The Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald. So just be prepared.
As to this topic the rules are easy, and should be obvious: Is it an animal? Is it fictional? If you can answer yes to both of these questions, you can draft that fictional animal. Now, anticipating a couple of issues it does not have to be a cartoon. Lassie was a real collie, but the character wasn’t real. You can draft Lassie. You could also draft Old Yeller, but if you do that you may as well just wear a big “I’m a psychopath” sign around your neck.
Item the second: it does not have to be a real animal the we would recognize on Earth. We’re talking fictional animals here, so if you wanted to draft Gleep, that green and useless monkey the Wonder Twins had you could do that. I have no idea why you’d want to, but you could. If whatever it is is recognized as an animal wherever it comes from, you can draft it.
Item the third: Your pick has to be something we recognize from pop culture. You can’t just say “I want a horse with the head of a duck!” even if I did use that for the featured image. Now, if that horse with the head of a duck has a name and has appeared in a work of fiction of any kind, go for it. If you just have a need to have a horse with the head of a duck well, keep that shit to yourself, weirdo.
Dunstan came up with this pick, so I’m awarding him the first pick. Of course, I also didn’t tell him about this like, ever, so I have to go by his comment and I will therefore award him:
Scooby Doo! I believe Dunstan preferred him over Snoopy, as Scooby Doo was perceived as being better for team chemistry. Probably true if somewhat unfair, since Snoopy clearly had issues with PTSD from his time as a WWI fighter pilot.
With the second pick I will take:
The Kraken. The oceans are mine, plus I’m guessing he can get me pretty good seats to Stanley Cup play-off games.
The rest of you are on the clock.
In the meantime I’ll take Mr. Peabody. Traveling through time, yes please.
Quiet, you.
Another “in memorium” selection: Macuiltochtli
‘Five Rabbit’; from Classical Nahuatl: macuilli, ‘five’ + tochtli, ‘rabbit’) is one of the five deities from Aztec and other central Mexican pre-Columbian mythological traditions who, known collectively as the Ahuiateteo, symbolized excess, over-indulgence and the attendant punishments and consequences thereof.
Postclassic central Mexican traditions identified rabbits with the beverage pulque and insobriety, and by extension Macuiltochtli had a particular association with inebriation and excessive consumption.
Macuiltochtli was also part of the Centzon Tōtōchtin, the four hundred rabbits which were all gods of drunkenness.
Outstanding.
The whole “symbolized excess, over-indulgence and the attendant punishments and consequences thereof.” also seemed to be apt for a Monday morning at DFO….
A run on rabbits and all of you miss The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog? For shame.
Yoink!
A definitive ruling on Calvin’s age: he is 6.
https://case.edu/ech/articles/c/calvin-and-hobbes#:~:text=Created%20by%20Bill%20Watterson%20(1958,friend%2C%20a%20tiger%20named%20Hobbes.
While we’re on ages, how old is Lola Bunny?
/I can pretend this is a Matt Gratz joke if necessary
I just skimmed this and don’t see anything about her age. She appeared 26 years ago and is considered Bug Bunny’s girlfriend, so I’m going to say 26.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lola_Bunny
One more Bun Bun Memorial selection:
The Esquilax!
2. Legally obligated to draft Spyro. Let’s say I traded down for Sparx as well.
Also in honor of Lil Bun: El-ahrairah.
How is Hobbes still on the board?*
*also works well for our eventual philosopher’s mock draft.
I Kant see doing a philos…
/gets shot by Pun Police
See, I wasn’t sure if he would be a stuffed tiger or a real one. I’m not sure my imagination is powerful enough to bring him to life.
None of us have the imagination of a 8-9 year-old, which is where I assume Calvin is.
I’d have put him a little younger.
You sir, are correct, as is Señor.
I think he’s in first grade, so 5-6?
(Google confirms he’s 6.)
Could be. I moved him up because he was clearly old enough to be interested in Susie Derkins, but young enough that he had to pretend girls were gross and gave you cooties.
I seem to remember 3rd grade as being the peak of that, but I am also very old and should not be relied on for such things.
