OK, let’s make this quick. Thanks to something called ‘the Greenland Block’, (Zymm, while you’re stuck there anyway see if you can give that thing a quick shove and get it moving), Connecticut has been stuck in a weather pattern involving near constant, and heavy, rain and/or thunderstorms, along with humidity straight outta the Georgia swamps. Maybe even worse than Georgia, as a certain Georgia-born country star found out the hard way last night.
Anyway, the weather sucks and I’m tired and likely dehydrated. It’s 10:30 and I just got back from walking the dog, as this was the earliest I could do it and not risk his drowning, or more likely my wife not letting either of us back in the house. While strolling along, sweating in places no one should sweat in, I wracked my brain for a good draft topic.
I didn’t get one, so I just said screw it, we’re drafting offensive lines. NFL training camps start soon, right? So it’s topical!
This week’s topic will require you to make at least 5 picks. Or don’t. As I’m sure some people would say to me…
But I am running this draft, so the rules are as follows: You make 5 picks. 2 tackles, 2 guards, and a center. You must draft a right and left tackle and guard. No taking two left tackles and saying that you’re going to move him to right, or taking a tackle and saying you’re going to move him to guard. No, you’re not.
Any NFL player is eligible. No NCAA or CFL guys. They do not have to exclusively played the position they’re drafted for, but they do have to have predominantly played it.
You must draft players one at a time, waiting ten picks or 30 minutes between picks. The picks must be individual players as well. No taking ‘the 1982 Washington Slurs’ for example.
With the first pick I will take ‘The Kitchen,’ Dallas Cowboys left guard Nate Newton.
Newton was a big part of the 1990-1995 Cowboys glory years, and I always liked Nate. Plus anyone so determined to follow through on a job that they get arrested twice in five weeks with a combined 388 lbs of marijuana can probably be counted on to carry out his blocking assignments.
The rest of you are on the clock.
This has been an excellent thread to remind one just how fucking glorious life will seem 6-7 weeks from now. FITBAW!!!!
Round 5: And rounding out the squad at Right Tackle, he was as good a player as he was a horrible broadcaster, Dan Dierdorf.
So left to right:
LT- Jumbo Elliott
LG – Gene Upshaw
C – Kevin Mawae
RG – Jerry Kramer
RT – Dan Dierdorf
Cool!
He and Stink could have a nice Celebrity Death Match for the best OL/worst broadcaster hybrid title.
Careful cowboy, my boy is swinging a lisp that’ll make yew bust a mute button quicker’n goose shit slides through a tin horn. And just on sight, I imagine his halitosis alone could knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon. I counsel peace.
I remember when I was a kid there were two years in a row he picked the Rams to win the Super Bowl and both years they finished like 4-12 or worse.
Okay I’m following this up and it must have been sometime between 1990 and 1994, which means they were better than 4-12 at least once. But they *did* suck.
pick the final – Chandler Zavala, RG (Black Panthers by way of NC State). Huzzah!
Center: Jim Otto
Guard: Bruce Matthews
Guard: Conrad Dobler
Tackle: Willie Roaf
Tackle: Forrest Gregg
Please watch your feet, you don’t want to trip on all the Hall of Fame/Super Bowl trophies hanging around. (Dobler excepted)
My right tackle was a “how it started, how it’s going” hall-of-famer
I think Mandarich deserves some credit for coming back and having a few serviceable seasons for the Colts after the initial washing out. I think he’s a fairly well-thought-of photographer these days, which I doubt anyone saw coming.
Once you get your five in feel free to pick some back-ups, too. Or not. I’m not your supervisor.
I’d also like to note that the smoke from the Canadien wildfires is back in CT today. Are you people not familiar with water?
RT-Rayfield Wright
RG-Joe DeLamielleure
C-Mike Webster
LG-Nate Newton (does anyone else smell skunk?)
LT-Walter Jones
I think we’re going to gain a couple of yards.
While doing my homework I checked out Rosey Grier who played football in the 50’s and 60’s. He’s the author of Rosey Grier’s Needlepoint for Men, Race, Religion and Racism and also Asterix and the Big Fight. He was RFK’s bodyguard, he’s still alive at 91(!) and you may remember him from this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWHNA_j7h5A&ab_channel=elefunkd
Yeah…about that…
One little mistake, sheesh.
I saw that with my first boyfriend Kevin, double feature with one of the Christopher Lee Dracula’s. My sworn enemy/ future friend Susan sat a few rows behind and threw M&Ms at us.
LT: Anthony Muñoz
LG: Steve Hutchison
C: Chuck Bednarik
RG: Larry Allen
RT: Joe Stydahar
Oh yeah, this shit works.
