I killed a man today.
I didn’t mean to.
Well, that’s not quite accurate. I meant to do him grievous bodily harm; to paraphrase blues legend R.L. Burnside, him dying was between him and the Lord.*
But I sure wasn’t too broken up about his mortal coil choosing to shuffle off a bit earlier than scheduled.
You see, he stopped to watch the fender bender.
I’ve said this before, but in Mayhem’s America there will be fewer crimes. Not “less crime”- although that will be the eventual inevitable result. No, I propose to simplify the criminal code when I am named Grand Supremo, eliminating some crimes, combining others and generally harmonizing the edifice of criminal justice into a relatively simple and easily understood set of precepts.
Not only will this simplify the populace’s understanding of Allowed and Disallowed, but it will also make law enforcement and the criminal justice system simpler, faster and less susceptible to the disparate impacts we currently see in different communities and different parts of the population. There is copious psychological and sociological research that when a crime is more certain to be punished, that has a bigger deterrent effect than raising the severity of potential punishment with a lower likelihood of being caught.
But for some things, justice must be swift, certain and severe. Strict measures must be taken so that the offending individual is not simply punished, but removed from Society permanently so that their rot will not spread.
I speak, of course, of the gaper.
This foul creature goes by many names; you may know them as “rubbernecker” or “lookie lou.” Perhaps you don’t even have a word for drivers who slow down to look at the scene of an accident. Sweet summer child…
Regardless of the label, the diseases they spread are the same: delay, chaos and carnage. How many times have you been caught in a massive traffic delay only to reach the chokepoint and find…nothing. Maybe two random folks who had a minor accident. Maybe a guy with a flat trying to change his tire. Maybe literally nothing at all. Think of all the wasted time, the wasted fuel, the mental aggravation caused by assholes who slow down to look FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN OBSCENE MORBID CURIOSITY.
By indulging their sick fetish for the suffering of roadside strangers, these highway hellions are causing spiritual damage to you, me, and everyone we interact with down the line- a wave of dark energy sweeping over America. And it’s time for that to stop.
I have always made it a campaign plank that, under my benevolent administration, individuals found to have caused “gaper’s delays” would be subject to immediate public roadside execution. Yes, this may in turn prolong delays as others slow to watch Instant Justice being meted out; but only temporarily. By the end of the first month, our statisticians guarantee me that anyone with the slightest inclination toward Illegal Spectatorism will have been weeded out. We will then be free to live our lives without this psychic stain on our national consciousness.
But of course, this is just a dream. A dream of what might be, if the people of America had the courage and fortitude to hand me absolute control of their lives and property.
But today…today, I took the first small step toward making the dream a reality. Toward making sure that our children, and our children’s children, never have to live in fear of The Rubberneck Delay. With God by my side and a tire-iron in my hand, I showed the world what could be…
Now, can someone lend me some bail money?
*Original quote: “I didn’t mean to kill nobody … I just meant to shoot the sonofabitch in the head. Him dying was between him and the Lord.”
NFL NEWS:
Nothing. Jack shit.
-Literally the biggest news is that Jimmy Garoppolo had to massively rework his contract with the Raiders because his foot was so borked that he couldn’t pass the physical without a waiver. “Man Who Gets Severely Injured Regularly Is Injured” isn’t exactly front-page news, NFL.com…
-Le’Veon Bell “revealed” that he would smoke up before games, and that Adam Gase was a complete fucking muppet as a head coach. Truly revelatory shit…
WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:
Also nothing. Denver is trying to ward off boredom as Miami scrapes the residue of the Celtics’ entrails off their sneakers. The Las Vegas Golden Knights have until the weekend to prepare for something called the “Florida Panthers.” TBS is interrupting its block scheduling of Friends and Young Sheldon for Phillies vs. Mets, and its a measure of my utter disdain that I wish they hadn’t.
ESPN 2 is showing the “New York Liberty” versus the Seattle Storm at 8 pm Central. The Liberty are in quotation marks because they are really the Brooklyn Net-ettes and are trying to Super Team the league- how did that work for the normal Nets? The Storm…well, they’re owned by actual fans of the franchise who bought it in 2008 to keep it from moving or folding. So I guess Go Fish-Tossers?
QUIZ TIME:
Would you rather fight 20 mouse-sized horses, or 1 guy wearing a bowtie “ironically”?
[…] of you voiced whole-hearted- dare I say fervent?- support for my Modest Proposal regarding summary roadside executions of […]
70 comments? Niiiice.
Good night, my tiny pastel ponies!
Not going to say what I was hoping would happen here, but Rikki or blax might:
https://www.instagram.com/p/Cs4wfi1NZ5N/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
She’s just pissy because some other grifter grifted the money she was grifting from the MAGA rubes. Damn shame, really. She seems so nice.
Sounds like the kind of thing you’d see on an episode of The Real Grizzly Moms of Anchorage.
WTH is going on in BC?
https://twitter.com/CTVVancouver/status/1663304650550919169
This was clearly an attempted plot by the Cavity Creeps!
Oh lawd, I gigglesnorted at this!
Also, how valuable is toothpaste in Canadia? If you were going to see a toothpaste heist anywhere, I’d have put my money on England, because its scarcity there is well-documented.
Same as here. Around 10 loonies.
I’m more curious how this cabal of thieves managed to have a kid’s wagon to conduct the heist.
The getaway car!
“Eli! Did you…did you take one of the icepicks from the bar?” – Olivia Manning, hearing the outro from the Wiggles cover of Layla blaring from behind her son’s closed bedroom door.
(it is a tragedy that there is no such thing as a Wiggles cover of “Layla”. I assume it would have lots of slide whistle in it)
When y’all asked why I’m so nervous when Cincinnati sports teams have a seemingly insurmountable lead, its because of near shit like this.