Either way, there’s even less of a chance of one of us competing with the imagination of a 5-6 year old.
The Fulham game has gone full plaid.
3. I’ll take the Fantastipotamus. Not sure what it actually looks like, but I can’t wait to find out!
Shocked that Stampy is still on the board.
He’s a well-known jerk.
Scrooge McDuck. He cut loose eventually and has oodles of money to fund shenanigans.
Or maybe he has a little…accident…
(Family Guy really got it right with this bit.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpbKWReQwsY
I’ll take Brian Griffin…
In honor of the late, lamented Bun bun, I choose Harvey
Why thank you. 🙂
What happened?
Nothing. Bun Bun went to go live with a nice farm family upstate, that’s all.
Just read about it. So sorry. He never would’ve tasted a tomato without you, LLL.
Sigh, eventually, the Black Rabbit of Inle comes for us all…
Thanks, although I’ve had pets for 40 years, this was especially sad because we had to feed him milk when he was so young, and my kids loved him.
Agh. That’s hard. Well, if it will help them cope with the loss, you can always have your children shoot the dog that killed him.
I cannot stop laughing about this.
I’m glad you saw it as humorous, as it was meant to be…
Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a gif from the Kids in the Hall “Old Yeller” skit.
I spit out most of a drink on that one.
Little LLL was very frustrated that Blanton (our pointer) had “Knocked over the cage, allowing Bun Bun to escape into the yard.”
Bruce the Shark from Jaws
Fawkes the phoenix.
Good god Leicester City. Just walk off the field already.
Hey, that rhymes.
No it doesn’t.
“Hey, that rhymes too!” – Horatio
Horatio can’t rhyme. He is wrong all the time. We must give him a pass. For he is a dumbass.
“That doesn’t rhyme at all, Gumbygirl”
-Lea Michele
With what?
His talent for rhyming is why he’s known as “MC Connecticut”.
3rd Round: errybody’s favorite fox-eared asshole: Babou the Ocelot!
excellent pick
Sure, if you want all of your furniture to smell like ocelot urine.
Chookity-pok, I pick Mooncake
They should relegate the entire bottom five (Lester, Robins Hood, Everton, Sham Town, Leeds) and super-promote Wrex-In-Effect and Notts County to the Prem.
Also, my 2nd pick is the best dead cat ever to run FOAR President (1984)
EDIT – Bill the Cat, for all y’all CTRL-Fers
In the second round I select By-Tor
Will leave the Snow Dog out there…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UU62UcP_BA
Michael Jackson did a song about him, so you know he’s BAD! (Shamone)
2. There’s an Isaac Asimov story about a guy who opens a portal through time and brings forward some dinosaur eggs that hatch and one gets accidentally electrocuted and ends up tasting super delicious. So I’ll take that. Dinachicken.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Statue_for_Father
Well, since I’ve got Scooby already, might as well load up on mystery-solving dogs and take The Littlest Hobo. (Just got to keep scotchy away.)
Yes, Matt Millen is advising me on draft strategy, why do you ask?
“Not sure the littlest hobo is available right now. Last I heard he was doing a short stretch in the county jail outside of Abilene for some petty theft.” – Jim Tomsula
I was doing some late night cooking and wandered over to look at the calendar. There were a lot of events penciled in so I took a closer look. My son is in his last year of elementary school, and Tuesday, May 16th reads “Finn Graduation”. Thursday, May 25th reads “Last Day of School!”. The very first thing that went through my mind was fury that he was being unnecessarily exposed to a possible school shooting for seven days. That is horribly fucked up.
Anyway, apropos of nothing, for my third round pick, Opus.
I used to have a stuffed Opus. A girl-who-was-a-friend of mine went through a bad break-up and I let her borrow Opus. Got him back with mascara all over his beak. Later on she stole him for good.
The moral of the story here is, of course, Plbttth!, as Bill the Cat, (already drafted), might say.
The run on dragons begins. I’ll take Drogon.
Enjoy second-place, everyone else.