Alright, my final pick, at center….Chuck Bednarik
Oh you only remember him as a defensive player (murdering Frank Gifford)?
Well he was also the starting center and one of the last of the two way players. My guys (and their leather helmets) will fuck you up
/team immediately loses to any 300 pound squad from the 2000s
Don’t care, it’s an all Hall of Fame lines bitches.
I meant to add the proviso that all players are assumed to be on equal basis with players from another era.
Otherwise, yes, the guys with leather-helmets would be absolutely road-graded by today’s behemoths.
“Behemoth” would have been great for last week’s draft. Dammit.
Dallas Cowboys RT Rayfield Wright, shown here about to put a hurting on a Youngblood.
Reading up on him just now he got his first start against Deacon Jones and was told, (accurately), that Jones was “big and strong and mean.” Wright supposedly shrugged and said “Well, so am I.”
Laurent Duvernay-Tardif Right Guard
Played for the Chiefs, left to focus on medicine during the Pandemic.
https://www.nfl.com/news/fa-ol-laurent-duvernay-tardif-pausing-nfl-career-again-for-medical-residency#:~:text=Laurent%20Duvernay%2DTardif%20is%20once,he%20told%20the%20Associated%20Press.
Center: Kent Hull (BUF). Playing center in the K-Gun offense ain’t a walk in the park.
Round 4: Left Guard. On any hand-picked fantasy NFL offensive line, there must be a mean Raider. Gene Upshaw: God Damn Monster
Last guy on the line is Forrest Gregg and his 11 Pro Bowls.
He wasn’t very big, but his technique won matchups.
When Lombardi called him “the finest player I’ve ever coached”, that means something.
Pick teh 4th: Joe Thuney, LG (Chefs/P*ts, by way of NC State)
He was the first all-American Wolven Sort OL since the aforementioned Ritcher. Transfer from LSU, which was much appreciated.
I’ll take Art Shell for LT. Got a lot of respect for Art. He always played the Stillers tough.
Round 3: Center. Six Pro Bowls with the Jets, 2 more with DonT’s Titans. In his LAST SEASON Chris Johnson ran for 2,006 yards. Kevin Mawae.
/crosses Kevin Mawae off of draft board
Right guard is Tom Mack, because I have this exact card somewhere
Ok, for right tackle, I’ll draft a Bear. Joe Stydahar, from West by God Virginia, Papa Bear Halas’s first draft pick in the NFL’s first ever draft, and a hall of famer in his own right.
The leather helmet could be a problem, but I’m sure he can shake that off.
https://www.profootballhof.com/news/2018/04/news-joe-stydahar-the-first-drafted-player-to-make-it-to-canton/
I was very tempted to draft a hometown fave, Big Cat Williams, but I want an all Hall of Famer team here.
Pick #3 – Joe Milinichik, RT (Detroit FUCK LioUns, by way of NC State)
Was the 69th overall pick in the 1986 Draft, which I know we can all agree is nice.
Jackie Slater (RT): more a “how many great Right Tackles were there?” pick
GODDAMMIT
Well here you go, since I had this teed up.
Being nicknamed Big Bad Jackie is cool, going out and handling anything the defense throws at you for 20 goddamn years is cooler.
https://youtu.be/mBXP5NC3arg
Man, Jim Everett liked to throw off his back foot. Watching that made my eyes bleed.
Wimbledon is over; it’s okay to go back to calling him “Chris” now – nobody will get confused.
You son of a bitch.
Joe DeLamielleure, RG.
I tried to find a picture of him blocking for OJ Simpson, but for some reason those pictures are just really hard to find.
He also gets credit as a contender in the Most Hockey Name in Football contest
I believe that line called themselves The Electric Company.
It’s fitting, because OJ should have gotten the chair.
Right Guard: Will Shields
That’s a fantastic photo. I’m sure it’s a field goal attempt, but it’s more fun to imagine he’s just blocking three guys at once on a run play.
Going to take Tunch Ilkin for my right tackle.
I read that as Tungsten O’Doyle was like “wait, that’s a real guy!?”
Turkish name, IIRC. He was a great color commentator after he hung up the cleats. He could dissect and explain line play in a way that even a dumbass like myself could gain new insights.
Round 2 Reach!: Parcells loved him. Went to Sachem North HS on Long Island and played multiple seasons at left tackle for the football Giants AND Jets. New York legend Jumbo Elliott.
Left tackle Willie Roaf and his 11 Pro Bowls is just sitting there. Yoink!
Steve Hutchinson left guard.
blair
I’ll take Steve Hutchison as my second guard since Walter Jones was only one of the reasons Shaun Alexander looked like a Pro Bowler in Seattle.
witch
I think you two just ripped a hole in the fabric of time
I’d say the Blair Witch had talent, but you and Yeah Right sent this in at the exact time.
