Why I Won’t Be Watching The NFL This Year: Your Las Vegas Raiders Season Preview (2023 Edition)

Four years ago, among other things, I wrote the following:

My feelings toward my imminent divorce from the NFL are not too different.  Is the NFL bad for me?  That’s hard for me to say.  At this point in my life, though, the best I can say for it is that it’s neutral.  The game, and my experience of watching it, has certainly changed to the point where it definitely no longer brings me joy.  Part of that is related to the fact that the Raiders have sucked for the better part of two decades, and will continue to suck this year.  But there’s so much more.  Watching football is no longer an exercise in watching spectacular feats of athleticism – it’s now an exercise in watching spectacular feats of athleticism and then waiting to see whether or not those feats will actually count for anything once the flags have fallen to earth or by the end of an interminable review.  And as much as football’s proponents insist that we must “stick to sports”, the moral baggage that comes with consuming what the Gingerhammer himself describes as the “entertainment product” has finally reached such a crushing weight that it’s overwhelmed my enjoyment of the parts of football that actually still qualify as “sport”.

The Raiders went 7-9 that season (losing five of their last six, including a 34-3 drubbing at the hand of the fucking Jets) and it seemed like my plan of easing football out of my life might succeed.  But COVID quarantine ended up reversing that sentiment; with limited opportunities to leave the house, football sunk its Komen-pink claws back into my soul once again. Nothing much changed with the team; they finished the season at 8-8 (losing five of their last seven).  In 2021, spurred by the one-two punch of Jon Gruden’s conversion into an NFL unperson, and Henry Ruggs’ conversion into a vehicular manslaughterer, I laid down an ultimatum to My Raiders: make the playoffs, or I was going to renounce my fanhood.  Forever.

It seemed like a safe bet.  But against all odds, they won their final four games – including a dramatic overtime win against the Chargers in the final game of the season – and snuck into the playoffs.  So I’m stuck with them.  Forever.

But that doesn’t mean I have to pay attention to them – especially in a year when the Rugby World Cup will be happening.  And I haven’t been.  Here are some of the things I’m learning just now about the Raiders’ offseason:

• Their first round pick was Tyree Wilson, a defensive end from Texas Tech.
• Darren Waller was traded away to the New York Giants.
• Waller’s replacement is second-round pick Michael Mayer.
• Familiar That’s My Raiders! stars Josh Jacobs, Kolton Miller, and Hunter Renfrow are still around.

That’s about it.  Their defense will be an utter disaster, as usual, and will cost them several close games by failing to force punts and/or prevent opponents from scoring in critical junctures. Handsome Jimmy probably won’t be able to stay healthy for very long. After two or three losses where the playcalling is “too conservative” fans will call for Josh McDaniels’ firing even more loudly than they already are. NFL officials will fuck them over, repeatedly, on flags (they will be among the top five penalized teams, again) and reviewed plays.  It’s the same old story, and I think I actually am done with it.  I’ve only got so many more healthy years in this frame of mine, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to waste them watching something I’ve already seen a dozen times already.

My apologies if this preview is so deeply cynical. But this is actually a good thing for me. Enjoy the season!