Falkor. Have fun on the ground, losers.
[throws down clipboard angrily] – Eli Manning
The neverending storee, eee, eee,eee🎶🎵
Litre, watching Fulham right now:
1. Laddie
I take Stimpy! Which means I’m probably stuck with Ren.
.
Magic nose goblins for everyone!
Smaug
The Great A’tuin-the turtle from the Discworld series. He/She/It literally has the world on it’s
shoulderscarapace!In the first round I take Godzilla. Value and sheer mayhem.
Taking inspiration from Senor, Dogmeat from Fallout 4. An unkillable dog? Yes please!
I was sort of hoping Dogmeat would drop another couple of rounds. No way I could pass up Cerberus, though.
You made a mistake. Sure, Cerberus will do a great job of guarding your property, but good luck using him to help pick up trashy women.
What are you on about, Rikki? He’ll pick them up 3 at a time, and
You’re going to make a greah khan someday, Horatio.
Probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about me.
/Glares at ungrateful children
“As khan, it’s really just a numbers game. You’re guaranteed at least *some* of them will feel grateful.” – Genghis, looking out over a stadium full of his descendants
/man, I am bad with the typos today
Am I going to clean up the video game sector? You bet!
1. Sonic the Hedgehog
Twenty years ago in internet history might as well be Medieval in IRL context.
Ah, crap! Beat me to it.
Jake. A thankless, miserable bastard bird with no sense of gratitude or loyalty to a man who hand fed his clumsy, wounded ass until he could fly. What, you can’t stop by a park bench and say hello? Eat some breadcrumbs! Let the crazy old bastard talk to you for five minutes! Would that kill you?!
LongtimeLionsLoser was here [carved into the wooden window sill]…
Aaaaand Fulham vs. Leicester City is UNDERWAY!!!
Come on, you Whites!
/gets put on FBI watch list
#RiseUpWhiteMen
“Leicester City will not relegate us!!”
Is Leicester City the part of town where Marc Trestman and Brad Childress live?
2nd Round: Blue, the Velociraptor
Off topic, but for all the brand new Panthers fans here:
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Fvm3VrrXgAMRDxm?format=jpg&name=medium
Cerberus
Go ahead, Ed. Let your cows roam into my yard again this summer. See what happens.
Bugs Bunny
Damnit, that was going to be my pick!
Proving, once again, that there are no small roles, only small actors, I present my (possibly controversial) second round selection; the stuffed moose head from the film “Arthur”. Amazing performance. Totally underrated straight man in the scene. Must have taken notes from Gielgud. Smart moose.
I’m guessing next round you’re going with the stuffed beaver from The Naked Gun
[hunches angrily over notebook]
Next pick:
Dino!
2. The Pig of Eden from the Simpsons, with its limitless supply of bacon, ribs, pork chops, etc
https://youtu.be/uCG7o5VCX4A
man, talk about #DeepCuts!
Princess Carolyn, from the Bojack-verse. oh, FISH!
🥰
I’m gonna pull a Vancouver Canucks and trade up for back to back picks and grab Snoopy and Woodstock.
Snoopy would be an awesome dog (despite the aforementioned PTSD), and you cannot separate those 2.
The Sedin twins nod in agreement
The greatest fictional dad on TV right now and it isn’t close, Bandit Heeler from “Bluey”:
1st Round: Pegasus
Going to get the big board put together for the Terrible Lapdance Songs draft…
/crosses pegasus off draft board
See, I disagree with Horatio’s contention that The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald is the worst song. That’s a 6 minute song!
You’re essentially getting a two for one!
Yeah the worst song is clearly, HEY BALLS IS TRYING TO GET US TO GIVE UP OUR DRAFT BOARDS
I was thinking if you ignore the lyrics, that one is a fucking grinder! A good dancer would in any Northern go-go bar should memorize all the pedal steel slides on that song for maximum undulation effect.
Look, if you can get off to 29 guys drowning in the frigid waters of Lake Superior that’s a you thing.
This is going to be a fun draft!
The Pink Panther
Minotaur