As the morning fog lifts we are able to see a building with a strange figure knocking at a solitary door.

From inside a voice is heard asking “Who are you? What do you want?”

The figure outside speaks from a different plane in reality and says

“You have to invite me in”

From inside the peephole in the door we hear and see me, the teller of the story. “Well that’s not going to happen so get on down the road spooky weirdness.”

Again from beyond all space and time it speaks “You must invite me in.” 

Inside the door we hear ”Go away hobo, we already know of your ilk.”

We move as the camera moves through the peephole to open on the interior of the New Orleans Saints locker room and me walking away from the peephole shouting, “That was terrible. The light was wrong. Let’s shoot it again.”

Silence on the set, rolling, action

A disembodied voice crying from beyond can be heard saying,  “You have to let me in.”

A severed hand waves flippantly through the visibility zero as a terrified voice can be heard saying “Take a screw pal!”

The mind fills with dread as we hear the door swing open behind us. “No”, someone shouts.

This wicked being has somehow talked a less horror informed human than ourselves into letting him in. Crap.

 Nothing to see as the room has now filled with smoke, waiting for love until it dissipates. We see a cloaked figure floating like a rabid pair of teeth taunting all that is solemn.

Cowering in corners warped senses bemoan their fate, “Who and why are you?”

“I’m the future” It’s now kind of milksop voice responds.

“The future? The future of what?”

“Your future.”

For you see I am the demon foretold in a chapter that had to be cut for length and readability purposes. There was a stark warning that was ignored and now it has come to pass. 

Once you “Let(air quotes) it in”, there can be no escape, there’s like an evil presence bro, it’s in your locker room. Sorry.

Grabbing a DVD copy of  “Number One” I hold it up like a talisman saying to the gnarly apparition “I cast you out awful thing! Seriously, please, just go away.”

“NO” It bleats with a language most foul,  a voice that sounded right out of Oakland California, a fear arose in me that I did not recognize,

“Behold paynim.” It bawled. “I am your quarterback and I will smote down anyone that does not believe.”

I reply boldly “Come at me bro, I’ll show you my penis! Smote me bitch! Smote me!”

The whole room grows impossibly quiet as the less-than-man creature squeaked out. 

“I am David Carr, the chosen one.”

“Stop laughing”, it pleaded.

There would be no relent for this wicked cream puff.

Quarterback? You? Behave.

As the laughter of merriment filled the hallowed halls, The voice of the whole joined with the few and chanted as one. 

“You will not be pleased when this is over.” A voice that sounded oddly like Jon Gruden whined.

Can someone please show this racist hillbilly the way out!

Top 10 in defense yet again.

Finishing last season, ninth in points allowed and fifth in yards allowed. The fifth overall ranked defense did not give up more than 20 points in any of the last 6 games, including one in Philly and the 40 Whiners. Their 48 sacks were fourth in the league. The Saints will have to improve in forcing turnovers as they only generated 14 all of last year which was 30th and that is shitty. Wrecking machine Cameron Jordan just got a new two year deal that he earned with his 8 1/2 sacks and God man DeMario Davis is one of the best players in the league. Secondary is okay, ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I think most cover guys are terribly overrated.

This year does not come without losses on the defensive side, as they lost David Onyematta to the limp dick Falcons, Shy Tuttle to the even worse Panthers and Marcus Davenport to the hated Vikings.

Jesus angry Christ I don’t even know where to start with the offense. Should we start in court or in hell? Let’s go to hell first.

I hate David (yes I know what his name is) Carr! Not much of an improvement over Andy Dalton and I don’t think Jameis ever got a fair shake. If I had the choice I would have given Jimmy Crapawflo a chance over Carr. DC has shown me nothing and if you listen to (what?) metrics Carr is consistently ranked 14-18 QBR. So that makes him middle of the pack? 

Are you not supposed to try and improve? Don’t you want to win?

Yeah and If I have to hear he’s an upgrade over last year one more time I’m going to spew right on the person who says it’s shoes. 

27th overall 17 passing 15 rushing and somehow Carr is what this team needs? I’m asking who’s the drunk here?

Off to jail shall we? Alvin has pleaded down to a lesser charge, that of being a mediocre running back and an overall asshole of a person, but he did apologize. That apology got him a three game suspension for his transgressions. Think I’m going to start drinking even more heavily if that’s possible before this hellhole season plays out.

I’ll give the good points and sorry Michael Thomas you will not be included. Chris Olave is flirting with studliness. Shaheed can flat (hope his hands improve) run. Jamal Williams? Taysom Hill?

I love Juwan Johnson, someone say breakout year, I think you just did.

Decent draft class? Knock it off, just tell the damn truth.

This squad could go anywhere from 7-10 to 10-7 and since they play in the worst division in all of football and have the easiest schedule in the league, I’m thinking more like 5-12. 

Hope it’s even worse for this is the year long campaign to get Caleb Williams. All They have to do is win 3 or fewer games and a future QB for years to come can be yours? I say yes please. I wonder if they have a first round draft choice next year? 

Now where did I put that magic spell book, the babies blood and that God Damned evil cross? Anyone know a good exorcist? We have got to get that stench of Gruden out of the repugnant air.

If you don’t invite them in they have to stay out!

Dieu benissse les Saints

TAJ

I shot, wrote, drew and I would like to say edited it, but “Yeah Right” is forced to edit each article that I write to keep me from looking “too” stupid and for this I will be forever grateful, thanks for believing and the inspiration to keep me typing.

I had an idea, here me out. If you have a life question, something stuck in your craw? Just need a little simple guidance? Who can you ask?

Why just ask….

MR PICKLE

Ask Mr Pickle, (that may be the stupidest thing I’ve ever come up with.) Let it be known that Mr Pickle is usually drunk and may not give the answer you want to hear.