I’m afraid the only way to settle this is a fight to the death.
Thank the Lord, I thought you were going to suggest a cook off.
I can still use my knives though.
Might as well just give him to Yeah Right if we go that route. And I would say that about all of us.
So instead… I keep him by virtue of DFO publishing mine on the bottom?
I want some nasty attitude on my line so I’m going with Conrad Dobler at the other guard spot. Remember that time he played with a club on his arm?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wheTogztk0A&ab_channel=ImaSportsphile
“Conrad Dobler” sounds phonetically similar to a nickname that was once bestowed upon Nancy Reagan.
Great vintage Lite Beer commercial, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21QtXjUodsg
Walter Jones at left tackle.
I recall the Seattle game turning into hammered shit pretty much the day after Jones retired/injuries started to catch up to him.
This would have been my second pick if you weren’t being a stickler on left and right.
I’m regretting that decision, as it screwed me pretty good on a pick I wanted to make.
Playing LG, first pick is Dennis Harrah, because I met him a few years ago and he showed off his “2105” ring that Dickerson bought for the linemen.
Pick #2: Jim Ritcher, C (Bills Mafia by way of NC State)
Bastard. I loved him growing up
Orlando Pace. I met him at a charity thing, and if you gave me a ten-foot pry bar and five pounds of C-4, I don’t think I could move him off his chosen spot
“He was definitely tough to get by. I had a technique that I getting pretty close with, but I never got to try it in-game.” – Jason Pierre-Paul
Bruce Matthews at guard-he went to the Pro Bowl 14 times.
Dermontti “Dirt” Dawson for my center. When Darth Hoodie says that you’re “one of the best players we ever played against”, you’re pretty goddamn good.
“What Dermontti did, which is what Mel Blount did, was change the game,” said ESPN analyst and former Steelers running back Merril Hoge, who played with Dawson from 1989-93. “You never had a center pull until Dermontti Dawson. He revolutionized and changed how teams ran the football in the NFL.”
You folks have gotten all the good players, but I do recognize this left tackle from the past few years of watching the Steelers.
Ugh, you and me both. Here’s hoping Broderick Jones can step in and dominate.
“HARF HARF DID THE BEN EVER PLAY WITH THIS? LOOKS LIKE THE SOURCE OF SEVERAL HEAD OWWIES FOR THE BEN! HARF!!”
Round 1: Jerry Kramer in my deodorant slot.
You get a plus one for wordplay. Fuck the Packers, though.
Ikem “Ickey” Okwonu, LT (Black Panthers by way of NC State)
He will be the talk of the NFL next season, at least in hipster circles. Bryce Young gon’ love that dude.
Left Guard: Mark Schlereth
STINK!!!
/God, he’s awful as a talking head, though
Given there’s a run on them, I’ll take Jim Otto at center. 12-time Pro Bowler.
/his nickname? You guessed it-“Double O”.
Jeff Saturday is my pick for center.
Alan Faneca for guard. Man, he could pull and just destroy people.
(Also, Big Red sprang fast Willie Parker for the longest SB run from scrimmage)
Guard: Larry Allen, the non-criminal Hall of Famer on that Cowboys offensive line
Dammit, I took Webster over Allen and intended to get him with my next pick.
Well, that’s what ya get for taking Webster before I could.
Fair. I was pretty sure taking Webster was going to piss off a good percentage of our Steeler-fan contingent. And by “good percentage” I mean “all of them”
Webster was going to be my next pick so sucks all around I guess
It absolutely did not end well for him, but gimme Mike Webster as my center.
And Mike, we’re going to be spending a whole lot more attention to concussions this time around.
Beat me to it.
RIP, Iron Mike.
Left Tackle: Tony Boselli, Jaguras Hall of Famer
Kelce as me centre
Anthony Munoz, Left Tackle.
Sorry, not sorry, Redshirt.
Can we pick some of those Astartes that Armed&Hammered talks about, or only “normal” humans?
I would think Orks are better, but they are too undisciplined so of course the Raiders would would use them. And if you use Astartes you better have a tall QB as all of the Astartes are over 7 feet tall. But that would make it hard for the other team to see what the QB was doing… Hmmmmm.
If either played in the NFL then they’re eligible.
Are you trying to say there’s no NFL in the grim dark future?
Only Blood Bowl….
Given the NFL’s current morality I would expect them to be thriving in the grim dark future.
THRIVING.
The Ginger Hammer is the Emperor!
It helps that he’s not the worst broadcast guy but Joe Thomas staying on the line for the Browns and, some may say, wasting away his career in Cleveland absolutely gets him on my Big Board. Then again, if you want longevity as a tackle, why not play for a team that never had possession?