Cincinnati Reds vs. Boston Red Sox Results, Stats, and Recap – May 30, 2023 Gametracker – CBSSports.com
I though the Florida Panthers were extinct?
Mouse sized horses would be way too adorable to fight
They fight midget horses don’t they.
Diet Matt Gaetz?
I believe this question has already been settled rather unequivocally.
https://twitter.com/RyanKoenigsberg/status/1652369254765965314
Some years ago, I was driving on the interstate when traffic suddenly slowed to a stop. For three miles, we were going slower than slow. Even snails were turning their cars off due to our rate of “speed”. After what seemed like eras of my life gone by, I found the source.
Two cars involved in a fender bender. On the other side of the interstate!
Now, before you ask, I’m certain that no other cars were involved and that it wasn’t a serious injury, because (1) the hospital was on my side and any ambulance or helicopter would’ve speed by us on the other side and (2) their side was driving past it faster than ours. I-70 EB was down one lane due to accident but was going faster than I-70 WB with all lanes open.
tl;dr You’ve got my vote! And not just because the DFO Bylaws requires all members to vote for any other members running for elected office in their jurisdiction.
This seems vaguely important.
https://www.sltrib.com/news/politics/2023/05/30/rep-chris-stewart-plans-resign/
Because of the tight margin of votes in the the putting-a-gun-to-the-head-of-the-American-economy I mean debt limit crisis?
I just learned of something referred to as the “shoe trick” – if you have a baby in the backseat, put one of your shoes back there too so when you get to your destination there is zero chance you forget about the kid.
“Oh, I’m sure I’ll remember it.” – Lea Michele
“I don’t have to remember it, because by the time I get out of jail, my kids will be finishing up elementary school!” – Elizabeth Holmes, who reported to prison today
She should get some time reduced from her sentence for swindling Kissinger in her scam
Dianne Feinstein pledged to invest half a million dollars on seven separate occasions, but never remembered to actually write a check.
She doesn’t remember a single one of them.
My grandparents would do this whenever they had the dogs in the car. It’s an old thing that’s coming back.
Have also heard to do that when using the safe in the hotel room
This is why I keep my keys locked safely inside the glove compartment whenever I’m out. Window replacements get pricey, though.
That happened to one of my neighbors in Birmingham, it was awful. But their little girl, Elizabeth, survived and has pretty much recovered completely.
For the rubber necking, I say that you can have any road with out a speed limit just put some random flashing lights along the side of the road and there’s no way with all the idiots that you’d ever be able to speed
Is the one guy wearing a bowtie happen to have been eviscerated live on CNN by Jon Stewart? If so, I’ll need a crowbar, a blowtorch, a shovel and some lye for an intense gardening session. Somewhere in a New Jersey swamp
I’m planning to get the Dr. Mrs. some fancy chocolates for our anniversary. Question for the kommentist party: should I get it in advance to surprise her with (she’ll be coming back from her trip on the day of our anniversary)? Or should I wait until she’s back and take her there (also as a surprise) so she can make her own selections?
I would say second choice except for the possible “You should know me well enough by now to select for me”. Thoughts of my ex can still make me shudder.
Get them before so it shows you remembered
That sounds sensible.
Agreed. Worst case you go back with her afterwards.
I second that
Also, is she going to want to go out when she’s just getting back from a trip?
It’d be the next day.
If there’s rubbernecking, someone better be dead or on fire.
Like that time we were on the Hutch after my recital, and I said that… and on the other side of the road there was a Beetle on fire. We had to make a ruling on if there’s an extra punch if the Punchbuggy is on fire.
And what was the ruling?
I think a flaming beetle is two punch worthy.
I think we ruled against it, but again, I had just played a two-hour recital so I think the big thing was that the wait was worth it.
I’m been messing around with this time loop bit for too long; it’s affecting my own kommenting. Just look what got stuck in the idea loop last night and I’m only thinking of now:
THIS GUY JAYLEN BROWN I CALL HIM A MASSEUSE HIRED BY BOB KRAFT BECAUSE HE HANDLES THE BALL LIKE IT’S COVERED IN OIL.
There are no timelines where Boston won.
When I get close to the scene I roll down my window and start screaming, I HOPE IT’S YOUR MOM!
I would say kids instead of mom. Like how I curse telemarketers, “May you outlive your children.”
One guy wearing a bowtie, especially if it was Tucker Carlson pre-White Supremacist Apotheosis so I could beat him to death without fear of his becoming an incel martyr.
Rubbernecking is wired into our brains. When we were living in caves and getting eaten by sabertooth tigers, ignoring that half-eaten corpse of that goofus from the tribe next door was probably a good way to end up as something’s dinner.
[nods sagely] – Mike Glennon
Also…
Rev, why have the #BFIB started playing shitty again? DUE SOMETHING
Fear not- St. Nolan the Greater (Arenado) and Lesser (Gorman) have redeemed our souls
I’ve been watching way too much Pornhub because I saw “gaper” and my mind went in the gutter.
It certainly puts a twist on Kiss With a Fist, that’s fo sho
I was gonna offer a link to a gaper vid that would REALLY fire him up.
The one with the broken light bulb.
.
That’s some good .gif’n.
I would just capture the horses, dye them pastel colors and sell them to Bronies.
And the bow tie wearer deserves the beating.
Future Sen. Franken’s depiction of then-real Sen. Simon (D-IL) on SNL was hilarious on that topic.
I would pay per view Tucker’s ass whooping.
Sign me up.
You can call me a Brony all day, just gimme some mouse-sized pastel horses!